Himchan couldn't wait for the weekend. Yet he dreaded it as well. He forgot more and more. Refrained from doing so much. He simply didn't feel like he had time, not to mention the will to do his homework. It was one great spiral downwards. And this wasn't the time for him to break down. He had mock exams in three weeks and a month after that, the real exams would begin. Himchan tried to be happier, and look into the mirror with a smile. But it wasn't possible for some reason. He couldn't look at himself. He wasn't good enough. It was actually pathetic of him not do his things. Pathetic that he couldn't look at himself. Pathetic he couldn't keep a facade anymore and kept breaking down more often. Pathetic he hid away and cried. Pathetic.

Saturday morning came around and he stood in front of the mirror once again. He hadn't slept well. You could see it on the bags underneath his eyes.

“You're fantastic,” he told the mirror in a monotone voice. He stared into thin air for a while. No one would believe that. That was today's try. Turning, he went out of the bathroom and back to his bedroom, where he flung himself onto his bed. Lying there he scolded himself. Scolded himself for being so pathetic.

Himchan was walking away from his psychiatrist’s office. That hadn't been the definition of fun. Now he was only irritated. Irritated that his psychiatrist didn't see things from his perspective. Irritated that the psychiatrist didn't get that he wasn't a great person, and had done several bad things in his life. But no. The damn guy just kept saying he was a wonderful person, that he could do so many things and had so much talent. And it hurt. It hurt so badly that someone thought that, when he knew it wasn't true. How could he be wonderful when he has let people down? How could he have talent when he had failed so many times? How could he do so many things, when such a simple thing as homework seemed so incomprehensible and overwhelming? He needed peace. Somewhere he could cry in peace.

Remembering the spot where he had cried in the park, he headed for that beautiful space. His speed picked up as he walked. All the irritation he felt seemed to ebb out through the fast pace he kept. Reaching the park, he felt a helplessness and a uselessness hob up on him, now that nearly all the irritation was gone. As he walked down the empty path the tears started running down his cheeks. Sobs shook his shoulders when he reached the small clearing. Sitting down, he put his legs up to his chest and buried himself in his arms. It hurt so much. Why did it hurt so much? Why wasn’t he good enough? Why couldn’t he just pull himself together and get on with his life? He was such trash. Worthless piece of . Retard. Can’t even hold back some pathetic tears. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic.

A vibration in his pocket. His phone. Letting go of his legs he fished out his phone and looked at the screen as the tears streamed down his cheeks. Yongguk. Why now of all times? Should he answer? He should. His friend had been worried about him lately. Better take it in order to calm him down. Himchan took a couple of deep breaths before answering the phone and putting it next to his ear.

“Hey,” he greeted his friend, with a calm and unwavering voice. He was breathing deeply to keep himself from letting his previous actions be revealed.

“Hey Himchan, what are you doing?” Yongguk asked.

“Out for a walk,” Himchan answered, his voice wavered slightly. Internally panicking, he hoped his friend didn’t notice it.

“Can I join you? I’m about to bore myself to death,” his friend asked.

“Sure,” Himchan agreed. “Meet me at the café by the park,” he told him. Yongguk agreed, saying he’d be there in fifteen minutes and the two hung up. Himchan wiped his tears and started to collect himself properly. He hit his cheeks a couple of times as if to wake himself up. Wake up and pull on the façade, the mask that hid his broken self from the world. When he was satisfied and collected he headed off towards the café nearby. A small smile on his lips for everyone on his way. Smiling to people sometimes made their day and Himchan wanted to help. Wanted to be the best person he could be. Even though he was one of the worst people on earth, he tried. He really did. He just didn’t do enough. Didn’t do as much as he should and could. Quickly he averted his thoughts to other things. Another breakdown wouldn’t be good. He was meeting up with Yongguk. He had been breaking down way too often lately, and it just seemed to become worse and worse.

“Himchan!” the voice of Yongguk called for him just before he could enter the café. Turning around he found his friend heading towards him. A smile lit on his face.

“Yongguk, that was fast,” he commented as his friend reached him.

“I’m faster than the speed of light,” Yongguk joked. Himchan laughed and the two entered the café. They ordered a couple of coffee’s and sat down at a table. With a happy and uplifting mood they chatted and joked until their coffee came.

“How are you?” Yongguk asked, taking a sip of his coffee. Himchan looked weirdly at him. What was he talking about? “You've been a little distant lately. And you've been disappearing off to the bathroom three times as much as you usually do. You didn't sound too good when we talked on the phone earlier either,” he explained and Himchan's heart sank. Damn it.

“Yongguk...” Himchan started.

“Don't lie to me Himchan,” Yongguk interrupted him before he could come any longer. “It can't be just the exams. I'm guessing there's something else as well.” Himchan sighed. Why was his friend such a good friend? Why was he so worried about him? It wasn't like he deserved it. He didn't know what to say, so he just stayed quiet. “Is it something at home?” Yongguk asked.

“No. My parents are lovely as ever,” Himchan answered with a shake of his head. His parents were really lovely people. Some of the nicest he had ever met or known.

“What is it then? You know you can talk to me. I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to. I just want to help you,” Yongguk pleaded. A long string of curses went through Himchan's mind. Wasn't this great? He could feel the tears coming back. Yongguk was too nice. Too good to him. He rubbed his face trying to make the feeling go away, but no. “Hey, it's ok. Talk to me,” Yongguk encouraged him. A sound of irritation escaped Himchan.

“I'm sorry Yongguk. I really am. I just... can't, ok. I'm gonna go. I'm sorry,” Himchan told him, apologizing for being this way. He stood up and left his friend behind, angry and irritated at himself for being to weak. Keeping a high pace he went back to that bench in the park, cursing himself for crying again. How many times was it possible to cry in one day? He was sure he'd beat a record somewhere. With a sigh he plopped down on the bench and buried his face in his hands. this . This was ridiculous. Pathetic. It really was.

“So ing pathetic,” he said out loud and tried to not cry. This was just too much. A sob escaped nonetheless. Really pathetic.

“Himchan?”

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Himchan's having a bad day...

I had one of those yesterday when I wrote this...

Thank you to all who sub and comment, it really means a lot to me (:

Peace out (^_^)v