I seriously don't feel 'normal' today.

I feel so tired and distracted.

Maybe that's just the way it is. you feel good and happy at first but in the end, you'll just end up hurting.

I knew it. But I didn't mind.

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Okay, so, I know that the main reason why I wanted to get close with Jonathan is because I find him a nice guy. Well, I'm tall, I'm actually taller than him. LOL XD Honestly. But I don't care. Height doesn't matter. Besides he's good looking. He's also an animelover as I came to realize when we begun texting each other. he also suggested some animes that's good to watch. He sometimes calls me 'baliw' on his texts. BUt I don't mind 'coz that true. HAHA XD I mean, when people say that to me, it makes me think that they feel comfortable with me or something like that. We talk about things in text messages but we don't really talk that much in person. If we do, it'll be just about group activities. I noticed that his possible fave color is apple green 'coz that's the color of his bag and cellphone case. And that possibility makes me happy knowing that we might have the same fave color too. :D I rarely see him smile. He usually looks serious and don't talk that much. But he always insists that he's approachable and talkative and he's just shy. Well, one thing that I like about him is he's not the type of guy who economize in texting. LOL XD You know, there are some guys who texts too short. As in. But him? He texts as much as long as I do. He's not boring to have a text convo. It's just that I feel hesitant to approach him in person. And I think he does too.

And this morning, I woke up really early. I think it was around pass 5 am. I did all my chores in the morning and do the usual daily routine. I went on my way to school thinking that I'm already too late. As in. But when Yvette told me that it was still early, I was like: REALLY?? o.O

I mean, I was usually on time or almost late but not really early. So I was just shock at myself. Well, there's a belief that you become a better person when you fall in love. I don't know if that's true. Also this lunch time, I feel hungry but I can't seem to be able to finish my food. And during class, I'm listening to the discussion but every now and then, I keep thinking about him. Like I want to finish the class immediately to see him. So at some point I somehow get distracted. But at least I could still participate in class. HAHA XD

Those facts makes me smile. But somehow it makes me feel scared. I don't want to get distracted especially during class. Like I don't want him to be the reason for me to fail my subjects.

And then a while ago, while having our practice in Rizal, I was the one who's holding his cellphone. Because the audio that I asked him to edit was there. His cellphone just automatically locks when not in use. So when I tried to unlock it, I realized his wallpaper was a cute girl. I think that's his girlfriend if I'm not mistaken. I was just really playing it off like it doesn't matter. But actually, it hurts. You know, liking someone who's already taken. Like, is there anything I could do? I mean, the girl is cute and all. What's my alas?

Anyways, I know, I'm hoping he'll come to like me. But it looks like it's not going to happen 'coz he's already taken. And I'm a girl. I don't want to be the one who's going to show motives or anything. Or do the first move. Or to destroy their relationship. I don't want to be that kind of girl. I'm not like that. So it pains me. Even if I know at the very first moment that falling in love includes pain, I still continued it. Heh. Sounds stupid, ne? *sigh* I'm so pathetic. I feel pity for myself. Well, it doesn't matter. If he can't be someone who would like me as a girl, then maybe he could be a brother to me. Since you know, I've been wanting to have an older brother figure for such a long time now. I want someone whom I could call 'Kuya'. Someone whom I can get close with. 'Coz you know, I've never had a close guy friend. They're all just classmates. But the real guy friend? NONE. I hope he could be the first one.

I want to get to know more about him. Though I'm not sure where this is going. Maybe I'll just enjoy the rare ride since God has given the fare which I know should be paid in instalment in the future.

So I was looking forward hoping that even after this summer class ends, we could still stay in contact or keep in touch with each other. I just hope so. But I know that even as much as I do, I also don't want to disturb him on his studies especially now that he's a graduating student.

- - -

I'm not sure if I'm really feeling butterflies on my stomach whenever I think about him.