Sometimes Kris thought that life was just unfair. Tao practically had everything, his family loved and spoiled him a lot, his academic record was so good to the point that almost all the teachers remembered his name. As if it weren't enough, God also showed his preference for the boy by making him a little too good-looking... While Kris was just, well, Kris. His parents divorced long time ago and he now lived with his father, who was basically too busy to even look at him for a few seconds, his result at school was just average, enough to let him pass the exams. Moreover, he was suffering from his one-sided love with the black-haired boy, who always came to him when his crush 'kissed that stupid girl'. The younger usually said he was his best friend ever and that the reason he enjoyed confiding in Kris so much was because the older was the only one who always quietly listened to all of his nonsense, never judged him and of course, somehow always found the best way to comfort him. Kris understood it all, but he wished that someday Tao would stop being 'hopelessly in love' - as he had stated before - with the one who never actually glanced at him, and eventually recognize him.

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply

They had been friends for 6 years when Kris finally confessed. He didn't intend to do that, but things just slipped out before he even noticed and it was no more than a big mess

- You like her, don't you? - Tao asked, grinning widely as he waited for the answer

It was just a normal afternoon for both of them, when they went to the park to study together. Well, in fact, Kris was the only one studying and Tao was the one who did all the talking.

- No - Kris didn't even bother looking up from his book. He wasn't sure why the other loved to pair him up with other girls that much. He talked to them, and maybe joked with them a few times, but obviously it was nowhere near flirting for God's sake. 
- I know you do. As your best friend, I'll help you, ok? Just admit you fell head over hell for that girl - with both of his hands, the said boy turned Kris' face toward him, his tounge stick out teasingly
- I D O N O T L I K E HE R. Do not like her, at all - Looking straight to Tao's eyes, Kris whispered harshly before slapping the younger's hands away
- You do
- I don't
- But you really DO
- I LIKE YOU, OK NOW?

There. That was how thing went. He said it only on the spurs of the moment, and Tao's reaction sure helped that so-called confession secure the top place at 'the-things-Kris-Wu-regrets-having-done' list

- Oh. Thank you...

I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie

- Do you wanna hang out after school? I've found... - Kris didn't finish when Tao cut him off
- Sorry. I promised my mother to come home early today - The boy said bluntly, eyes glued to the window

He sighed. Tao was avoiding him after the whole confession thing and unfortunately, he was too a bit too obvious - or maybe didn't bother to hide it.
- Okay then - Kris said, heading to the school gate as he suddenly turned back looking at Tao with a sad smile - You know...If you want me to get out of your life, all you have to do is ask
- I...

Romance and all it's strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride

'I'm sorry. I'm sorry for acting the way I did, but I always, always, even in my next life, want you to stay with me. You are not my first friend, not really the one I'm closest to, however, you're the most special one. Spending time with you feels so... right, and easy, like it was supposed to be. Somehow, it felt like spending time with my family, where I can be the worst version of myself, and they won't judge or even get mad at me for any reason. I don't know if this is love, but I'm pretty sure I want to keep doing it for the rest of my life. You always found a reason to forgive me in the past, so please do it one more. I know it was stupid to react that way, but I was confused, and confused people can't control things you know. Maybe if we try, I can figure it all out soon. Maybe I'm really in love with you at the first place. So, can we at least try?"

Kris silently folded the letter and put it back to his backpack. Tao loved writing, not as much as talking but enough to send him letters when they basically met everyday. 'Because you can keep it with you forever and re-read feelings whenever you want. Isn't it awesome?' - he once said. He did it again, and this time, Kris wasn't even sure he was rejected or not, because the boy's letter was like both a slap on his face, because Tao didn't feel the same way, and a gentle kiss on his cheek, because despite that, he wanted to try. The blonde shook his head, understanding Tao was not easy at all.

And who am I to judge you
In what you say or do

Kris never knew what kind of relationships they were in right now. They text like couple, their messages usually made others to furrow their eye browns because of the cheesiness. They held hands, cuddled almost everyday but never kissed - Tao wasn't ready and Kris was fine with that. The younger said he loved him all the time, but Kris noticed the look he still gave his crush, that unmistakable look, and sometimes he even blurted out complaining to Kris about his hopeless love. As if things didn't change, as if he didn't know Kris was the only one hopelessly in love here, as if Kris didn't feel his chest constrict like he was suffocating at all.

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend

- I really like you 

Kris shifted his leg, trying to ignore the awkwardness in the air. He looked at the girl in front of, down to the floor and back to her again, finding the right word to say. 
- I'm sorry. I - He mustered, didn't want hurt the girl's feeling
- No need to answer now. Give it some thought and answer me whenever you want. And now - The girl grinned to herself before standing on her toes to kiss him - your first kiss is mine

Shocked was such an awful understatement. He forgot how to function, eyes went wide as the girl winked before walking away. Everything was blurry and not until he heard Tao angrily stamped his feet to the ground did he finally realized the situation he was in right now. 

- You are so screwed Kris, so screwed - He closed his eyes, whispering to himself

But through the insecurity 
Some tenderness survives

A week has passed since the so-called kissing incident and Kris decided to talk thing out. After editing the message for about 1000 times, he pressed the send button, gathering his things and heading for Tao's house. Kris didn't bother to check his phone, of course the younger wouldn't reply. He had that habit of ignoring people when he was mad. 

Tao was staring at the ceiling, dozing off a little bit when a ringing doorbell startled him away from his thoughts. Frowning, he walked to the door, opening it slightly.

- Hey - Kris had managed to say only that much when Tao closed the door to his face. He sighed before putting out his phone, sending Tao another message: "You know I have the key to your house". 

The blonde didn't have to wait for long 'till the grumbling Tao appeared in front of him again, looking at him with a face that seems to say 'What?'

- Are you still mad? - Kris asked, ignoring Tao's gaze

- Sorry but I can't find the reason to do so - He crosses his arms in front of his chest, looking straight at the older

- You seemed to ignore me the whole week. Were you jealous of that girl, because I swear...

- It isn't called ignoring, it's called giving you freedom to hang out with your new-found girlfriend - Tao cut off, rolling his eyes - And I'm not jealous. Why should I be?

- She's not my girlfriend.

- Oh great, now you even kiss people who isn't your girlfriend? I think you should open a kissing booth at our school, they would love that - The mocking tone never left Tao's voice from the beginning

Kris sighed for the nth time today, calming himself down before speaking again. The best way to deal with hot was cold, the best way to deal with fire was water, the best way to deal with an angry Tao was a calming Kris. He knew that, he knew the younger would blow his top if he said the wrong word, he knew that with Tao, second chance didn't really exist, it was either he found the right way to apologize or they were done, simple as that. 

- Huang Zi Tao - Kris reached out for Tao's hand, - you know that there is only you, in here - placing it on the left side of his chest - and here - before guiding it to his head - I can no more betray you than I can give away both my heart and brain. So, truth me, will you? 

And Tao didn't think his heart could ever beat faster than it did at the very moment. 

Sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much

Tao just nodded, realizing that he wasn't able to put into words the way he felt about the older. Kris raised his hand again and caressed the side of Tao's face, tracing so lightly as he smiled at the younger. The moment he touched him, Tao closed his eyes, letting the tingling feeling travel freely through his body, warming up everything. Slowly wrapping both arms around Tao, he drew the boy closer and kissed him softly on the lips. Tao kissed him back, feeling his fingers burying in his hair.  

They stood like that for a long time, kissing again and again, neither of them caring if anyone could see them. Kris kissed his neck, his check with a series of butterfly-light kisses as his hand caressed Tao's back, his touch was electric. When they were finally able to separate, the younger hesitated a bit before taking a step forward, reaching for Kris' hand and leading him to his bedroom upstairs.

I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

- Oh, good morning, Kris

- Good morning, Mrs Huang - Comes the politely smile from the blonde hair boy in front of the door - Is Tao home?

- He is out buying some stuff. Do you wanna come in and wait? I think he will come back soon

- Thank you - He smiled again as stepping inside. Tao's mother was always nice to him, treating him like her own son, showering him with the love and affection he had been lacked since his parent's divorce. He was drifted away by his thoughts when Mrs Huang brought him back by her question

- Will you come this Saturday?

- Saturday? - Kris raised his eye browns in confusion, trying to recall if Tao had ever told him about the event

- You don't know? Tao told me that his friends will organize him a farewell party this Saturday

- Farewell party?

- Tao hasn't told you anything? He received his acceptance letter last week, and he will transfer to America next month. 

It was then that his breathing suddenly became difficult. He felt as if his world were crumbling down right in front of him again and all he was able to do was stupidly letting that happen.

At times I'd like to break you 
And drive you to your knees

Kris unlocked the door, feeling exhausted. As he sat alone in the dark, the feeling from many years ago suddenly came back, trying to drowning him. He didn't know, he didn't know everyone just chose to leave him, first his mom and now Tao. Maybe people like him were meant to be alone, maybe he had done something so wrong in his previous life that he was punished now. He wasn't just disappointed about Tao not telling him, he was angry, and jealous at the same time. Tao life would soon enter a new phase, and nothing much would changed on his end. He would still stuck here, struggle to graduate, struggle to find a job, struggle to maintain his life, struggle to everything while Tao's future was so bright that even thinking about it make Kris' chest tighten.

He was at the verge of letting his feeling all out when Kris heard someone open the door, turning on the light.

- Why didn't you turn on the light? - Tao asked - What's wrong?

- Just tired - Kris forced a smile

- Don't lie to me. I've been with you for an awful long time that I know the only time you acted like this was when your parents divorced. Now talk 

Kris hesitated. When he finally spoke, he tried his best to keep his voice steady

- Okay. I thought I was your lover

- You are

- And are there anything you want to tell me? 

Tao eyes widened for a brief moment before eventually looking away, hiding his chaotic thoughts. 

- American is my dream, American has always been my dreamland. You know about that. You know I dream about it every single night in my life. Besides, it's for my family, and you too... - He paused, not finishing his sentence

Kris hated this. Kris hated when he felt he was no longer important. Love never worked - he thought to himself as he slowly pushing himself up from the couch

- I don't want to talk today. Just go home

- I'm sorry for not telling you. I'm sorry. It's just that I can't find the right time. I'm sorry. But I really really really don't want to give us up - Tao walked across the room, moving toward Kris. When he got close, the older pulled back, raising his arms like a barrier. 

- Then why did you choose to go? It's not for your family, it's so not for me. Your mother always only want you to study in a local university and spending more time with her. I just want things to be like they are now. But you don't give a about that - Kris said, doing his best not to shout but knowing he'd failed - all you care about is only you, you and your stupid obsession with America. 

- And that's what's bothering you? That I have dreams to achieve? That I have such a bright future ahead of me and you don't? - Tao threw up his hands 

- You are just being selfish - Kris closed his eyes, trying to keep his anger in check

- Me? - Tao broke in, shaking his head - You are the one who told me to give up my dream to be with you and you actually tell me I'm selfish? I didn't do anything wrong. Ever since I was a child, no one has ever told me that pursuing my dream is wrong. We could have find a way to work thing out, but you had to make it harder for both of us. Your parents can't be together doesn't mean that we can't be together

Tao's statements caught him off guard. He didn't want to talk about it anymore. Kris was never good at talking, and right now, it struck him that he had somehow lost Tao. He didn't feel angry, just...sad

- Don't bring my parents in. And please, just go. - with that, he headed for his bedroom, closing the door.

At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

Tao came back to Kris' house the next morning. He took a deep breath and made his way to the bedroom. Crossing the room, Tao sat on the edge of the bed, silently watching the sleeping boy. He was furrowing his eye browns lightly, maybe having a bad dream. The younger leaned in, kissing it away while whispering softly how much he loved the other. Kris stirred for a few seconds before finally opening his eyes. He silently admiring the boy in front of him, and then patted the mattress, motioning Tao to come closer.

- I don't want to argue anymore - Tao broke the silence. Kris just nodded his head, wrapping his arms around the younger, his chin rested on Tao's head. They were both to tired for that right now. Was't being that way better? No word was needed, nothing to care about, just them holding on each other like this. Kris breathed in the smell of the boy, clean and sweet as usual. Outside, he could hear birds singing when sunlight streamed through the opening between the drapes. It was long after that when Tao turned around and kissed him, first hesitantly, then more passionately, as if he wanted to make up for their time apart in the future. As their hands fitted perfectly, as their bodies pressed together, ached for each other, they both knew that nothing could come between them, that everything would work out just fine. 

And they smiled into their kiss.

I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides