“Because I might give you a reason not to anymore.”

According to my Hello Kitty wall clock, half an hour had passed exactly since I’d thrown myself onto bed – not to rest, but to ponder on Kim Jongin’s hazy confession. The words hammered my temples quite violently, so I buried my face onto my pillow in an attempt to shrug it all off.

“Hyemi-ah!”

The shrill tone of my mother’s call practically shook the whole of my room. I lazily shot up and reluctantly made my way downstairs. She was standing by the kitchen sink, cleaning fish. The foul stench filled the air and my stomach turned in pure disgust. I prayed hard that she wouldn’t ask me to continue pulling out its guts for her.

“Oh, there you are,” she turned her head to the right, catching sight of me through her peripherals. “Would you please stop by the supermarket to buy some oil and onions?”

“Sure thing,” I smiled and more than gladly headed to the nearby grocery store, despite the awaiting merciless cold outside, with the hope that the accumulating headache would abscond. Entering the almost empty mini mart, I swiftly grabbed the onions and brisk-walked my way to the aisle where the cooking oil was stacked. With my head still throbbing a little, I lost my balance, unfortunately tripping on a trolley wheel. Thankfully, the approaching lady who was using it had impressive reflexes as she grabbed my arm and spared my life from sprains and utter embarrassment.

“Oh, honey, be careful next time,” the lady spoke, tone soothing yet concerned. I was about to bow and thank her for the sudden rescue when I caught a glimpse of her face.

“Mrs. Do!” I exclaimed, pleasantly surprised. It had been a while since I last saw her. She looked haggard and extremely tired – dominant dark circles loomed over her face, making her really look her age. A long time ago, Kyungsoo had introduced her to me as his noona, and doubtlessly, gullible Park Hyemi fell for it.

“Hyemi-ah!” she beamed back and pulled me closer into a weak embrace. “It’s been so long! How are you?”

My head is throbbing because of your son and his friend, but apart from that I’m doing fine, I suppose.

“I’m great! Especially now that break has started, it’s even better!”

“Oh, that’s very nice to hear, then!”

Almost four seconds of silence fell between us, but I couldn’t let the moment be swallowed by an awkward stillness, so I frantically thought of some things to say out of respect.

“I bet your kitchen looks fabulous, now that it’s finished,” I commented, remembering immediately the previous kitchen renovations that brought Kyungsoo to my house almost every evening in the past week.

“Kitchen?” she furrowed her eyebrows, which I took as a hint that she did not have a slight idea of what I was talking about.

“Uh, the kitchen renovations?”

“Renovations? Well, as far as I’m concerned, our kitchen is still the same one you met years ago,” she chuckled, shaking her head at me.

“But Kyungsoo-”

“And besides, why would we renovate in the first place, I mean, I’d love to, of course, but what with the divorce papers and everything – it’s just taking too long than expected and busy days are ahead of us.”

Divorce papers?

It was my turn to resort to furrowed eyebrows.

“So right now I’m just doing some last-minute shopping for my trip tomorrow to see the lawyer,” she drew a sigh, blowing parts of her fringe out of her face. “Thankfully, winter break is here so at least there’ll be someone left in the house.”

I was lost. My brain took its time to process her words, and it wouldn’t give my tongue the power to respond straightaway. It was overwhelming enough trying to put the pieces together.

My face had probably been an exact replica of what was happening inside my head because Mrs. Do finally realised that I wasn’t at all aware of any of their recent family affairs.

“My hands – they’re… cold.”

“Kyungsoo… he- he hasn’t… told you?” she held my stare intently while her forehead gradually wrinkled.

I couldn’t put my finger on which was supposed to concern me more – the fact that his parents were getting a divorce, or the fact that he couldn’t even manage to tell me what was really happening.

Telling me what was really happening, just like he used to.

“No… he- Kyungsoo hasn’t.”

Mrs. Do and I small talked a little more and then finally said our goodbyes, when we both realised it was getting rather late – I also thought my mother must have been getting impatient.

And she was.

“Did you go and buy these from Japan?” she sarcastically remarked while she chopped the onions hurriedly.

But before she could muster to say anything else, I was on the hunt for the telephone. I dialled Kyungsoo’s home number, my fingers briskly brushing against the buttons as it made multiple beeping sounds. Pressing the device onto my ear, my heart was hammering yet again.

“Yeoboseyo?”

“Uh, hello again, Mrs. Do,” I bashfully replied, “it’s me, Hyemi.”

“Ah, Hyemi-ah! Did you get home safely?”

“Yes, I did, thank you. Is- is Kyungsoo still awake?” I asked, anxiously wringing the spiralled telephone cord around my index finger.

“Oh, unfortunately he’s fast asleep now, so you may want to try again tomorrow? He should be up early since I’m going away for a couple of days.”

To see the lawyer.

For the divorce.

“I see,” I nodded, “I should just try again tomorrow. Have a safe trip, Mrs. Do.”

I couldn’t bring myself to sleep afterwards. I was fretful and anxious for him, and my mind didn’t really want to be.

But my heart did.

--

I awoke to a frantically vibrating cellphone – its little speaker blasting a random ringtone bluntly set by yours truly. I should change that, I thought.

“Mhhrm- hello?”

“Someone’s still sleeping,” the voice chuckled.

Jongin.

I flung my duvet cover off of me and hopped out of the bed, straightening my clothes and even my hair, as if the boy himself had made an appearance in the room all of a sudden. I wasn’t expecting the call at all, and remembering what were said and done during our last encounter with each other, I was quite wrapped with unease.

“Oh, hey,” I tried my best to sound as casual as possible.

“Are you… doing anything- er- today?”

It was the beginning of winter break, and as far as I was concerned, all I had planned to do was think, sleep, lie around, eat and think some more.

And maybe try one more time to see if my bestfriend was… fine.

“Uh, no, I’m not doing anything today.”

“Ah, that’s great then,” I heard him grin, and the warmth of his smile transmitted over the line, “would you be able to meet me at five o’clock by the domain? I just need to… explain.”

His intentions for wanting to meet relieved me. If he needed to explain, I needed to hear an explanation.

“Sure, five o’clock?” I confirmed.

“Yes,” he said, “and Hyemi?”

“Yeah?”

“The first snowfall… it’s supposed to come about tonight,” he explained, “and I want to see it with you.”

The tenderness and pure sincerity embedded in his voice calmed and soothed me. I’d grown fond of Kim Jongin, from the moments of tranquility during our bus rides, and up until now, as he spoke when I was deprived of warmth and company, and in dire need of an emotional escape.

I started walking before the clock struck half-past four. The cold greeted me, letting me know that winter really was here. I took a moment to thank the heavens for the long break ahead, for the end of exams, and for Jongin who cared. I was grateful for him, not only for sticking by, but also for wanting to share my pain.

And if I let him, maybe he could take it away, too, just as winter was gradually taking away fall.

Rrrrrrrrring. Rrrrrrring.

The sudden ringing interrupted my thoughts. I calmly picked the phone out of my front pocket and answered. It was mother.

“Is Kyungsoo with you?” she asked. I could sense she was hopeful for a positive answer and I had no clue as to why.

“No, he isn’t, I’m off to-”

“His mother called just now,” she continued, “and she said he wasn’t answering any of her calls – not on his cellphone or on landline. She sounded extremely worried, Hyemi.”

“My hands – they’re… cold.”

I was metres away from the domain where Jongin awaited, but I found myself sprinting back towards the opposite direction.

Hopefully towards Do Kyungsoo.