I snuck into the only Catholic Church I could find in my area on New Year’s Eve. There was hardly any light outside, but the stained glass windows magnified any glimmer that dared to come in, so the room looked very bright. The church was mostly made out of stone, and it was absolutely freezing, but I felt some comfort in the readings the Reverend read out.

It was mostly empty; I don’t know why I hadn’t noticed him earlier on in the service. He was sat huddled in a ball in the middle/back section of the church. We hadn’t talked to each other since I’d left, I’d caught him creeping about sometimes at work, trying to catch a look at me, and that was about it. He’d talked to Jongup a few times in order to find out how I was, he didn’t dare speak to Himchan - the first time he tried to Himchan started to hit him and yell in incredibly high and undecipherable semi-tones.

I didn’t harbour any bad feelings for him, all my anger had long gone.

I still don’t know why I got up and walked to sit next to Yongguk, placing one hand on his knee as I sat. Maybe it was because he didn’t just look lonely, he looked alone, and there’s a definite difference. He looked like a shell; most of his youth and handsomeness had been drained. However, I didn’t feel too guilty. However much he hurt, he brought it upon himself. We hadn't worked out - breaking up, getting back together and then breaking back up again... It just wasn't working, and I respected myself enough to let him go. I didn't know why I felt like comforting him. I just felt that it was my duty. I found myself remembering what a babe he was. How he came when I needed him, even if I didn't know I needed him at the time. I wanted him to be okay.

He smiled up at me as soon as he saw me, tears forming in his eyes. He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying not to burst out into sobs in church. 

“I’m so sorry.”

I shook my head not saying a word, and quietly held him as he shook against my chest.

“Everything changes.” He sobbed heavily, “Everything changes but I don’t want us ...”

“Shhh...”

“You don’t understand Junhong,” he whispered at me. “I feel dead right now. I might as well be dead.”