‘I was… asleep?’ I thought as my eyes slowly opened up to see a bright light. 

 

Those two memories made me feel more relaxed than usual. As if the memories were trying to comfort me and I have to admit, it was working. It had been such a long time since I thought of him and his smile. Just the thought made me happy. His smile used to make anybody in the group, suddenly cheer up. And even beyond the grave, that trick still work.

 

I sat up and looked around to see Shinwoo, sitting on a chair next to my bed.

 

There was awkward tension between us, considering how bad I've been treating them. I didn't know how to start up a conversation but the silence was killing me so I had to at least give it a try. “So how’s everything?” I asked Shinwoo, who looked back at me with surprise. I wouldn’t blame him. It’s been so long since I’ve tried to start a conversation with any of them.

 

“Well, right now B1A4 is on hiatus because of your condition. All the BANAs are sending their love to you and hope that you get better,” he replied.

 

“I can see that.” I gave a throaty chuckle and looked over to the desk table that was filled with bouquets and food, all saying the same thing. How they hope I get a fast recovery, that they miss me, etc etc. 

 

“How about you? How are you feeling?”

 

“Me? There’s a little bit of pain every now and then. But just sitting around here is a bit boring though.”

 

In the corner of my eye, I saw Sandeul and Baro come back into the room after getting some drinks. I called out to them and greeted them hello. Sandeul looked confused while Baro showed more of a skeptical look. 

 

“Um… hey,” Baro said as he handed a bottle water to Shinwoo. He turned to me and set a bottle of water on my bedside table. “You feeling okay?”

 

I nodded and noticed how tired the three of them look. Dark circles under their eyes. Frowns instead of smiles. Even the aura around them shouted out that they were tired. A pang of guilt hit me. Must've been hard for them to cover up for me and him. I could even tell through their pictures shot by fans on the Internet.

 

"You could say I'm feeling somewhat better than usual." I sat up so I could talk to them properly. "How about you guys? The three of you look like you've been going through your own kind of hell."

 

"Course we have," Baro chuckled. His laugh didn't sound too bitter than I thought it would. It sounded like it usually did before all of this happened. Even his little squirrel teeth was showing. "We had to do a lot of work to cover up your lazy . I had to join a lot of variety shows with Sandeul while Shinwoo-hyung is modeling and starring in different movies or dramas."

 

I smiled, remembering the times when I did get to see the shows they appeared in. Sometimes, even I wanted to go back, but knowing the reason why I haven't makes me feel sad again. But it didn't show in my face. For some reason, after remembering all my moments with him, made me really miss B1A4. It's just too bad that he wasn't here with us right now.

 

As we were talking, I noticed Sandeul giving me worried or sad glances every now and then. I had a feeling on what he wanted to talk about but surprisingly, I felt ready. Maybe remembering those memories really did have an effect on me. 

 

In the middle of the conversation, I asked Baro and Shinwoo if they could get us some drinks. Baro was about to question why hyung had to go with him, but with Shinwoo being Shinwoo, he took the hint and dragged the squirrel boy away. When the door closed, I turned to Sandeul and asked, "So what do you want to ask me? You've been looking worried ever since you came back."

 

A surprised look shown on his face before he quickly shook his head. "Huh? What are you talking about?" 

 

"Junghwan-ah, you can tell me what's bothering you. You've done it before so what's holding you back?"

 

He opened his mouth then closed it again, like he was trying to choose his words very carefully. That's when I knew it was really about him. 

 

"It's about Chanshik, isn't it?"

 

Another moment of being surprised that I could still mention his name. But his only response was a shy nod. I sighed since it seemed like Sandeul —I mean, Junghwan— really didn't know if he could talk so openly about the boy around me yet. Strangely, I felt somewhat okay about the topic. But I understand why he would act that way. The mere mention of the maknae would trigger me to go on a rampage and it would go on for days, weeks even.

 

"Don't worry, Junghwan-ah. I'm not as crazy as I was before. I've done enough reflecting over the past while I was asleep. So what did you want to ask? And don't beat around the bush. Those two might come back soon."

 

"Jinyoung..." he said as he sat down in the empty seat next to me. "The reason you're sick... Is it still because of him?"

 

I thought about it for a while before I gave my answer. "Not anymore," I responded. And it's true. The first few months of sitting was for him but later on, I guess a disease popped in as an effect and I couldn't control it anymore."

 

"I see... Because I would've said that Channie would never have wanted this to happen to you if you thought otherwise."

 

I chuckled, which ended up in coughing a lot. Junghwan was about to get a glass of water until I grabbed his wrist and shook my head, telling him that I'm okay. "Yeah he probably would've said something like that though. And I was an idiot for realizing it too late. I mean, come on," I gestured to myself, "the leader of B1A4 is sick in the hospital just over the death of a group member. Sounds pathetic, right?"

 

"No it isn't!" he blurted out and instantly stood up. "Jinyoung, we all know how you felt about Chanshik even if you didn't say anything at all. Even he knew!"

 

I was flabbergasted by the vocalist's sudden outburst. His voice sounded much harsh and hoarse like he had strained his vocal chords too much. He almost never got this worked up.

 

"Chanshik didn't want to say anything because for you, it was always the fans and the reputation of the group first. So he made sure that you guys wouldn't be together so it won't ruin our reputation. That's why he even went through all that pain so both of those things won't go into chaos!" He continued," But we've watched you guys be together even if it may have not been more than friendship. We could tell how much you two cared for each other. So you shouldn't feel pathetic to mourn over the death of someone you really loved!"

 

By the time his speech was over, I felt drops of water fall onto my arm, only to see tears streaming down Junghwan's face. I bit my lip, not knowing what to do in this situation. So I grabbed his wrist and pulled him into a hug. I patted his back and let the tears drop on my hospital gown.

 

Then I could hear him say, "Channie wasn't just a 'group member'. He has always been family."

 

Immediately, I regret my poor choice of words and quietly said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way." And for some reason, I felt a couple of tears run down my face too. I don't know it happened but it was probably the thoughts of what could've happened if I wasn't such an idiot and if Chanshik was still alive.

 

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Jinyoung thought that he would never have to go to the hospital again. But how wrong he was. Here, he was, sitting at Gongchan's bedside, patiently hoping that the maknae would wake up before the surgery would begin. 

 

For the past few months, Gongchan was in pain from the kidney failure that he had, apparently, when he was kid. Taking pain killers did lessen the pain but later on, it would just come back worse, leaving the maknae writhing in pain in the middle of the night. They kept telling him that he should do the surgery as soon as possible but all he kept saying that it was for the fans. And that's what made Jinyoung felt so pissed.

 

Baro and Sandeul walked in, the latter saying that Shinwoo was still with the manager and the doctor. Then Gongchan's eyelashes started to flutter as he woke up. He turned to see his hyungs standing next to him and smiled weakly.

 

"Hey guys."

 

They all turned their attention back to the maknae and constantly asked if he was okay. All he did was laugh. "I'm fine. I'll be fine as soon as this operation is over."

 

"And we'll make sure that we'll celebrate with some cucumber kimchi, okay?" the vocalist grinned, covering up his worrying.

 

"I heard that we'll finally be getting a vacation too. So we can visit your parents too," the rapper added.

 

"That's sounds really great," he said, looking at his leader, waiting for any words from him. But none was said. All Jinyoung could think about was how could he be such a careless leader and let this happen. As if it was written all over his face, Gongchan grabbed his hand and reassured him. "It's not your fault. Everything will be ok, hyung. After this, I'll take care of myself more."

 

The other held onto the younger's hand tightly. "Just make sure you'll make it out okay."

 

Gongchan agreed and gave his angelic smile that would make his hyungs cheer up too. Soon the doctors and nurses came to fetch him for the surgery. Before he left, the maknae made sure to tell Jinyoung one thing. "Thanks for everything, hyung. For comforting me during the last time we were here. For letting me see my parents. And for bringing me back home when we were kids."

 

Jinyoung was about to say something before Gongchan stopped him. "I already knew about it ever since the snowman thing. We'll talk about it later okay?" With that, they wheeled him off to the emergency room and the rest of B1A4 sat outside, patiently waiting for any updates on the operation.

 

In a couple of hours, the doctor came out of the room, making everyone stand up for the news. Sadly, the doctor gave an unfortunate look and slowly shook his head. Everybody looked at him in disbelief, not wanting to accept the reality that went on behind that door. 

 

Then the doctor spoke up. "I'm sorry to say but... he didn't make it. It was too late by the time we—"

 

"NO! That can't be true..."

 

"Jinyoung, calm down."

 

"Calm down?! How can you even say that?" he scowled before trying to walk towards the ER doors before he felt a pair of strong arms hold him back. "Yah! Sunwoo-ah! Let go of me right now!" Sandeul couldn't help but cry as he saw the scene in front of him.

 

"Hyung, you can't just go in and —"

 

"I don't care!" Denying the reality set before him, Jinyoung mindlessly called out his name. "Gongchan! This is not a funny joke. Gong Chanshik! Chanshik-ah!" Streams of tears fell down on everybody's face because they knew that their precious maknae wouldn't be answering back anymore.

 

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Remembering all of that really made me feel like an idiot. I regret not doing anything about it. Not being able to bring Chanshik to the hospital earlier so he could actually had a chance to live. And I knew how much pain he had gone through but I didn't do a single damn thing about it. 

 

I kept sobbing on Junghwan's shirt until I heard the door open and saw Baro and Shinwoo standing there. They looked at us, confused at first, but later with sympathy, having an idea of what we talked about. They went over to us, set the drinks down and joined our hug.

 

It's been four, no wait, six months since I've been with everyone like this. I regret not talking to them for the whole time. There were too many things that I regret not doing. But for now I'll just have to push that aside and keep working hard and live on. For the fans. For B1A4. For you, Gong Chanshik.

 

——

A/N: Phew. Finally got this out of my system. I haven't been feeling well for the past few days (mostly mentally) so sorry for the delay. I'll be ending this story in the next chapter and there might be an extra chapter for the aftermath. Depends if I'm getting better. Anyways, I must warn you that the next chapter might be short and rushed but that's only because I'm horrible at ending stuff. 

 

On another note, I'm starting a new series called "Silent Melody" (also about B1A4). It might become Jinchan too but who knows. Also, I'm still accepting B1A4 requests (since I don't know how to vary my writing for different pairings). So I would be very happy if you could send me some :) 

 

Hope you enjoy and thanks for everyone who's been reading this fic!