the nile

 

the sounds of the television fade out into the background, taking the backseat to kris’ idiotic screams and shouts. lu han wonders what he’s done to deserve such an amazing owner. (please take note of all the sarcasm dripping from lu han’s gills).

“he posts up from the three-point line.” kris bounces onto his toes, shooting the small foam ball no bigger than a baseball across the living room. it lands clean in the extra tank. “and it’s straight into the basket. the crowd goes wild.” kris pretends to scream, waving his hands in the air as he goes to retrieve the ball.

lu han leans against the mermaid figurine. he wonders how long the blond is going to keep this up.

“he goes down the court, fakes a pass to the left. he’s going straight to the hoop. he —” grabbing the edge of the tank for his mighty slam dunk, it’s no surprise when the tank tips over the side of the table with a small jerk of his humongous hand. it crashes onto the floor, splintering and cracking.

xiumin swims over at the sound, settling next to lu han.

“oooooooooooooooh~ tao’s going to kill youuuu~,” xiumin sings.

“at least tao won’t try to take you away from me now that the other tank is broken.”

is that a bubble? did it come from xiumin’s lips? i think the answers are yes and yes.

“stop thaaaaaaaat.” lu han whines, wiggling his fins around.

“if you’re going to say things like that, you should just admit that you like me and get it over with.”

“excuse moi, sil vous plait but i hate you. please do not make things up like that.”

“denial is not just a river in egypt, lulu.”

“do not — and i repeat; do not — call me lulu.”

“OH MY GOD TAO IS GOING TO KILL ME.”

both fish turn away from each other to look at kris who is on his knees in front of the broken tank.

“geez, could you have any more of a delayed reaction?” xiumin frowns.

“this just further proves that we fish are the superior species.” lu han takes one last look at a panicking kris before turning and swimming back to his castle.

“i like you, lu han.”

little fishy heart stopping, lu han looks at xiumin swimming behind him. “what did you just say?”

xiumin bubbles. “i said ‘that’s probably true’. though now i’m questioning my statement since you are kinda dumb.”

lu han narrows his eyes. “is that really what you said?”

“yeah, what did you hear?”

realizing he’s just hearing things, lu han decides it’s time to retreat into his castle for the rest of forever. “nothing! i heard nothing. uh, i think my castle is being destroyed by godzilla, i gotta go.”

xiumin watches the wakin in confusion as he darts off and into his castle. assuming it’s just lu han being lu han again, he heads to his own cottage. maybe he’ll get to relax since lu han looks like he isn’t coming out for a while and kris isn’t pretending he’s a basketball champion anymore.

 

 

“lulu, are you gonna eat? all of your flakes are gonna go to waste.” xiumin peeks his head into the castle, looking for the silly fish.

“go away xiumin. leave me to die.”

xiumin finds lu han wedged in the top window of the castle where he always is when he’s talking about dying. “you keep saying that and one day you’re really going to die.”

“good. then i won’t have to see your stupid face.”

“you like my stupid face.” swimming up to the other fish, xiumin nudges lu han’s side until the wakin wiggles out of the window and faces him.

“i advise you to stop lying to yourself,” lu han says, maneuvering around xiumin to escape the castle. his super secret attempt at escape doesn’t go very well because xiumin just follows behind him. thankfully, he misses the bubble that xiumin makes.

“i advise you to take your own advice.”

“i hate you.”

“i love you too, lu hannie. it’s okay.”

“oh my god. why do i keep hallucinating?”

“you’re hallucinating?”

“why must you make life hard for me, dear god.”

“you’re…hallucinating,” xiumin deadpans.

“what kind of sick joke do you think my mental health is??”

“what do you hallucinate.” xiumin swims up next to lu han and breaks him out of his argument with whatever god he’s trying to complain to.

“i heard you say you loved me.”

he’s so stupid it hurts, xiumin sighs. “i did say that.”

all of a sudden lu han stops swimming. “i’m dying,” he says and then he rolls over onto his back.

xiumin bubbles. “well if you feel like coming back to life, i’ll be at my cottage.”

 

 

lu han wipes his imaginary fishy tears. over the last forty-five minutes he’s gotten closer and closer to the wall of the tank until he’s pressed up against it, engrossed in the drama on television.

“why didn’t you tell him you were a girl?! why can’t you tell she’s a girl?!” he yells at the television. tao and kris left the television on while they went out and lu han’s been watching drama reruns for the last…four hours. maybe five. he’s a fish; he can’t really tell time and the clock on the far wall is too far away for him to see.

he watches at the two main characters get into another argument, all because the main guy is jealous the girl is getting all cozy with the second male lead. why can’t he see that they’re just friends?! if he had hair, lu han would pull it all out because of this stupid show.

“lu han, do you mind shutting up. i’m trying to read.”

“you don’t know how to read so shut up. i’m watching tv,” lu han bites back, not taking his eyes off of the screen.

“then stop watching tv.” xiumin says, annoyed at being ignored.

“stop trying to pretend you can read.”

“luluuuuuu~”

lu han whips around. “what did i tell you about calling me ‘lulu’?”

“that i should do this?”

oh, what’s that? a bubble party? omg bubbles everywhere.

lu han stares at the cute shubunkin, trying to remember what he was upset about. “xiumin…”

xiumin stops making bubbles. “what?”

“are you secretly a girl?”

xiumin can’t help but gape and the longer xiumin floats there with his mouth open, the faster lu han’s fishy heart beats in anticipation for the answer.

“lulu…” lu han perks up. “don’t talk to me for the rest of our lives.”

watching xiumin swim away, lu han tries to follow him. “was i right?”

“if you don’t stop following me, i will find a way to burn down your castle.”

“you’re trying really hard to hide it. that means you’re secretly a girl.”

xiumin stops and turns to look at lu han. “do you want to have my babies?”

it’s lu han’s turn to gape. “what— you— no! who would ever want to have babies with you?”

“good. because i’m not a girl.” xiumin starts swimming back to his cottage. “remember what i said about denial. …and stop watching television. it’s making you just as stupid as kris.”

“i’m not stupid!” lu han yells. “and i don’t have anything to be in denial about!”

“keep lying to yourself!”

 

 

tao calls for kris from the living room, hands on his hips as he looks at the spot on the table that is now empty.

kris walks into the room, pausing when he sees the look on tao’s face. he wonders if it’s too late to run away.

“kris….”

yeah, it’s too late.

“where is the fish tank that i put here?”

time put his crappy acting skills to use. “fish tank? you had a fish tank?” kris feigns ignorance. “are you buying more fish? i think lu han and xiumin are fine just by themselves.”

tao narrows his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest. “you know i wanted to separate xiumin from that unworthy lu han. where. is. the. tank.”

“it ran away?” kris chuckles awkwardly, lifting his shoulders in an uneasy shrug.

“if you don’t tell me what you did with the tank, i’m going to throw out all of your makeup and facial cleansers.”

“I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE IT PRETENDING TO PLAY BASKETBALL OH MY GOD DON’T KILL ME OR THROW AWAY MY BEAUTY SUPPLY IT’S WORTH MORE THAN YOUR LIFE JUST LEAVE XIUMIN ALONE I'M SORRY I LOVE YOU.”

“you broke it…playing basketball.” tao drawls, taking careful steps toward his boyfriend.

 

xiumin turns away from watching the two humans, facing lu han as kris’ death screams echo in the small apartment. hopefully no one calls the police. “can we have a moment of silence to remember our dearest kris?”

“hopefully tao realizes that you're not really his fish.”

okay, no moment of silence then. xiumin doesn’t really care. "whose fish am i, then?"

"mine," lu han says in all seriousness, waving his fin around nonchalantly as if what he said is common knowledge.

xiumin rolls his eyes. “i swear every time you open your mouth you sound more and more in love with me. am i that awesome?”

“i’m the only awesome fish here.”

“does that mean you’re finally admitting that you love me?”

lu han looks at xiumin, mouth wide open. he just stares and xiumin has to wave his fin around before he snaps out of it. “i don’t love you. NOBODY LOVES YOU.”

xiumin bubbles and lu han dies again.

 

 

tao decides to leave xiumin in the tank with lu han. and lu han would be happy except…

the next week, tao buys a new fish.

 

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what am i even writing anymore D: i just let my fingers type whatever they want so if this blame the fingers, not the person (?)

and aw yeah, new fish. lu han's gonna love having another fish around

it's 3 am. ugh. what is sleep.