you'd call me a freak. it's okay, i won't be offended. it's true. i'm a filth, a disgusting piece of . you'd call me an idiot. i won't argue. it's true, every single part of it. i was a moron for thinking that if i ended it all, i would be free from the shackles of misery. i was wrong, completely, horribly wrong. it only made me suffer more, seeing my parents mope over me, my friends to fall into the deep, black abyss of depression, causing them to lose their life, because of me.

          maybe this was god's punishment to me, because i was a coward, because i was afraid to breathe again. i was afraid that i would be more a burden to the people surrounding me. i thought death was another way to escape the world, but what i didn't know is that when you regret it, you could never come back.

          i totally forgot about that one.

          i thought that death was just a black abyss, with nothing to think of. you can't remember anything; you just wait there patiently and sit. you would not feel anything, you can't hear anything, you can't see anything, you can't touch anything, and you can't taste anything. but death, for those who end their lives themselves, was a makeshift hell. you are forced to feel their pain, your loved one's pain, to see what they see, to drown in their misery. and your heart would just shatter and then you realize, you were the one who caused it, and you can't do anything. it'll just make you ache for the ability to breathe again, but you'll realize again that you would never come back again, that it is final, that you were a moron to do so.

          i remember the day life was taken from me clearly. it was a cloudy day; the temperature was not too warm or too cold. autumn was nearing, and the leaves were beginning to show it's brilliant shade. but i was walking, not minding about how beautiful the day was. all i could think of how unfortunate a am, how a low trash a am, how i should have never even lived at the first place. i feel like a burden to the people surrounding me. my grades dropped like bombs, i am crying in the brink of poverty, and i was ugly as ever. i loathed life, and i loathed myself even more. i want to puke every time i saw myself in the mirror. in my head, i asked my parents, 'how could you let this piece of trash in? you know that he is a burden, why won't you say it, then?' it hurts, to see them love me so much, and i have nothing to offer to them. i was just a piece of garbage in their life.

          and then there were my friends. i have a close-knit group, 12 males, including me. when we were children, we'd just laugh at our mistakes, our flaws. but now i couldn't remember the reason why they even deserved such a horrible friend like me. i ignored them, leaving them to questioning why. i left them hanging. they are the best friends you'd ever wish for. understanding, kind, a bit dorky too, yes. but i was so immersed in life, i forgot about them. it backstabbed, of course. not like it's their fault.

          i crossed the bridge. the lights were so majestic. it felt like christmas, when it's not. it slightly dizzied me. how could a view be so beautiful? was what I thought back then.

          i was an idiot for not thinking it thoroughly. i climbed the railing, just to get to the edge. i want it over, was what i thinking back then. i want to be free from all the worries and responsibilities, without caring about anything or anyone anymore.

          there was a shriek, and then all eyes bolted to me. a woman was pointing to me. i immediately loathed her. i want a quick, undisturbed death. not one people would make commotion of. i scowled, and then edged further away. there were several shouts and pleads that asked me to come back, but there was one shout that made me stop.

          "KIM ING JONGDAE! YOU COME BACK HERE THIS INSTANT OR I'LL ING KILL YOU WITH MY OWN BARE HANDS!"

          i immediately froze, knowing who that was. kris. i flung my head to him, and to my surprise, i cackled. loudly. maniacally. "kris, i'd be happy to be here for you to kill me!" no, this was not me. this was the devil i have kept hidden for so long, and finally, it went out. what made me surprised that the other 10 was behind him- their eyes begging to me.

          "stop toying with us, jongdae." junmyeon said, stepping more closely to the railing. "jongdae, don't. you'll never come back if you do this," he said, his eyes full with concern.

          "then that's exactly what i want!" i spat back to him. "i'd rather be dead than be a burden to you all!"

          "who said you are a burden?" a voice rose. much to my bewilderment, it was tao. he had never stepped up in a situation like this. "answer me, kim jongdae, who said you were a burden?! i'm going to kill that person!"

          "and what if i said that i'm the one that told myself i'm a burden?! would you kill me, tao?!" i shouted back to him. he could only stare at me before finally letting out his tears. kris immediately hugged him, patting his back comfortingly. i only scoffed at the scene.

          the people began to crowd, watching us 12.

          "jongdae, please, you're making this more complicated than it is," baekhyun's voice snapped. "what would your parents do if you're gone? are you intending to leave us, then? don't you care about us? aren't we brothers? aren't we supposed to-”

          "I DON'T CARE!" i screamed in exasperation. "I DON'T ING CARE! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I'VE HAD ENOUGH PAIN; I'M SICK OF IT! I'M SICK OF BEING IN THE BORDERLINE; I'M SICK OF THIS WORLD! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME! YOU AREN'T ME! I'M SICK OF BREATHING, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!"

          "jongdae," minseok pleaded, eyes tearing up. "jongdae, how could you do this to us? we love you like you're our sibling, jongdae. If you're not here, we're incomplete. broken."

          for one second, i thought they really cared about me. but i scowled at my own thoughts. it was all but just a delusion, and i never intended to fall into that trap again. i turned my back at them and i took a deep breath, and they screamed, lunged, i can feel someone trying to grab my hands to prevent me from falling but it was too late-

          i was falling.

          my head knocked the railing and i could only feel hazy. there was a string of curses and a wide shouting of my name, before i became completely numb, enveloped in a black oblivion.

          and somehow, i could hear their pleads and cries and screams, and suddenly i wanted to rewind time,

          but it was too late. 

          and now i'm here, trying to stop myself from crying out loud again. i knew there was no one there to hear my shouts, my pleads, and my begs, because this is my punishment for leaving the people surrounding me alone. how i wish i could go back, to breathe again, because if i can, i will forever cherish it, and never in a moment i would be ungrateful to breathe. wouldn't it be wonderful to inhale the scent of life? wouldn't it be wonderful to hug someone again, to feel their warm embrace?

          i need to stop thinking about life. i deserved this. i shouldn't break their heart, the people i am close to, i should have never even think about ending my own existence. i was selfish. if i'm gone, it'd do no good to the people surrounding me. it'd only hurt them more, and i would only help taking a part of their heart away. i've just made the dumbest choices in the world.

         now i could only laugh. now i know why suicide is a sin. because you'd only hurt more people than you thought you would hurt. you'd only hurt more the people you thought would be relieved by your death. because it's selfish. and it's ing stupid. why end it when you have a wide range of options to live for? life was made to be lived, not ended. 

          how i wish that i could breathe again.