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“You really should go talk to him Jongin.” He turns to smile trying his best to cover up his tears because he really doesn’t want Yixing to see him this way.

“Yeah. Thank you.”

“What for?”

“Not treating me like everyone else even if I’m an idiot.”

“But a cute idiot right?” Yixing laughs and Jongin laughs with him. He wants to tell him not have so much pity on him but he guesses it’s better to leave the conversation where it is. It feels good now. It feels easier to talk to Yixing now. He regrets having put him through the things he did just because he’s a hard headed jerk. He says goodbye and feels like hugging him just for being there and talking to him like a human being but he ends up merely touching his arm and smiling before leaving.

He is so tired of people judging him and looking at him as if he is the biggest on earth. He probably brought that to himself anyway so he shouldn’t complain but it feels good to have someone to talk to nonetheless.

Sehun is there for him but not so much lately and he feels like his friend is slipping away from him like sand through his fingers. He doesn’t want that. Sehun is his only friend. He can’t lose him.

He goes walking to his dorm because it’s fairly near the school and as he takes each step he recalls his fight with Sehun earlier and how it’s surprising that Yixing almost said the same things. As if they knew him better than he knows himself. As if he is that transparent.

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“I guess his personality needs a little work.” He hears Sehun’s voice.

“Severe remodeling.” And this one is Luhan’s.

“Luhan enough.” It’s Yixing. Jongin feels angry all of a sudden. He can’t even believe Sehun is talking about him and specially saying those things. He wonders when he became so close friends with them.

“Good to know you like to talk behind my back Sehun.” The accused boy turns and gets up probably to apologize but Jongin doesn’t stay to listen and turns on his heels to leave the room. He really doesn’t want hear whatever Sehun has to say to him but the boy goes for a grab of his arm but he pushes him away asking to be left alone this time in Korean since he doesn’t want the others to know and it’s the language he uses with Sehun anyway. He starts to run and he can feel the other following him so he goes faster. Sehun reaches him when they’re already outside. He grabs Jongin’s arm but the boy shakes him off.

“Let go.”

“If you think you have the right to be angry, you’re wrong.” His voice his lower than usual and his words make Jongin look at him.

“You were talking behind my back!”

“So what? You suddenly care so much about what Yixing thinks?”

“What if I do?”

“That’s a first.” He snickers. “Do you believe that much he’s different from all of the others?” Jongin shoots him a glare. Sehun looks pissed and his words bite.

“Give me a break Sehun. I don’t need this from you.”

“He’s not different!” he yells when Jongin starts to wonder away. “You just want to mess with him like you always do.”

“Enough! Shut up.”

“Truth hurts?” Jongin almost feels the urge to slap him but he doesn’t. He just doesn’t understand why Sehun is acting this way so suddenly. Like he was bottling up all this rage that he only found the courage to spill out now. “You know how much of an idiot you are?”

“Sehun I really don’t want to hear you offend me.” He lowers his head and sighs in frustration.

“I don’t even recognize you sometimes…” Sehun lets out a sob and this makes Jongin look up. This is the first time he hears Sehun’s voice in such an angry and yet weak way. It’s heartbreaking to say the least. Especially seeing that he is the reason. “…when did you become this…selfish heartless ?”  Sehun talks as if Jongin has lost all shreds of feelings. As if he doesn’t even know the difference between right or wrong. But that’s not true and he wants Sehun to know. That in fact he probably changed but he isn’t the monster Sehun believes him to be.“You’re a ing idiot.” Tears fall from his eyes and Jongin wants to do something about it but he feels powerless routed to the floor. “A ing idiot.”

“Sehun…”

“It’s like you don’t even care for anything anymore. You talk without having people's feelings into thought.” He starts to cry harder. “And you think Yixing is the ing answer to bring back your heart?! Well it isn’t!” His words sting like daggers. He wants to believe Sehun is only saying those things to hurt him but the truth is, it’s not actually a lie. 

“Why are you telling me these things? Why are you being this way?” He forgets the fact that he feels angry and goes to stand closer and tries to make some move that would provide Sehun comfort but as he does the other only pushes him away. He wants Sehun to calm down because deep inside he wants to believe Sehun doesn’t mean any of it.

“You treat everyone like nothing and you expect them to just come crawling to you in the end? Things don’t work that way Jongin.”

“I don’t expect people to like me Sehun.”

“That’s right. You don’t care.”

“I thought you didn’t.”

“And I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t.” the tone of his voice and his expression makes Jongin feel abnormally sad for some reason. It looks as if Sehun hates his guts and that is a feeling Jongin never thought to experience.

“Why are you being this way?” He needs an answer. The look he sees in his best friend’s eyes doesn’t even look the same anymore. Even behind all the tears the boy merely shows a blank expression.

“Figure it out on your own. I’m done giving you hints.” Sehun pushes him out of the way and starts to walk forward with heavy steps. Jongin begins to follow him. Sehun can’t just decide to finish the conversation that way. Not after everything he said. “Don’t follow me. I can’t…” his tears have yet to cease. “I can’t have you around me right now.” Jongin doesn’t follow afraid of any other reaction Sehun might have. This happened to be a weird turn of events and Jongin feels incredibly confused as to what would’ve trigged this reaction on Sehun and why just now. He really wants to know what is troubling him but he doesn’t dare to go after him. Not right now anyway. He decides to settle for a bench and as he tries to come up with any explanation he buries his face in his palms and breathes out in frustration. This is not how he planned this trip to china to unveil. He knows he s up but he never expected Sehun to care.

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Jongin feels helpless. He didn’t tell Yixing everything Sehun said to him because in full honesty he didn’t want one more person to hate him. It’s enough pain as it is. And somehow Jongin sees in Yixing someone he can rely on. At least now he does.

All the way back to the dorm he thinks about what to say but when he makes it there all of his plotted conversation reduces down to silence. He can’t even speak as he sees Sehun’s lying form underneath a thin sheet with his back turned to Jongin. He takes a deep breath and goes sit at the edge of the bed feeling suddenly all too nervous.

“Disappear Jongin.”

“If you mean it that much I might just make you that favor.” He says softly and Sehun turns suddenly. There’s dried tears on his face and his eyes are red from all the crying. Jongin feels his heart sink down at the view. Sehun still looks angry though.

“I’m really not in the mood.” He starts talking as he gets ready to get off bed and probably go somewhere else in the house. Somewhere away from Jongin. The latter grabs his arm before he could take a step towards the door.

“Just tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’ve told you to figure it out on your own.”

“Well that, we both know I’m dumb as a door so just enlighten me if you please.” He grabs Sehun’s arm harder when the boy doesn’t say anything. “Is this all because of Yixing?”

“Yixing is just one more.” He almost laughs.

“Okay I get it. So I’ll never be able to love because I don’t have a heart right?” he chokes mid-sentence because it pains him to say it. And worse to know his best friend believes it.

“You’re such an idiot Jongin.” He smiles bitterly.

“ Sehun stop saying that. I get it, okay, so now what? You hate me? Because I sleep around and I don’t care of what they feel, is that it?” It’s all true and he remembers Sehun’s looks of disapproval and his warnings and he also remembers ignoring them.

“At some point I thought I almost hated you.” He breathes out obviously trying to control his tears from falling again. “I was just fooling myself because it was the only way out I thought I had…”

“It pains you that much to be my friend?”

“You have no ing idea.” He lowers his head and the tears don’t hold back anymore. Jongin feels in the verge of crying as well.

“So what, are you going to leave me?”

“You’re so selfish that you’re most afraid to be alone than the fact that I could leave.” Sehun is right but it’s only because Jongin knows that if he leaves he’ll be completely alone, besides him he doesn’t have no one else. He knows Sehun has a life of his own but Jongin doesn’t. He tried but he never managed to succeed. He can’t find in himself to get attached to anyone else. Sehun is his anchor. He needs him.

“I can’t survive without you Sehun and you know that.”

“And to think I can’t either.” He starts to dart away and turns his back to Jongin. “And yet…you don’t even know why…because you’re so ing blind.” He speaks so softly that Jongin almost doesn’t hear him. The latter puts a hand on Sehun’s shoulder and this makes him turn softly to meet Jongin’s eyes. “Why are you so blind?”

“I don’t understand…”

“Every day I confess to you…” Jongin’s mouth goes dry and he doesn’t know what to say. He isn’t even sure he heard right because Sehun is on the verge of tears again and his voice is so weak he might have interpreted something completely wrong. At least that’s what he tries to tell himself. “Every day I say something and I confess what I feel…even with little insignificant actions that I was positive you would catch on…but I you never did, you never do.” He lets out a louder cry and lowers his head to wipe his tears. Jongin’s hand falls from his shoulder and he freezes. There’s nothing he can find capable of saying. “Because you’re just blind…or maybe you just didn’t want to see…I don’t know…I just wished I could take these feelings away but I can’t…I ing can’t and it hurts to be around you.” He clenches a hand to the fabric that covers his chest and grips tight as if trying to prevent his heart to fall out. “I can’t stand being around you anymore…I can’t handle just being your friend anymore.” Even if he continuously cleans the tears away they don’t stop. Jongin doesn’t know what went through his mind at that moment and he probably shouldn’t have listened to his brain but he did and acted on instinct. He reaches for Sehun’s face with both hands and makes the boy raise his head to face him. He can’t even open his eyes with all the tears that flow from his eyes but Jongin doesn’t hold back and kisses his lips softly. It tastes salty. Sehun stopped crying for instants probably surprised. Jongin doesn’t linger and pulls away. It takes a few seconds for him to look back at Sehun and when he does the boy has an unreadable expression splattered on his face. “Don’t do this if you don’t mean it Jongin…” Sehun looks so fragile and he has no idea what to decide. They’ve been friends for so long and he never seen Sehun any other way than exactly just that. He knows he wants Sehun to be with him, he wants Sehun not to hate him. In the end he does love him even if merely in a brotherly way and he knows there’s a chance for him to love Sehun the way Sehun loves him. He wants it to have a chance. “I don’t want your pity.” Jongin reaches forward and kisses Sehun again. He lingers this time and before pulling away completely he kisses Sehun’s tear filled cheeks. Somehow even if it’s probably not the best thing to do, it feels right. Kissing Sehun feels right. Perhaps the only thing that ever felt right in Jongin’s life. He doesn’t push it though.

“I don’t promise anything but I can’t stand the thought of you leaving me. I can’t imagine my life without you.” And in some sort of way that’s love isn’t it? “I’m not letting you go Sehunah. I’m not.” He’s affirmative. A kind of love. Probably sick but he doesn’t care at this point. He already loves Sehun he just has to love him a bit more. To let go of his walls and let himself fall. Maybe that was his problem all along. Thinking he was in control of his life when he was only drifting apart of what really matters. Leaving behind scars. Scars that he’s determined to erase now. He needs to have Sehun back. Entirely back. He needs to make things right. “I’ll change. For you I’ll change.” Jongin looks at him right in the eyes and he can see them sparkle again. He can see Sehun is becoming blindly hopeful again and at this moment Jongin is only wishing not to screw up everything because he knows there won’t be a return after this. He can’t risk losing him.

This time it’s Sehun that leans in and kisses Jongin. It starts chaste but Sehun feels awfully eager and he doesn’t waste time until parting his lips and running his tongue through Jongin’s to be allowed to deepen the kiss. His hands find their way directly to Jongin’s body and this makes the older stiffen a bit. It still feels a bit strange. Because he was never in such position with Sehun before and it makes him nervous. Also something he seems to be experiencing for the first time today. All shreds of confidence seem to go down the drain as he lets himself be pulled deeper into Sehun’s embrace. He lets himself fall in comfort. Fall in love. Perhaps, yes, this really is love. How could he know if he never experienced it before? But then he remembers Yixing’s words. The butterflies. He feels them. And they’re indeed dancing. His stomach feels weirder the more Sehun kisses him and the more his hands explore his body. In opposite Jongin doesn’t dare to touch him, his arms fallen at his sides.

Sehun stops and looks at him probably sensing his edginess. His cheeks are finally dry and his eyes are so incredibly dark and glossy that Jongin almost feels himself getting lost in them. When he finally manages to move he reaches a hesitant hand to cup Sehun’s face. He a thumb along the expense of his cheek.

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I'm posting this because chapter 24 is not writing itself OTL sorry to my lovely kray subscribbers

why did i make this relationship so messed up? why sekai has always to have a messed up life in my fics? why do i ruin jongin so much when I love him? lool thank you for reading anyway. love youuu <3