I let myself fall onto the softness of my bed as I rethink and backtrack all the things ever happened in my life here, in this very house.

 

Apparently having this kind of family isn't the best thing ever. Well, I do feel grateful for having oppa by my side, I feel so blessed by god. Its just...the parents.

 

Appa is still somewhere in Japan. I don't know where he actually is, for he always moves one another town for the sake of his company's supplies. He loves me with all his heart, I believe, but unfortunately he isn't here to make umma feel better to treat me nicely.

 

Umma. I love her. I swear, I do love her and I always try my best to make her happy. When she told me to shut up in front of our big family, I did. When she told me to stop hanging around with some random friends, I did. When she told me to be the best at school, I would wake up in the middle of the night to study, and I would get beyond-above-average scores for her.

 

But obviously that's still not enough to make her love me back.

 

Because I'm a girl.

 

And she thinks of a daughter as a burden, a useless living creature.

 

Moreover, she hates my girly smile. Everytime I smile, she'll do something to tear it off my face. And in the past, appa would do something to stop umma and I'll be safe for the moment. But now that appa had left, everything is getting harder for me.

 

I don't smile anymore, because everytime I smile, something bad would happen.

 

"GAAAAAH WHAT AM I DOING?!" I yell in frustation, slapping both of my cheeks with my palms. Why do I sit here facing the mirror to practice smiling? "What an idiot..."

 

"Can't be more agree, It's indeed idiot to make funny faces probably for hours in front of a mirror" a voice suddenly says aloud

 

"MWO??" I jump in surprise, looking back to find the owner of the voice. I'm so shocked to see Jaejoong standing there casually, putting his weigh on the doorframe an crossed his arms over his chest. "God, you're shocking me! How did you even get there Jae?? And since when??"

 

He walks into my room like he did nothing wrong, and sits on my flowery-pattern bed next to my chair "Well, your bro is cool. He let me in just like that, as usual." He shrugs "I've been here since like... Twenty minutes ago? Long enough to see you doing stupid things"

 

My cheeks heats up in embarrassment "Nobody needs to know this"

 

"Agree. Nobody needs to know. We need to hide it like we hide my ant bite thingy"

 

I glare at him "Are you threatening me?"

 

"It depends"

 

"Depends on what? Hold on, I know it! Depends on your panda boxers, right?"

 

"What? Which panda boxers? Gosh, you're starting to talk nonsense"

 

"The ones you hide at the bottom of your closet? In the very corner, you remember? Those are cute, actually. Maybe I should consider to buy a pair or two for myself. Where did you buy them?" I smirk at him, waiting for his reaction. I honestly don't know what I'm talking about, I only made up things and this only has 50:50 chance of right. But it's worth trying.

 

Jaejoong's eyes widened in horror "How do you know about it?!? That's personal!"

 

I smirk in victory as I walk up to him, bending down on his eye level and smack his forhead using my index finger. Got you! "Just a lucky guess. If you don't want your precious panda boxers to be a hot topic at school, shut up about this. Babo."

 

He pouts "Not fair. You tricked me"

 

I unconsciously grin at his pouty face "Your fault for being so gullible"

 

Suddenly he stops pouting and looks at me intently, mouth agape "Did you just... Smile?"

 

I freeze, my heart drops to the pit of my stomach upon realizing the mistake I just did. "No, I didn't"

 

"Yes, you did"

 

"..." I don't know what to say anymore, for I already caught red-handed. I pretend not to hear him and start to find random books in my bookshelf and pull out an encyclopedia "Do you know why your nose doesn't look like your appa's nor your umma's? You should ask if one of them broke their nose or something, because--"

 

"Don't even try to distract me, Jieun-ah. My first time seeing your smile after... We graduated middle school?, It leaves me curious on why I've never seen it anymore for the past three years"

 

I look up to the ceiling and exhale in despair, feeling totally defeated. Jae isn't someone who would easily  drop a topic when he's serious, and his seriousness now isn't helping me at all...

 

I put the book down on the floor and turn around to face him. I must admit, keeping this feeling for myself for years is... Agonizing. Maybe to open up a bit won't be hurt...

 

I hesitate. "Is my umma downstairs?"

 

"We would be in MY room now if she is"

 

I let out a heavy sigh as I plop down comfortably next to him. "Don't blame me if you got bored. This is kind of lame."

 

And I told him my entire story. From the day I was born, how my mom wanted a charming baby boy but turned out that I was a girl, untill the incident last night. In detalis. It took me hours to tell him this, and in the end, here I am bawling my eyes out in his welcoming embraces, while he's trying to soothe me down and my hair gently.

 

"Sssh, it's okay, I'm here" he says, full of concern as he squeezes my shoulder assuringly. By now, his shirt already has a dark wet spot, soaked with my tears.

 

"She-she hates me, she hates it when I smile" I continue to sob, hard. "I've tried to make her like me, Jae...! I've never dreamed to have her loves me, her daughter, not even once in my life... I only want her to like me, that's all...! Is that too much of a wish...?!"

 

Jaejoong tightened his hug, whispering a "No it's not... Sssh, don't cry anymore... "

 

I eventually got tired of crying, and once I calmed down, I pull out of the hug and wipe my tears using the back of my hands "Thanks for listening, Jae. Mianhae, you just have to see such a mess I am now"

 

"You're not a mess" I hear him chuckles before I feel a hand helping me to wipe my tears off. I followed the hand and look up to see Jaejoong's tender eyes as he smiles down at me. My heart skips a beat. I don't know why, but suddenly I feel something funny in my stomach... It's like a butterfly has trapped inside. Okay, lame description, I know. Deal with it.

 

"How about this" Jaejoong abruptly withdraws his hands as he clasps his hands together--this somehow gives me a weird longing feeling-- and throws me a naughty smile "I'll help you up to be able to smile again"

 

I roll my eyes as I pretend to think, before saying "I think I'm fine with being expressionless like now. And your face doesn't help either; It kind of hints me that your idea... "

 

"Yah! I was trying to help!" He pouts, then he throws his hands to random direction exaggeratedly "Fine, if you want to have that sulky face forever and have ugly wrinkles when you're old because your cheek muscles were never been used and--"

 

"Wait up, wait up!" I cut him in mid-sentence. My eyes widened in fear "Help me with that one! I can't get a husband if I have ugly wrinkles!"

 

Jaejoong smirks, knowing that he had won over this argument "Okay, but now we need to get your things packed for tonight--no protests, just do it."

___________________________________________________________________

A/N

Nobody actually read this, LOL so I posted the 2nd chapter

So sad -_-

Thanks for reading! Free love for everyone ^_^