The sky was still dark as I stood by the window of the living room, a half-filled cup of warm coffee in my hands. Since I couldn't go back to sleep after waking up and staying awake for a whole hour, I decided to get out of bed and I hoped that fresh and hot coffee could loosen the hurt I felt in my heart at least a little bit, but seems like I can't do much about it. 

I sighed and took a sip of the dark brown colored liquid as I lifted my gaze on the dark grey sky covered with thick clouds; the perfect representation of my heart at the moment. No stars, no lights, just hurt and confusion. I smiled bitterly as the fact of Christmas being near and that it surely would be the worst one of all came in between many other thoughts. 

What was my heart thinking in the first place? Falling for my best friend probably is the biggest mistake I ever made. At first, I thought it would be not too big of a problem since we were doing the fanservice together and it would maybe have been enough to satisfy my heart. Yeah, maybe. What would happen after a while? Would I want more than just fanservice? More than just fake touches, fake love stares, fake everything else? 

Fake.

I closed my eyes as I remembered the short conversation Jaejoong and I had the night before in the kitchen, then with Yoochun at the park. I shook my head and moved away from the window. Deciding that playing the same scene over and over again in my head would do me no good, I walked to the couch and sat lazily on it. I reached for the remote and was about to turn on the TV when I heard footsteps in the hallway. I mentally hoped that it wasn't a certain someone, and when the voice of the member reached my ears, I felt some relief.

''Hyung?'' Changmin asked as he approached the couch and sat on it, surprised to see me up so early. ''What are you doing here? It's barely 6am. Our first appointment is at 9.''

As I opened my mouth to reply, his lips formed an 'o' and replied for me, ''Never mind, I know why. Can't sleep, right?'' 

I looked at him briefly and nodded, ''Yeah, plus I guess I needed some time for myself before everyone else get up. You know, we don't often have time for ourselves like this, so I wanted to enjoy it as much as I can.'' I tried to chuckle but it came out as a weird laugh. Nice way to alert him that something's wrong with you, Yunho.

He patted my shoulder and there was a silence for a few minutes before he spoke again, and what he was about to say definitely wasn't going to be something I was expecting.

''You love him, right hyung?'' 

I stopped breathing momentarily and my head turned to him so fast that I felt slightly dizzy afterwards. ''W-W-What?''

He laughed, ''I guess that answers my question.'' My eyes widened in horror. Changmin knows.

''W-Wait, how did you-'' 

''How I found out? Come on hyung, who do you think I am, uh? And to be honest, it was pretty easy to find out. How you look at him, it's just too real. Your heart speaks through your eyes, hyung.''

So I am that obvious uh? Great. Then it means that Jaejoong might have figured it out somehow too, and that would perfectly explains his behavior towards me. If he acts this way, he perhaps feels so disgusted as to create a lie where 'he endured the fanservice all these years and he wants it to stop'. Maybe all of this doesn't even have anything to do with the manager in the end, and is just a coincidence. And there I was for a moment, thinking that I could at least keep my friendship with him, but if he thinks of my feelings as sickening, then how can we still be friends? The situation just keeps getting worse.

I lowered my head, ''Am I truly that easy to read?''

''Honestly speaking, Yunho hyung, you're like an open book. At least when it comes to your feelings towards Jaejoong hyung.'' 

''Then, everyone is going to know about it and I'll be doomed, how great is that!'' I said exasperatingly and sarcastically while making exaggerated movements with my hands. Changmin shook his head and smacked my arm.

''Yah! 'Everyone is going to know about it','' he said in the same tone I used just to mock me, ''are you serious!? Cassiopeia already thinks you both love each other, so even if you fall for real, which you did, there isn't going to be much difference for them, they'll ship you two together no matter what! As for Jaejoong hyung's cold attitude towards you, yes they'll worry, but if we solve the matter quickly, then there won't be such a fuss.''

He then suddenly grabbed my cup and drank the remaining coffee in it, leaving the mug empty and me dumbfounded. He gave me a 'what' look and stood up abruptly.

''Anyway hyung, don't think too much about it, we will find a way to solve everything, okay? You, me and Yoochun hyung, since I guess that he was the first one to know about your heart, and I bet that the duckbutt is just too oblivious as usual. First of all, why don't you find a moment to talk in private with manager hyung and try to find what truly happened?'' 

I sighed deeply and nodded in defeat. Telling him no would be futile, since he would insist on helping anyway, and trying to solve the situation wouldn't do any harm, right? I guess I will have to trust them, though I don't really know how this will end. There was yet again a short silence before Changmin's voice was heard again.

''So, I was going to jog for a while and pass by the grocery to buy snacks on my way back, want me to buy some for you?''

I looked up at him with narrowed eyes, ''Yah, even if I tell you to bring me some, you're going to eat them all by yourself before you even reach the dorm, aren't you?''

''Hmm, yeah, most probably.'' He said and turned around, but I called his name right as he was about to head to the front door, which made him look back at me with a questioning glare.

I gulped down before saying, ''U-Umm, aren't you... I mean, about how I... h-have feelings for umm...'' Aish Yunho stop stuttering! This is embarrassing enough to ask!

''If I am uncomfortable, embarrassed, disgusted, mad and disagreeing with your love for hyung?'' He completed the sentence for me and he facepalmed shortly after, while shaking his head slowly from side to side. I didn't know what to say, so I kept quiet and diverted my gaze to his feet.

''Sigh, seriously Yunho hyung? Didn't what I said to you couple of minutes ago already tells you the answer? Plus, even if I wasn't agreeing, do you think I wouldn't help you anyway, if it was to make you happy and stop being sulky and depressed? I can't let my two hyungs start to play all 'I-don't-talk-to-you-anymore'. In any case hyung, we will solve this, arrasseo? Now excuse me, but my snacks are calling for me.'' He made a quick 'fighting!' sign with his hands then quickly made his way to the front door.

I sighed silently and went to the kitchen to put the empty mug on the counter when I heard a 'See you later!' and the sound of a door being closed.

I leaned on the counter and crossed my arms, bringing my thoughts back to what Changmin said. I furrowed my eyebrows.

''Manager hyung... what did you tell Jaejoong?'' I muttered as I stared in front of me.

Few moments later I went back to the couch and watched the TV, waiting for everyone to get up, get ready and go to our first appointment for the day.

*****

After hours of hard work, sweat and sore muscles, evening finally arrived and here we were, packing our things to go back to the dorm. We just finished recording one of our special holiday songs as it was the last work we had for the day. I looked around and saw Yoochun teasing Junsu about something while Changmin made a list of every food we needed to buy for tonight's dinner to Jaejoong. Since they were all busy, I took the opportunity to discuss with our manager who was busy talking with a staff member.

I walked up to him and bowed, ''I'm sorry for interrupting, but hyung, can I talk to you for a moment? It's quite urgent.''

He raised an eyebrow but agreed and said quick apologies to the man he was talking to before following me outside of the room.

''So tell me, what can I do for you Yunho?'' 

I tried to keep my best composure, looking nervous as less as possible and talking with my leader tone, ''Hyung, I know you have other things to do so I will go straight to the point. As the leader, I think it is necessary for me to know what exactly it is that you spoke to Jaejoong about a few days ago, when you texted him that you needed to meet him alone a-'' I got cut in by hyung whose expression turned into a confused one.

''Wait a minute, I haven't texted him anything of the sort nor have I met him privately to talk about whatever it is.''

What?

''Uh, well...'' To be honest, I didn't know what to say at this very moment. You would probably say that he was lying, but the look in his eyes is just too... sincere. He truly looks as surprised and confused as me. ''... are... are you sure hyung?''

''Unless I got amnesia, which is quite improbable, yes I am very sure of what I did in the last few days, and doing what you just told me ain't included.'' 

''Oh...'' Is all I could utter. My heart sank. So he really did lie to me. Jaejoong lied to me. He found out about my feelings for him and he created a lie. That's the only plausible explanation. I mentally scoffed, to top it all, it was so obvious he was lying. Him being so nervous when talking about it, the sudden change from warm and friendly to cold and distant...  

A waving hand in front of my face interrupted my thoughts and I slightly jumped before recomposing myself and smiling awkwardly.

''Are you okay Yunho?''

''Ah, yeah, sorry, haha. I guess it was a bad joke they played on me. Aish, these friends of mine really...! I'm sorry for bothering you hyung.'' I bowed and scratched the back of my head.

''It's alright, you know how they are, they like to fool around all the time.'' He smiled genuinely and gestured me to go join the other members. I bowed one last time and did as I was told. 

I walked back into the room and told the four of them that we were done for today and we're heading back home. Changmin came to me and asked discretely about the manager, I simply shook my head and he understood. We hopped into the van and arrived at the dorm about fifteen minutes later.

In front of the door, I grabbed Jaejoong's wrist and refrained him from entering. He gasped and the others looked at me stunned for a split second before Yoochun told Junsu and Changmin to go in before he himself followed and closed the door after giving me a last glance.

''Y-Yah!'' Jae struggled and I let go of his wrist but immediately put my hand on the wall, preventing him from trying to open the door. 

''This is really not funny, Jaejoong-ah. Really not funny.'' I looked at him painfully but he strictly avoided my stare.

''What are you talking about!?''

''Don't play dumb with me, why did you lie to me!?'' 

''I never lie to y-'' I held back a bitter smile.

''You're lying again, Jaejoong-ah.'' 

''N-No I-'' 

''Then why did you tell me that you talked with manager hyung, uh?? I asked him about it and he said that he never met you alone!'' 

He lowered his head and bit on his lower lip. I knew it.

None of us said any words. He kept his head low while I stared at him, a sting in my chest. Not able to take it anymore, I took off my hand from the wall and left him alone outside in the hallway. With a blank expression on my face, I went straight to the bedroom, ignoring Yoochun calling my name and MinSu's worried expressions.

Why. Why is this happening? Everything was fine not so long ago, and now... ugh.

I skipped dinner and lied down in bed, hugging Bambi tightly while trying to chase all negative thoughts out of my mind, but in vain. I fell asleep an hour later, again with a heavy heart.

*****

It is Sunday evening and I checked myself one last time in the mirror before going to the living room to make sure everything was alright and all, earning myself a mocking 'Yeah, appa, we're fine. We'll be nice children while you're away.' from Yoochun followed by a 'Have a nice dinner with halmeoni, appa.' from Changmin, making Junsu roll on the floor laughing but I don't know about Jaejoong's reaction since I do not have the heart to look in his direction. I smacked YooMin on their head and bid them goodbye. I put on the hood of my red hoodie and wore my jacket. It doesn't look the best but I've got to hide my face as much as I can and wearing sunglasses in winter (plus that it's already dark outside) would be too weird and inappropriate.

I decided to go to the restaurant by walk since I thought it would do me some good. It's the first time I'm having dinner with eomma in a while and I can't allow myself to look depressed in front of her. 

I arrived at the restaurant and walked in before going to a table in the back, a little further from the other tables. The place was refined yet still warm and cozy with appealing colors and nice scents. I didn't wait long when I felt a hand on my arm, making me turn to a smiling woman who quickly embraced me tightly. I hugged her back and smiled.

''Hi eomma, it's good to see you.''

''It's good to see you too dear.'' She said and we pulled away from the hug, ''I saw you entering just a few moments before I did, so I fortunately did not make you wait long.'' She chuckled as I pulled her chair for her to sit on then took my seat across from her. 

''Ne, seems like we have good timing.'' I smiled and we ordered the same plates we use to take when we come to this restaurant together. The waiter bowed and went away when we finished our orders. I turned to look at eomma and took her small hand in mine, smiling softly.

''I'm sorry for not calling home eomma. Even though I was busy I should have tried to find some free time.''

She shook her head, ''It's alright Yunho, your appa and I both know how busy you boys are in this time of the year, so we understand.''

I felt guilty for neglecting my parents like this, and being busy shouldn't be a reason.

''I'm still sorry. I hope you and appa have been doing well though, and why did you come alone? Has something happened?'' I started to worry and eomma immediately waved her hand and smiled.

''No need to worry, he just caught a cold, it's nothing serious but he needs to keep his body warm and rest a lot. I told him it was better for him not to come in his current condition, even though he was so eager to see you again. You better come home soon and make up for it, hmm?''

I hummed in reply as I felt relieved. If something bad had happened, I don't think I would have been able to take it, especially after what's been going on recently. I've been feeling a thousand different emotions in the course of a few days and my mood has been like a roller coaster. 

I suddenly felt a warm hand cupping my cheek. I looked up to see eomma staring at me worriedly.

''What about you? What's with that sad look on your handsome face?''

Aish, I'm so stupid! I mentally slapped myself for making her worry and leaned back on the chair. I swore not to let my bad mood show and I did the exact opposite. Good job Yunho, good job.

''I'm fine, eomma, it's the tight schedule that drains all my energy but it's not the first time, so I can cope with it.'' She looked at me like she is not satisfied with my answer. 

''Are you sure?'' 

''Ne, it's okay, really.''

She sighed lightly and brought her hands to her lap.

''Tell me if I am wrong, but something happened between you and Jaejoong, am I right?''

I gulped down and diverted my gaze from her. I can't tell her about it, can I? How is she going to take it if I tell her about how I fell for him? For a man? But first of all, how does she know that we...

''If you are wondering about why I am asking, it is because of the sudden 180 degree turn in you two's behavior. Have you forgotten, dear, that I follow your daily activity very closely? It was very easy to notice right away. So tell me, did you two have a serious fight?'' Think fast Jung, think fast.

I breathed deeply, ''Oh, about that matter, you know, we had a misunderstanding after a practice and it turned out worse than usual but please don't think much about it eomma, I'm sure we will find a way to solve it very soon. We never stay mad at each other for a long period of time, so it's fine.''

I wore the best smile I could for the moment as eomma looked at me still a bit worried, but replied the smile nevertheless.

The waiter arrived with the food a short while after and we began eating while chatting about everything and anything. The subject got pushed aside but it still lingered at the back of my mind through the whole dinner. 

I wished appa was here too, but I still enjoyed the evening. It was pleasant.

*****

It was nearing 10pm as we walked out of the restaurant, our stomachs still filled with various delicious foods and a wide smile decorating our lips. I already wore my hood over my head as we left the building and we were now walking slowly on the sidewalk, getting slightly away from the entrance.

''Ahh it's already this late! I apologize for taking so much of your time Yunho, omo you must be tired.'' She caressed my arm and I chuckled.

''It's alright eomma, I was very happy to see you tonight. It really helped to brighten up my mood as well. Thank you.'' I kissed her cheek and she did the same before pulling me into a long motherly hug.

''I'm glad to hear that I could make you feel a little better, dear. I can't wait until next time.'' We pulled away and I nodded, still smiling.

''Same here, I can't wait to spend more time with you, and appa too of course.'' 

''Hmm. Take care on your way back, and don't get sick, arrasseo?'' I squeezed her hand softly and let go.

''I know I know, I will be careful. Well then, I guess I will be going my way.'' I smiled to her one last time and was about to walk off when a hand gripped my wrist, stopping me from getting away. I turned around surprised and stared at eomma.

''Yunho-ah...'' She removed her hand from my wrist and looked at the floor briefly then lifted her head to look into my eyes again. I crooked my eyebrows at her.

''Is something wrong, eomma?'' She stared at me seriously in silence for a few seconds.

''Yunho, please be honest with me. What happened between you two, it wasn't a simple misunderstanding, right?'' My heart skipped a beat and I looked away.

How...? Ah, I guess it is the instinct of a mother... I guess it's no use lying to her anymore. She has the right to know afterall, she is my mother.

I sighed silently, ''You're right, it wasn't just a misunderstanding.'' I shifted on my feet and forced my eyes to look at her as I shoved my hands into my pockets.

''Jaejoong-ah, he... he told me out of the sudden that he wanted to end YunJae, and I guess I took it too seriously. It normally should not have affected me so much, but due to...'' I stopped momentarily as I was quickly thinking of something to complete my explanation. Meanwhile, eomma was still staring at me, her expression surprised of my statement. ''... but due to the high level of stress and many other things going on at the same time, it made me overreact over it and... aish, I'm stupid. I took my anger out on him and I was wrong.'' I lowered my head, ''I should go back and apologize to him. I'm at fault. I should have discussed it over calmly with him. Afterall, we're talking about fanservice here, it ain't nothing important.''

Eomma didn't say anything. We stood there for a while. Not able to stand the silence any longer, I lifted my head and smiled (the best I could but it was still somewhat an awkward one).

''Anyway, don't worry about us, we will sort things out. Now I should go before they start to bombard me with phone calls and texts asking me where I am and that I need to get my -'' I quickly corrected myself, ''I mean, that I don't come back too late so I won't be a zombie-looking person tomorrow.''

I gave her a quick hug and smiled (awkwardly again). ''I will make sure to call home to say hi to appa. Bye eomma, saranghae.'' 

I turned around and started walking back to the dorm. Once I was far enough from her, I exhaled loudly, ''I was not able to tell her everything... I did not have enough courage to tell her about my true feelings...'' I muttered, ''I'm too afraid of how she would take it.''

I walked past numerous shops that were still open at this hour. I looked inside some of them and could see many people checking through racks of clothes with their friends, debating on which cakes would be better to celebrate the Holidays, looking admiringly at various colorful and lovely accessories to offer to their loved ones, all while chatting and laughing happily, joy filling their hearts.

On the streets, thousands of white, red, green, blue, purple, yellow, orange and pink flashing lights were hanging everywhere; in the light-snow covered trees, on the street lamps, in front of all the buildings's entrances, etc.

Soft, light bright snowflakes were falling gracefully from the thick puffy clouds in the sky. I stopped on my tracks and looked up, feeling them land gently on my skin, melting down immediately. 

I closed my eyes and felt a single teardrop rolling down on my cheek. When I realized I was still in public, I quickly lowered down my head and hurriedly looked around me to see if anyone noticed me, but fortunately there was barely anyone except some couples that were too busy being clingy and lovey dovey to each other and some others that weren't looking in my direction. I sighed in relief and resumed walking.

I shook my head and chuckled bitterly at myself, ''Just go back to the dorm, Yunho. Stop making yourself even more depressed than you already are.''

*****

I was about to open the door of the dorm when I felt the urge to sneeze, which I did shortly after.

''Aish, I hope it's not a cold. It's definitely not the right time.'' I said and turned the knob, ''Hell, scratch that. It is never the time to get a cold. It's always a pain.''

I walked in and removed my jacket, hanging it in the closet then pulled off my boots.

Then I sneezed again. Yep, I caught a cold. I walked further into the hallway while rubbing my hands together to try to warm them up. When I entered the living room, no one was there. That's when I realized that the apartment was way too quiet. 

''Guys?'' I asked a bit loud, but got no answer. I sighed and passed a hand through my hair while walking to the kitchen, ''For the love of God, where the hell are they?''

I took out a dark blue mug and put it on the counter as I filled the kettle with water and pressed the 'on' button. In the meantime, I went to change into comfortable clothes and at the same time check if the others were in the bedroom, but they weren't. Seriously, where did they go??  

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and went back to the kitchen to check on the water when I bumped into someone. We both stumbled a bit but rapidly recovered and,

''Ah, excuse me, I didn't see you-'' we both said at the same time and stopped, staring at each other.

It was Jaejoong.

I smiled nervously and looked away, ''S-Sorry, I should have been more careful.'' I said and passed him sharply without giving him any glance nor chance to say anything.

I felt my heartbeat increasing and I mentally cursed. Damn heart of mine. I finished making my tea and went directly to the couch in the living room. I sat my tired body on one end of the couch and pulled the coffee table nearer to me so I was able to put my mug filled with hot and steamy tea on it. If I drink it right away, I will just be an idiot and burn myself with it.

I turned my head to the window and looked at the sky. It was still snowing. I wasn't able to get too deep in thought as I felt someone sitting on the couch, not too near me but not too far from me either. A sweet and distinctive scent made its way to my nostrils few seconds later. I knew who it was, and my heart knew right away too. It started beating rapidly against my ribcage and I swear, from the dead silence in the room right now, I'm sure we would we able to hear it.

I couldn't stand the silence, but I didn't know what to do in order to break it. What should I say? What should I do? Then I suddenly remembered something that bothered me ever since I came back to the dorm, and that needed to be asked as the leader of the band.

''Where are they?'' Short and simple. They were three words, but it was a miracle for me to be able to utter them without stuttering or sounding all nervous and whatnot.

''Changmin... he wanted to buy snacks, because he already ate them all, but Junsu wanted to go with him to make sure he doesn't eat everything on his own, then Yoochun decided to go with them to prevent them to start a fuss in public and get them noticed. I also wanted to tag along but Yoochun-ah told me that we needed someone to stay here in case you came back before they did. So that is why... there is only you and I... here.'' He spoke in a low voice, his tone being completely different from the one he used when we argued. 

''Oh... I see.'' Is all I could say. The silence was back between us after that, and the atmosphere was awkward. I grabbed my cup and took a small sip, but it was still quite too hot so I put it back on the coffee table. That's when I heard a soft sniff.

I hesitated to turn around and look at him, but I did so after a short while, and the sight of him at that moment shocked me. He was hugging his knees against his chest, his eyes glistening with unshed tears, looking at the carpet in front of him. My heart sank seeing him like this and I couldn't stay here without doing anything. 

I turned my body a little so it was easier to look at him, ''Jaejoong-ah... what's wrong?'' He turned his head towards me and I felt my heart being squeezed as our eyes met. He sniffed once again and bit on his bottom lip.

''What happened? Why are you cryin-'' I didn't have time to finish my sentence as he already had jumped into my arms, hugging me tightly in his hold and wetting my shirt with his tears.

''I'm sorry.''

-----

Hmm. I don't really know what to think about this chapter. And, I know that it gets kinda confusing (is it?) but I promise you all that a lot of what's going on is going to be explained in the next chapter. You'll eventually get Jaejoong's explanation, but I'm not going to say more than that for now. I don't want to spoil it! Well, I hope you liked this chap and I'm sorry for the delay >_< you can be mad at me for not updating in the last... two weeks I think? Anyways, thank you for reading / commenting / subscribing, it always means a lot to me! :'D