If you are to follow someone everywhere he goes, everything he does, every nook and cranny of him, not minding that you went unnoticed, and you're lacking in the visual appearance department, then whatever reasons you can come up with--be it adoration or pure obsession--to justify your deed, you're still a stalker.

If you fix your gaze on his moving form, keep your steps following him through and does numerous things unasked--changing his broken porch lights, calling a taxi to when he's drenched with no umbrella nor knowing what to do in the middle of a heavy albeit stormy rain, or keeping a nice, hot coffee on his desk in almost every greeting morning or sometimes a frappe when it's summer and things are getting too hot--and somehow you're a rather dashing, gorgeous young man, then you're never to be look down as a stalker. Even if your admiration has long passed common sense and you start seeing nothing but him and him only, your need to know him and him to know you is no longer in a loving and longing situation, you are still bound to be called a secret admirer.

Funny how it was decided by the way you look. 

Especially when you're not someone, something, anything that can be looked at. At least not to be seen by the eyes of living humans. 

And you just want him to know that you're his guardian angel. 

But guardian angel you're not, since you are left nothing but the wandering substance that follows him around. You can't even help him when he lost his keys that was only being forgotten on his desk, nor giving him some warmth in the middle of the night when cold are surrounding him for the sake of winter--just like any of those stupid romance novels taught you about. Sometimes you wonder why you can't see those said angels, cause from you were told when you still had your form, angels are the one who look after humans. Do they only care for the moving, living men and not the uncertain matter, floating around, wandering here, there and nowhere. And you want to blame angels. But you can't bring yourself to blame them. Their condition are even worse than you. They have their substance--some teaching told that they were made out of light, but they have no right nor ability to move or do or even choose as they wish, for their sole purpose is to fulfill whatever tasks given by God. And you wonder.

Should you blame God for leaving you nowhere, nothing, no reasons, no way? But then you remember that it was all thanks to Him that you were once you, and he was once him. Or maybe you could go back to throwing unseen tantrums to angels since they didn't do their job escorting you to heaven or hell or anywhere, anything it is about, for missing you in the crowd and being too busy minding others in the world to even notice that there are many more like you that roaming around? But then you'll have to admit, that one reason or another, you do have part in making--letting this happen. For your worries, your longing, your adoration, your love are too much for him, that you don't want to leave his side, even if it leaves you undecided, unsubstantial, unseen, unwanted. 

Then...

…is it actually him to be blame then?

But no.

Never.

He was never to be blame.

Not since the beginning.

Not for ever.

For he was just being someone that is too precious, too perfect, even if it's too much for you.

So you'll just stay here, there, nowhere, as long as you can be not his stalker nor secret admirer nor guardian angel. You're fine with being the unreal matter that keep longing for, loving, surrounding him. Here, there, nowhere, yet everywhere around him.