Sacrifice
You're the ONENichkhun's POV
I'm very aware of Qian's presence as we walk together in the darkness, checking every now and then if she's still okay. She looks beautiful as usual, and the moonlight lights up her features, showing off her flawless skin and sparkling eyes. I sigh, looking back to the road ahead. The amount of times I have wished for this very moment, just me and her alone. It felt calming and relaxing to know I didn't have to hide from my feelings. Well, not at the moment any way. Though I see no end in sight - not one that involved the two of us - I still want to be there for her. Even if it means hurting.
I sighed at that last thought, and Qian looked up at the sound.
"Is some thing wrong?" She asked.
"It's nothing," I smile. Qian smiles, but still watches me, worried.
"So, how are Jieun and Wooyoung getting on?" she asks fondly. Despite her obvious and forced subject change, I take the bait and look at her surprised.
"They're okay, he was walking her home last I saw.... how did you know? We barely got it out of him."
She smiles. "The girls can't hide anything from me."
"Hm," I nod, reverting back to earlier thoughts. "But you sure can."
She looks at me questioningly, and I sigh. She wasn't getting rid of this matter by simply changing the subject.
"You've been holding this," I signal to her face, still slightly tear-stained. "All in. You dealt with it, or tried to, all by yourself. It shouldn't be like this. A year is a long time, and you were willing to keep it up."
"It's okay," she says quietly almost whispering. "I don't need-"
"Yes, yes you do. You're only human," I interrupt. "I thought you understood that; it's all I've said for the past six months. Before..."
She looks away as I approach the matter of her attempting to cut me off and I sigh.
"I understand."
Her eyes flit back to mine.
"I get it," I will her to understand, and know she does.
"Mianhae," her eyes are guilty. "I shouldn't have been so abrupt... but I was trying to do the best thing."
"It's okay Qian. Don't feel guilty... but that's not what this is about. You were willing to sacrifice your only outlet..."
She looks away and I groan. We come to a halt, as I hold her arm back, forcing her to face me.
"Qian don't do that any more. Don't suffer alone," I say seriously.
"But, I can't tell the girls," she sees my expression and sighs. "I mean, I can. But they... they have enough to think about."
"You don't have to," I say, understanding her familiar desire to be supportive without vulnerabilities. "You can tell me."
She stares at me, surprised.
"You..."
"Let's go back to how we were," my heart races as I wait for her response, despite the fact I don't intend on giving her a choice. "I'll be there for you again. It won't be more complicated then that."
"But... Nichkhun, that's not fair on you."
I flinch as she refers to my circumstance. This is as close as we've ever got to discussing how I feel; not taht we don't know any way. It's just, we don't usually need words to communicate it, she can read me like a book.
"It doesn't matter."
Her eyes were conflicted, and I know she wants to believe me, but she can see how I feel in my eyes. She knows where it could go... we both do. Still, I'm not prepared to let that separate us again. Since school started, she has been avoiding me, and I hate it.
"I convinced myself it would be okay," I explain. "Purely because of Lian-ssi. You have Lian, granted, but from your expression, I can tell it's not easy as it used to be. She's got university now, and if I know you at all, you've convinced yourself she doesn't need any more on her plate."
Her face says it all.
"We are friends Qian. It's normal," I inhale. "You can tell me any thing, you already know that. Let everyone know, so that they won't be suspicious of our relationship... and I promise you, I won't let any of... whatever else there is ruin that. For now, it can all wait." A little piece of my heart breaks off as I say these words. Sure, I'm making a big sacrifice, for now any way. But it was better then pretending not to know her. I can't let her see how it could be. I couldn't do that to her, no matter how I feel. It's been only six months, and that's half way through.
I know it is coming, and I still don't know what I'll do when it arrives. But for now... she needs me.
Qian smiles at me sadly, and I can see pain in her eyes.
"Qian, pain again," I sigh, squeezing her hands, and again I can't help taht we had met befpore all this. Before the fight, before the promise; heck, even before she met Changmin It all would be easy; I know it would be set in stone. But instead, here I stood, councilling her on her distanced boyfriend.
"Six months," I murmur, mostly to myself. "Six months, and I will not hold back anymore..."
Qian's POV
He breathes the words lowly, staring me straight in the eyes. I break our eye contact instantly before I can see something I don't want to.
Is Nichkhun waiting for me to let go?
I know I hadve been hanging on, but I let myself. Just for a year. I think. Just a year and I would know the answer. But... as I consider, the questions I've been avoiding surface.
How would I know no matter how long I wait? And what if he does come back... Do we continue where we left off? That would just defeat the whole point.
I sigh, as Nichkhun watched me, with a million different emotions, clear in his eyes. I look back at him, my gaze looking to him for help. He sighs as he reads my expression.
"Qian, don't think about it, not yet. Never mind no," his words are half-hearted, but his eyes convey more than he says.
I break the intense gaze, looking away quickly.
My eyes move to our location, and I quickly realise where we conveniently stopped.
"This is home."
Nickhun looks up, surprised as well. He turns back to me, his gaze reading mine.
"Come on, let's go in."
* * *
Joonmyeon's POV
I knock on Lian's door with a grin, anticipating her reaction. I haven't seen Li for a while, having been forced on a trip. I missed her, as well as Soeun, the most. Soeun, my little sister.
I sigh again, remembering when she arrived home. Truth be told, before she had arrived I was watching from the window. I was just about to leave to look for her and was checking one last time, just in case she had arrived. Surprised didn't cover my sentiment when I saw her and... some guy standing outside. Either way, it seemed he had just dropped her off, cause he quickly left without any intimacy, luckily for him, so I guessed he was a friend.
For one intense second I had thought it was her boyfriend. Ex boyfriend that is. Ha, wouldn't that have gone down well.
My thoughts are interrupted as the door swings open, revealing a distracted Lian. She was staring at her phone, and didn't look up to me. I quickly took teh opportunity to scan her relaxed features. Her familiar bright eyes, shoulderlength hair and pink cheeks instantly beckon me, and I quickly feel the need to embrace her as my longing only increases when her familiar rosey perfume reaches me. From the first moment I saw her, I knew she was special. I welcomed my infatuation, and fought off my instincts to back out at any second, cos I knew I'd finally found the one worth staying for. And now, I couldn't imagine a day without her; the caring, sweet, mature yet cheek of a girlfriend she was.
Thank god for Soeun's bestfriend introducing us.
"Sorry, I was waiting for some one... What is i-" she stopped as she glanced up to me, eyes wide and mouth slightly open. I don't even try to fight back the goofy grin.
"Hello. You haven't by any chance, seen my girlfriend, Song Lian?" I smile pronouncing her full name. As I speak she snapped out of it, her eyes lighting up.
"Joon Myun-Oppa!" she exclaims, rushing into my arms, wrapping hers around my neck and pulling me into a deep kiss. I quickly relax, pulling her tightly to me and unwilling to let go as I finally feel at ease. We finally part, but stay in the position, savouring the moment.
"I missed you so much," I whisper tightening my hold round her waist.
"I missed you more," she smiles, snuggling into my chest.
* * *
Not much later, we're sitting together in the living room watching tv. Luckily, her family are away with Qian's mum, leaving her all for me.
It's a horror film, and is just on the bit were the killer sneaks up behind the unsuspecting girl. Lian's hiding her face in my shoulder, and I'm hugging her, grinning. I asked her before hand, but she didn't want to turn it off, so here we are.
"You know," I murmur into her hair, it down. "You don't need excuses for me. If you wanted to cuddle, we could've just ditched the movie and gone straight to the-"
She hits me softly on my chest, hushing me as she peeks up at the screen, and I chuckle at her cuteness.
Suddenly, there are a series of footsteps out side, and Lian's gaze shifts. She lifts her head a little and peers at the window. I smile again at her cute expres
Comments