I Can't Let You Go.
What Used To Be Unexplainable.[Oneshot]
When I woke up, I saw white.
I closed my eyes again tightly, only this time, to have a gentle kiss wake me up that Sunday morning.
As my eyes fluttered open, I saw the very thing that I've always wanted to see.
Every morning.
Every afternoon.
Every night.
Every hour.
Minute.
Second.
She was all that I craved to see.
"Oppa!" Her bright smile and her pretty face was what completed every single day of my existence.
Better than any sunshine.
"Hey." I smiled as I reached out my arms in an attempt to hug and cuddle with her but she pulled back, an excited look at her face.
"Get up, get up!" She clapped her hands.
I tilted my head back on my pillows and was about to take off my blanket but was surprised when I saw that it was already done for me.
"Come onnn!" She sat on the side of my bed, a wistful smile on her face as she cupped my face into her hands.
What startled me though was the temperature.
Her hands were very, very warm. Feverish.
"Are you okay?" I asked in alarm as I gripped her two hands to mine.
"Oppa, trying to come up with excuses to sleep longer huh?" She shook her head, the wistful smile still on her lips.
"You've always been like that! Every single time, whenever I come in to surprise you! Well, it won't work now! Go and freshen up, I'll wait for you here!" She pulled on my hands as she always does when she's forcing me to get up and prepare.
"Okay, okay." I laughed.
"I'm going, all right?" I grabbed my towel and went inside the bathroom but not before I saw a satisfied smile gracing her lips.
I shook my head, smiling.
I really wouldn't mind waking up to this every day.
--
I was just about to comb my hair in front of the mirror when she suddenly turned me around to face her, grabbing the comb, she reached up, accidentally hitting my forehead with it.
"Ouch." I grimaced, laughing.
"One, two..." She counted quietly to herself, as if measuring the air above my forehead.
"I miscalculated. Sorry oppa. I've memorized your every body part in contrast to mine. See, the top of my head would reach up to your eyes, only two counts away from your hair." She smiled up at me proudly.
"Aigoo, I have a very cute but quite weird girlfriend." I grinned as I placed my arms around her waist as she proceeded to comb my hair with utmost care.
"There. You look very, very handsome oppa." She whispered, her eyes suddenly taking on a wounded look.
"Hey, is something wrong?" I asked in concern.
Why was she sad? Was something bothering her?
She took a deep breath and counted to ten, chanting 'I can do this. Everything's okay.' repeatedly under her breath.
What is going on here?
"Hey, hey." I took her by the shoulders, my eyebrows knitting.
"Can you please tell me what's going on? Why are you being like this? Is something the matter?"
A bad feeling settled inside of me when I heard what she was muttering a while ago but she only smiled and looked down at my hand, counting the spaces between me and her, 'one, two, three, four...' as she grasped my hands to her tightly.
Her hands still felt so warm.
"Let's go oppa! I have a wonderful date planned for today!"
I shook my head and tried planting my feet on the ground; I wanted to know what was wrong; Why she was acting like that,
but her pull on me was surprisingly strong.
It's either that or I didn't feel like myself today.
"Let's go now, quickly, quickly!" Her voice was bright and cheerful again, every gloom she had on earlier was gone.
As we opened the door, I was surprised to see my sister, Jieun, in front of it, looking startled.
"Jieun?" I asked in surprise as well.
"What are you doing here?"
"Hey Ji!" Rika greeted her warmly but I was puzzled when my sweet sister didn't return the greeting, she only stared back at Rika, a look of disbelief crossing her features.
"What's the matter?" I knitted my eyebrows but Rika brushed it away, grabbing my hands, she pulled me down the stairs.
"We'll see you later Ji!" She called out.
As she successfully pulled me with her to the living room and almost out the front door, I saw my mom walking in with a tray of cookies.
"Rika?" She gasped, looking at my girlfriend in surprise, the tray she was carrying almost wobbled in her hands.
"Woah mom, careful!" I was about to tip it upright when Rika beat me to it.
"Hi umma!" She smiled, in a forced cheerful manner, I noticed, as she fixed the tray in the right position.
This was puzzling for me. My mom loves my girlfriend, she had no qualms about our relationship. She even told me before that she would like Rika to be her daughter-in-law.
Rika on the other hand, adores my mom, she treats her as how she treats her own mom.
"Rika? What are you doing here?" She still looked shocked.
"How did you get in?"
"Did you not open the door for her, umma?" I asked, confused.
"Umma..." Rika looked at her pleadingly.
"Rika, what..." My mom set the cookies down on the side table, heaving a sigh.
"Please umma, just this one time!" Rika continued to beg.
"Hey, what's the matter?" I asked these two ladies in front of me.
Did the unthinkable happened? Did they argue or something?
"Rika, you need to st--"
"Umma..." Her lips trembled, a sure sign that she was going to cry.
"I just had this date for Minseok planned...and...I just want to go out with him. Please..."
"Rika, Rika. My darling Rika..." My mom sighed heavily again.
Ah, I get what's the argument now!
My mom, although she's kind, is really strict when it comes to going out during school days and Sundays (since that was the day before classes start) and she preferred to keep us in. I've always voiced out about this strict rule of hers but I never won, thus I always had to abide. It makes me guilty when I can't take my own girlfriend out for dates because of this. Fortunately, Rika was always so understanding and sometimes, I would climb up to her bedroom at night where we would just fall asleep in each other's arms.
I decided to help Rika in this situation, though. I was looking forward to this date too!
"Please, umma?" I began, "We'll be back in two hours--"
"--by afternoon!" Rika said at the same time, pouting.
I looked at her. By afternoon? Mom would probably not--
"I give up." My mom closed her eyes in defeat and massaged her forehead.
"Do what you want. I won't stop you anymore."
"Really?" I was surprised, at the same time, Rika beamed and hugged my mom, thanking her.
After that, she pulled on my arm, even missing it for the first two tries and grinned sheepishly while counting the air between us again before finally succeeding.
"Come on!"
The last thing I saw before we went out of the house was my mom looking out after us, a heavy, dismal look crossing her features.
--
"I brought my bike oppa! Should we ride instead of walking?" She turned to me, smiling expectantly.
"Okay." I agreed easily, about to take the front seat so that I can lead when she once again, beat me to it.
"Hey." I looked at her questioningly and she directed her gaze to the back seat, giggling.
"I'll take the lead today, okay? Are you all settled back there?"
I blinked, she'll take the lead?
But why? She doesn't like sitting on the front seat, she prefers hugging my waist from behind and leaning her head on my back.
"Come on! I know you're wondering, but I really want to try this once! Okay, oppa?" She held on to the handles and I positioned myself on the back, and wrapped my arms around her waist.
"Okay, okay. Whatever you want." I smiled, kissing the top of her forehead as she sped away, laughing.
I never noticed it before but my Rika can really bike fast! Woah. Do I have a super girlfriend or what?
I laughed with her, her long hair flying with the wind, I leaned down and kissed the side of her cheek.
"If you're tired, I can take over. Just say it, okay?" I whispered in her ears but her smile never faltered, assuring me that she was still okay.
When we arrived at the park, she eventually lowered down her speed.
"Oppa, you're gonna love our date for today! I promise!" She shouted aloud, making some people look at us.
"Woah, look at that, she's so cute!" I heard some guys saying as we both got off the bike and parked it by the trees.
I wrapped an arm around her protectively.
"Hear that? They said you're cute. They must be blind, huh?" I teased and she only laughed as she scooped something up from her bike basket.
"Picnic time!" She said brightly and I beamed, holding her hand.
"Yay! You brought my favorite, right?"
Suddenly, I noticed the same guys walking towards us, an interested look on their faces.
"Hi." They stopped us from our tracks and I saw Rika looking at them questioningly while I frowned.
"Yeah? Is there anything you need?" I asked in a formal tone, I know what these guys are doing: hitting on my girlfriend.
"I've never seen you around here. Are you new?" The annoying guy asked, smiling at my girl, and completely ignoring my question.
I huffed and pulled Rika behind my back.
"She's not interested, okay?"
But Rika went in front of me again.
"Three things." Rika began in a flat voice.
"First, I'm not new here. Second, I'm not interested in you, in case you didn't notice, I'm with my oppa today." She raised an eyebrow and the guy frowned a little, throwing a brief glance at my direction then around the park, and by the tree where we parked the bike.
"Wh--"
"And third, your pick-up line ."
Rika then her heels and I quickly followed suit, satisfied.
But not before I heard those jerk's friends' comments:
"She rejected you?"
"That girl is a crazy chick!"
"She said she's with--"
I immediately turned around, anger bubbling inside me.
"What did you call her?! Crazy?! You want to DIE?" I shouted, stalking over to them but they just ignored me and set off.
"Weird. Her oppa can keep her then. Pfft. Such a waste for a pretty girl..."
The guy commented again and I gritted my teeth, about to launch myself at them, furious at their comments and on how they were so disrespectful to me.
"Oppa! Oppa! Xiumin Oppa!"
Rika called out. I turned around, my anger almost completely dissipating because of her worried tones.
"Let them go, okay?"
"But--"
"Come on! I brought your favorite! Pleaseee?" She pouted.
I gave the jerks one last angry look before sighing heavily and sauntering over to her.
"All right, fine." I shook my head, and smiled back, setting myself down on the picnic mat that she laid for us.
"Here you go, oppa! I brought buns! Steamed! Just the way you like them! And soda!" She held them up in the air, giggling and I looked at her, surprised.
Soda?
"I know I usually scold you when you take soda instead of fresh juice or water...but..."
Her smile faltered a bit.
"But this time, you can do what you want. You can have anything you want, all you need to do is say the word. I promise I won't stop you or scold you." She grasped my hands.
"Really?" I was very surprised with her change of attitude.
"It's just that, if I could make you happier..." She whispered, looking pained.
"I would do so." She looked down at the apple she was holding, her hands trembling.
"I would do so...I would. I always would..."
Her actions were confusing me so much.
"What--"
"There are lots of things that I regret so much..."
"Rika, what are you--"
She looked up at me, but her gaze was so distant.
"I'm just..." A perfect tear rolled down her beautiful eyes.
"Just...really so sorry, Minseok..."
--
After trying to calm her down for some long minutes, we finally continued our picnic.
I glanced at her warily as she bit on her apple, I couldn't eat anything though, deep inside I'm so worried for her.
Why did she break down like that?
Even after taking her in my arms and asking her what was wrong, all she did was to apologize again and again.
Other people even came, this kind elderly lady offered her hanky and consoled her until she finally calmed down.
I didn't really care what they would think about me, but a lot of people glared at my direction, or at least, I think it was me they were glaring at, probably thinking I made her cry.
But then they would whisper to themselves afterwards, looking at us questioningly, then they would glance at Rika pitifully, most likely because seeing her in tears like that really hurts.
Well at least I get hurt when I see her like that.
"Oppa, are the buns good?" She asked, looking at me expectantly.
"Y-Yeah." I gave her a weak thumbs up.
"It should be really good, oppa! I even used my special sauce to make it better! Make sure you finish everything, okay?"
I nodded slowly, my head still filled with questions.
"Rika..." I stared at her in concern.
"Are you really okay?" I asked.
"I'm really glad your mom agreed to this date! I've really been wanting to spend time with you." She smiled, completely ignoring my question.
I sighed, was she avoiding the topic?
"You're happy too, right?" She smiled at me expectantly.
"O-Of course." I tried to smile back.
"but I wonder what you said or did to my mom to make her agree like that though..."
"You know what, oppa? I want to go on a date with you every day." She said out of the blue, smiling dreamily.
"I want to go on picnics with you, and cook you food, and watch the stars with you..."
"I'd like that too." I said wistfully, thinking how it would be so wonderful if I could be with her all the time.
"Every day." She repeated.
"I want to see you every minute and I want to always hug you and talk to you, and kiss you..." As she kept on enumerating these things, the confusion that was growing in me came back.
Because she looked sad.
She looked so pained while saying all these.
"Rika?" I asked, really growing worried with her constant changing of attitude.
Am I missing something here?
"Is that possible?" She asked, still looking sad.
"Of course it is." I said hastily.
"I'd just break mom's rules or sneak out or something...It's okay." I caressed her cheek gently.
"It's not possible, right?" She sobbed softly.
"It's not, it's not. Because we can't. We can't anymore."
"What?" I blinked, confused.
"What are you saying, Rika?"
She only looked down at her hands .
"Can you hold my hand, Minseok?" She murmured and I quickly took both of her hands to mine, holding them tightly.
"Did I do something wrong, baby? Why are you saying these things?...I'm so sorry." I pleaded even though my head was aching from all the questions inside it.
"Hold my hand, Minnie..." She looked down at our entwined hands, crying softly.
"I won't let go of them," I promised.
She continued to cry softly, taking her hands away.
"What am I going to do? What? How?" It felt like she was talking to herself rather than to me.
"Rika, please tell me what's wrong." I begged.
"I can't take this--"
"Minseok, I'm really sorry..." She whispered as she raised her hand.
"One, two, three..."
She kissed my cheek gently, her kisses, her hands, they were very warm.
"I love you." She murmured, my cheeks gently, counting the spaces softly between
us, I held her in my arms, but truth be told, her words only made my heart feel heavier.
What happened?
--
After the confusing picnic, we had to go back home, she was silent all throughout, even when I teased or joked around just to make the mood brighter.
I can see it really wasn't working, especially when she turned left in the usual fork in our neighborhood.
Left meant my house, right meant hers.
"Hey!" I said in alarm.
"I'm bringing you home first! I'll just take the bike back to your place tomorrow."
"We're here, oppa." She once again completely ignored what I said and walked to the front door.
I sighed and followed behind her.
What a stubborn girl.
"Rika--"
She knocked twice before my mom answered the door.
"Rika?" My mom looked concerned.
"Date's over~ I'm bringing him back to you, as promised!" She smiled brightly and my mom sighed.
"Rika, please--"
"I'm going home now, umma!" She interrupted her in bright tones.
My mom just shook her head and went inside the house.
Rika then turned to me, a loving look crossing her features.
"Take care, oppa. Make sure you eat well and that you sleep early." She counted silently the distance between us and fixed my hair again in a caring manner, before she tiptoed a little to kiss, I was a little bit surprised, my nose.
She giggled a little, "Always remember, I love you!" She whispered and I can't help but smile, she's always like that.
I love her little reminders though, they never fail to complete my day.
"I love you too, jagi!" I pulled her into a hug.
"Should I come by tonight?" I whispered.
I occasionally go to her house at night, going up to her room through the window.
It was no big deal, we just cuddle and sleep next to each other and nothing more.
But I love doing it so much, I love sleeping next to her and making her wake up in my arms.
She only smiled in return though, and I took that as a silent response to my question.
"I'll be there."
--
After Rika went home, I tried to talk to my mom.
It seems like she and Rika shared a secret that I didn't know about.
But she didn't say much to my constant prodding.
She only frowned, sighed, shook her head, or looked distressed.
Finally, she went up to her room, locking the door.
I wasn't sure if she was mad at me or she just didn't really feel like talking.
Was it because I technically broke her rule of going out today on a date?
You see, she dislikes it when we disobey her rules, even though it was a burden for me sometimes, I always try to follow, I never want to cause disappointment to my mom.
But I thought it was a bit too much when I went down to dinner and saw that my place was empty, my mom didn't even set up a plate for me.
I got so upset about it that I chose not to eat, but it's not like they called me down to dinner in the first place anyway.
I returned to my room and silently watched a movie without really seeing anything because other thoughts kept on plaguing my mind.
Was she that mad at me?
--
Later that night, I felt weird.
My whole body felt so cold and I had a raging headache.
Whenever I would try to stand up, I would feel so dizzy and collapse back on my bed.
Clearly, I was in no condition to go by my girlfriend's house tonight, much to my regret.
The only thing I could do was to send her a message, apologizing and assuring her that I would just make it up to her tomorrow.
--
That morning when I woke up, I saw white again, but once again, a kiss was what made me snap back to reality.
"Good morning, oppa!"
Rika was once more at my room, wearing a long, flowing dress and looking so pretty.
"Good morning..." I blinked up at her, smiling a little and thinking how it felt so good to wake up to this every day.
"Mom let you in again?" I grinned and she only smiled, counting silently before landing her hands to my arms.
"Go and wash up, okay? I'll wait for you here!"
"Mmm...can't we cuddle first?" I asked, holding her and trying to be cute.
"Ppali! I have a surprise for you! Go now! Now, now, now!" She giggled and I was instantly caught.
"Okay, okay. I'm going." I held my hands up, laughing and staggered to the bathroom.
When I came out, I saw the 'surprise' waiting for me.
Breakfast in bed!
Or more like, steamed buns in bed.
"Steamed buns?!" I was so excited.
"You're letting me eat them for breakfast??" I happily took the tray as she went all around my room, fixing my bed, placing my shoes in the corner, opening my closet and arranging my clothes.
"Baby, my things are too messy, leave it. I'll be the one to do it. Come here and eat with me, okay?" I called out, watching her every movement.
However, she didn't answer, she only kept arranging my things, and gazing wistfully at our pictures that I taped to my wall.
"Rika?" I called out again and she finally turned around, facing me.
"Are you done eating, oppa?"
"Well..." I looked down at my plate, I had finished the whole thing in ten minutes.
"Oh, what am I asking?" She rolled her eyes playfully and glanced at the clock.
"Of course you're finished! It took you just five minutes or something huh?" She teased.
"Or something." I laughed.
"It took me ten!"
She only shook her head, laughing. "Come on, put on your coat and let's go out!" She sat on the bed beside me.
"Going out? Do we have a date?" My eyes twinkled.
"Come on, come on! I'll wait for you here, go! Go!"
"Fine, fine." I said ruefully, what an impatient girl!
"On second thought, never mind." She mumbled and grabbed my hand, missing it once more for the first two tries.
When she missed the third time, I just took a hold of her hands and opened the door.
"Okay, come on. What's up with you today? You're more uncoordinated than usual." I but she didn't say anything.
"Hey, are you mad? I was kidd--"
"Rika?" My mom appeared in the living room again, a questioning look at her face.
"I'm here to take him out, umma! We won't take long, promise!" Rika begged and I looked at my mom warily, remembering her behavior yesterday.
My mom sighed heavily, looking distraught.
"Rika, when will--"
"I promise umma, only, only for a while! Please?" She begged again.
"That was not my question." My mom frowned, concerned.
"Oh..." Rika looked away.
"What's the matter?" I asked the two of them again.
"Can we please not talk...about it?" Rika murmured.
"Rika, you need to--"
"We'll go now!" Rika interrupted my mom again and hurriedly went out the door.
I saw my mom looking over her worriedly.
I didn't understand what it was about, so I just went over to my mom and gave her a big hug.
"Thanks, mom." I whispered, grateful that she's letting me go out again even though it's against her rules.
But her next words left me puzzled and lost.
"Oh Minseok, what am I supposed to do...?"
--
This time, we biked over to our favorite hill.
Okay, it's not really a hill hill, but it overlooks the whole town when you get up there and that was our favorite spot.
Up there, we just gazed down at everything, She rested her head on my lap and kept counting the distance between us whenever she would muse my hair, caress my cheek or touch my arm.
In the end, I took both of her hands to me and we stayed like that, without saying anything.
It felt really nice.
"Oppa, should we take a selca?" She glanced up at me, taking out her camera.
"Okay." I agreed and she sat up counting distances between us again before she leaned her head on my shoulder and focused the camera on us.
"Smile." She said softly, and I did so, as she pressed the shutter.
She looked at the picture afterwards and I craned my neck to try to peek over her shoulder to see it too.
"Again, oppa. Stick closer to me okay?" Her voice, I cannot exactly pinpoint it, but it sounded heavy and kind of sad.
"Okay." I agreed again and leaned much closer to her, placing my arms around her waist.
"Smile." She said again, as she flashed her own beautiful smile for the camera.
When the flash went off, she checked it again, bending down and not letting me see it.
"Hey, can I see?" I pouted.
"Again, oppa! Smile, will you?" She complained and aimed the camera at us.
"I was smiling!" I made a face jokingly and hugged her tighter.
"Smile!" I stuck my tongue out, trying to do a funny face.
Once again, she looked at the picture, not letting me see it.
"Again!" She aimed the camera and took three pictures without warning, gazing down at them after.
"Hey, I think I blinked at the second picture! Let me see!" I tried to take the camera from her.
But she only aimed the camera at our faces again, a determined look on her face. "Again!"
Snap.
She inspected it once more.
"Again!" Her voice became more commanding and she was snapping pictures with a desperate expression in her eyes.
What's going on?
"Hey..." I frowned in concern.
"Are all the pictures that bad? That couldn't be possible. You're in it!" I comforted her.
It was true that taking selcas was one of our favorite things, and it was always fun and we always ended up with great pictures without trying like the way we're doing right now.
"Can I see the photos?" I pouted at her shoulder.
"Minnie oppa, you should come closer and smile brighter, okay?" She mumbled as she fixed the settings in her camera.
"How close anyway? I'm practically meshing my face with you." I muttered but she only looked at me.
"Okay, okay." I hugged her the tightest I could and offered a smile for the camera.
"Smile, all right? Smile that smile that I fell in love with, okay?" She murmured and I turned to look at her in puzzlement.
She sounded sad when she said that.
"I'll do something better." I promised as she positioned the camera at our faces again.
"One, two..." She counted under her breath.
"Three!"
I kissed her cheek then.
Kisses are better than smiles right?
She looked at the camera again, and I smiled widely, surely she wouldn't be mad anymore, yes?
But her face only looked crestfallen as she gazed down at our picture.
"Again." She said once more in a desperate tone as she clicked the camera's shutter over and over.
"Again, again, again, again!"
She wasn't even smiling at the camera anymore and was just randomly snapping away.
"Rika! What's the matter?!" I was now officially angry.
"Why are you acting this way?"
"Again! Again! Again! Ag--"
"I don't want to do this anymore!" I said, angry and confused.
That's when she stopped, lowering her camera down and biting her lips.
"Minseok, are you mad?" She whispered, not looking at me.
"No...No, I'm not." I said softly, regretting my angry tone just a few moments ago.
"I was just puzzled--"
"I'm sorry." She murmured before she burst out crying.
"Rika!" I was so alarmed.
"Why are you crying?"
"Sorry..." She repeated and suddenly stood up and started to run away from me.
"Hey!" I said in alarm, standing up quickly as well and ended up losing my balance in the process.
"Ow." I rubbed my elbow from where I hit in on a nearby rock, and looked up searching for her, but she was already on her bike and was speeding away.
"RIKA!" I shouted, more alarmed than ever, and attempted to stand up and catch up to her.
"Rika! Rika! Wait! RIKA!" I shouted, doing my best to run fast.
"Rika, Rika! Wait! I'm sorry! Sorry!" I shouted hoarsely while running after her.
"Please stop the bike!" I begged but she didn't listen, so I just tried to speed up.
I was halfway almost near her when I suddenly tripped again, gashing my knee, and scratching my elbow on the little rocks that I landed into.
I winced but nevertheless, I quickly stood up and continued to run, panting, but she was biking too fast for me.
"Rika, wait..." I murmured, looking at her figure until it disappeared from the road.
I put my hands on my knees, breathing hard and feeling dizzy and hurt from running so much.
She really left me here.
Alone.
What was that about?
--
When I went back home, my mom was still evidently mad at me.
She didn't talk to me much all day, but then, I wasn't talking to her much too. After all, I was still confused with what happened to Rika.
I mean really, it was the first time I saw her get mad over selcas.
It was so unreasonable.
Still, I don't like it at all when we fight or when she's mad at me.
Although I'm not sure if this incident counts as a fight...
I stayed in my room the whole day, contemplating about this.
Why was Rika acting that way?
Was something wrong?
Did I do something wrong?
Frustrated with not getting answers, I picked up my phone and tried to call her.
"Rika?" I asked nervously when she answered after the third ring.
"M-Minseok?" Her voice was trembling.
"Rika?" I asked calmly and worriedly.
"Are you okay? Are you mad--"
"Minseok?" She asked again, strangely though, she was whispering.
"Are you there?"
"Yeah." I sighed. "Rika, I'm sorry about the selcas okay? I don't really like it when you get m--"
"Hello?" She suddenly cut me off.
"Hello? Rika?" I frowned a little.
"Can you hear me?" I stood up and paced around.
"Hello?" She asked again and I closed my eyes.
"Look, Rika. I know you're mad. You don't need to give me the silent treatment or--"
"Minseok...?" She whispered again, I could hear her ragged breaths over the phone.
"Oh my gosh...oh my--"
"Baby, I'm sorry okay? Please--"
"Minseok..." She sniffed.
"Rika, let me finish--"
"Minseok? Are you there? I must be going crazy..." She sobbed loudly and my eyes widened.
"Yah! Yah! Rika!" I was worried; why was she crying again?
"I'm crazy, crazy!" She repeated, as if she was talking to herself then suddenly hung up.
I tried to call her ten more times after that but she diverted all my calls to voicemail.
Frustrated, I threw my phone on my bed and grabbed my coat.
I think...it's really time we talk about this.
--
I turned right on the fork in our neighborhood, determined to talk to her.
When I reached her house, I saw that her bike was there, it wasn't even parked properly because she just left it lying on their lawn.
I sighed and fixed it back up for her before I went up to their porch and debated to myself on whether I should knock.
But then, it was already 10PM, so I guess I should just climb up to her room as I usually do when I visit her at night.
"Rika!" I murmured aloud, cupping my hands around my mouth and calling out to her, I glanced up at her window, the light wasn't on anymore.
Was she sleeping already?
"Rika?" I called out again quietly and threw pebbles at her window to alert her that I was there.
There was no response though.
She usually opens up the window for me when I do this, I guess she's still mad.
Having no more choice, I decided to climb up in her window, using the ivy growing in the sides.
"Rika?" I called out softly and opened her window gently.
She was laying on her bed with the night light still on.
"Rika?" I whispered and felt so troubled when she wouldn't even look at me.
"I'm sorry..." I murmured and slip next to her in her bed, and placed my arms around her.
"I'm sorry...don't be mad anymore, okay?" I kissed the back of her head but she only sniffed in response.
"Rika... Can you face me?" I murmured and placed my chin in her shoulder.
Still, she wouldn't talk to me, her attention was on her phone, as she stared hard at it.
I squinted my eyes in the dark, her phone was flashing, indicating my ten missed calls that she didn't answer on purpose.
"I'm sorry, oppa..." She whispered back, still not facing me.
"You didn't do anything." I kissed the top of her head again and she finally faced me, her face streaked with tears.
"You're crying again." I frowned worriedly and wiped the tears away.
"I'm going crazy..." She murmured, closing her eyes and more tears fell from them.
"What?" I was confused.
"Sorry..." She sighed and I her cheek.
"Don't be." I comforted her.
"Look, whatever it is that you're sorry about, it's okay. I'll love you forever, no matter what you do, do you remember that? That was my one and only promise to you." I kissed her forehead and hugged her tighter, even though she wasn't returning any of them.
She only cried in my arms repeatedly and I restrained myself from asking why and just attempted to comfort her over and over.
"Don't cry anymore, you're exhausted, see?" I held her face in my hands and kissed her.
"Sleep." I leaned her head closer to my chest and enveloped her more.
She only sighed and closed her eyes sleepily, before leaving me with words that made me unable to sleep the whole night.
"I don't think I can ever leave you, Minseok..."
--
The next morning, my attention was caught by the knocks against my door.
I mean her door.
This little information made me bolt up.
Oh no! If her parents ever find out I stayed here the whole night...
I bit my lip and carefully positioned Rika against the pillows so that she won't wake up and quickly put my sneakers on.
"Rika? Rika! Wake up, honey! Rika?" Her mom called out and I winced, grabbing my coat and opening the window.
But then, I couldn't resist one thing.
I quickly went over to my girlfriend's side.
"I love you, Rika." I murmured and kissed her forehead before finally fleeing and heading home.
--
I returned home quietly, my little sister, Jieun, was already up and was sipping her coffee while staring at the corner.
I didn't worry about her catching me returning home at this time because I know she won't tell on me, anyway. She resented mom's rules even though she didn't say anything about it.
"Hey." I joined her on the counter and ruffled her hair, but she didn't even smile the way she usually does.
"Good morning?" I tried again and smiled at my sister but she only looked down sullenly.
"Hey, Jieun-ah, what's wrong? Is there something that's troubling my favorite sister?"
I was getting a little tired from everyone's dark moods.
My mom still won't talk to me, Rika's acting weird, and now my cheerful sister is not even smiling.
"Jieun!" I shook her but she only sighed, shaking her head in avoidance.
"Hey, talk to me." I said worriedly, now knowing that something really is up.
"Oppa--" Her tears suddenly fell heavily and once more, I was alarmed.
"YAH! TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG!" I shouted worriedly.
That's when I heard my mom coming into the kitchen.
"Jieun?"
Jieun quickly wiped her tears away, trembling softly.
"There you are." My mom didn't seem to notice my sister's state.
"Eat your breakfast quickly, you need to help me pack up--"
"Pack up?" My sister and I both said at the same time, except that her tone was one of disbelief instead of questioning.
"Are you serious?"
"Jieun!" My mom frowned and Jieun suddenly stood up, a pissed off look on her face.
"I can't believe you think this is so easy!" She shouted and I looked at her in shock.
"Jieun!"
My mom sighed, "Honey--"
"I don't want to hear it!" My sweet sister snapped back as her feet pounded up the stairs.
"Jieun!" She called out after my sister and I bit my lip worriedly.
"Mom, what's going on? What's going to be packed?" I asked in confusion.
"Ah, why is this so hard..." My mom muttered.
"It's okay mom, I'll just do the packing for her, okay?" I volunteered but she only sighed and poured herself a cup of coffee.
"Do you want breakfast?" I asked, trying to lighten up the mood.
"I learned this new omelette thing on the net--"
Suddenly, a loud crash came from my sister's room.
"What was that?!" I bolted up from my seat the same time my mom did, a frightened look on her face.
"I'll go look, mom. Stay here. Okay? I'll handle this." I gave her a quick hug and went upstairs in my sister's room.
"Eunnie?" I knocked once and opened the door only to see my sister throwing her clothes on the floor.
"Hey! What are you doing?" I rushed over and was about to stop her but she suddenly collapsed on her bed, crying hysterically.
"Jieun...what happened...?" I asked in horror and quickly walked over to my sister, hugging her tight and shushing her.
"Pack? Mom wants to pack? Does she think that everything will be solved just by doing that?" She complained bitterly, still sobbing.
"Pack?" I repeated, still not understanding.
"What's to be packed, Eunnie? Are we moving or something? How come I didn't know this?" I asked worriedly, frowning.
Jieun only sighed and I was about to press on for more details when I suddenly heard a crash from the kitchen.
"Mom?" I asked in alarm, standing up quickly and letting go of my sister.
How come everyone's in such a rotten mood today?
I was about to open the door and rush downstairs when I caught a hold of Rika wearing a sundress and entering the front door with a bright smile.
I was frozen in place at the sight.
"Good morning!" Gone was the tearful and sad Rika, she was once again happy and smiling, as if yesterday didn't happen at all.
As if she wasn't crying in my arms the whole night and apologizing.
"Rika--" My mom began wearily.
"Oh my gosh! Your hand, umma!" She gasped in horror and quickly went to the kitchen to retrieve the first aid kit that she knew we kept there for emergencies.
"What happened?" She asked worriedly.
"I saw the shattered pot...did you hurt yourself there, umma?" She asked in concern, dabbing at my mom's hand with an antiseptic and wrapping a bandage around it.
"Rika, why are you here again?" She asked, still looking tired.
"For Minnie, of course! I'm taking him out!" Rika smiled.
I blinked in question at this.
Again?
"Haven't you had enough?" My mom interrupted, frowning.
"Umma..." Rika pouted.
"Rika, please!" My mom shook her head.
"Minseok...Minseok is..." She looked away.
"He's not allowed...outside anymore."
"Why not?" Rika asked quietly.
"You know why." My mom replied curtly and stood up.
"Oh come on, umma! Don't be like this!" Rika whined, causing my mom to shut her eyes in utter defeat.
She always had a weakness for her.
But maybe this time was different?
"No..." Mom mumbled, shaking her head faintly.
"Umma, you have to stop restraining Minseok--"
"And you have to stop being like this!" My mom interrupted sharply and I winced as I watched the scene unfold.
"I'm not giving up!" Rika bravely said.
"Minseok deserves to be happy, he deserves--"
"He doesn't deserve this. You know he doesn't." Mom said softly, tears running down her cheeks.
I was in shock at this statement.
I don't deserve...what?
What? What's happening here?
My gaze focused on Rika, fear coursing through my body.
Does this have to do with her?
"Minseok is mine--"
"Not anymore. No. No. Not anymore." My mom narrowed her eyes.
I felt my heart exploding at that.
"Wait, what--" I found my voice at last and was about to go over to them when I heard loud coughing and vomiting noises from my sister's bathroom.
"Jieun?" I panicked and opened the door as she gazed up at me from the tiles of the bathroom, her eyelids drooping heavily, a bottle of pills rolling on the floor from her hand.
"JIEUN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!" I was so angry when I saw the label of the bottle.
Sleeping pills.
"Oppa?" She asked groggily, blinking madly.
"What is this?! Are you overdosing?!" I angrily shook her, trying to bring her back to more consciousness.
"I want to rest." My sister shoved my hand away and drowsily stood up, walked to her room and landed on her bed.
"Jieun! Jieun! Wake up! Don't sleep right now! That's dangerous! Wake up!!" I shook her but she only frowned in her sleep and groaned.
"Mmm...damn that empty bottle...I need pills..." She mumbled before finally falling into a deep sleep.
"Jieun..." I wanted to cry in worry for my sister's safety and condition.
"Please don't take him away from me!"
My attention was once again diverted, this time to the loud voice outside our house and I rushed over to the window, only to see Rika clinging to my mother's arms, a desperate look on her face.
"Rika!" Mom scolded her, a hard look on her face.
I've never seen my mom this mad at all, what was strange though was that her eyes were so sad.
There wasn't an ounce of anger in them.
I felt so cold inside as I watched them both, my feet unable to move as a realization hit me.
Something's not right here.
They're keeping something from me, aren't they?
"Please..." Rika was trembling from sobbing so much.
"Leave, Rika." Mom said coldly and Rika went down on her knees, crying uncontrollably.
"Please, please--"
"This is for your own good." My mom said softly when she saw Rika like that.
"It's not! YOU KNOW IT'S NOT!" Rika shouted and I felt my heart drop.
Rika...My Rika...
This is for her own good?
What...?
"I don't want to see you here again." Mom said simply and went inside, slamming the door loudly, it vibrated ominously throughout the whole house.
This woke me up out of my trance.
Dashing downstairs, I almost collided with my mom, her face streaked with tears.
"What was that, mom?" I asked, frustrated.
"Why did you do that?" I felt angry, I didn't wait for her response anymore and just went after the girl I love.
"Rika! Wait!" I shouted as I ran after her as she once again sped up on her bike.
But I didn't care. I kept on running.
I'm not going to give up this time.
Because it was only now when I watched everything from afar was I able to realize that I don't want to be in the dark anymore.
Mom turned Rika away.
Jieun's attitude.
Rika's begging.
Me, in the middle of it all, not knowing a word of what they were talking about.
I won't tolerate it any longer.
I needed answers. Now.
--
I knocked on Rika's front door nervously.
I've been knocking for minutes now, and still, there was no answer.
Her bike was there.
Her brother's skateboard was there.
Their family car was there.
So why wasn't anyone answering?
Getting impatient and worried, I once again decided to just climb up in her room window.
"Rika?" I murmured once I successfully opened her window up and slid myself inside.
"Rika?" I called out again.
There was no one in her room.
"Rika? Rika? Where are you?" I was really getting worried.
"Rika?"
Suddenly, Rika emerged from her bathroom, still wearing her sundress, except that her eyes were swollen from crying, and she looked so down. I noticed that she had her camera with her.
"Jagi..." My heart broke badly at the sight.
"Rika, Rika, I'm sorry. Mom didn't mean it, and even if she did, I will never--"
But Rika only bit her lip and threw her camera on her bed, looking frustrated and lost.
"What should I do? What? None of this is true! Oh, Minseok..." She said, trembling in tears again and breaking down on the floor.
"What happened? Did you do something?" I was so afraid as I bent down so that we were on the same level with each other.
"What? Tell me. I won't get mad, I promise." I murmured but she still didn't answer.
"Rika--"
"I don't know what to do anymore!" She suddenly screamed and stood up, knocking me off balance.
"Rika...?"
"They kept on telling me to stop, it's okay, let it go...It's not! It's not okay!" She shouted and threw her things on the floor.
I watched in shock at her actions.
"What?" I took her arms to stop her fit.
"I can't. I can't anymore..." She sobbed, sliding down on the floor.
"I can't do this. It's not okay. It's not." She repeated over and over again.
"Can you tell me what this is all about?" I asked helplessly.
"Please, Rika. I cannot comprehend the situation we're in right now." I continued to beg but she really wouldn't tell me anything. She only rested her head on her knees, sobbing softly.
"What is it? What did you and mom fight about?" I continued to ask.
"Rika?" I placed my arms around her but she only continued to sob at my questions.
I decided to try again after a few moments.
"Do you want me to sing to you?" She didn't say anything, but I sang anyway.
"Better now?" I smiled but she still wouldn't look at me.
"Okay, what if we go shopping? You like that right? I'll pay!" I volunteered, still she remained mum.
"Do you want me to just hold you the entire day?" I sighed, putting my arms around her and thinking that running out of suggestions to comfort her and not understanding what she's going through is difficult.
After her sobs finally ceased, I spoke up again, "Rika, you can't stay quiet forever. You need to tell me what's wrong. So we'll do it this way, just tell me if I'm right, okay?" I leaned my face near hers and looked her in the eye, the way I always did before when I would calm her down.
"One, you're upset because you and mom fought." I tilted my head to hers but once again, she only sobbed in response.
"Okay...it's not that? What about this, you're upset because...because..." I bit my lip.
"Because...you somehow know that we're moving?" I whispered.
I'm actually not sure about this but because of the conversation mom and Jieun had, I got the feeling that we were going away and Rika somehow knew about it.
"Is that it?" I asked again but she just sighed.
"Okay...I really have no idea." I sighed as well.
"So I'm just going to tickle you while asking!" I grinned, hoping to lighten up the mood again.
To be honest, I'm getting really sick of all the sadness that was engulfing her and my family's mood lately.
I just want everything to be okay again.
So I started to tickle her while continuing my barrage of possible reasons:
"Because our selcas were bad? Because I didn't finish enough of your steamed buns? Because I forgot to text you goodnight? Because I failed to tell you how pretty you look? Hm, because I missed a cute little anniversary that I didn't know we had? Like our first kiss anniversary or something?" I asked innocently, hoping she'll finally laugh.
Still, no reply, not even a smile.
"Oh come on, princess. It's not something really bad like you leaving me or something really, really horrible like that, right?" I joked, but what surprised me was the way she bit her now trembling lips, or how her eyes grew misty with tears again.
"Wait...You're not leaving me, are you?" I asked in horror.
No answer.
"Rika??" I made her face me since she refused to look into my eyes from the moment I barged in her room.
"Minseok..." She whimpered.
"My Xiu--"
"No. No. No! Are you leaving me, Rika? Are you serious?! You're breaking up with me?!" I admit that this thought has been haunting me for days, and this was the only explanation I could provide to my confused mind as to the why Rika was acting that way; maybe she found someone else. Maybe my mom caught them, and Jieun too, that's why we had to move.
Because they knew how much I love her, they knew how it would break me.
But it's not it, right? That couldn't possibly be it! It's not!
But...what if it is?
What if this is the part that I'm dreading so much?
"Rika...have you...found someone else?" I whispered, feeling so heartbroken.
"Have you?" I clasped my arms around hers so tightly but her eyes only widened and like my sister, she shoved her hands away, trembling.
"Minseok?" She murmured, tears once again streaming on her face.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry...So, so, sorry..." She murmured, crying, and shaking her head.
"Why?" Was the only word that managed to escape my lips.
Why would you do that?
Why would you leave me?
Why don't you love me anymore...?
She didn't reply, all she did was to quickly stand up on her feet as she rushed off out of her room, leaving me there on the floor, with all my questions hanging in the air.
The cold air from the open window hit me like a ton of bricks.
Maybe I was right.
Maybe she did have another.
Maybe she doesn't love me anymore.
This realization made me so dizzy, the way I felt this last few nights before going to sleep.
"Rika...Rika..." I called out, trying to stand up even though I felt so weak.
"Don't leave me...Please..."
I heard the slamming of their front gate, and my gaze went over her window.
Rika was once again speeding away on her bike.
To which destination?
To him?
I don't know, and I'm not sure I want to know.
I gazed at our pictures, my heart almost threatening to stop because of sadness.
How am I supposed to live now?
--
The next few days were so blurry to me. They flew by so fast and so slow at the same time.
Rika didn't visit me to go out during mornings anymore.
I didn't know if this was her way of telling me we were over.
It didn't help that mom and Jieun were fighting all the time about packing, something the both of them still won't talk to me about. I lost my appetite and I remained in my room almost the whole time. None of my friends were contacting me too, it felt like I wasn't even there.
I felt so alone.
It was after a week that I decided that I have to confront Rika.
I still love her so much.
So, so much that I needed to get her back.
--
"Rika? Rika?" I knocked on their front door repeatedly. I had texted her about twenty times, had called her even more than that, all to no avail.
I knocked again and continued to call out.
"Rika? Rika! Please, let's talk!"
I don't understand why no one was answering the door so I once again tried climbing up on her window.
It was only when I was on their garden and was about to hitch myself up did I figure out why she wasn't taking my calls.
Her phone was there, broken and smashed, on the huge stones near the grass.
It was obvious that she threw it out from her window.
My heart broke at this.
Did she not want to talk to me that bad?
--
I climbed up her window after a few minutes.
"Rika?" I called out softly.
There's no one there.
I checked everywhere, only to realize that the whole house was empty.
Frustrated, I sat down on her bed and thought about my predicament.
Rika. I her pillows.
Rika, why are you leaving me?
What did I do wrong?
Dizzy and sad at the thoughts, I stood up slowly, gazing at all the pictures we took together which were taped to her walls.
To the letters I had shyly given her before we started dating.
To the pillows, the stuffed toys I had repeatedly gifted her with.
To the camera that had witnessed a lot of our love together.
It was still on her bed, right where she threw it a week ago when I last came here.
I reached over and took it numbly, running my hands over it and closing my eyes, letting the tears flow.
This camera had captured our last moments as a couple.
And even then, she seemed to hate those moments, she didn't seem satisfied with the pictures we took.
Maybe it's me she wasn't satisfied with.
Still feeling so heartbroken and not myself, I gave the pictures of us she had posted on her wall a soft kiss and went home leaving the precious camera nestled safely on her pillows.
She might not like the memories anymore.
But that doesn't mean I'm going to let her lose them.
--
That morning, the sunlight that hit my face made me open my eyes unwillingly.
I blinked, once, twice, before remembering everything that happened once again.
Rika's going to leave me...
She's in love with another guy...
I placed my head on my hands, feeling dizzy and heavy.
What will happen to me once she utters those words?
Will I be able to say anything or am I just going to stand there like a fool?
Will I be able to get on my knees and convince her not to leave me?
Will I still be able to have her back?
No. I won't let that happen.
I needed to do something. Quick.
--
"Good morning!"
This time, I was the one in her room, the one who prepared everything. The food, the place where we're going for our date, and everything else.
I woke up earlier than normal, fixed myself the best I could and kept on practicing my smile on the mirror.
I had to smile.
Even though at the back of my mind, I knew she was leaving me.
I still had to smile.
Maybe...just maybe, it'll convince her that I'm not one who gives up easily, especially when it comes to her.
"Rika?" I sat on her bed and caressed her hair gently, trying to wake her up.
"Hmm?" She finally stretched, blinking once, twice, her eyes adjusting to the light.
I felt my smile slipping when I saw her eyes.
They were swollen.
It was obvious that she was crying the whole night again.
"Hi baby," I gave her my practiced smile and hoped so hard that she wouldn't turn me away.
She blinked, glancing at me briefly, then at her clock.
"Hey," I tried again, still holding on to my smile.
"I'm taking you out today! Get up already, okay?" I grinned and tickled her but she only shivered.
"Uh..."
"Still sleepy?" I laughed.
"Come on, get up, get up! I have a great date planned for us!"
She puffed her cheeks before turning her head upwards to stare at the ceiling.
"Good morning my Bao Zi..." She murmured, stretching again.
"Good morning, princess." I kissed her forehead, relieved that she wasn't turning me away.
"Go and wash up okay? I'll wait for you here."
She smiled slightly before closing her eyes briefly.
"I love you Minnie..." She murmured and I felt my heart jumping.
Does this mean you're not going to leave me anymore?
"I love you too..." I swallowed hard, wondering a little why she was being like this.
"It's going to be a great day today, right?" She turned towards me for a moment before she took the stuffed toy I gave her 2 years ago and kissing it gently.
"I'm gonna go fix myself now, for you, my bao zi~" She hummed a little and stood up to go to her bathroom.
I stared after her,
"That's right. It's going to be a great day..." I took a deep breath.
"I promise."
As I hear her sing while taking a bath, I found myself smiling and relaxing.
It's going to be okay.
She's not going to leave me, right?
"My Rika's staying...She's staying with me." I sang softly.
Leaning against her pillows , I felt something hard against my back. I turned to look and found the camera nestled there, right where I had kept them safely after she had thrown this precious thing so angrily on her bed from the past week.
I took a deep breath and took the camera, running my hands over it again before finally deciding to press the button.
Why did you hate the memories so much?
The camera powered on and the first picture it displayed was a solo selca of her in the hills.
I automatically brightened up at this.
It was our pictures from the hills!
Finally, I'm able to see them and I'll know why she was so upset that day!
I pressed the next button continuously, admiring her smile in most of the shots, and wondering briefly on her consecutive serious and sad looks on some of them.
I paused at a particular photo, thinking hard.
Same clothes...same hair...same accessories...
Everything that she was wearing here was an exact match to what she was wearing the day we went to the hills...
So why...
I swallowed hard as I continued to browse quickly, hitting next and back repeatedly, searching, almost desperately.
A familiar ugly sinking feeling settled on the back of my stomach as a sudden realization hit me.
How come?
How come I wasn't in any of the photos?
The feeling of dread seeped through me more, making me drop the camera on the bed.
Was this edited? What are these photos? Did she go to the hills alone and took photos of herself again--
Rika finally emerged from the bathroom and I turned to her, my mouth open, ready to ask, except that no words were coming out from my mouth.
"R-Ri...Ri..."
I shook my head hard, trying to stop my stuttering. Strangely though, she didn't take notice of my state at all.
No, her attention, I was puzzled to see, was on her camera.
Her expression finally registered to me as one of shock
"The camera!" Her tone was so unexplainable to my ears.
"I was looking through our pictures," I explained hoarsely.
"How...?" She looked so shocked.
"I didn't leave that on, right? Oh my gosh...what...Oh my--"
"No, you didn't leave it on. I turned it on, I was looking through the photos." I interrupted her but she continued to tremble, looking frightened.
"Why are you acting this way? Did you edit me out of the photos?" I swallowed hard.
Was it to prevent any other guy from seeing what we once shared? I wanted to ask so badly.
"How?! How?? It's not--I cannot..." She continued to fret as she snatched the camera from the bed with her trembling hands and accidentally dropping it on the floor with a loud crash on the process.
"The camera!" I panicked and tried to catch it but failed as it reached past my grip.
"Rika..." I looked at her, my eyes wide.
"What's the matter?"
She didn't answer, the broken camera displayed her face, the same desperate look she had on when she was continuously snapping at us that day from the hills.
"What was that, Rika?!" I was angry. Angry that she was erasing me from her life this way, that she didn't seem to love me anymore.
"Xiumin...Minseok...No...wait..." She gasped as she stumbled out of her door and walked quickly out of their front door.
"Rika! Where are you going?" I stormed after her except that she was running so fast, so desperately that she didn't even notice that she was running barefoot on the streets.
"Rika! Wait!" I sped up, suddenly feeling light headed as she continued to run, she turned her head to look back at me, I saw that tears were streaming down from her face.
You didn't want me to find out about it this way...did you?
"Rika please..." I was sobbing this time too, afraid that every step she took away from me felt so permanent, so damaging.
It felt as though she was going to leave me.
She continued to run, ignoring my shouts and I continued to chase her, her sobs sent my mind reeling.
What was she crying so hard for?
"Rika..." I panted, breathing heavily, as I watched her slow down and collapse on her feet, her sobs intensifying more.
I didn't even notice where we had stopped at that moment, all I know was that I collapsed next to her, feeling a sharp headache pierce through my head.
"Rika..." I gasped, trying to catch my breath.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." Rika continued to sob as she murmured her apologies repeatedly.
"I'm sorry that I can't let you go, Minseok. I'm so sorry...I know you're having such a hard time going because of me...I'm so sorry." She continued to cry.
"What are you saying?" I felt more confused than ever.
"I do not understand..."
"Maybe I should let you go..." She mumbled and I felt panic spur in my insides.
"No! No! Don't do that!" I reached out to hug her in an attempt to stop her but was aghast when my hands just went through her shoulders.
"Rika?" I swear I could hear my voice getting distant, as if the wind was carrying it away.
"Rika? Rika? RIKA??!" I tried to hug her over and over, tried to throw myself to her, but I kept on passing through her.
As if I wasn't there.
As if I was just the wind.
"Minseok?" She shivered, looking around.
"My bao zi..." A fresh round of sobs erupted into her.
"I feel you...I feel you right now, my love." She whispered, whimpering as she continued to look around.
"How can they expect me to let you go when I can feel you every single day? Whenever I go to your room, whenever I take you out, I even feel you in my room at night...I love you so, so much. Do they think it would just be so easy to move on? I always tell myself to let you go but...it just feels so impossible. Too painful..."
"What are you talking about?" I was frozen in place at what she was saying.
In response, she ran her hands over the huge rock she had collapsed in and that was the only moment I noticed it.
And seeing it, it brought everything back.
Car accident...no survivors...Sudden death...Three months ago...
Everything.
I began to understand everything.
It's like I finally found the missing puzzle piece to this mystery I was trying so hard to solve.
I could finally see so clearly.
Why she was always counting the distances between us.
She couldn't see me anymore...
Why people were always throwing her weird looks when we're out in public...
She was alone, talking to the wind as if it was me all this time...
Why she was always fighting for me.
"It's just that if I could make you happier, I would do so...I always would."
why my mom and my sister continuously fight and ignore me, why the headaches kept on coming on at night, why everyone else seemed to act as if I didn't exist.
When they were talking about packing, it wasn't because we were moving, they were referring to packing my things away.
Why she never returned any of my calls.
Why she finally threw out her phone, my calls must have set her off into so much confusion.
Why she was always breaking down and crying with reasons unknown to me.
I should've known I was behind all of them.
Why I always saw white when I would wake up, she was the only one who kept pulling me down back to her, the one who made me think everything was still the same all this time...
My mind flew back to the destroyed camera.
Now I know.
Now I know why she was so hysterical over it.
Now I know why I wasn't in any of the pictures, why she was so desperately snapping away, hoping to capture me beside her again...
It was only then that I realized as I started to sob as well, much to my utter regret and sadness as my eyes locked onto the huge rock in front of us...
That Rika and I had decided to collapse...
In front of my tombstone.
--
I woke up again the next day.
And once more, I saw white.
I looked down at my hands, my body, my feet.
They were all there.
But my surroundings were just white.
White. Just continuously white.
"Rika?" I called out.
"Mom? Dad? Ji-Eun?"
No response.
I ran and ran while calling their names, feeling so trapped with the whiteness that was all around.
Still, there was no response.
Exhausted, I slumped down on the ground and hugged my knees to my chest, feeling cold and lost.
I don't know if it's just me, but I hear someone calling my name repeatedly until it faded to nothingness.
The thing is, I can't find my voice anymore.
Rika, my Rika, I wish I was there with you right now.
--
A door flung open, slowly a figure walked towards it, holding a picnic basket and a camera slung around her neck.
"Good morning!" She called out loud, an excited smile on her face.
But no wide, adorable smiles greeted her back.
But she wasn't discouraged, he was there.
She just knew he was there.
"Minseok oppa?' She called out, trying to wake him up as she lounged by his bed eagerly, but surprisingly, there was no movement beneath the covers.
"Minnie oppa?" She tried again, in a louder voice this time.
Still no movements.
Hmm, what a steady sleeper. She thought.
"Oppa." she began, holding the camera up threateningly,
"If you don't wake up right this minute, I'll take an ugly picture of you and show it off to everyone!"
Still no response, but she swears she could almost hear him fussing in bed.
"That's it, sleepyhead! Say byebye to your reputation!" She giggled and snapped away on her camera.
Suddenly, she felt arms entwining her own, she felt them moving down to her waist where it stayed there as those hands--those arms that she loved so much, started to hug her tightly.
"Oppa?" She asked as she melted in his arms.
"Mmm, don't take pictures, love. I look horrible." She could hear him mumble as she felt him burrow his head on the space between her chin and her shoulders.
"You can never look horrible." She whispered, completely taken with him.
He laughed, oh, how precious that sound is to her ears.
If only there was a way to hear it forever...
"Is that so? Can I see my morning shot then?" He teased and she glanced down at her camera.
An empty bed was displayed on the screen.
"No. These pictures are for my eyes only!" She tried to giggle naturally in an attempt to push down the desperate feeling of wanting to take pictures of him continuously; and of course, to hide the picture or pictures, as she has always been taking them these days, hoping to capture him.
"Smile for me, Rika." She remembered him saying when he took his first picture with her.
She wanted those moments back. She wanted to take pictures with him. Right at this moment.
But still, she hesitates because she knew--she just knew what her newly captured pictures would be:
Yes, Rika. Pictures that would no longer contain him in it.
She shook her head, as if disagreeing with the traitorous thought.
No, no. He was there in the pictures. See? See how beautiful his smile is?
In her opinion, she was doing a good job of convincing herself.
"I wish I could be with you always. Is that okay?" He suddenly said, startling her from her thoughts.
She nodded, assessing his question.
Yes. Yes.
They could be together forever.
Isn't that how all this would end up anyway?
"Of course, love. That's okay." She murmured.
"We will be together for all eternity." She affirmed with a tight hug.
A hug that only the wind can feel.
She shook her head again, a little bit more vehemently this time.
No, no. He can feel her hugs. She was sure of it.
But still, she hugged him tighter, just to be sure.
"Oppa, hug me back." She whispered, needing assurance.
She felt him move closer to envelope her in his arms more, but this only made tears spring up in her eyes.
Because the hug--his hug, felt cold, instead of warm.
Cold.
Cold...
The way it would always feel from this moment on and every morning she would decide to wake him up.
"Better?" She could hear him ask.
No, it was not better. But she didn't need to let him feel confused.
She braved a smile.
"Yes. Better."
"My Rika..." He said her name in that way he always does when he just felt so full of his love for her.
She felt her tears flow, she couldn't stop them anymore.
But what could she do? She couldn't let him go.
So she decided to make a choice.
"Come on, love." She whispered, taking his hand and standing up, ignoring the painful fact that she was just talking to the wind; and will always be, from this moment on,
"I'll take you out on a date."
How was it? This is my first exo fic/shot ♥
[WUTBU]\\Xiumin shot. Hello, I added a little something to the ending! First one seemed unfinished to me. Read if you like! ;)
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