♦

The mental hospital’s bright, almost glaringly so as the nurses take Luhan away from Kris. It took him a few days and some painful nudges from Baekhyun and Kai to convince himself to go through with this.

He’s still unsure if it was the best idea because when he goes back to the apartment, it’s empty and everything has Luhan’s scent and sound lingering on it. The aching that increases with each heartbeat hurts. And he oddly feels like crying, but he doesn’t since Luhan had never shed tears after Sehun’s funeral.

Luhan’s not dead and with just that fact, Kris it up before indulging more in the hollow solitude and hesitantly calling an exorcist.

-

“He’s not here anymore.” Baekhyun whispers, patting the top of Luhan’s hand to capture his attention, his voice close to breaking similar to the cracks in Luhan’s once sunny smile. He glances towards Chanyeol helplessly who shrugs, unable to stop the tears welling in his eyes as he looks away. Swallowing a lump down in his throat, Baekhyun turns back to Luhan. “Hey…look at me.”

But Luhan keeps his gaze locked on the empty chair in the corner of his room, a dazed smile fluttering over his lips. Because in his mind, it’s not empty but occupied with the most wondrous being in the whole world. “You shouldn’t say things like that when he is here.”

Baekhyun runs a hand down his face, biting back words he’d regret saying along with tears that choked his throat. Everything was quickly turning into a daily routine he doesn’t want to live. He emphasizes each word this time, ignoring the tightening grip from Chanyeol’s hand on his shoulder. “He’s not here. He’s gone.”

The words are repeated endlessly until visiting hours are over and Baekhyun’s breath has run out. They take their leave with a promise to be back the next day which Luhan nods to, eyes vacant of anything more than a jilted happiness.

He’s not here. He’s gone. Baekhyun’s words echo in his mind, creating its own haunting melody that makes him curl up underneath the thin hospital blanket.

How many times does he have to hear that? It’s already embedded in him.

“It’s not true. It will never be true…” He mumbles into his pillow before glancing at the chair Sehun was in and noticing how desolate it looked now.

But no matter how many times he tries to deny, it is true. And Luhan knows the truth even if he has to lie to himself to cover up the tear tracks and etched sobs. The moment he lets go of the self-deceit will be the moment he breaks down permanently.

Maybe he’s a little tired of holding everything together. Maybe it’s exhausting to pretend he doesn’t know what Kris feels for him in order to take advantage of his kindness. Maybe – just maybe he’s ready to let go.

-

That night, Luhan dreamt of Sehun’s arms around him, enticing whispers at his ear, temptation laced in each shiver running down his spine.

-

Luhan comes back home weeks later with a smile on his face that Kris had missed more than he could properly express. They fall back into the rhythm of life and everything goes smoothly for a while. But only because plans are being finalized.

“Do you like the soup?” Luhan tilts his head to the side, carefully watching Kris eat and noting the way the corners of his mouth tilted up as if he’s only enjoying the meal because Luhan had made it.

“It’s good.” Kris eyes the untouched bowl in front of the other. “Not eating?”

“I’ll eat in a bit. Here.” An envelope slides across the white tablecloth and touches the side of Kris’ bowl. “Read this while I go do something right quick, okay?” A twinge of alarm makes Luhan’s voice spike as he stumbles onto his feet. His hands are trembling, but Kris is too caught up in opening the letter to pay any attention.

Luhan pecks Kris’ cheek as he hurries out of the kitchen to his bedroom and Kris stares at hasty scribbles full of apologies and goodbyes.

And like always, Kris is a beat too slow and the door’s locked before he can grab the doorknob. Bitter tears streak down his cheeks and he pounds on the door, making it rattle and shake under his fist. He gives everything into each knock, but Luhan ignores it because, in the end, he won’t be able to hear anything anymore.

-

Months pass and Kris still remembers the silk tie wrapped around the neck he had always wanted to litter with kisses and bites that leave bright marks. Unconsciously, his hand flattens out the creases in his. He rests his head against the cushion as his eyes, dry and devoid of tears, scan the clouds floating lazily by the plane.

When he lands, his eyes then search for familiar ones in the crowd to take him back to his old apartment in China where he’ll reside with Yixing and Tao. Passing memories of moving to Korea with Luhan flashes through his mind and he immediately dismisses them when he spots Tao.

But he keeps looking, trying to find someone who can only visit him in his dreams. A couple catches the corner of his eye and he swivels around to stare at them. And they stare back, one with a bright smile while the other smirks. And then Kris blinks and they’re gone.

He takes a few steps in that direction because he’s still searching and looking. Desperate and forlorn. Because Kris knows – he knows that he’s a disaster for falling in love with someone who wasn’t ever going to love him back; for allowing himself to fall so deep that he can’t love anybody else the same.

Kris falters and walks over to Tao. He’s not like Luhan though. He’s stronger and more willing to move on. Even if it is hard, even if his determination is wilted. When he looks for the one person who he loves the most and realizes he’ll never find him again,  never be able to touch or even talk to him, it’s the loneliest feeling in the world.

And he’s done being lonely.

Thank you for reading. ;w; ♥
/sobscauseIfail.