♦

Rain pours down from the starless sky, harsh as it stings his skin with each raindrop. His hair and clothes stick to him with an almost smothering grip, but he doesn’t notice. All of his attention is fixated on the tall male in front of him who pants and wheezes from his run, knees bent sharply with hands against them. Time crawls on by as they both freeze up in their positions, both too afraid to be the first one to move.

And then Sehun straightens up his posture, running a shaky hand through his wet hair with fingers shivering from the cold and maybe even something more – fingers Luhan wants to kiss to warm up and interlace his own with. But Luhan gulps down the temptation and stares at the way Sehun’s chest rises and falls in beat with the thumping against his own chest.

Luhan twists his shirt in his hands, water splashing onto the ground as it’s squeezed out of the fabric. Words stumble up his throat and tangle around on his tongue with an urge to burst out of his mouth. But he’s a second too fast and when he speaks – I miss you, you know. Where have you been? Why don’t you answer my calls? I’m annoying you, right? I should stop… – everything starts to fall apart as the sentences continue to tumble out with nothing coherent to his own ears. He can feel the piercing stare from Sehun’s lifeless eyes and his words fade out as he tilts his head up to meet the gaze with a wavering one.

After a suffocating moment, Sehun reaches out, his hand beckoning Luhan to walk forward, but his hand shakes so much, Luhan believes he hears the bone rattling underneath Sehun’s translucent skin that’s beautiful with and without the scars crisscrossing along it. Luhan wants to move but can’t; wants to blink but Sehun’s figure is already flickering. His eyes burn with unshed tears that will never fall.

And his heart beats with a longing that will never be satiated.

And then Luhan blinks and Sehun disappears, leaving behind only a memory of rain pitter-pattering along the ground and a sharp pain that resonates through Luhan’s core.

-

In the morning, Kris finds Luhan curled up on the balcony of the quaint apartment they share together. It’s not the first time Kris drags in limbs too weak to support themselves, and he’s sure it won’t be the last time either. Wet spots appear on his shirt as he carries Luhan into his bedroom, and he wonders if he’ll be nursing another cold.

With a weary sigh, Kris changes Luhan’s clothes into clean and dry ones before settling him into cushions that swallow him whole and blankets that cover up the faint trembling. Luhan’s half-conscious as he grabs onto Kris’ sleeve to keep him near. And so Kris stays, teetering on the edge of the bed, ready to bolt from the scene but just as ready to lie down next to shorter male. He controls himself though because Luhan’s lonely. They’re both lonely – especially in each other’s company.

Kris refuses to look at Luhan as he sleeps to keep the unwanted feelings at bay. Because in the back of his mind, he knows. Kris knows that Luhan will always be a mess even if he was the most famous person in the world, loved by every single person.

He knows Luhan needs Sehun to function. Without Sehun, Luhan’s nothing more than an empty shell that’s wasting each day as it comes. But Kris knows – he knows Sehun isn’t alive anymore, knows that Luhan is very aware of that.

-

“What do you think Sehun’s doing right now?”

It’s another rainy day, the kind that makes the idea of snuggling up to the fireplace with a novel that’s enticing a good idea. But the obscure clouds find both Luhan and Kris on their balcony, under the shelter of a large umbrella that’s the colors of a faded rainbow with Luhan asking questions Kris doesn’t know how or want to answer. How do you answer someone who knows the truth but continues to live as if he doesn’t?

So Kris doesn’t respond and Luhan replaces the question with another one that Kris finds impossible to answer as well. He remains quiet, leaning towards the warm body next to him, until Luhan runs of out questions and breaks down, silent, tearless sobs quaking through his body.

-

The day Luhan had found himself suddenly left alone in the world had been a particularly sunny day, the type where it seemed as if people would break out into song and prance around with animals they would usually stray away from. He had been all around the city from the florist to the jewelry store to Sehun’s apartment and then the hospital at the end of the day.

He remembers the incessant calls from Jongin – or Kai as the dancer likes to go by – that he had ignored, the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that hinted at something ominous, something deadly even.

Luhan could have saved him from the robber. If he had listened to that little voice in the back of his mind or answered Kai’s calls, Sehun would still be here and he wouldn’t be living like this, a shell with irreparable fissures cut down deep to his weakening soul.

“Stop thinking.” Kris’ deep voice slices through his thoughts as he touches Luhan’s wrist, a gentle tap – so gentle, it shocks Luhan out of his world and into reality. It reminds him of Sehun’s cool finger brushing up and down his arm when they would cuddle, and it takes all of his will, however crumbled and fading, to bite his lip and hold back the sob.

As Kris sits down, Luhan curls up into a ball of loose clothing and frail limbs. He doesn’t respond to what Kris said, but with him close by, it’s easier to not lose himself in his beckoning mind. But he couldn’t shoo away the guilt.

“There was so much blood.” Luhan speaks, voice tiny and lost over the wind buffeting snow against the windows. He peeks over a rumpled sleeve, his eyes searching for something that couldn’t be found in Kris’ expression. “So much.”

Luhan never fails to leave Kris grasping for something to respond with, not that he was much of a talker anyway, so he rests his hand over Luhan’s eyes and murmurs sweet nothings in hopes he chases the haunting memory away.

The gesture draws out a whimper and Luhan’s suddenly clutching at Kris’ arm and then his shirt, anything he could wraps his fingers around. “He must have been hurting a lot, right? The bullet went through his heart…and all…”

“Yeah, but now he’s not hurting anymore.” Something flickers in Luhan’s countenance as he clumsily crawls onto Kris’ lap and then he shakes his head, slowly at first and then faster until he winces, his lower lip quivering with more than sadness.

“No. He’s still hurting.” Luhan stares into Kris’ eyes. “Because I’m still hurting.”

At times like these, Kris wishes he could shake sense into the other that Sehun’s dead, gone; to make him open his eyes to new a life without Sehun and maybe even possibly a life with him, instead. How many times has he held Luhan like this, unable to do anything that would damage the fragility in his arms? How long is Luhan going to keep dismissing his feelings and keep being selfish, only concentrating on the pain?

But then Luhan places his head on Kris’ shoulder and eventually the conversation dies out because Luhan’s too exhausted from wallowing in guilt and Kris never knows what to say so it wasn’t really a conversation to begin with.

-

That night, after a brief struggle to decide whether or not to stay on the couch with Luhan as his blanket or reside into a lonely full sized bed before choosing the latter, Kris wakes up with stiff sheets tangled up in his legs. His heart thumps a beat too slow as he turns his head, eyes focusing on a faint figure in the corner of his room.

“S-Sehun?” He scrambles out of his covers, his feet stepping onto the rough carpet as he freezes on spot and rubs the sleep out of his eyes. Sehun’s appearance resembles his usual one where his hair is disheveled as if Luhan had just combed his fingers through them and his school uniform is wrinkled from never being ironed.

Kris detects a glimmer of a smirk that disappears when he blinks. Sehun’s mouth hangs opened, words floating out though his lips are motionless. “I’m taking Luhan, just so you know. He’s mine.” But Kris doesn’t need to hear those words to know that Luhan’s heart will always be Sehun’s for the taking.

The silence that invades the space after stifles Kris’ throat and as much as he wants to brush off Sehun, he can’t. His body won’t budge and all he can hear now is his own ragged breathing. Blood starts to seep onto the ground from the wounds on Sehun’s chests that weren’t there before and it creeps towards his feet.

Panic rushes through his body and he squeezes his eyes shut, willing everything to go away. And when he opens his eyes, he’s back in bed, a light sheen of sweat coating his body. He believes everything that had just happened was a nightmare playing off of his feelings and nothing more, but he turns onto his side and Sehun’s in bed with him.

His wound exposes the shattered bones and organs, entrancing Kris more than it should have until he looks up into Sehun’s lifeless eyes and his mouth that’s stuck in a permanent ‘o.’

Luhan’s scream resonates through the room and Sehun vanishes, breaking Kris from his trance so he can run to the room across the hall where he’ll hold Luhan close to his chest, too afraid that he’ll lose him completely. But lately, he’s been feeling more and more hopeless.

-

• split into two parts cause of how long it is. ;w;