Hoya’s hands trickle with sweat as he paces back and forth in his room in sheer panic. There was a whole list of sentences and conversations he was planning in his mind since the very, very beginning and yet now that it was the time to say it, his mind completely goes blank on him. All the worst possibilities that could happen after this day, shreds his brain to pieces and it makes the knots in his stomach tie tighter and tighter by every thought.

What if it doesn’t work out? What will he do then? The urge to scream his guts out in worry lures him, but it’d be pointless and ridiculous. His fingernails clench against his palms and the stinging sensation makes his nerves calm down.

"Okay Hoya. We’ve been through this over a hundred times now. Just say what you need to say." A deep sigh exhales out of him, but more anxiety comes right inside.

He mustn’t forget that he’s not alone in this. After all, he has six friends—no, brothers—to rely on once this whole mess ends.

The seven of them had plan this a long way back, realizing that Hoya’s parents had always asked him for a list of presents he’d want for Christmas, and this year, there’s only one gift he’ll ever need. All Hoya wants is his parent’s consent—his parent’s permission in following his dreams to be an entertainer.

Dancing on thousands of stages, singing amongst crowds of fans, the exhilaration of the adrenaline rushing through his veins. It compels him to sprint away from this miserable town this very instant and chase his ambition. The anxiousness inside him makes him imagine himself falling down in a never ending well of desperation.

For some reason, his room suddenly feels like a refrigerator and he shivers in discomfort. His teeth chatter in fear and he gulps in apprehension. Finally, the signal he was waiting for bellows down as he listens to his mother calling him downstairs for dinner. Supper had always been the family time to talk about anything they needed, from the tiniest to the biggest topics. He groans a sound of nervousness and immediately finds it hard to swallow.

Both of his parents sit beside one another at the dinner table and Hoya bites his tongue in intimidation. He watches his mother sip her cup of coffee and as always, his father reading the daily newspaper. The television’s off for once, and it makes the atmosphere all the more tense. He slowly sits across from them and looks down at his empty bowl. There’s no way he can eat right now.

His eyes divert back to the two in front of him and he opens his mouth. It’s now or never. "Dad, Mom." His parents shoot their heads up in ignorance of the stakes being raised and simply look at their son in unaware curiosity. It doesn’t seem like they’re going to say anything and so Hoya continues on. "I know what I want for my Christmas present."

"Oh, did you make the list already—"

"No!" Hoya widens his eyes at his interruption and fakes a cough. He lowers his voice. By now, his father stares at him in penetration and it drills Hoya into cowering. Can he afford to back down now though? Of course not. "Sorry, I mean, I don’t need to make a list because I already know what I want for sure."

His mother breathes a little laugh. "Dear, you know it can’t be anything expensive. With the way you’re saying it, it sounds like your gift is going to make our wallets empty." The comment’s supposed to come out as a joke, but Hoya shares no laughter and it makes his parents wonder what on earth is going wrong with their son.

"Actually, it won’t even cost you a penny." Here it goes. "The only gift I want is to be an idol." The first thing he does is alert for his father’s reaction, and it makes him worried when his dad only blinks it away. Is this a joke to them? His mother goes along with the oblivion and also pretends that what he had just said never happened. This makes Hoya furious and he can taste the blood from biting his tongue so damn hard. He repeats it again. "I want to be an entertainer."

The next thing jolts everybody as his father slams the table for silence. "I don’t want to hear another word about that crap." The parent’s eyes spear against his chest and it makes him smirk in bitterness. It’s been so long since he’s spoken up for himself. It’s been so long.

"No. It’s not crap. It’s my life—my dream." Never does he leave his eyes from his father. "I’m not going to give you that about—"

"Watch your language!" His mother’s words hiss against his ears. She had always followed whatever father had said. Never had he felt more disappointment against her.

"I told you how I felt! You even agreed that I should talk about this to dad! So don’t tell me what I can or can’t do." His tone stings with anger, and the resemblance of his father makes her gasp in shock and embarrassment at being defeated by her son. Hoya diverts his head back to the dominant parent and grits his teeth.

They had been against his wishes since the very start. It was always do this, do that. Never once could he do what he wanted. This was going to be the last Christmas he’ll ever have to regret.

"Don’t talk to your mother that way. Now you listen and you listen clear. I don’t want that stupid entertainer thinking in your thick skull ever again, do you hear me? It’s getting annoying and there’s only so much I can take before I get angry." The power in his father’s voice is clear, but it doesn’t scare him. The fact that he’s still standing up for himself makes him more proud than he had ever in a billions years thought he would’ve ever felt for himself.

"You’ve always been angry toward me. I could never live up to my older brother’s life and you know what? There’s a reason for that. It’s because I’m not him, all right? I’m me." Before he can say more, it’s obvious that his father’s about to explode and he exhales a breath more settling himself down.

A chuckle escapes his father’s mouth and it makes everyone hold their breaths in alarm. "You think you can just do whatever you want?" The voice is loud and mocking. It’s Hoya’s greatest fear. "We raised you! Don’t you dare disobey me! No one in the Lee family will even consider being a ing entertainer! Those people belong in the circus! What a joke."

Hoya knew that this was going to happen. How could people so obsessed with perfection possibly understand his dreams? However his father had taken this too far, and it makes him yell in animosity. "It’s not a joke! You can’t stop me. This is my life, damn it. This is my hopes we’re talking about here dad!" He stops short in sourness and hates how discouraged he’s gotten. Tears well up in his eyes, and for once in his life, he lets them fall. "Please." The silence amongst them is overwhelming. "Please, just understand."

The begging tinge of despair poisons the air, and it makes his parents’ swell with pain. It’s not like every parent wants his or her child to want to be someone so hard to become. They were teenagers before; they get where all this is coming from. What if Hoya gets rejected? What if there are no open doors for him? How could they possibly prepare for that sort of heartbreak? "There’s really nothing you want?"

Hoya stares at the ground and doesn’t hesitate before saying, "The only gift."

It’s as if time stopped when the sentence he had thought would never let his ears hear, reveals itself. "Fine." Hoya shoots his head up in surprise. His father glances at his mother before continuing. "But I don’t want you coming back here. From now on, there are no relations between us, and I don’t want to see you running back to us if you don’t get what you want—"

Hoya’s voice comes out as a whisper, but it’s enough for his parents to hear. "I promise." He rushes upstairs but stops along the way and looks back at his parents.

　

 

"Merry Christmas."