4. Just A Feeling - Maroon 5

I watched you cry, bathed in sunlight, by the bathroom door

You said you wish you did not love me anymore

This is the fourth time this month Jongin walks into their once shared apartment in the morning to find her asleep on the floor, arms loosely hugging her knees to her chest, head lulling between the cold wall and her own shoulder, traces of tears on her cheeks slightly apparent due to the sunlight seeping in. He is silent as he lifts her ever so gently; her frail and barely skin-and-bones body felt featherlight on his arms. He puts her down on the bed and covers her with the blanket, then praying his gratitude to God for he hasn’t found anything around her this morning—not the needles, not the pills, not the blood dripping slowly from her wrist. Jongin once hadn’t believed in God, but things pushed him to go another way.

He stays for a while, sitting beside her and absently playing with her long, beautiful hair. He remembers how she used to style it, to tie it in a ponytail, to make it a loose bun, even to braid it sometimes, because she said that she loved her hair and how it made her look so similar with her older sister. He knows that nowadays she barely brushes her hair, leaving it just as it is around her shoulders, but it still feels soft entangled around Jongin’s fingers; however, Jongin can see it’s slightly thinning and it lost its shine. A droplet of water trickles down his cheek.

He kisses her forehead and heads to the kitchen to prepare breakfast—he’s no great cook, but his friend from college, Kyungsoo, once told him a thing or two about how to survive living alone without too much ramen.

He then accidentally cuts his finger, hissing as blood quickly pool on his fingertip. He the finger and tiredly leans to the refrigerator, finger still stinging, and curses himself mentally.

Soojung is broken now; she has been since the day she came home yelling at Jongin for all the odd reasons, and Jongin deeply regretted, no, regrets how he resolved by yelling back at her when he should have known she was breaking. He hates himself now for not trying to fix her as soon as possible, for not preventing her from hurting, for not doing the same thing to her as she did him. Her dream has broken her, just like his dream broke him.

But she fixed him, while he hasn’t been able to fix her.

What do you think you’re doing? Do you think that falling doesn’t hurt?

What’s a little more pain? What are you doing here, Soojung?

“Jongin…”

Jongin turns off the stove, spins around and warily smiles. Soojung stands in the kitchen alleyway, all disheveled hair and pale features, weak bones in her arms supporting her weight on the wall as she almost stumbles to the side. Jongin dashes for her, moving her own weight to his arms just in time as she literally falls down, knees buckling helplessly. Soojung tries to stand back and refuse his support, but she can’t, so he lifts her gingerly and sits her on the couch. Soojung’s eyes are dangerously heavy-lidded as she moves on the couch.

“Jongin, you don’t have to come here again,” Soojung says, voice dropping consequently to a whisper with each word. Jongin merely smiles and shakes his head, hand wavering around Soojung’s face to tuck her hair behind her ear. Who’s gonna take care of you if I don’t come here again, Soojung?

“Jongin,” Soojung weakly whispers again, eyes looking glassy “we already broke up. You don’t have to take care of me again—“

“Soojung, why was your phone off? I couldn’t reach you,” Jongin says, syllables filled with tension. Soojung blinks, and a drop of tear falls.

“Jongin.”

“How long haven’t you go out of this place?”

“I’m sorry—“

“You have to eat, you must be hungry, right?”

“—I love you—“

“I made kimchi spaghetti. Heh, remember Kyungsoo? He told me how to make it. Not so suitable for breakfast, but I guess—“

“—but you—shouldn’t—“

“—you’ll probably need more than just breakfast. Am I right?”

“Jongin, why are you still coming?” Soojung sobs. “I don’t deserve your kimchi spaghetti, idiot.”

What’s left in the world for me anyway? You know nothing.

I don’t know much, but I do know that there’s so much out there in the world. Not just for you, it’s also for me, for everyone. Don’t be so selfish, will you?

Please stop crying.

I’m nothing. I’m just a tiny speck of dust in this world. Nobody would recognize my absence anyways. Now can you please go because this is getting stupid—

Just for your information, I noticed your absence in our classes since two weeks ago and Professor Kim definitely didn’t miss it either, so there, two specks of dust recognized your absence. And glad to know that you know this is stupid.

“Jongin,” Soojung sniffles, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Open up, kimchi spaghetti coming through,” Jongin whispers instead, hand lifting the fork and moving towards Soojung’s lips. Soojung’s still shivering and silently crying, but she obliges and eats the food Jongin feeds her. Jongin almost chuckles at this, the old Soojung would crinkle her nose and said that this was a bad and cheesy scene of a sappy movie. He helps Soojung finishes all the food and then leans over Soojung to cup her face in his hands. Slowly, with his long thumbs, he wipes the tears from Soojung’s cheeks. Soojung’s cold, thin hands grab his.

“Forgive me.”

“Done already,” Jongin says easily, hands moving from Soojung’s face to her waist and pulling her close to him. She leans her head on his shoulder and drapes her arm around him.

“If I ask for a chance would you give me?” Soojung whispers. Jongin kisses her forehead.

“I think I need it more,” he whispers.

a/n: ....what even why i always fail at writing. this took so much longer than expected, sorry!!! but it's just that...i kept on writing over and over, the previous ideas were all holey in odd places and i can't really fill those holes so..change in ideas again and again, and now here it is. usually i read the lyrics to the songs and then try to decipher the meanings and make up situations behind the lyrics for the fic ideas/main plot.

and college life and internet were all acting up this past week. /sobs/

thanks to readers&subscribers <3