5. 미치게 보고싶은 사람 - 김 태연

(Missing You Like Crazy - Kim Taeyeon)

내게 말 해줘요 날 간직 한다고

하얗게 지우면 안돼요

내 전부이니까

Please tell me that you cherish me

Please don’t blankly erase me

Because you’re my everything

Three and a half years.

Baekhyun slowly side-steps from the hoard of people commuting around the International Arrival terminal in Incheon, his thin frame barely manages to drag his huge luggage with him to the empty waiting seats outside. He looks around one more time, one hand holding the strap of his backpack, another resting on the luggage, insuring the thing’s still there. No signs of his friend Chanyeol yet. He sits and gets his phone, turning it on to make several changes; even though it has adjusted automatically (smartphones these days) he still has to make sure about some things.

Three and a half years.

Since Baekhyun left Seoul, his hometown, the place where he had grown up, the place where he had experienced all the jolly of youth and freedom. New York was different, very different from the familiarity of Seoul and boy, had it been a struggle for Baekhyun to adapt. His preparation days had been a living hell—Wufan was definitely not the most patient English tutor, although he’s actually pretty nice and patient in his daily life, and the New York part was, despite quite nice and yes he’s now a PhD plus he now has three formal internship records for his CV, terribly empty. He could’ve done it with accompanies, but his parents and sister only visited once, and Taeyeon was too busy with finishing his master degree in Seoul plus all her works—the singing, the internships, the piano teaching—to visit him. She had apologized over their daily video calls and he gave in, of course he did, plus he always silently praised the two of them for being able to keep going on and strong in that matter, despite the tormenting distance.

Then a month ago things spiraled out of the way; just like that, Taeyeon disappeared from his life. It’s odd, he thought she was angry at him or something, and he even feared that maybe she found someone else; after all, he had been away for so long. He suddenly lost all contact with her and no one, not Chanyeol, not Zitao, not Wufan, not his sister, not anyone could (would?) tell him about Taeyeon. He had—has a strange feeling that they’re always avoiding the matter and it drives him crazy even more. He’s been awful during the last month and even at the graduation day, the thought about something happening to her always purring at the bottom of his stomach and he felt sick all the time.

He’s mulling the idea over and over in his head, and he prays countless times while waiting for Chanyeol that nothing had happened, but as scared as he is, he tries to prepare himself for the worst. His heart drops and threatens to shatter as the thought of Taeyeon going off with someone else ghosts his mind.

An obnoxiously tall and lanky guy suddenly waves in his direction, and Baekhyun has to squint before realizing it’s Chanyeol, with his all-too-wide smile and wide eyes present, as per usual, but minus the bright nearly-orange-brown mop of curls that was usually resting on top of his head. Chanyeol’s hair is dark brown, and it’s no longer curled like how Baekhyun remembered—even though he had just dyed and started getting the perm on the first year of college, and Baekhyun had known him for far earlier than that, the bright curls were very much a distinctive identity of Chanyeol that’s etched on Baekhyun’s head.

“You really got rid of the perm!” Baekhyun laughs after he hugs (more like drowns in Chanyeol’s tight bear hug) his friend. He tiptoes slightly and reaches out to ruffle the slightly younger man’s now calm and neutral dark brown hair.

“The girlfriend likes it, so, yeah,” Chanyeol laughs easily, “and it’s getting boring to be called poodle anyway.”

“Things changed so much while I was away, huh?”

If Baekhyun isn’t paying attention, he would miss the flash of guilt in Chanyeol’s expression.

“Ah, no, not really, what could’ve my hairstyle change done to you anyways,” Chanyeol grins at him. Baekhyun half-heartedly returns it. “Anyways, I’m going to kidnap you for an hour or two! Before you catch up with the others, you have to catch up with the almighty Park Chanyeol first.”

“Well, do go on, kidnap me.”

+

For the two hours, Chanyeol does most of the talking while Baekhyun listens, occasionally adding comments here and there. Chanyeol rambles on and on about anything and everything, and the stories he tells Baekhyun—most of them are happy and nice ones and also funny, because Chanyeol is really good at being happy-go-lucky and funny, Baekhyun thinks—are way longer than Baekhyun’s stories about his awesome-but-mediocre stay in NY. Baekhyun, even though he knows some of the stories already from the video calls and online chats with his friends, learns about stuffs, like how Zitao now is dating Soojung, one of their junior in college (which comes out as quite a surprise), how Chanyeol’s girlfriend said that Chanyeol now kinda looks like that guy in one of SNSD’s Japanese music videos, and other things Baekhyun had missed.

Though, he doesn’t miss how Chanyeol forgets to mention a name.

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun says after Chanyeol finishes his meal, “Taeyeon stops contacting me a month ago.”

Chanyeol’s reaction was a bit bewildering for Baekhyun, for he splutters and chokes on his soda, before looking away from Baekhyun ever so slightly and no longer keeping eye contact.

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun starts again, with more tension to his voice. He feels fear brewing and panic bubbling inside his stomach.

“Chanyeol, did something happen?” Baekhyun asks, a hint of plead and demand now apparent in his voice, “Chanyeol, please.”

“Baekhyun—I,” Chanyeol is nervous, Baekhyun can tell from the way his eyes shift from side to side and how he fumbles with his own fingers. Baekhyun’s heart is thrumming. “I don’t think—I, I… don’t know. I’m not in the position to tell you this.”

“ing hell, Chanyeol, you’re my best friend—closest one. You’re in position to do anything. Just. I need to know—I have the right to, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun snaps, and Chanyeol only looks even guiltier.

“Taeyeon,” he finally says after a long pause, “is, how do I put this,” Chanyeol says confusedly, eyes darting to anywhere but Baekhyun’s. He ruffles his hair in frustration, and Baekhyun has to ball his fist to keep his frustration inside.

“She’s… alright. I mean, she’s, um, healthy—but uh, maybe not, but physically she’s okay, healthy and running, but she’s—ah, how do I say this, she’s not healthy a month ago, she—” Chanyeol rambles, words running after another in a flurry that it doesn’t ease Baekhyun’s fear away.

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun cuts in to stop Chanyeol from rambling.

“Okay,” Chanyeol exhales noisily, straightening himself up and pulling the chair closer to the table. He runs a hand down his face. “Just try not to explode, panic, freak out, cry, or whatever, please. This isn’t the best news you’ll ever receive.”

“I figured,” Baekhyun says stiffly, “as for not doing any of those, I can’t promise you anything, but I’ll try my best.”

“Taeyeon… she was involved in a car accident.”

Baekhyun’s entire body goes numb, followed by the stiffness on his neck spreading all around. He’s surprised with himself when his mouth actually moves and he makes a sound, “How bad?”

Chanyeol looks at him warily, and sighs, most probably out of relief for Baekhyun didn’t flip the whole table. He continues, with lesser uncertainty than before, but still the same carefulness. “She’s good now, healthy. Physically,” Chanyeol adds, still eyeing his best friend. Baekhyun doesn’t respond, but stares back at him in a rather blank way, and Chanyeol decides to continue.

“She lost her memory, Baek,” he says softly.

Baekhyun’s already numb body feels cold.

+

Baekhyun sits still on the passenger’s seat of Chanyeol’s car, hands folded neatly on his lap, eyes straight to the road. He notices from his peripheral vision that Chanyeol glances in his direction once every three minutes or so, and Baekhyun knows his friend too well that he can predict the expression written all over Chanyeol’s face, even Chanyeol’s words that he must’ve so hardly resists to say—Baek, this is not a good idea.

“Are you sure you don’t want to visit your parents first, your sister—“

“Yes.”

Chanyeol falls silent, and he doesn’t glance at Baekhyun again during the rest of the trip to Taeyeon’s house. Baekhyun really appreciates his friend; after all, they really do know what each other needs. Now, Baekhyun needs silence. To think.

“She doesn’t remember pursuing her degree now, all she remembers is that she barely graduates from her high school, and that she wants to be a teacher, she loves singing and playing the piano, and that her best friend is Lee Soonkyu, not Tiffany Hwang,” Chanyeol explained. “To say that Tiffany’s sad is a terrible understatement. She’s wretched.”

Baekhyun gulped. “But I met her on the summer of our freshman year, Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol looked at him with sad eyes. “That’s the point.”

Too preoccupied with his thought, Baekhyun doesn’t realize that they’re there for more than three minutes, since Chanyeol doesn’t tell him either. When Baekhyun snaps out of his reverie, he immediately recognizes the quaint home he used to frequent, all the roses and vines still the same. He looks at the door with longing, and uncertainty starts to tug the strings of his heart.

Chanyeol probably can read minds if he doesn’t know Baekhyun too well, but he says, “Are you sure you’re doing this?” instead.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun replies.

Chanyeol takes a deep breath, “Baekhyun,” he calls, making Baekhyun turn around to face him.

“Take it easy,” Chanyeol says and he smiles sadly, “she’s terribly confused. There’s so much to catch up to, and I believe that she also feels bad for not remembering everyone. Don’t make it too hard on her.”

Baekhyun nods slowly. “Okay.”

“And be strong,” Chanyeol adds.

+

“Baekhyun? You’re back?”

“Just a couple hours ago,” Baekhyun answers Tiffany grimly after they shared a short hug. “Where’s—“

“Her room, studying. Can’t get her out since, like, four hours ago,” Tiffany laughs, her voice suddenly sounding slightly hoarse. Baekhyun notices that her eyes and the tip of her nose are red, and suddenly he wonders why he hasn’t cried.

Taeyeon’s house is still the same. Her mother—Baekhyun has already greeted her before going upstairs only to meet Tiffany—barely changes. Her smile wrinkles are there and the warmth Baekhyun thought she always radiated are still there, too. Only the glint in her eyes is missing. He can’t find her brother anywhere, but her father came out to greet him, and he still gives Baekhyun that slightly-too-hard encouraging tap on the shoulder. Everything’s quite the same, but Baekhyun doesn’t feel as welcomed as before.

“Studying?”

“Not that kind of studying. Most probably studying our photos, there are tons of them, you see, to understand how close we were,” Tiffany smiles, but her eyes are getting glassy, “in her computer, her phone. Good thing we were so vain back then,” she laughs again, but it sounds more like a sob. Baekhyun steps forward and puts his hand on Tiffany’s shoulder, gently squeezing it.

“I’m sorry,” he says, fully aware that he must’ve sounds slightly confused. Tiffany looks up to him and gives him a sad look—could’ve meant anything; sorry to you too, this should be as hard for you. Tiffany holds his hand for a while, sadly smiling at him.

“I gotta go,” she sniffles, “good…luck. And don’t be too hard on her, please,” she says, almost begging. Baekhyun nods.

Once Tiffany is gone, Baekhyun goes forward only to stop in front of her room. The door’s unlocked, but his hand barely hovers above the handle, unsure what to do next. He lifts his hand slowly and knocks it thrice.

“I’m not done yet, I’ll eat dinner, don’t worry,” says a croaked voice, and Baekhyun promptly freezes. Not hearing that voice without the signal errors of an international call for years has greater affect at him than he ever known.

“Can… I come in?” Baekhyun asks without opening the door, and it is silent for a while. He steps even closer to the door and hears the rustle of sheets, the mumbles he can’t catch, and then approaching steps. He steps back again right before the door opens, revealing Taeyeon in her shorts and sweater, hair slightly longer than her shoulders, a white bandage covering the right part of her forehead. She confusedly stares at him and Baekhyun has to bury the overwhelming stream of emotions currently exploding inside him. He forces a smile and extends his hand.

“My name is Baekhyun. Byun Baekhyun,” he says, and she stares at his hand for a split second before hesitantly shaking it. Baekhyun feels a burn from the touch.

“I’m… Kim Taeyeon, I guess,” she says softly, and Baekhyun curses his late responses because now, he wants nothing but to cry and release his pent up frustration. “I’m sorry,” she says again, opening her door wider, “you can come in?”

Baekhyun is surprised with himself because he can directly relate why her sentence sounds more like a question than a statement. She’s probably wondering whether he’s a person—a guy close enough, special enough to ever enter her room, hence, the confusion.

“I’m sorry,” Taeyeon suddenly speaks after a pause, eyes hesitant and unsure, “are you someone I’m supposed to know?”

Baekhyun sort of expects her to ask something like that, but hearing it from herself is like taking a punch to the gut. He’s taking longer to answer it, instead slowly walking to her windowpane first, and her following suit. He rests his weight to the pane and softly smiles at her. “Yes. Though, I have no problem trying to know you again.”

“Well, I might have a trouble with that,” she scowls, but she smiles afterwards. “Are you a friend from high school? Or from college, like Tiffany?”

Baekhyun inhales deeply. This is harder than it looks. He’s been ignoring the burn in his insides from a little while ago, focusing on trying to not scare Taeyeon off. “College.”

“Then I probably won’t have any luck remembering you,” she says, exasperation apparent in her voice that Baekhyun can almost hear his heart breaks. “I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he says gently. Baekhyun fists his hand inside his pocket before continuing. “Am I interrupting anything?”

“Uh, sort of? I’m looking at mine and Tiffany’s pictures.”

Baekhyun nods, not knowing what to say. He bites his lower lip, almost too hard that he thinks it’s probably bleeding.

“Maybe you can help me?” Taeyeon suddenly asks, and Baekhyun perks up. He straightens himself and sits with her on the floor, where polaroids of Taeyeon and Tiffany are sprawled upon. Her laptop is showing a folder full of her and Tiffany’s pictures, and Baekhyun softly smiles at the sight—she’s trying real hard.

“You were really, really close with Tiffany, you know,” he tells her, taking out a polaroid of Taeyeon and Tiffany, wool scarves almost covering their whole lips. Baekhyun knows it’s a shot they took at the winter in their third year in college, and Baekhyun was supposedly there with them and the others.

“I was, right?” Taeyeon mumbles. “I feel so bad that I can’t remember her, and that—I…”

“It’s not your fault,” Baekhyun says, taking Taeyeon’s hand by instinct. She looks up at him in surprise, and Baekhyun immediately lets go, even though he feels like he’s being eaten from inside. He smiles at her and takes another photo. “Take it slow, Tiffany will understand. You don’t have to immediately re-remember everything, you should… I don’t know, let your body recover.”

“But it’s really unfair,” Taeyeon whispers, “it’s so unfair that I can’t remember the people I should love.”

Baekhyun thinks it’s unfair for him too, but he doesn’t say it.

+

It doesn’t come out as a surprise at all when for the next months, Baekhyun is the only person that can beat Tiffany in coming to Taeyeon’s house, or basically trying to spend as much time as possible with Taeyeon. Everyone is flabbergasted by the fact that he stays calm and that he hasn’t lost it, hasn’t exploded or anything of such; though, he does looks even worse day by day—skipped meals sleepless nights. Chanyeol is worried sick by how he hasn’t gone insane.

“In this circumstance, normally, people would break down, Baekhyun. Don’t pent it up, it’s not good for you—you might get stressed and stuffs.”

“There’s nothing wrong, Chanyeol. I won’t break down or anything. All that I want to do is to make her remember.”

“Are you kidding me? ‘There’s nothing wrong’? Baekhyun!”

It’s becoming a routine for Baekhyun to get up at seven, getting ready and then going to Taeyeon’s house. Sometimes before he departs, his sister gets a chance to drag him to the dining table for breakfast, and in other times, he neglects breakfast.

Taeyeon’s got a steel will to remember and to catch up with the missing pieces of her memory. She so far has gotten hold of Tiffany, and Tiffany or Baekhyun would tell her stories about the things they used to share as best friends in college. She’s slowly remembering the other kids too, like Chanyeol, Sooyoung, Kris, Minseok, Yoona and Luhan. Her determination also brings her to go back to the music school to teach piano and singing. Baekhyun accompanies her nearly everywhere, spending a big chunk of his time wandering around places they used to frequent in college, even going inside the campus again. Taeyeon’s eyes are always widely opened every time Baekhyun or Tiffany takes her to the campus, taking in everything that she used to know.

 “Wow, I mean—wow. I can’t believe that I actually get—got in here,” she says, awe clear in her voice, and Baekhyun chuckles. He then watches her awed expression changes into a frown.

“What is it?” He asks, and she smiles sadly at him.

“If only there is a time machine,” she sighs, “I seem to miss all the fun.”

Taeyeon learns fast, and she gets along fast with everyone she used to get along with, as it should be. She learns through stories, photos, times spent together, and memories; however, Baekhyun tells her not to try to learn about them, to not dig into their old pictures and figure out by herself about what they were. Two months become three, and three months become six. Baekhyun doesn’t tell Taeyeon about the things they used to do, their dates, their secret places, and their secrets. He chooses to make her know him from zero.

Even though Baekhyun suffered big time in the beginning, as they fall in love with each other all over again, it feels all worth it.

a/n: ohell what is this sobseu. it sort of swells to this size when all i want is a two-page ficlet.... cries....................................... and the ending is rushed............ sobssssssssssssss sorry everyone