2000

My four-inch high heeled shoes created tiny clicks and clacks on the pavement as we strolled through the park, hand in hand. My fingers were soft and delicate while his were firm and steady. We were an odd match but we made it work.

The sky was painted a heart stopping mix of purples and red as the sun began setting. The scent of cherry blossoms filled the air and the majestic flowers drifted gracefully through the mid-spring breeze. The scenery was quite the sight to take in.

I sighed, astounded by the beauty and perfection of the moment. Everything was right. The way the heavens peered down upon us with sincerity and the way he would keep his fingers intertwined within mine. Perfection.

As we sauntered through the park I began humming a lovely tune my mother had once taught me when I was a little girl. It was a rather cheerful melody, telling the tale of what I had only assumed was the deepest bond between a pair of lovers and their lives told through the story of song. It was my favourite lullaby, it kept me at ease when I was young and was only reserved for special moments. Moments like these that were worth remembering. He deserved to hear the song that had shaped my childhood, because, just like the lullaby, I would always love him.

And softly, in a low voice I began to sing, filling the empty gap between our last words spoken and setting both our minds at ease.

Sing the sweet song of the roses dear

My love for you is always near

The growing gold of the sunflower’s petals

Will be without those pesky nettles

The gentle singing of the blue bird’s song

May it always stay with you til I’m long gone

For the winter nights dwindle too few

But when spring has arrived it will only be us two

At the completion of the song I smiled wistfully. The memories that had clung so tightly to the song had passed through my mind with clarity. So many wonderful memories that I didn’t want to forget just yet. One day, I hoped that I could look back and remember a memory like this; being on the perfect date with the perfect someone, who might be my soul mate. A genuine smile graced my lips.

As I continued contemplating these warm thoughts I had yet to realise that the hand that had clung so firmly to my own was missing. I spun around to see him three steps behind me, looking directly at me with a weary gaze. My smile was sapped of energy as I analysed his expression, it was downcast and slightly gloomy.

“What’s wrong? Did you forget that you were buying me popcorn for our movie today?” I chuckled, my voice drenched in fake playfulness. His expression was frightening me, and my naïve little statement seemed to be having the exact opposite type of effect that I wanted.

“Seungyeon-ah, we need to talk,” he whispered approaching me slowly, carefully. I was the animal that he didn’t want to scare off. His cautious movements only made my smile disappear even more, leaving a straight line on my lips to replace the happy crescent that had been present just moments ago. “We’ve been together for a while now haven’t we?”

I blinked at him, not knowing what his next words might be, but hoping that it wasn’t going to be those dreaded words that always follow after the “we need to talk” statement. He wouldn’t do it. No he wouldn’t. I love him. He said he loved me. He wouldn’t.

“Lately I’ve been … thinking. You’re, you’re great. And I’ve had fun being with you and it’s made me happy. But I don’t think this is working for me. You know I like you and everything but, I don’t want to be romantically involved with you anymore. So, I think we should … break up. But we can still be friends.”

That’s when I could hear it; the sound of impenetrable silence. I was devoid of life, devoid of everything. Every swirling beautiful emotion that had previously encompassed me during our brief stroll had been destroyed completely. I was empty.

He didn’t want me. He probably never even loved me. I was nothing. I am nothing.

 I’m hideous because he didn’t think I was beautiful enough to treasure.

I’m stupid because he didn’t think that I was smart enough to comprehend.

I’m broken because he didn’t find me worth fixing.

I’m nothing to him.

It was a whole new wound being reopened for me right there, in that surreal moment. I could see it coming from his demeanour and his cruel words. Yet, I stood there like an idiot, listening to him and thinking that it wasn’t the case. That he loved me. That we were soul mates.

My breaths became rapid and short as a curtain of absolute blur was placed before my eyes, distorting the figure of the boy that I had cherished so much. The tears in my eyes were fighting, fighting to be free, just like he had been freed of me. In a single blink they cascaded down my face, leaving a tormented trail on my cheeks.

I couldn’t stay here. I had to leave.

His steady hands that I had once swooned over were trying to touch my face. Attempting to wipe away the scars that he had caused. As much as I wanted that, his melodious touch against my skin once again, I knew it was wrong. He was wrong. I was wrong.

I couldn’t be the trapped animal that he had transformed me into. I willed my feet to take a few steps back, only meagre steps. He followed with a look of deep concern in his eyes; it just made me cry even more. That he didn’t want me yet still had the nerve to console me. It wasn’t right.

“I-I …” I stuttered, gasping for breath as my vision was disfigured once again. His hand stretched to caress my cheek but my once delicate palm smacked it away with spite. “Don’t touch me!” I screamed. He flinched backwards and finally, my brain and feet were connected once again. “Goodbye Kyungsoo.”

I ran.

I ran in the high heels that I had bought especially for our date that had cost me a two week’s worth of allowance. The pain beginning to swell in my feet was nothing compared to the ache in my chest. I would run until my feet were bloody. As long as it meant I would escape from him.

I dashed through the trees and onto the street, running as if I were being chased by a vicious predator. He was all wrong. I was all wrong. And I hated myself for it.

While sprinting I cried and cried with one line being repeated in my head as I neared a tall house littered with peonies. A safe haven where I knew at least one person would welcome me into their arms. The statement replayed itself within my brain like a broken record as my fist began hammering against the dull eggshell door in front of me. Again and again, it was beginning to be engraved into my subconscious with every impact my knuckles made with the door.

Suho was right.

Suho was right.

Suho was right.

Suho was right.

Suho was right.

…

“Shh, it’s okay,” he whispered gingerly, smoothing my hair down with sympathetic touches. It had been fifteen minutes since I had arrived at his humble abode and I had been releasing waterfall quantities of tears; it was a never-ending flow of despair and heartache, and all Suho could do was hold me securely in his arms and try to coax me into revealing how the all too ethereal dream I had with my boyfriend had become an all too clichéd and heart wrenchingly realistic nightmare.

Correction … ex-boyfriend.

“N-No, it’s n-not,” I stuttered, burying my head further into his aged polo shirt. It never would be.

“Seungyeon, you have to tell me what happened,” he continued.

I didn’t have to tell him anything. Even though he was my best friend it didn’t mean that I was obligated to tell him every personal detail of my life. Every personal, idiotic, desperate, oppressive detail in my life. He didn’t need to know and I didn’t have to relive it. But I still told him.

The words flowed out of my mouth unconsciously, like a fast moving current of water travelling downstream. It was fast and fluid, yet it still held the same slow aching pain I had endured during the break up. I experienced it all over again, the all too optimistic mood that had encapsulated me, the disheartened look on his face, the vicious words he had released that relentlessly stabbed the left part of my chest, and the running, the continuous running. It was only then did I realise I had done what I had told myself I would do.

I ran till my feet had bled.

 Cautiously, Suho unravelled himself out of the embrace without upsetting me further and reached down to slide the beautiful cream coloured shoes off of my feet to reveal the dark crimson that had dried on the inner silk within the shoes and the bloody maroon that caked the back of my heels. The wound had barely registered until the slight sensation of skin grazing the back of my heel had caused my body to contort as I yelped in pain.

“Sorry,” he whispered. “I’m going to help you clean this off okay?”

“Mm,” I responded sniffling.

Suho quickly ran to his bathroom and returned with a miniscule first aid kit that had an unknown existence to me. He swiftly ped the pack and took out a clear liquid encased in a spray bottle, a number of cotton balls and a few bandaids.

“Hold still okay? This will only sting a bit but if you keep calm we’ll get through this quickly.”

I only nodded in response as a hiccup escaped my lips. He took this as a sign to begin and drenched a cotton tip with the transparent antiseptic then proceeded to dab it lightly on my right heel. A sense of déjà vu washed over me as I remembered a younger Suho caring for my own injury years ago. I relaxed my body and focused on allowing him to do it as quickly as possible, ignoring the persistent voice in my head telling me that it may hurt a tiny bit more than he stated.

It didn’t sting a bit, it stang beyond the highest level of discomfort. A new set of tears had filled my eyes and began falling mirthlessly to the ground. Unlike the pain Kyungsoo had given me, it wasn’t permanent. I clenched my teeth and shut my eyes tightly, hoping that the pain would dissipate in a faster manner. It didn’t.

Every time he swiped at a sensitive part of my heel I would scream at him while all he could do was mutter apologies and reassure me that I was going to be okay when in reality, physically and emotionally, I wasn’t. Finally he had finished and began to gently blow cool air onto my heels before applying the bandaids. I watched his concentrated expression; the indent of his eyebrows and the tiniest bit of teeth visible as he bit his lip applying slight pressure to the bandaid. His complexion softened my mood and had attained a suppressed sigh from my lips.

“Done,” he said packing up his tools and shooting me a content smile.

“Thank you Dr. Kim,” I responded, mimicking the tone of the little twelve year old I had been three years ago when I had scraped my knee against the bitumen and he had tended to my wound. He was my own personal doctor and had yet to fail me.

He tossed the medical pack onto his desk and had returned to sitting next to me on his bed gazing intently at my tear stained face. I had stopped weeping after he applied the bandaids but the hurt was still there, coursing through me and telling me to be sad and to be that crestfallen girl that I had been. But if I continued to be her, it wouldn’t be fair to Suho.

“You can tell me ‘I told you so’. I know you want to say it,” I said.

“I’m not going to though,” he replied matter-of-factly.

“But you have every right to. You told me about Kyungsoo and I still didn’t listen to you. You predicted this would happen and look where I am now.”

“I’m still not going to say it. It won’t make you feel better.”

“But it might make you.”

“Trust me, it won’t,” he sighed. “I’ll only feel better when you start smiling again.”

I nodded and looked down at the floor in a wearisome way. “It’s going to take something extra special to get the both of us feeling better.”

We were engulfed in a silence, the comfortable and pleasurable type giving us both some time to think.

In one steady movement Suho stood up from the bed and pulled the blanket off slightly so that there was a small triangle of the bed sheet visible. “Crying and running must be tiring,” he said as he gestured to the space.

It was if he had been reading my mind without my own realisation of what I was feeling because immediately my body had responded as I acknowledged the dull ache in my legs and the drooping feeling that accompanied my blinks. Thinking about the warmth within the covers I slid myself in and he tucked the blanket around me.

“You know you’re really too nice to me. I must be the most spoilt person in the world.”

He chuckled, “I’m just lucky I met someone like you. Sleep well Seungyeon.” He began to head for the door until I called out to him once more.

“Don’t you ever regret it though? Being friends with me? I’ve caused you all this trouble, you’re always the one taking care of me, fixing my math homework when I get a question wrong, covering for me with my parents whenever I went out on a date, helping me when I obviously don’t deserve it. Aren’t you tired of just … being that one person in the friendship who never receives any of it back?”

Suho pondered over my words for a few seconds before settling down on the edge of the bed. “Why would I regret it? You’re my best friend, I’d never regret you. You and your little problems make my life a whole lot more interesting. And if you haven’t noticed, you do a lot for me, and I’m thankful for it. You’re special to me Seungyeon.”

I took in a deep breath. Suho always had a way with words and could twist a negative conversation into a positive one. Truth be told, I didn’t deserve a friend like him. He was too kind, too eager to be of assistance. He was a constant presence in my life and I was always a taker, always needing something from him and never being able to reciprocate the same kind of help for him when he required it.

He was my doctor; fixing all of my petty problems whether they were physical or emotional. I was just that one patient who would perpetually be a nuisance even though he wouldn’t admit it. I was that one patient who, even though they were cured, still clung on tightly and refused to let go. It was just an attachment.

My eyes fluttered close as I breathed in the fresh scent of his herbal shampoo, providing me with comfort and familiarity. Two things I needed more than anything.

Gradually I had lulled myself into a slumber where all thoughts of Kyungsoo and the afternoon had disappeared. All that remained in my mind was the glorious smile of my best friend Kim Suho. And it was enough to fight away every nightmarish dream involving cherry blossoms, bloody cream shoes and one Do Kyungsoo.

…

My mind was drifting in and out of sleep, but the conspiratorial whispering voices had awakened me. I kept my eyes shut and feigned my best sleep-look while eavesdropping on their conversation. Unsurprisingly, it was about me.

“You can’t always care for her for the rest of your life Joonmyun,” said a light feminine voice.

“Umma, she needs me. And I need her,” Suho had replied.

Footsteps echoed as one of the figures moved closer to me. “Poor girl,” Suho’s mother sighed as she my hair. “What number is this? Four?”

“Five actually.”

Another exasperated sigh left his mother’s lips. “She’s a beautiful girl so I see why she would have so many boyfriends. My real question is why she’s unable to sustain a relationship for more than a month.”

“Maybe they’re not the right guys for her. Any of them,” Suho answered bitterly.

“My poor son, in love with his best friend who can’t even see him in the same light. You protect her, you care for her, and you would do anything for her. Yet she still can’t see you for your worth. It’s tragic.”

For the slightest of seconds I had stopped breathing entirely.

Suho … loved me?

“Umma,” Suho warned. She began retreating from me and moving back to her son.

“There are only two options Joonmyun. You either confess or you leave her because she’ll never be able to reciprocate your feelings in that heart of hers,” she countered as her footsteps faded away signalling her exit.

Stifling silence filled the room as the padding of his feet against the hardwood floor began to grow louder as he came closer towards me. The springs within the bed protested as he took a seat. With my eyes still shut I could sense the presence of his hand hovering just above my face and ever so slowly, sliding away a strand of hair that was covering my forehead.

It amazed me how he could perform actions so similar to my mother’s yet perform them uniquely different so that there was a distinctive change in atmosphere to them. He could copy the movements of someone I loved direct to a T, yet make it as if they were his own. It scared me.

More seconds of utter silence resided in the room before he cleared his throat and began mumbling something in a rhythmic tune which gradually rose in volume and clarity.

He was singing to me. He was singing the precious song that I had sung earlier in the day to someone who had neglected its significance and neglected me. He was singing my mother’s lullaby.

I never knew he could sing. His voice was beautiful. Like the voice of a bluebird or even the voice of an angel. It held a hauntingly captivating effect on my insides. My skin was accumulating goose bumps and a strange, unfamiliar warmth cocooned me. In the complete darkness of my mind I pictured his glowing face and heavenly voice showering me in complete resplendence. He had set me into an unbreakable trance.

On the last line of the song, he faltered.

But when spring has arrived it will only be us two

His voice cracked slightly and revealed the fractures within his angelic pretence. He was still the heavenly being but lacked the perfection. I could see his scars, his hurt. I could feel it now, the pain of loving someone who had never considered loving him back, the torment of always watching by as a third party observer as they pranced around with different lovers who all turned out to be completely wrong, and the constant ache of caring for that person so much that you could not leave them even if you tried.

Because they were also your best friend.

Even though I was unable to visually see him, I saw him. The brief inhalation of air and the withdrawal of it all in one go became a repetitive cycle. He was crying. No wails or uncontrollable sobs like I had cried over Kyungsoo, but the type of crying that had occurred so often that they had learnt how to control some of it. But it was only some, and the inaudible tears that he cried one by one caused splinters to stab my heart.

Regaining some control of his composure, I felt his hot breath against my face. My pulse raced within my skin as I awaited my assumption to prove true. He was going to kiss me.

A fluttery butterfly kiss landed on my temple with shaky lips. He was still in pain but the kiss had proved its worth. The rush of warmth that his voice had given me pulsed within my skin, awakening every muscle, every bone and every sense; awakening everything that had been lying dormant to him.

Including my once closed eyes.

The intensity of the blaring lights caused my eyes to squint in response but I ignored it as I stared face to face with my prince. His face was red from weeping and fixed in an expression of sheer astonishment that quickly returned to a desolate state.

“You do know that when you try to wake a princess you have to kiss her on the lips right?” I whispered softly causing slight tremors within his hand as he reached up to my porcelain face.

Slowly, he lowered his mouth once again, no longer trembling so blatantly but I could tell he was still terrified. His presence was becoming imminent and without a second thought his lips made contact with my own. He was gentle, pressing them softly against my own and that was when I could feel the butterflies and that ever present warmth surging even stronger within me if it were possible.

It was like an old, classic film.

Cue the theatrical romantic music and the fireworks.

It was perfect.

And unknowingly, within the kiss, the corners of my mouth turned up in jubilance; causing the both of us to feel better.

2003

In and out.

I focused on my breathing, keeping calm and steady as I sat fidgety in my seat. Today was the day I was going to graduate and escape the daydream that they call “high school”. I’d graduate and go to university, explore the world, become an adult.

I’ve been waiting for this day for months. In the process of awaiting graduation I had become a drastically different person. I had dyed my hair a vibrant red as an act of impudence as well as defiance, focused harder on my grades to stop being dependent on others and had discovered what my heart was capable of. It was a truly memorable year as most of the seniors had said.

Now, consciously focusing on keeping myself still I wait with patient breaths. The ceremony had started approximately an hour ago yet I still felt nervous, receiving a flimsy piece of paper to mark my leave of adolescence and incapability was technically a big deal at this stage in life. Just like my other peers I was hoping to receive it with dignity and maybe even a few added bonuses.

The principal was making his address, referring to the usual routine of excelling to higher levels, untapped potential and every other graduation cliché in the book. The speech had a rather boring air to it as I felt myself silently yawning. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about his attempt at making this average event a grand affair, not entirely at least. It was just that, it was nothing that I hadn’t heard before. I needed something … inspiring. High school was great, but I wanted something bigger.

I snuck a peek two people to my left and checked on Suho. He was gazing intently at the principal, hanging onto every word as if it were a lifeline. He had sentimentality towards these things unlike me. He could sit through a three hour lecture of clichéd motivational speeches and still be awake at the end of the session. I managed a tiny smile at him. Even through a tedious speech like this he was still captivated. He was still the regular old Suho I knew and loved.

“… and with that you all will be able to walk independently into the world as young adults. Thank you,” the principal concluded with an exuberant grin that in no way matched his mediocre speech. A rowdy round of applause amplified throughout the hall as parents, teachers and students alike praised the principal for his address. “And now, to present the students with their certificates of merit.”

And that was when the names were called. One by one of course, each name was carefully pronounced as well as the word “graduated”. Only a lucky select few students had the honour of receiving an extra line to their introduction stating if they had ranked at the top of their class for a certain subject. It was a significant achievement that some may take for granted, but I wouldn’t.

When I turned sixteen, I had my epiphany. In previous years I had been the recipient of either failing grades or average marks. But I realised I wanted more than that. My parents deserved a daughter they could be proud of no matter what. They had raised me and taught me good values and with every test paper and report card that had found its way to them, they only smiled and told me that it was “good”. But secretly I knew what they were thinking; their only child was stupid. I would be a disappointment to our family if I didn’t have a career. And I didn’t want to be the child who stayed home for the rest of her life mooching off of her parents. So, I studied.

I studied so hard it almost killed me. I focused in class, wrote notes and actually achieved something that could be considered great. In a matter of weeks D’s turned into C’s, C’s turned into B’s and gradually, an A had decided to make an appearance. I can still remember the look of pride both of my parents wore as they congratulated me on my A graded trigonometry test. It was little, but it was a start.

From that point onwards, I didn’t look back. And every step of the way, my best friend was always there. Suho cheered me on, Suho taught me, and he did everything in his power to make sure that I would do better. He never stopped, not once. And that was only one of the many reasons why I love him.

“Kim Joonmyun. 1^st place Biology, 1^st place Chemistry, 1^st place Mathematics. Graduated,” the principal boomed with lavish. Suho was definitely a top student, he was diligent and reliable. He planned on becoming a doctor, to no one’s surprise. And this time I was going to cheer him on.

Suho graced the stage with his natural presence, beaming widely and humbly. Another splutter of names and statements followed suit until recognition snapped me out of my trance.

“Han Seungyeon. 1^st place Business Studies. Graduated.”

I attempted to make a graceful path up towards the stage but ended up stumbling. First place. It was more than an honour. It was as if I were receiving an award for something as prestigious as the Oscars or even from the president. It was the most amazing award I had ever received.

I received my paper and joined the line that accumulated on stage. Looking into the crowd, I saw my parents sitting next to Suho’s family. My father grinned appreciatively as he held up our family’s prehistoric recording camera and tried to capture the moment while my mother sat elegantly in her seat and wore an expression of maternal pride and wistful remembrance as she dabbed at her eyes with a tissue. I had never seen such a pleased look on my parents’ faces before this day.

And I was glad that I had managed to be the cause of it.

…

“Just one more picture!” My father cried as he still held out the camera at the ready. He had already taken ten pictures after the ceremony had concluded but was still adamant about keeping these memories alive.

I gave my father a whiny remark and began to reach for the camera when Suho pulled me back by the waist and shot me another one of his playful smiles.

“Don’t you want to remember this moment? We’re finally free,” he said keeping a firm grip on me. “And it marks the start of our lives. Together.”

His words didn’t fail to make me subdue as he melted my irritated exterior. “Together,” I replied back. A joyful smile found its way to my lips and I posed once more for my father, keeping Suho very close to me.

“Okay, that’s perfect,” he said. “I bet my grandkids will be beautiful with both of your genes.”

“And what makes you so sure that you’ll have grandchildren?” Suho’s mother intervened. Ever since we began dating she had upheld a frosty attitude towards me while Suho just said that I would worm into her heart eventually. Unfortunately, that day has yet to come.

“Just look at them. Close as anything humanly possible. And I know that their relationship is strong and healthy, so why wouldn’t it go in that direction?” my father asked to which Suho’s mother did not reply. He had a rather cheerful smile on.

A sense of gratitude came over me as I silently thanked my father from saving me from the indirect attack Suho’s mother had made at me. However, one thing seemed to linger on my mind. Suho’s grip on my waist had tensed slightly at my father’s response. I knew he loved me. So why did his involuntary gesture make me feel so uneasy?

 After ten more minutes of idle chit chat both our families had decided to leave which meant that Suho and I finally had the night to ourselves.

“So, what now? Are we going to watch a movie? Eat ddukbokki?” I asked as I threaded my dainty fingers through his.

“I have a better idea,” he replied demurely as he began swinging our hands like how a young child might fly back and forth on a swing set.

“Should I be worried?”

“What’s there to worry about?”

“Well, for starters, we could get lost,” I retorted.

“But I know where I’m going.”

“But I don’t.”

“That’s what they call a surprise,” he remarked humorously.

I feigned a seemingly annoyed look and allowed him to lead me through the streets of Seoul. The dazzling evening lights seemed to swiftly creep out unnoticed as the majestic late afternoon glow transformed into a beautiful evening shimmer. The iridescent lights from the streets and nearby shops shined brightly as they signalled the beginning of a new peak hour for dinner.

We continued strolling through the streets; inhaling delicious scents, viewing magnificent sights and hearing the tinkling of the night as people bustled about. Through passing all of these wonders I pondered where Suho was taking me. Some place magical was what I was hoping, but passing all of these attractions I couldn’t help but wonder if we had missed the actual destination. But I trusted him and let him lead me.

The crowded streets of people eventually dwindled to smaller numbers as they all began to scatter like ants. We had reached an area that seemed very secluded even though there were still a numerous amount of shops scattered around us. The evening breeze blew around us, whispering a lovely little song while lingering on our cheeks.

“Suho, I’m starting to think we’re lost,” I mumbled, even though the scenery was picturesque, I was getting a bit tired and over anxious about where the final destination would be.

“You trust me, don’t you?”

“More than anything.”

“So trust me when I say we’re nearly there.”

All I could do in response was nod contemplatively. After more winding paths we suddenly stopped in front of a park. The large expanse of mint green grass stretched far beyond my view while one single gazebo sat in the middle, adorned with luminescent fairy lights. A single island of solitude in a sea of congesting traffic. The simplicity of that one little structure took my breath away.

“Surprise,” he breathed lightly near my ear. He had somehow shifted to be standing behind me with his comforting hands on my shoulders, leading me towards the minute paradise. The dried and cracking paint suggested that it had existed for longer than three years. A singular table lied in the middle with a wide bench surrounding the outer edges of the gazebo. It held a cosy effect on me; like the smell of ramen on a Wednesday night when my mother didn’t know what to cook, or the feather like feeling of one of Suho’s kisses on my nose.

“Well, do you like it?” he asked me.

“I-I love it,” I barely managed to utter.

He chuckled his knowing laugh and sat us both down on one end of the gazebo. My hands felt clammy and my face tingled as he gazed at me. His eyes had softened further, if it was possible, and all traces of humour that were present in his laugh had faded. He simply just looked at me. As if I was a valuable treasure, as if I was a diamond, as if I was anything than just your average lover. I could comprehend what he was feeling, and thinking.

And I could not help but absorb it. Taking it in as if it were my drug; the only thing that was sustaining my life. He was all I really needed, the only necessity that I would ever refuse to part with. He was exactly what I needed. A best friend and a lover. The embodiment of two particular people that I required more than anything.

And that one, true sensation that we both felt for each other. The other factor that assured me that he was made for me and I for him.

Our unconditional love.

...

We ate, we talked and we stared. Nothing completely out of the ordinary. I guess some people could consider that our evening was pretty mundane. We did what we usually did on dates and it was that normalcy that made me feel comfortable. The average lifestyle with Suho was more than enough for me.

After dinner we lied on the grass, gazing up at the constellations decorating the sky. Somehow, we had departed the cities cluttered atmosphere and were able to find a clear space where the stars were still visible. Every now and then I would point at a random cluster of stars and state a namely fact about them. I told him about Orion’s belt and about the different stages of life stars passed through. Planetary nebulas and red supergiants, a continuous stream of information that he didn’t seem to mind.

“Pulsar stars emit waves of electromagnetic radiation through beams and-,” I dragged on. For some reason, he wasn’t bored by my lame attempt at entertainment.

A loving kiss was placed on my hand as he brought our entwined fingers to his mouth. “Would it be bad to tell you that I’ve had enough star facts to last me a lifetime?”

“Yes. Especially if you interrupted me,” I said. “But, if you can tell me all those facts in the lifetime that we’re together then I don’t mind.”

He kept his mouth on my hand and seemed to be contemplating my words. Silently he let our hands hang limply on the ground and sat up.

“Seungyeon, I was planning to tell you this later, but I think I should tell you now,” he stated nervously keeping his eyes trained on the grass.

I nodded a wordless response and obliged to join him with my legs crossed like a five year old. I wasn’t very afraid of what he would say, but his outward behaviour made me anxious. Mainly because it reminded me of the day Kyungsoo and I had broken up. And I hoped that I would never see that look again.

“Since I was little, I kind of engraved in my mind that high school relationships were just a waste. That they were only going to last for that moment, and then in college I would find a new girl, and start a mature relationship, that could possibly lead to marriage,” he gulped. “But I also told myself that, if I wanted to pursue my high school relationship that she would have to be the one. And that I would have to … marry her.” He kept his glare stuck to the ground not daring to look up at me. “So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that, tonight, I don’t want to force you to marry me and I don’t want to force you to break up with me. I want this to be your choice because you deserve a say in this too. I mean, our current relationship is great but I promised myself I would do this. And I don’t break promises,” he said. A small sliver of water travelled down next to his nose and slipped off of his face.

I couldn’t believe that he would even ask me this. Giving me all this responsibility; deciding both of our futures. It really confused me why he would ask me this.

“Do you even want to marry me?” I questioned.

“Do you want to marry me?” he countered.

“You’re avoiding my question.”

“And you to mine.”

I released a deep sigh. And almost impulsively my palms gripped his face and I placed the most emotional kiss I could bare onto his quivering lips. His lower lip followed suit and he adjusted to fit the kiss. It was like every other kiss we had, it was spectacularly beautiful, but it did not mean goodbye. It meant, please stay.

“I can’t believe you even had to ask me that,” I murmured, as we shared a warm breath. “I love you.”

A pang of anxiety hit me. It was the first time I had ever told him those three sacred words that changed the state of the relationship. I remember specifically telling him three years ago, that if I were to ever tell someone that I love them, it would be serious. Not just tossing it around for the sake of it within a relationship like the last time, but saying it and truthfully meaning it.

“You s-said …” he stuttered in disbelief. He never expected me to be so straight forward about this, and it resulted in giving him an irrational sense of shock. I assumed that it was the fact that we had both secretly come to the conclusion that he would be the first to confess. Not me; not the girl who didn’t even know of his feelings until three years ago.

“I love you,” I said again. “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. Do you realise that? If you ask me to run, I’ll run, if you ask me to jump, I’ll say how high, and if you ask me if I want to marry you, I’ll say I do,” I said, practically on the verge of tears.

Suho drew a deep intake of breath as tell tale signs of a smile began to appear on his face. “I love you too Seungyeon,” he whispered. A new set of tears had appeared in the crevices of his eyes; no longer of pain or regret, but of pure happiness. And I had never needed anything as much as I had needed him in that moment.

It had taken little more than a second until we were together again. His secure arms wrapped around me, his nose slowly my face and his breath making me feel numb.

For what felt like the millionth time in my life, I thought to myself, so this is what it feels like to be loved.

2006

“OOOH! Let me see it!” Jiyoung howled as she was bouncing up and down rapidly.

“Last time okay?” I said partially irritated at the fact that my boisterous sister in law wanted to be awed once again by the ornate piece of jewellery adorning my finger.

I stretched my hand out again and was greeted with the sound of Jiyoung’s exasperating gasp. Lo and behold, there on the ring finger of my left hand, was the most exquisite engagement ring that I had ever dreamed of. The curls of the gold that loped around and between each other on my finger, and the single jewel that sat in its fitted bed, glowed in pristine clarity. Within the golden twirls of the ring, were intricate lines that formed a rather antique pattern that just accentuated its beauty. If I was to ever have picked out the perfect ring, this ring wouldn’t even have crossed my mind because I wouldn’t have believed that it would have existed. But it did. And he made it for me.

“You’re such a lucky girl! Marrying your best friend and ultimate lover with a dazzling piece of evidence to wear for the rest of your life? I’m now starting to think lucky is an understatement,” Jiyoung hooted in admiration. “Except for the part where you have to marry my brother. I do feel sorry for you.”

“Shut up!” I laughed.

Since we were younger, Suho had welcomed me into his family almost immediately. It was through this that I was able to form a sporty relationship with his father, a girly relationship with his younger sister and a rather tolerable relationship with his mother. They were my second family, so there were no problems with adjusting into a new lifestyle with them.

“So, any final prep needed? Do you need me to assort the place cards? Give the orchids a brief trim? Or triple check on the music choices?” Jiyoung inquired hopefully.

“I told you Jiyoung, everything is perfectly fine. You’ve done more than enough,” I replied.

“But I said I’d help and it’s exactly twelve hours before your wedding!” she retorted obstinately.

“And everything is sorted. Now go get some sleep okay?”

With a final look of dismay she nodded numbly before giving me a brief hug and leaving the suite. It was the final hurdle before the wedding. Having to cope with all of the building anxiety and the nerves that threatened to make me incapacitated for the most important day of my life. I couldn’t admit to Jiyoung that I felt more scared and fussy than she did; I had to remain in control. And I had to stay calm by keeping myself in an equilibrium of serenity.

Well, that was at least what I had read online.

However, the only thing that could possibly help me stay calm was the man I was going to marry. Without a second thought I jumped straight up and half sprinted half galloped to the balcony where he was reading.

The cool evening air seemed to embrace me in a friendly hug as I warmed at the sight of him. He was sitting on the couch that bared resemblance to a swing set with his hair tousled from the breeze and his glasses hanging askew on the bridge of his nose. I couldn’t help but think of how professional he looked. He seemed thoroughly engrossed in his novel that he didn’t even notice me yet. A small curve shaped my lips.

“Suho,” I whispered giddily, almost like a child.

At the mere mention of his name he seemed to have forgotten about his book and turned his attention to me with a bright smile curling at his lips. He spread his arms wide open and I didn’t waste a second jumping into them.

Leaning against his torso I breathed in his scent, and breathed out all of the negative energy that had been busy consuming me.

“How are you feeling?” he asked me as he began my hair.

“Fine,” I answered unconvincingly.

“How do you honestly feel?”

“Like I’m going to throw up.”

He laughed at my remark and continued his . “Me too. But do you know what gets me through it?”

“What?”

“Its knowing that by the end of tomorrow the most beautiful girl in the world will be mine, and I will be hers,” he responded, moving on to caress my cheek with gentle lingering touches.

“How do you always know the right things to say at the exact times?”

“Years of practice. And years of dedication.”

I rolled over to obtain a better view of his face and ended up lying on his lap. “Do you think anything will … change tomorrow?”

“Nothing will change except for our love growing stronger,” he said planting a blooming kiss on my forehead.

“That was actually really corny. But I forgive you,” I humorously replied.

“If what you mean by that is I love you, then I love you too.”

“Trust me, I love you,” I said, leaning upwards to meet his lips halfway and then falling back down gently onto his lap. It was like falling back to Earth after reaching the heavens. Breathtakingly beautiful and purely surreal.

“You should get some rest. Big day tomorrow,” he said.

I nodded a yes, and then made myself comfortable using Suho as my bed. He carefully arranged the pillows for me to lean on and returned to the familiar movement of my hair.

“If you’re going to stay up, at least take off your glasses,” I said as I reached up to pull off his black rimmed glasses and set them down on the table nearby next to his book which had somehow ended up on the sidelines.

“Good night Seungyeon,” he whispered, resting another two of his angelic butterfly kisses on both of my cheeks before slowly moving the swing back and forth in a pendulum like motion.

And I could swear that in that moment with the light tickle of the wind, the subtle swinging motion of the couch, the motions of his hand and the sound of his stable breathing; I was in a paradise like no other.

…

“Rise and-OMO!”

The brief little squeal seemed to shock me awake. Slowly but surely I regained my senses. My eyes shrunk in pain as the blaring gaze of the Sun fought to be acknowledged. My eyes flickered over to the source of the noise to find Jiyoung; standing in her Hello Kitty robe with rollers in her hair.

“It’s great that you two are so comfortable with each other, but today of all days, I was kind of hoping that you two wouldn’t be so … intimate,” she said begrudgingly.

“What do you mean by intimate? She’s going to be my wife soon so shouldn’t we be allowed to be together?” Suho yawned before giving me a kiss on the neck. A girlish giggle was released from my mouth as Suho’s breath began tickling me. I couldn’t wait to be able to wake up to him every morning.

“Okay you two lovebirds. In ten minutes if I don’t see Seungyeon in the powder room and Suho out of here, I will personally bring the cavalry to decapitate your delusional minds,” Jiyoung threatened.

“You wouldn’t would you?” Suho dared. He knew that his sister was stern but he also knew she was truthful. And when she wanted something, she would get it.

“Oh, you and I both know I would,” she responded wickedly.

A brief pause was left to sizzle in the tension filled air before immediately disintegrating with Suho shouting a quick farewell and ambling out of the doorway like his pants were on fire; which they might as well have been, if Suho’s mother had actually been called to the scene by the mistress of manipulation Jiyoung herself.

A victorious smirk found its way to Jiyoung’s face followed by a worrisome expression.

“What are you still doing lying there? Your wedding is in four hours and you look like a cat’s fur ball!”

“Shut up,” I growled back instantaneously.

She shot me a malicious smile before taking out one of her rollers to whack me on the upside of the head.

We had A LOT of work to do.

…

It came sooner than I expected. One second I was sitting in front of a stylus who was contorting my hair into an odd shape then the next I was standing in front of the mirror gaping at my miraculous transformation through the altered view my veil gave me. It was all going too fast and I prayed that it wouldn’t move any faster. The moment to remember had come. The moment I would finally wed my soul mate; and I couldn’t be more scared and excited in my whole entire life.

In the span of what felt like two minutes I found myself at the beach with cream coloured curtains swaying from the sea breeze and dozens of people milling about trying to find a good seat and making small conversation with people they hadn’t seen in months. I wiggled my toes in the sand as I calmed myself to walk down the makeshift aisle that was lined with small clumps of baby’s breath and gorgeous maroon coloured roses. Since it was the beach I had finally convinced Jiyoung to let me walk down the aisle bare foot instead of wearing the bedazzled pair of high heels she had bought me. I had chosen the practical choice but I couldn’t help but think how mad she had felt that I wouldn’t be wearing the shoes.

“It’s time!” she said as she anxiously came up to me before taking her place back in line.

In an orderly procession, they all slowly left me. Each bridesmaid and flower girl floating down the aisle like how flower petals might dance on the surface of rippling water. They were graceful and eloquent, pure examples of what I should be.

Finally, when the last of them had left, it was my turn. I took my time, walking as slowly and as smoothly as possible. And in that moment when I had appeared there were gasps of admiration and tear-filled expressions. But I didn’t notice any of that. Because right there in front of me stood the one man who I had waited all my life to be with entirely. When our eyes made contact I couldn’t break away. He was smiling his “Suho smile”. The smile of utter perfection and sincere emotion that I had grown to love immediately. His eyes were practically twinkling and I was afraid that I would just start sprinting towards him so we could get married already.

Soon enough I had reached him and the ceremony had begun. The minister began speaking but it seemed as if all his words had blended together forming a great big jumbled mess that I couldn’t even understand. All my thoughts were simple and they all revolved around him. The man who would be my husband. He stared intently at the minister but at times I could see him flickering his gaze back to me. Once we were married, I would make sure that he would gaze at me more, and that I would always return them.

“And now for the vows. Kim Joonmyun, you may start,” the minister said.

Taking a deep breath, Suho began, and I could see that he had rehearsed this a million times so that he would know it off by heart. But it didn’t really matter because I would ultimately love whatever he would say.

Slowly turning himself towards me, he gripped my hands, stared directly into my eyes and began.

“Han Seungyeon. You’re the love of my life. I promise to protect you until forever; from every oncoming storm and from every rose prick. I promise to cherish you from day one; I’ll never leave your side as long as you let me. I promise to listen to you constantly; whether it’s about the issues that we have as a couple or just about which dress looks better on you even though you look stunning no matter what you wear. I promise to devote myself to you; every inch of my body and every piece of my soul. They’re all yours for eternity. You’re the guiding light that keeps me bound to Earth. And you’ve taught me the unimaginable until this day. You’ve taught me how to truly love. And it’s this that I’m grateful for. Together we’re absolute. I love you.”

It was as if time stopped, and it was only the two of us. Together on this little beach paradise where nothing and no one else mattered. His words echoed within me and spread to every piece of me that was shrouded in darkness. Every anxious and dread filled part of me had dissipated. He cleansed me of every doubt. Now I would do the same for him.

“Suho. I’m not good at saying anything, but I’ll try. When we first met, I was shy and timid. But you ignored this and became my best friend. I promise to share everything with you like I had shared with you when we were twelve. Three years later, we were fifteen. You cured me of a broken heart and you gave me a new one. A new heart that would only beat for you. I promise to cure you from anything that would even threaten to hurt you; your nightmares and your fears. I promise to give you my heart wholly; like you had given me yours on every night that had followed the day that you had first kissed me. Because you deserve someone who can love as completely as you love her. Another three years passed and we graduated. You took me to a heaven on Earth and we finally spoke the three words that brought us here to this very spot. I promise to be good to you; telling you if your stethoscope is missing and introducing you to the new restaurant I found a street away from our apartment. I promise to always be courageous with you, I will never stop telling you how I feel about you. And no matter how many times I say those words, they will never lose their meaning because they will always be true. I promise, not to have loved you. But to forever stay in love with you. Because it’s the least I can do for someone who makes me feel so … infinite.”

They weren’t enough. The words that had sprouted from my mouth were minor compared to his but on his face I saw the same look that I had just worn when he finished speaking. He would be my forever. And as long as I knew that, everything would be fine.

“Joonmyun, do you take Seungyeon to be your wife, your partner in life and your one true love? Will you cherish her friendship and love her today, tomorrow and forever? Will you trust and honour her, laugh with her and cry with her? Will you be faithful through good times and bad, in sickness and in health as long as you both shall live?”

“I do,” he said with tears making his eyes glassy. He slid a simple golden band onto my finger and it became aligned with my engagement ring.

“And do you Seungyeon, take Joonmyun to be your husband, your partner in life and your one true love? Will you cherish his friendship and love him today, tomorrow and forever? Will you trust and honour him, laugh with him and cry with him? Will you be faithful through good times and bad, in sickness and in health as long as you both shall live?”

“I do,” I said with as much affirmation as I could muster. I followed in suit and placed the ring on his finger. It was our promise and the evidence of our love for one another.

“By the power vested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride,” the minister concluded.

With steady fingers Suho carefully lifted the veil that had obscured my view of him. Soon enough it was gone and I could truly see everything. He had lifted the imperfection and the worry from me. There were no regrets or remorse left in me. I had now finally completely dedicated myself to him. And there was only one last step into making the dream come true.

We both leaned in at the same time and our lips had met at exactly the right moment. It was like our first kiss, something so wonderful and new being finally experienced. The same warmth rushed through my body and I couldn’t help but think of how this time, we would truly be together. His lips slowly released my own and we just simply looked into each others’ eyes while the happiest smiles we had both ever seen were being painted on each others’ faces.

The guests began to clap loudly with congratulatory intent. But we still stood there, hand in hand with our gazes locked, trying to store this beautiful memory.

“I love you Suho,” I whispered with tiny trails of silver flowing freely from my eyes.

“I love you too Seungyeon,” he murmured before giving me another passionate kiss.

I wasn’t sure whether we were still allowed to be standing here, and kissing again.

But I didn’t care, because I knew what we needed.

And that was each other.

...

The ocean was lapping at our feet as we stood together. With his arms wrapped around me and his breath audible in my ear, I was at home.  The celebration after the wedding had long ended hours ago with many photos being taken and many guests giving their greetings. I remember my mother happily wailing at me showing her pride in my maturity while my father gave me the biggest hug he had ever given me in the last ten years while trying to uphold a gruff front to prove that he was still manly. Suho’s father had greeted me and thanked me for everything when I should have been the one to thank him while Jiyoung threw herself at me and cried like I had never seen her cry before. And then, Suho’s mother had approached me. And for the first time, she embraced me. She became the woman I had known since before Suho and I had started dating. She apologised profusely to me but I was quick to reassure her that she had done nothing wrong. And then just as briskly as they had came, they were gone.

It was two in the morning and we had finally escaped from our own reception with everyone calling it a night. But not for us. Being alone together was what we both had wanted. I finally had my husband and he finally had his wife.

I couldn’t wait to start a life together.

The atmosphere that enveloped us was serene, the only movement was the waves that swished melodiously against the sand and then returning to where they had left. The orchestra of the ocean had played its lovely tune for us. And then I decided I would return the favour, and began to sing.

Sing the sweet song of the roses dear

My love for you is always near

The growing gold of the sunflower’s petals

Will be without those pesky nettles

The gentle singing of the blue bird’s song

May it always stay with you til I’m long gone

For the winter nights dwindle too few

But when spring has arrived it will only be us two

“You have a beautiful voice,” Suho said before planting a kiss on my temple.

“Not as beautiful as yours,” I replied.

The ocean had responded to my song and the tides began drawing in and then splashing out in a free fashion. There was nothing frightening about the scene. It was purely beautiful.

The song I had sung belonged to my mother. And now I had claimed partial ownership of it and had given it to Suho and to the sea. It was special to me, and only special people during special moments would be able to hear it. But for Suho, he would be able to hear it all the time because every moment with him, would be special.

“I think I’m in love with an angel,” I sighed leaning into him.

He chuckled slightly at my words. “Well I’m married to an angel.”

I tore my gaze from the symphony of the sea and met his eyes. “I could never love you more than I already do.”

“I could always love you more than I already do,” he replied using his left hand to capture my fly –away hairs and place them neatly behind my ear.

“Then show me,” I said sincerely.

His lips met my own and I had believed what he said. It was a genuine kiss. In that single moment, every bursting emotion I felt for him deepened. He took away my living nightmares like he had with ex-boyfriends from my past. He made me smile as if I was looking upon heaven and every good thing that had ever existed. He made me feel loved like I had never felt before. All the countless times that I had thought I experienced love, were all wrong. This moment, defined love. He made me enter a paradise of no return. I couldn’t escape from him even if I wanted to. But I didn’t want to. He gave me what others had only dreamed of.

I didn’t know where we were going from here. Whether we would start a family and raise children who would go on to find their own paths in the world, write their own love stories, or whether we would become successful in our career paths; me being a business woman and him being a paediatrician. The uncertainties and lack of planning were all standing in the way like a chain-linked fence that denied as entry into a better, certain world. But, we didn’t need to know just yet. Because in this moment, the future didn’t exist, nor did the past. It was only the present. And it took us nine years to realise that a life lived without love and wasted on petty problems wasn’t a life lived well at all. So we decided that we would continue to love in the present and hope for a better future.

Because with this love and hope; happiness would be sure to follow.

A/N: So I finally finished ~ YAY ! I apologise for the major delay and the cheesiness that has come from this. But I'd just like to say thank you to my subbies and those two people who have supported me and forced me to finish this *you know who you are*. So yes, thank you so much and maybe I'll see you all again soon ~