Seunghyun clutches onto his last stick, rubs his forehead with his thumb, thinking of starting it even as he was exhaling from the one already in his mouth. He could never figure why this was the one thing that always took him away from the real world, even for someone who doesn’t see himself much in it.

When he gets questions during those sessions he felt were always too clinical, too arranged, he says the first thing he has in his mind. They never made direct sense but a sliver of his words sometimes feels like they do. And the boys laugh. They always do. Because they expect to laugh. Sometimes he wants them to laugh.

His thoughts were interrupted by the last bits of ash falling off from his current stick. Flicking the burnt out one away, his fingers flip the last one into his mouth, already craving the taste again. He struck a match and lit up. He preferred matches. They provided an earthy taste he wanted, feeling that the taste grounded him.

Seunghyun rubs his forehead again, suddenly worried that that was his last stick. Even halfway thru the stick, his fingers are already anxiously fidgeting, he didn’t think he had another pack in his secret stash that the boys always seem to find and nag him to hell and back for. Especially Bae. Lordy, that boy could nag better than his mother.

Frowning, Seunghyun sat up abruptly. He could just walk over to the nearest store within 10 minutes and get a few more packs. Pulling up the hood to cocoon himself within his usual layered clothes, he slipped into the lift with a slight spring in his steps. Reds? Menthols? He loved them both. Jiyong could never understand this.

‘Just stick to one, hyuuung. How could you like that ashy taste from those awful Reds? Agh’ Jiyong shuddered delicately when he saw Seunghyun switch from his last stick of Menthol to the current Red stick.  Ji was the only other who could understand that quiet feel of peace when they huddled close on the rooftop, inhaling their own brand of air in the chilly weather. The best kind of weather to have a quiet session on the rooftop.

Ji could never understand though why Seunghyun had to have both Reds and Menthols with him, sometimes resolutely going through half a pack of Reds, switching to a few sticks of Menthol then back to Reds. It perplexed him. Ji liked the activity very much, it gave him that same moment away from the rest but with his hyung who unlike the rest, could be comfortable in their silence, accompanied only by the sounds of slight cracklings from their sticks and whispers of breathing. He was especially mesmerized by the white tendrils of smoke when he sometimes looked up and Seunghyun was in the middle of exhaling, lost in thoughts, as he usually was. Seunghyun always looked like a beautiful sculpture, the way he stood almost completely still, smoke lazily floating from his open lips and up past his face. In those moments, Ji never knew what his hyung had in his head, and never wanted to know. He wanted Seunghyun to have a side he didn’t want to know about.

Seunghyun smiled wryly, quickened his steps to the store as he saw its signboard and his eyes latched onto the display of cigarettes. Reds? Menthols? Both.

He stood for a moment outside the store. Should he have one now? He was already longing for one, the taste of the last one already almost gone. Reds? Definitely. He felt like he was floating too much now, heady with thoughts. He pulled out his box of matches.

‘Hey’ Seunghyun looked up, frowning at the interruption.

A girl in combat pants, obnoxious colored hoody and with a guitar slung across her back called out to him. Seunghyun arched his eyebrow, still frowning, his first stick of Red.

‘Got one to spare?’

Seunghyun didn’t like to share. Especially when he had already claimed this one for himself in his mind. His eyes flitted from the stick he was holding, to the girl who was lazily eyeing it.

Oh what the , Seunghyun. Bet she doesn’t really smoke Reds.

Seunghyun held up his stick ‘This one?’

‘Yeah, whatever’

Seunghyun puffed up his cheeks in annoyance, she could have shown some sort of gratitude for this.

‘Right. Here ya go’

‘Light it for me yeah?’

Seunghyun narrowed his eyes. This was his stick. If he lit it, it was more so, his.

‘Right’, Seunghyun quickly lit the stick and held it carelessly out to the girl, already wanting it out of his hands, as if the stick had betrayed him for wanting to go to her.

The girl nodded her head in thanks. She inhaled gratefully.

Seunghyun his lips, that looks ing delicious.

Suddenly losing the desire for his own, Seunghyun started towards the dorm.

‘Hyuuuuung!’ Seunghyun looked up to see a grinning Jiyong, flying down the path, beanie tight over his cotton candy pink hair, black hoody over camo pants.

‘Heyyy I wondered where you went hyung!’ Ji glanced at the girl who silently contemplated the sudden appearance of this somewhat loud wiry man. She continued inhaling on her stick deeply, glancing at Seunghyun’s newly opened pack still tightly clutched in his hands, forgotten by the owner.

‘Wanna have one now hyung?’ Jiyong patted the side of his jacket, quickly withdrawing his pack of Menthol Lights.

Seunghyun could never resist Ji. He glanced at the girl, who by this time had crushed the, no, his, cigarette on the sole of her combat boots. Ji looked over at the girl wonderingly; Seunghyun looked almost angry.

‘Hey, want another one?’ Seunghyun jerked in surprise at Ji handing the girl a stick from his opened pack. The girl smiled. Ji was never selfish with his things, least of all his sticks. The girl reached out.

‘Nuh uh’ Jiyong was in a playful mood, he bit his lower lip while struggling to get his lighter out. He wet his lips, popped the cigarette in and lit it.

Seunghyun hated sharing cigarettes with Jiyong. The filter end was always damp. Ji knew this and always made them damp when Seunghyun was desperate for one and had to share.

Ji grinned at Seunghyun, almost reading his mind, as he handed the lit cigarette to the girl.

The girl nodded her head in thanks again but Seunghyun caught a slight grimace when she had her first puff.

Jiyong was already lighting his own stick, passing another to Seunghyun.

Seunghyun shook his head slightly, pulling out a Red stick. He lit it with a match, savoring that first puff, as he usually does. Ji remained silent, suddenly quieting down, lost in thoughts. Seunghyun was used to this, Ji had quick moodswings. He inhaled again, this time, slowly letting the smoke escape his mouth, squinting his eyes. He glanced at the girl again. She was staring at him, no, his stick.

What the.. did she already want another one? Seunghyun suddenly realized that she had broken her Menthol Light stick into two, saving the other half. For?

‘Hey can I have another Red? I kinda like the taste of the two’ Seunghyun raised his eyebrow. Ji looked at the girl, at Seunghyun, then the girl. He narrowed his eyes.

‘I just need half’

Seunghyun, bemused, lifted his stick from his dry lips, the filter sticking slightly to them before he took it out and handed it to the girl.

‘Thanks’

Seunghyun and Jiyong were now contemplating the girl who was now unabashedly enjoying the half stick from Seunghyun. All three were quietly lost in their own thoughts.

The girl crushed the finished Red. She straightened up, waved a thanks to both and slouched away.

‘C’mon Ji, it’s cold. Let’s have the rest on the rooftop’ Seunghyun felt lighter, somehow.

‘I’m having the Menthol one first now’

Jiyong shrugged, and walked in step with his hyung back to the dorm.

‘Karina!’ Seunghyun and Jiyong looked up as they saw another girl waving energetically to the smoking girl of before, who was a few steps behind them.

‘You got a stick baby girl?’

‘Half a stick of Menthol Light, noona!’

‘Good enough!’

The two girls walked away, giggling over matters only such girls would dream of, and the boys hurried to their shared space of solace, one anticipating the sharp taste of Menthol while the other fleetingly thought of his earthy Reds.