It took another week before Lu Han came back. The week after I visited him wasn’t that hard to overcome, it only got hard when he came back. I don’t know why, but I tried to make some distance between us after he came back. I would purposely try to avoid him. The feelings I had for him didn’t weaken though, they only became stronger. The week Lu Han was gone – the one after the day I’d visited him – I found out what the feelings I had for him were. I was feeling guilty, guilty for having told him that he was ugly and partly made him try to commit suicide. I was jealous; he was so beautiful and handsome. He had everything you could want; the looks, a good family, friends. I missed him when he was gone. I missed him so much that I’d cried myself to sleep one evening which was extremely hard to overcome because he wasn’t there. I felt the need to protect him with my life if necessary. I even hated him at some point. I hated him because of the guilt, the jealousy, the need of having him close and the need to protect him. I found out that when you experience all these feelings about someone at the same time, you get an entire different feeling: A feeling called ‘love’. I wasn’t straight out happy when I found out, I actually cried because I couldn’t understand it. How could I have fallen in love with Lu Han? And to make it worse; it wasn’t just a crush, it was love. I loved him, but I could never tell anyone that, not even him. When I’d thought about it for a while, I found out that I was never going to mention it for anyone. No one should know I had feelings for the Chinese, doe eyed boy. No one.

In the confusion of thoughts, feelings and anxiety, I found Ara and apologized for my weird behavior. It seemed like she forgave me and let me eat lunch with her and her friends. This all happened before Lu Han came back.

I became really good friends with Ara again in a short amount of time. We were going to go on some kind of date – a double date – after school had ended the day Lu Han came back to school.

I only noticed the boy when we’d already left the school grounds. He’d yelled my name, I heard him clearly, but I ignored him. Ara also noticed Lu Han yelling after me. She smiled when she noticed I didn’t turn around and eventually grabbed my hand and got closer to me. Everything was slowly turning back to normal; the way it used before Lu Han sat his foot on the school ground for the second time.

I had a great day, a great Friday. We went karaoke-ing and had fun. Ara had obviously forgiven me because she flirted with me like crazy. Every time she caught my gaze with hers, she smiled cutely. She sat flush against me in the karaoke room we stayed in. It was comfortable and of course it was fun, but my mind constantly went to think about Lu Han. The beautiful boy who had captured my heart, but it’s wrong to be anything else but friends with a boy when you’re a boy. For me it’s wrong, but I’m okay with other boys dating other boys, they just shouldn’t date me.

We ended the double date with a picture taken from a photo booth. Me and the other boy – whom I never got the name of – just stood on the side and watched how the girls decorated the picture.

“This is life, isn’t it?” he suddenly asked. This was the first time we’d spoken to each other through the entire date.

“I’m not sure I totally get what you’re going at,” I tried not to sound rude, but it probably came out rudely.

“Look at what’s in front of you.” I did and saw Ara and the other girl. They smiled at each other and exchanged ideas. They made me smile. “Could this life get more perfect? I mean, we’re one a date with two beautiful girls and we don’t have to worry about anything. It’s all just wonderful.”

The other male was right. This was how it should be. Me dating girls, liking girls. That’s how it’s supposed to be. Not me who’s playing with the thought of dating another boy. That’s wrong. The idea should never have popped up in my head. The best thing would be if Lu Han had never showed up in front of my eyes, but that was a little too late now.

But I’d made a decision: I would never in my life date Lu Han. Not even if he liked me back. I don’t want to be called ‘freak’, ‘’ or any of those other demeaning words. It will never happen. Never. I’m positive, it won't.