A Letter of Missing

SHINee

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Chapter number 2!

GO!

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September 23, 2012 Sunday

It’s my birthday today… It’s the first one that I’ve spent without you since I’ve met you. I’m kind of surprised that I’ve actually made it this long without having a full breakdown.

Oh, I had a dream last night. I dreamed that you woke me up for my birthday with a kiss and breakfast in bed. You even burned the toast like always. The oatmeal was watery too, just like you always make it. I could even smell the smoke from the kitchen.

I feel like I’m getting better but Manager Hyung gave me the day off. He says it’s because it’s my birthday but really it’s because I can’t work. I think that I’m getting better but it’s really slow… and it’s only at home. On shows where I have to dance and get to act like a fool, the only thing I can do it sit there and watch. Occasionally I clap along to the music but even then it’s just out of habit. Whenever I’m on a show the only think I can think of is that I have to go back to an empty house. Sure the other members are there but it’s just not alive as it used to be.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve died and the only thing left is my hollow shell. My body is there but my mind isn’t. Everything someone tells me goes in one ear and out the other.

You should be proud of me though. Last night after our schedule, when we got back to the dorm, I didn’t call out for you. I managed to cook dinner, eat it, take a shower, and climb into bed, without crying. I lost it when I looked at your empty bed though.

I’m sorry but I just couldn’t hold it back anymore. I sobbed for the entire night.

Did you know that your bed is still not made? I won’t let Onew or Taemin make it. Seeing it all messy lets me think that you were there and I just didn’t see you. It gives me hope that I’ll see you again one day.

They played your song on the radio too. You know the one, Wheesung’s Insomnia. Minho turned it off though before I could cry.

You should be proud of Taeminnie too. He’s really grown up. Our little baby is becoming a man Joongie, he’s really growing up. He’s more caring, he takes a lot of the responsibility around the dorm, and he even cleans up on his own without me telling him to. I think one day he is going to take Onew’s leader position.

I’m kind of thankful that he does a lot of the chores because whenever I do them I start to cry. Honestly, I think that Taeminnie only does them because he doesn’t want to see me cry. He’s really sweet like that.

Joongie, are you watching from wherever you are?

Sometimes I can hear you telling me to get over you but I can’t. I know the other members are getting tired of me crying at night and keeping them up but I can’t help it.

They tell me that I am over reacting but they are just under reacting. I can’t believe they haven’t shed a single tear yet. I know because I have been with them 24/7. They think that I am going to try and harm myself but I haven’t gotten to that point… yet…

Maybe tomorrow will be the day.

Joongie, where are you?