A Letter of Missing

SHINee

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So this is just something that popped into my head as I was trying to write for my other stories. I tried to ignore it but this was the only things that I could think of.

So, here it is. Three chapters in one day and it’s complete.

Enjoy!

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September 22, 2012 Saturday

I didn’t mean to sleep in late… I didn’t mean to sleep past my alarm… I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to Onew and get up when he told me to… If I had gotten up you still would be here.

You didn’t wake me up though before you left. You got ready all on your own without making a sound. You walked out the door without letting anyone know. You just left without a note, without a call, without telling anyone.

What were you thinking?

I keep thinking what if? What if you had woken me up and told me you were going out? I might have gone with you. I might have delayed you for just a minute. What if it wasn’t raining? What if the sun was shining? Either way, you’d still be here.

The other members say to forget about you but I just can’t. They keep telling me that I should stop thinking about you and just focus of work but I can’t. Everything I do reminds me of you. Your toothbrush next to mine in the holder in the morning, your bed right next to mine as I lay there at night, your clothes that I have to fold and put away when I do the laundry: everything is you.

Do you know that I still make 5 plates for dinner? I refuse to make four. Onew says it’s a waste of food but I just can’t bring myself to make one less. That would mean I accept you’re gone. I still have your dinner in the refrigerator. All three plates since dinner on Wednesday are there. It’s going to stay there until you come back.

I don’t know how the other members can smile on shows when they know you’re gone. Every time I smile, even if I force it, I feel my heart breaking into even smaller pieces.

Do you think that if I wait long enough my heart won’t be able to break anymore? The pieces will be too small to break. Do you think that when that happens that pain won’t be there anymore?

The light that I used to have, it’s gone now. You took it with you when you left. Actually you took all the light with you. The sky isn’t as bright as I remember it to be. The moon and the stars seem to be gray instead of white. The sun doesn’t even seem to shine. The world is just so dark without you.

Please come back. I keep thinking that I feel your hand in mine as I walk down the street. I get so happy but when I turn there is nothing, no one, the only thing next to me is air. When I wash the dished I still feel you hug me from behind. I feel you kiss my neck. I feel my hand sting as I remember slapping you for not letting me finish the dishes.

Everything I do reminds me of you and now the only thing I have are those memories.

I don’t want memories of you, I want you. I don’t want memories of use from the past. I want to make new memories.

You’re coming back right Joongie?