A Letter of Missing

SHINee

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3과… 가자!

고고 고고!

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September 24, 2012 Monday

I lost it today… We were in the middle of a show and Eeteuk Hyung said something that reminded me of you. I feel so bad because I started crying hysterically and they had to stop the show.

At first everyone though it was because what Teukie Hyung said was so funny but then they realized that I was really crying. Eeteuk Hyung thought it was his fault and it technically was but I don’t blame him. It’s all because I couldn’t hold it together.

Don’t get mad at me but the bottle of sleeping pills in the bathroom looks really tempting right now. I’m doing everything I can to not grab them all and swallow them in one go. You would think I was really weak if I did that. I don’t want you to see me as weak. I did take some though.

I don’t remember how many I took but I think it was maybe 6 or 7. I don’t remember. Everything in my memory after I took them is fuzzy.

It felt good to take them though. My body was all tingly. It was almost like you and I were doing it. I felt so good. I’m sorry though… the cup you use when you brush your teeth… I accidentally broke it. I didn’t mean to but when I fell and my head hit the counter it just happened to be right there.

Please don’t tell the others. They still don’t know that I took the pills. They think that the bottle is missing because we accidently used it all and forgot to get a new one. Please just let me keep it. I promise I won’t overdose, I just want to feel good like when we are together.

Minho yelled at me today too. He said I was being stupid and I should get forget you and move on. I kept yelling at me that I was blowing everything way out of proportion.

Don’t be mad at me but I punched him.

I didn’t mean to but I just got so mad that he was telling me to forget about you. He just doesn’t know how hard it is for me. I just can’t flip a switch in my mind and forget about you. You are my mind. If I forget you I am nothing. I have nothing.

You are my everything.

Jonghyun, I’m so tired…

Please, please take me with you…