Story Title: Krasivaya [it means 'beautiful' in Russian.]

Author: PeculiarSowon

Summary [As given by the author]: How a person could change drastically when she is on the brink of death.

Plot: 7/10

Yoona is growing displeased with the world, despite Jongin's best efforts to cheer her up as she slowly dies.

The plot is a nice idea, however there were a lot of holes in it. For one thing, I didn't understand why Yoona was dying. Was she sick? Was she starving herself? You never actually said it in the story, so it confused me.

Character Development: 6/10

The characters were quite flat in this story, which didn't help engage me. Basically all I can see is Yoona's acting like a robot and Jongin's trying to help her, but I couldn't really feel for either one of them. Was it sad? Somewhat. But the characters didn't make me feel for them.

Spelling+Grammar: 3/10

I was extremely displeased with the vocabulary you used for this story. In this story, you seem to use a lot of 'big words,' but you don't really know the meaning, nor do you know how to properly use them.

The grammar was also fairly atrocious, as you did not properly change between singular and plural forms, nor did you stick to one past or present tense. I actually have no idea which you were trying to write in.

For example, in the first paragraph:

"[Yoona] exuded no shaft of light as she always been; she grew dim... For Kim Jongin, it was like a deviation, of witnessing a sunflower wilting slowly, but sure."

First of all, I have no idea what you're trying to say in the first part. Perhaps you were trying to insinuate that Yoona used to be a bright person; however when you phrase it by using 'shaft of light,' all I can think of is Dragon Ball Z. Second, when you say "For Kim Jongin, it was like a deviation," it does not work in the sentence. I understand that you're trying to say that Jongin is noticing the change in Yoona's behavior, but using the word 'deviation' makes the sentence seem extremely awkward.

One proper way to write this (as I am assuming you are writing in past tense):

"She exuded no light as she always had; she grew dim... For Kim Jongin, it was a drastic change, like witnessing a sunflower wilting slowly but surely."

See how the second version flows much more smoothly than the first?

You also put spaces between a lot of your punctuation marks, which you are not supposed to do. There should only be spaces after the punctuation. Examples:

Incorrect: " dialogue "
Correct: "dialogue"

Incorrect: Question ?
Correct: Question?

Layout: 9/10

In my opinion, it would have been better to separate the two parts into different chapters, but I suppose that's more of a matter of opinion. I think it would have helped to provide a better 'break' in between those parts, though.

Overall Opinion: 4/10

This story... it was a headache to read. The plot had potential, as I do agree that society had major problems and I could empathize with Yoona, but other than that, there really wasn't anything I liked about this story. I'm not terribly fond of idolxidol stories, so that didn't really score any extra points either. Even though it was short, I found it extremely difficult to read.

Final Grade: 60%—D-

If you want to check out this story, you can find it here.