[Review] By KMLZee
Love Pain
Title: 4/5
I liked the title. I don't think I saw a title like this before. SHINee has a song called Love Pain. LOL The title was very eye catching. It grabbed my attention but it seemed a bit too plain to me.
Forward/Description: 7/10
The starting sentence was good but I thought there would be more. I thought you could have put more detail in the characters you were introducing. The "You?" Part made me a bit confused but I think I knew what you were doing. The "you" is supposed to be unknown right?
It was interesting on how you planned it out. It made me want to read on. Some how the plot kind of seems like Ouran High School Host Club to me, not fully. Just the concept felt like it but overall it was unique. The title and the forward/Description go well together.
Poster: 4.5/5
The poster was pretty. I think it holds more information then it looks like. As the description said "Though they had been friends for so long, what will happen to their friendship when a love triangle gets in between them?" Now I know who are in the love triangle from what I saw from the poster. Overall it did have the same concept as the title and so on. I wanted to see something a bit more eye grabbing. The background was great as well but on the side where the chapters were, I couldn't really see. So it was a bit of a pain to me.
Plot: 17.5/20
In some parts were a bit awkward but I think the plot was well done. It certainly made me keep reading. The conflicts and events were very interesting. The story and the main characters are developing very well. They aren't stuck in one place.
Writing: 10/15
I noticed that when you wrote you didn't space after someone said something. The sentences were all bunched up. When quotations are used and another after, then you still space. For example.
"All Dayday, every Dayday. "
My mom giggled.
"We got nothing on you girl. " Daniel added.
I blushed.
"Wait, " My mom started. "why do you all look, like, the same?"
"Not me!" Youngwon added.
"All Dayday, every Dayday," My Mom giggled.
"We got nothing on you girl," Daniel added, I blushed.
"Wait," My Mom started. "Why do you all look, like, the same?"
"Not me!" Youngwon added.
I also noticed your form of writing was almost like poetry form. Do you write poetry? Why do you put your sentences in different lines? That was very interesting to me.
On chapter two, it got harder to read. All the quotations were all bunched up again.
"Whaaaaat?" Dayday said. Instead of doing that you can do this.
"What?" Dayday asked, making the 'a' trail out. (Then you could explain how he looked like when he said the words or how the 'you' was feeling or seeing)
Love Pain by 3milyJoy
"EM! Wait up!" I heard from behind me.
I turned around even though I knew who it was.
"Hi Daniel." I said as I gave him a hug. "What are you doing here?"
"You didn't think I was gonna let you walk home alone right?"
"Well,"
"You know there's all kinds of freaks out here. And they're not getting my best
friend. No sir."
"You're so crazy."
"But you love it." he said as he put his arm around me.
[this is how it's supposed to feel. normal and fun. He really is my best friend)
"Okay, what is the real reason you're walking me home?"
"To make sure you're okay. Em, you know you can talk to me about anything
right?"
"Yeah I know. But it just seems weird that I don't have any girlfriends."
"I understand. But you're not going to find any when you're looking for some.
They have to find you."
"Yeah. I get you."
Suddenly an awkward silence fell between us.
"Okay. I can tell you anything right?"
He nodded.
"You have to promise not to tell ANYone. "
"Cross my heart."
I explained my situation.
Paradise Dorm by KMLZee & Babiesaurus
Innocent eye
“I’m your MC Lee Chung Hee and Welcome to Paradise dorm! Where 12 contestants and their partners fight to the end. What a dream to be with your favourite idol and stay in the same dorm. Are you excited!?” The MC yelled that ringed in everyone’s ears. Everyone yelled with excitement. They all roared for more and happiness. The MC walked toward ChaeRi which got her nervous. Including she was closest.
“Hello what’s your name?” Chung Hee asked the girl.
“I’m Ahn ChaeRi.” I replied.
“Why are you here?” He smiled but with a bigger grin. He wanted to make a show more interest because that’s what a MC does.
“I’m here because I wanted to see Mir oppa and be on the show?” ChaeRi half asked.
“If you didn’t get Mir who would you have picked instead?” He asked another question.
“Aren’t you the MC why are you asking me so much questions?” ChaeRi asking a bit angry.
“That’s simple I’m the MC. Aren’t you a cute little thing?” The brown haired MC laughed. “Let the first challenge begin!”
“By now the contestants and their partners should know each other. This challenge is called Guess who this belongs to!” The MC yelled with excitement. “The person who doesn't know their partners will enough will be leaving for the first round. What sad fate don’t you viewers think? Let’s begin.” The MC walked around the stage props.
Do you see the difference between the two stories?
To my conclusion, I think you need to use space. Where it should be needed. Don't make your writing all bunched up/close together because it's hard to read. I loved how it was colour coded to the POV's. Instead of putting POV, the paragraphs were colour coded to the person.
Spelling/Grammar: 12/20
There were a few mistakes in the forward page. Bestfriends are two words. (Best friends) Oh and remember Mom and Dad are always capitalized. They are as important as first names. There were also some awkward sentences. Remember to use the right words. Everyone makes mistakes I even make them so don’t feel down. =)
Ending: -/5
There was no ending to mark.
Characterizations: 11/15
In the first two chapters the main character was unknown. She had no name and it kind of made me wonder a lot. Then later on she was, Em. I thought that it was her name but then Daniel said Emily. So as the chapters goes on Emily is being more known. I haven’t seen more to Emily yet but already she is different. I want to see more of what Emily thinks and how she reacts to situations. Emily isn’t a ‘Mary sue’ and that’s great to see.
Flow: 5/5
I thought the flow of the story was steady and had a good pace. It wasn’t confusing.
Enjoyment: 5/10
I really did enjoy this story. Like I said in this section it wont get a zero nor perfect score. Things I thought were very creative and awesome! XD
1. I loved how you explained why your paragraphs were colour coded. (A legend is always great to show what your doing so it doesn’t confuse your reader.)
2. The text messages idea was awesome. Very creative. I would like to see more of that.
3.You got a new subscriber ;)
Total Result: 76/100
KMLZee has a few words to say: I don’t have much to say here. Things I think you should improve on is to focus on your paragraphs, where to start a new paragraph, and where to end a paragraph.
Be careful with your sentences also. I think using metaphor’s make a story more greater. So I suggest you try to use them and be more detailed as well. Be as creative as you are now and think up new ways to impress people.
A tip I suggest is to read over your work before updating. When I update I always re-read before I put it up. When I see something that needs to be changed I change it.
Other tip is to read a lot of books. Reading more fills your brain with more information on how to write. You can see how every author writes and makes their writing enjoyable. Reading other people on AFF can help you to. It makes your writing “grow” but don’t plagiarize.
I hope this helps you. ^_^
I am extremely happy with this review.
And I agreed with just about everything she said.
1. I need to fix the description. In the begining, this story was supposed to have you(the reader) in it. But as the story went on, I realized it would be easier to use my name (emily) in the story. I forgot to change the forward and the characters.
2. About the little discription about the characters; I didin't want to say too much, and I wasn't actually sure where they were going.
3. Sorry about the background and the chapter links. >> But there is a drop down menu at the top for a reason (:
4. Concerning the, "All Dayday, every Dayday. "
My mom giggled.
I should put, "All Dayday, every Dayday." David said.
My mom giggled.
Day day actually said that part. Haha.
And I see what you mean as to how I should space my paragraphs.
5. I knew I was going to get low marks on spelling, I at that crap.
6. I'm glad you enjoy my story.
Credit for Main&Background Images::
Kris from Playful Melody (<--clicky click)
:D
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