Title (4/5)

I think the title was actually very fitting-I mean from what I gathered the girl was living in a one-sided love, where Kris had no clue who she was or about her existence at all. So in her little world her heart didn’t breakeven. I don’t think it gave away too much information at all-but sadly I don’t think it is too eye catching. When people are scrolling down the tags they want something that simply jumps out at them and sadly Break even doesn’t really do that.

Description/ Foreword (5/10)

Sadly I don’t really think the foreword is really attention grabbing unless you absolutely love The Script. So I think you could still keep the lyrics there but kind of add little things in between to add some tension and excitement to it-making the reader want to read on.

How do you move on when you lost your greater half?

                                    “What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?”

How do you keep yourself from falling apart when all I had was you?

                                    “What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay?”

That is just an idea-and it’s probably really crappy-but maybe doing something similar to that would make it just a bit more intriguing without giving away too much of the actual plot. Besides the fact that it wasn’t too eye catching-I personally think it was great. The set up was beautiful and also I am a fan of The Script so I was kind of excited to read this oneshot of yours.

Characters (8/10)

I personally love it when the character is just a bit of their rocker. Mainly because I think it is a bit more relatable than the characters that are so perfect to the point that they are utterly boring and plain. I was going to say something about character development but this is a oneshot so there isn’t really room for that. I really think you kind of portrayed her insanity and want for love perfectly-I loved Soeun’s character, though we only got to see about 50% of her personality. But either way I liked it.

Plot (16/20)

I do believe your plot was unique in a way that I haven’t ever read a book or fanfic on here like it. I think it has the potential to be very interesting but I think you kind of held back with the description and the true emotions of the text-kind of taking away from the sincerity and impact of the whole story. I also loved how the plot can literally be interpreted in different ways based on how the reader thinks. Like for me I interpreted it as a girl who was so in love with the idea of falling in love that she fantasized about Kris and how they had this perfect relationship that was nonexistent. I think it was truly beautiful in that sense-that it could mean a multitude of different things.

Grammar (10/20)

I think you are good on forming sentences and where to put comas and periods. But your problem is in the wording of everything. You seemed to have a very awkward syntax and it made reading certain parts a bit uncomfortable.

“The room suddenly felt icy cold and loneliness was overflowing. Everything were icy blue…Even Soeun’s heart turned icy and her mood was blue.”

A better way to write this sentence is “The room was suddenly ice cold, loneliness seeped through the cracks and crevices surrounding her in an overwhelmingly somber blue. Everything was suddenly cold, so cold. Even Soeun felt her heart shiver with an icy burn, and her vision enshroud with a solemn blue.”

See the difference? It flows better, and it has a more emotional tinge to it giving the words more impact. Also you seem to have the same problem that other writers on here seem to have, which is constantly confusing your tenses. You kept alternating between past tenses and present tenses.

Like in this sentence:” She paused the video and blinked back the tears that were forming.”

You went from two past tense verbs to a present tense verb-a better way to write this sentence would’ve been: “She paused the video and blinked back the tears that had formed.”

I also noticed that you used ‘were’ a lot when you were supposed to sue the word ‘was’ instead. You only use ‘were’ when you are referring to more than one person or more than one subject. You use ‘was’ when it is a single individual or one object that you are referring to. Also you did misspell a couple of things like ‘ambulance’ the first time you wrote it. I honestly think you also could’ve added a lot more depth to the text and story if you used more description-and more elaborate words. Instead of the usual generic words that are seen almost everywhere. If you are looking for a more complex word for something just look up synonyms of the word you are thinking of-tons of suggestions will come up-but once again you have to make sure you are using them properly, just to avoid creating more sentences with awkward syntax.

Flow (6/10)

I think you skipped around a bit too much-but at the same time it kind of fit the story and the main character. She seemed erratic and a bit unstable so it was fitting but also a bit unsettling. Also the beginning part of the story was kind of unneeded we didn’t really need to hear about Luhan or her going grocery shopping.

Visual Things (15/15)

I think you decorated this story beautifully. With the little flowers, the poster was great and I honestly had no issues with your story in this area.

Ending (7/10)

I think the ending was beautiful and haunting-but like I said in the grammar section-I think you could’ve used more description and more intense words. To give it more of an impact, I love how it kind of left people confused and hanging. It left me curious and wanting to know more, but then again a bit sad because I knew it was over. The only problem is like I said it wasn’t as descriptive and as hard hitting as I think you wanted it to be.

Extra Comments:

I honestly thought this oneshot had a great plot and I think you along with this oneshot have great potential. I mean the whole time I was reading it I loved it but at the same time I felt like it was missing something-depth. You need much more description and better word placement for this story as well as your writing in general to improve tenfold. I really think you overall did well and hope this helps a lot.

Total (71/100)

Breakeven

Thanks so much for requesting at my shop!

I hope the review helps you with your future writing

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