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A/N: Lol, I'm a failure at life and poster making. I hope you like this! ...Off to make first place's poster...tomorrow :D

--le Review

Title: 3/5

Okay, I am very hesitant about this. I can definitely see the relation between the word “divenire” and your story. I just… can’t see the complete picture. I’m aware that Jongup is “different” from everyone, that he doesn’t fit in, but I don’t see how he’s trying to “become.” He doesn’t seem to want to become one of “them”—them being the society. He seems to want them to accept him as who he is, and to open their eyes and appreciate imperfection. But if there’s something else behind the title that I’m not picking up, do tell me, and I’ll change your score.

Grammar: 8/10

Very simple errors.

“He saunters into the washroom, passing the plain white walls that enclose him into the small cell.”

↓

“He saunters into the washroom, passing the plain white walls that enclosed him into the small cell.”

“The curves of his developed muscles stretches as he moves.”

↓

“The curves of his developed muscles stretch as he moves.”

“That’s what they had told him; that there was nothing wrong or different about him.”

↓

“That’s what they had told him—that there was nothing wrong or different about him.” Semicolons should be used when connecting two independent clauses.

“He only looked at the ruined and the destroyed—though they didn’t seem like that to him, he preferred to think of it as reincarnation; transforming something perfect into brittle pieces of the unwanted.”

↓

“He only looked at the ruined and the destroyed—though they didn’t seem like that to him; he preferred to think of it as reincarnation, transforming something perfect into brittle pieces of the unwanted.”

OR

“He only looked at the ruined and the destroyed—though they didn’tseem like that to him. He preferred to think of it as reincarnation—transforming something perfect into brittle pieces of the unwanted.”

And some other small minor mistakes. You can probably catch/fix them if you read through the story a few more times.

Plot: 23/25

I really don’t know what to give you as a score for the plot, since this story is pretty much undeveloped. Now, that’s not a bad thing. You did say that it was a drabble (although the length of it is too long to be a drabble) and that it was essentially plot-less. Problems I did have with the storyline, as short as it was, was probably the date and the note from his mother. You never did specify what that date was, so the reader is left to speculate. There’s a link between the 26^th and Haerin, but it’s almost as if there’s a hole left in the chain. Regarding the note from his mother, I don’t see how it fits into the plot. Perhaps it was to emphasize the seemingly ideal life that Jongup led and despised. If you have time, do post an explanation in the comments or PM it to me.

Originality: 15/20

I can’t say this is the first time I’ve read a story that was about a certain person being at the outskirts of society, shunned by everyone else. In fact, that is probably one of the more “famous” plots on AFF and in the fanfiction world in general. However, hip-hop as “rebellious” and not mainstream? That’s different. Haerin’s appearance, though not unseen in other stories, was also somewhat shocking, because she wasn’t just a ray of sunlight in Jongup’s world, but rather another bit of imperfection that he loved. She wasn’t everything he needed, and she definitely wasn’t a symbol of permanence or normality. That just seemed to set your story apart.

Characterization: 15/15

Once again, since your story is a drabble, I really shouldn’t be grading you on characterization. Two thousand words, and what can I say? I can see quite a clear picture of both Jongup and Haerin, an amazing feat for such a short story.

Flow: 13/15

Probably the only problem I had was with your jump from the first part of the story to the second. I’m aware that the first part was to introduce Jongup and possibly the colorless, austere life he leads. However, the sudden transition left me a tad surprised, since the beginning was quite slow-paced.

Writing Style: 9/10

I cannot say how much I love your writing style. You have a firm grasp on what you want, and the writing itself is just beautiful and almost romantic in a way. As I’ve mentioned before in my commentary on your contest submission, your writing falls between symbolism and simple prose. The fact that the style in both stories are terribly similar shows that it is consistent and that’s the first step in having a good writing style. Something you may want to improve on is your sentence structures, as they are a tad repetitive.

For example:

“He slams his fist on top of the contraption, effectively shutting up the high-pitched…”

&

“Jongup drags himself out of bed, successfully heaving his heavy feet…”

Do you see the similarity in the two sentences? They are placed subsequently, one after another, and that may seem tiresome to some readers.

Another example is:

“He rubs his eyes roughly, feeling his nails tear into the skin…”

&

“He saunters into the washroom, passing the plain white walls…”

Your organization of the story is very unique, as you don’t have any long passages. Although I prefer longer paragraphs, I’m assuming that this is a stylistic thing, so I don’t have anything to say about it.

Once again, I have to say I love your descriptions, especially that of the park and of Jongup’s dancing. Dancing put into words has got to be the most awkward thing ever, but you managed to make it so beautiful and so realistic. All of your sentences are so detailed, and they just bring to focus what normally would’ve been missed.

I also love the fact that Haerin is a symbol for imperfection and everything Jongup loves. Rarely, do I read fanfiction where authors bother to even symbolize anything, since they are much too focused on plot. His love for Haerin ties the entire story up nicely, especially with your last sentence.

“Because it was true, Jongup did love the unlovable.”

I loved it. It was beautiful.

Total: 86/100

Comments:

Because I love this story so much, let me make a compilation of my favorite sentences/quotes from this story:

1. “In the austerity of his surrounding, the blinding light that shines through his windowpanes, his curtains drawn out in a terrible façade to hide his corrupted interior, Jongup works his way through endless streams of his daily routines.”
2. “They are ignorant fools, blinded by their own perceptions of beauty and elegance. But Jongup is a fool, too. For he is never his own, simply a player in the game of society.” Game of society. Is that genius or what?
3. “They fit snugly on his feet, the price tag still attached—in case Jongup encountered a day when he could not keep them anymore.”
4. “He walks down the stairs with his head held high in confidence, though he still makes sure that his footsteps make no sound.”
5. “He only looked at the ruined and the destroyed—though they didn’t seem like that to him, he preferred to think of it as reincarnation; transforming something perfect into brittle pieces of the unwanted.”
6. “Jongup almost wants to catch up with her, to hold her hand as they walk forward and embrace the probability of their imminent death.”
7. “For only he can show everyone that in their plain and heartless decline, they fail to see the beauty of the unbeautiful.” Plain and heartless decline. Oh my god, someone help me.

Any questions/comments, please either comment below or PM me :D