There’s no escaping the concerned glances of my co-workers. They stare at me as if expecting me to spontaneously combust right here at my cubicle. Just because I’m having a meltdown on the inside doesn’t mean I’m any less composed on the outside.

My reflection in the blank screen of my computer begs to differ. I’m all lifeless eyes, a bleak frown, and pale skin. Compared to my usual impeccable self I look like a disaster. It takes the irritating woman that’s always hitting on me to point out that my computer might work better if it was . I frown as I realize that I don’t know how long I sat there beforehand.

There are pictures of the two of us that decorate my desk. In one taken two years ago we’re pointing to something out of frame as we ride up the ski lift together. In another you’re leaning against me in your sleep at the public library while I study for my econ final that was taken five months after we first met. The last one brings tears to my eyes. We’re covered in flour and cake batter in our kitchen after a failed attempt to make our own anniversary dinner that ended up in a food fight. Was it really only half a year ago that we were so happy? The past twelve days without you have felt like a lifetime.

Tracing over the photograph reverently, I find myself fixated on the blinding smile that lights up your face. Your hair is a hopeless mess sticking up in random places as bits of egg glue it together. There is a dusting of flour over your cheeks that I remember you playfully rubbing off on my shirt. My own face has a handprint made of chocolate frosting that you later off.

I don’t realize that tears are streaming uncontrollably out of my eyes until someone is gently wiping them away with a tissue. Snapping out of my agonizing memories, I am startled to see that the person is your sister kneeling beside me. In the whole time that she and I have worked in the same building she has never acknowledged my existence.

“You shouldn’t be doing this to yourself.” Her eyes are pleading but her tone is almost angry. “More importantly, you shouldn’t be doing this to him.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The sniffle that escapes half-way through makes it sounds less convincing than I’d hoped it would be.

“He’s not the same anymore. He tries to act like he’s fine, but it’s like he’s just a shell of who he used to be. It is all your fault so fix it.”

“Why do you even care? I thought we disgusted you.”

Her face reddens considerably and she won’t meet my eyes. She almost appears ashamed but that is a ridiculous thought. Since we started dating she has been nothing but rude to you even though you’ve always treated her like a princess. Your feelings didn’t matter to her before, so why should I believe that she cares now?

Almost as if I voiced my disbelief out loud she takes a deep breath and looks back up with determination. It reminds me of all the times I saw the same spark in your own brown eyes. I wish I could see you now.

“I was wrong, okay?  My parents raised me to think that men love women and women love men and anything else is immoral. I was shocked when my big brother said he was dating you. I felt betrayed. It was like I didn’t know him at all. But,” she pauses and grips my hands tightly between her own. “But now I know that I was the one that betrayed him. He is still the same person that put band-aids on my boo-boos and gave me his snacks on the playground if I forgot to bring my own. He’s the one that built snowmen with me in the winter and came to all my dance recitals when my parents couldn’t be bothered to do so. My brother is the only person in my life that I have always been able to depend on; I’m just sorry it took me so long to figure it out.”

Her eyes are glistening with unshed tears. I don’t want her to cry because I know that you wouldn’t want it. Awkwardly, I pat her head in what I hope is a reassuring manner. I don’t have a lot of experience comforting people. The inquisitive stares of my nosey co-workers are unwavering, but I could not care less right now. My mind is racing in an attempt to decide on what to do with the information that she just gave me; however, I quickly accept the fact that your sister’s approval isn’t enough to repair all the damage that I’ve caused.

“You should be telling your brother this. It’s none of my business now.”

“Yes it is! He’s a ghost, a puppet just going through the motions of everyday life. He doesn’t laugh or smile. He looks like he hasn’t eaten or slept in days. I want my brother to be happy and that means the two of you being together. Don’t you understand?” She punctuates her question with a slap to the side of my head. I blink in confusion.

“Understand what?”

She stares at me with wide eyes like she can’t believe how stupid I am. It frustrates me. I feel as if I’m on the brink of discovering something important, something life changing. It’s dancing around the edge of my thoughts, but I can’t grasp it. I need her to say it.

“Understand what?” I repeat desperately.

“He loves you. Breaking up with him has hurt him more deeply than anything else in his life. For him this is worse than our father’s anger or our mother’s disappointment. Worse than my own cruel words,” she blushes in shame but continues on strongly. “My brother has willingly given up everything for you without a second thought because you are all that he needs.”

“Wha-”

My jaw drops open in shock. I feel as if I’ve been hit by a freight train. The hair rises on my arms and an excited chill runs down my spine. For a second I feel so lightheaded that I worry that I might faint.

All this time I thought that I was helping you. I thought that letting you go would make you happier. I thought I was being selfless for once in my life, but this whole time I’ve only been thinking about myself. I didn’t take your thoughts on the matter into consideration at all. I figured that you didn’t really love me even though you’ve said that you did every day since our eighth date. You were supposed to easily move on to someone new. But now I see what I’ve been blind to, and I feel like the dumbest person to ever live.

You need me just as much as I need you.

It feels like God himself is smiling down at me as I leap from my seat.

“Stupid doesn’t even begin to cover what I am. Thank you!” I crush your sister into a hug before darting to the elevator.

I will get you back.

I will finally tell you how much you mean to me.

I will make you happy.

*****

A/N: One more chapter to go. Will the end be happy or not?