There are things that I need to tell you. Things that I should have told you a long time ago, actually. It’s not as if these feelings are new because they’re not. The first time that I met you I knew, but how could I have said it then?

You were kind enough to show me how to get to the library without making fun of my complete inability to read a map. You laughed at my corny jokes despite the awkwardness of the situation. Leading a complete stranger through Seoul’s busy streets with a contagious smile and an infectious laugh is not something a lot of people would have done. I wouldn’t have done it if the situation was reversed. But then again, you’ve always been a better person than me.

I was afraid that I’d scare you away with my feelings or that you’d hear what I had to say and think I was weirdo. So I held it inside which was easier than it should have been because I’ve always been selfish. As long as I was comfortable it was simple to ignore the fact that you might not be.

These words that have been piling up on my tongue for years now suffocate me when I think I finally have the courage to voice my thoughts.  It’s pathetic that it takes something like this to convince me to be brave.

There is a desperation crawling though my veins as your distant gaze peers at me calmly. It’s like you don’t even see me standing here in front of you and I can’t help but miss the way it used to be. Can’t help but wish for the time when your eyes lit up when you glanced my way. The way your arms were always opened in a permanent invitation for comfort and warmth. The safety and peace that I’ve only ever felt in your embrace.

You gave me everything. I have no illusions as to just what you had to sacrifice for us to be together despite your attempts at secrecy. You are ever the martyr.

I know that your father disinherited you when you refused to marry his boss’ daughter. I know that your mother hasn’t spoken to you since the day that you explained why you wouldn’t marry Kim Jaemin or any girl. Ever. Your precious baby sister and your childhood best friend only address you with thinly veiled insults and not at all veiled condescension. The life that you had lived up until you moved in with me is gone, completely and irreparably. 

And now you regret it.

A pained gasp echoes around the room in the silence that has become routine between us. It takes me a moment to realize that the sound came from me. The walls feel like they are closing in and moving apart at the same time.  Trapping me and yet pushing you impossibly further away with every heartbeat. It’s terrifying and nauseating, and I hate it.

The faraway look leaves your face for a split second as your eyes train on me at the noise. A kneejerk reaction left over from the time when you cared. But that was before you came to your senses and realized that I’m not worth it. You lose interest almost as quickly as it came, and then you are back to peering at me like I’m a particularly boring infomercial and you’re about to change the channel to something more interesting any moment.

What can I say to make this right?  What can I DO?!

I’m about to lose you. I know I deserve it for all the times that I let you down. For all the phone calls that I ignored, dates that I missed, and kind words that I never returned. You showered me in affection with both words and actions. What have I ever done for you?

Nothing.

I can’t remember a time when I gave you a gift or initiated a kiss. I haven’t ever told you how much you mean to me because I’m a coward. Since the first day we met, my feelings have always been held tightly in check. They have been boiling just under the surface of my skin, mocking me with their depth and passion. I'm embarrassed by how much of my world revovles around you now, so I keep it a secret for only me to know. Because what if you don’t feel the same? What if, despite everything that you’ve said and done, you don’t love me? How do I survive then?

You huff quietly in something that is not quite annoyance because you can’t be bothered to feel much of anything for me anymore except a sort of resignation. There are faint lines around your mouth as your purse your lips. Another wounded sound tries to claw up my throat. I haven’t seen you smile in so long that it’s hard to remember what your cheerful face looks like. Suddenly, I want it so badly that it’s all I can focus on. The way the corner of your mouth used to curve up, the perfect bow of your lips as a smiled brightly.

I want to make you smile and laugh. I want to kiss your lips and count your eyelashes. I want to bury my face in your neck and tangle my fingers in your hair. I want to make this right again. I want you to love me again.

But more than anything, I want you to be happy.

If I ask you to stay, would you? If I said that I need you, then would you forgive me?

I don’t know and that scares me, but there is a chance that you would.  There’s a moment when I think that I might see a flicker of longing cross your features, and it breaks me completely.

For the first time in my life, I’m not going to be selfish because there’s finally something that means more to me than myself.

“You should go.” My voice is unexpectedly steady, but I’ve grown pretty good at pretending over the years. Pretty adept at hiding what is real with an intricate mask of what is not.

You open your mouth as if to say something. To call me names? To say goodbye? There is a bittersweet sense of relief that both angers and calms me when you simply nod instead of voicing your thoughts. If you had asked for an explanation then I wouldn’t have been able to let you go. I would have caved in to my own selfishness and I would have begged and pleaded for you to stay.

The pain is visible on your face, in the furrowed brows and deep frown, in the noticeable sheen of unshed tears gathering in your eyes. Despite your packed bags on the floor by your feet, you weren’t really expecting me to agree to this.

The fact that you are still letting me hurt you after all the times I’ve neglected you only steels my resolve even more. It’s killing me to do this, but it’s for the best, right? This is what will make you happiest in the long run won’t it?

You carry your bags to the door without a backwards glance. I think that I can see hesitation in your steps and I am barely able to resist running to you.

My nails are digging little crescent moons into my palms. I think they might even be bleeding but I can’t feel the pain. My control is slipping by the second. Each step you take feels like ice seeping into my veins leaving only pins and needles in its wake.

You finally turn to me, your hand on the knob as you prepare to put the last barrier between us. Your face is completely blank which is at odds with the way you were only moments ago. When did you learn to do that? Is it because of me? Did I make you learn to hide what you feel?

“I wish I’d never met you.” And then you are gone.

The quiet words echo around the room. They bounce off the walls and tangle with the sound of the door clicking shut. They weave together into a symphony of misery that only seems to amplify by the second until it's all I can hear.

In shock, I find myself standing at the door. I can’t remember moving. My grasp on reality seems to have disappeared completely. How long has passed? Seconds? Hours?

I punch the white wooden door until I notice streaks of red. I can’t feel the pain in my bloody knuckles because of the overwhelming agony that seems to be permeating every fiber of my being. Loud sobs manage to escape. Screams and pleads invading the silence around me, but it’s too late now. You’re not here to listen.

You’re not here.

I slide to the floor, my forehead pressed to the door and tears soaking everything around me. I feel like I’m drowning. I am so lost in my despair that I don’t realize that I’ve been chanting the same two sentences out loud until my throat burns.

“I’ve always loved you. I’ve always needed you.”

*****

A/N: When I started this, I was picturing Seunghyun and Jiyong. When I finished it today for some reason I kept imaging it as Jonghun and Hongki. I don't even know. I guess it can be whoever you want.