Rain
We're not perfect; We're just ordinary peopleThe sound of a dripping water stirred me out of sleep or maybe even just a daze of not knowing.
I wasn't even sure what was happening to me during the day, though I knew a lot of time had passed since I came home because the room was now engulfed in darkness.
I could feel the cold breeze on my skin as I slowly popped up on my elbow, looking at the widely opened window. The noise of water was coming from outside.
As I sat up, I looked around the dark room, noticing the closed box on the table. I wasn't sure how it got there and when I put it away but I was glad to see it closed. I was glad that the content was again sealed away.
I was glad to lock away the grotesque monster that I feared and hated. Just looking at it brought back the voices in my head and I could swear that I heard the roar echoing between the enclosed walls of the little box of pain. Gazing at it, hoping to burn it with my eyes, I weakly gave up as nothing happened. The box just stood there; motionlessly. Whispering - whispering obscure words unknown to my vocabulary, slowly pulling me closer and closer.
I pulled my burning eyes away, getting up quickly. Despite the darkness of the room, I could still get to the other side of the room without any trouble. I just had to get out. I had to leave the suffocating and heavy atmosphere that was present in the apartment.
-
Exiting, the cold air finally woke me up. The coldness was refreshing but I could still feel the stinging pain in my probably red and puffy eyes. I wasn't sure if I was crying. I couldn't remember the last time I cried.
After I was left alone in this world, I decided to stop feeling and caring. It was not worth the pain that awaited behind the joy and happiness. The pain I experienced was too much and I could never take that much pain again. I knew that going through it again would break me. No, it would destroy me.
So in order to protect myself; to protect my own existence I started to build a wall. A wall as high and strong as the Great Wall of China. I needed to protect that little what was left. I was afraid of the outside and the wall could provide me with the isolation from the world of pain.
I hated pain. I feared pain. I feared it more than anything and when I discovered that I can push away all my emotions and at that point nothing could hurt me - I didn't hesitate. I constructed the greatest wall and the greatest protection which gave me all I needed.
I swore to never hurt again, at least not as much as I did in my past.
However, there is always a flaw in even the greatest plan. Mine were stored memories. Sometimes those would come back to me and made me feel the pain. It still lingered between the high walls but as I had to fight off all the enemies from the outside, I could easily forget about the hidden shadows which lingered and waited for the right moment to destroy me.
Closing up, demolishing all emotions - it was something I new best and it was something that saved me.
-
I invaded the silent streets. Keeping away from the busy ones, I could start slowly repairing the damage done to the structure of the wall.
I could feel my body slowly relax on the cold. I liked the smell and the feeling that was left behind the rain. I regretted missing it but the moment I had after the rain was just enough.
It felt like all bourdons and sorrow were slowly washed away with the rain and everyone was entitled to a new and fresh start. I wished that could happen to me, but reality was different. Reality was dark and gloomy, sick and intertwined with pain. After years and countless rainy days, I was still stuck in the painful past and reality which haunted me by day and night. All I could do was hide behind the walls, build even higher and stronger barriers and hope that the monsters inside the thick and heavy stones would never wake up and decide to kill me from the inside.
The weather and empty streets helped me clear my head and I spend at least an hour walking aimlessly. I tried not to pay attention to the surroundings as I knew that something familiar could bring back unwanted memories. For a moment, I thought that maybe the best thing would be to move away and leave behind everything that could tie me down to the pain. Perhaps leaving would purify me and let me start a new and better life. But how was I supposed to do that…
Thinking about the day, it felt as if it was far away from me, lost somewhere in the past. Today's experience was surreal and with that thought I could calm down quickly.
-
I stretched my arms in the air, looking around. I was in the alley near the club where I used to hang out. I was glad as my apartment wasn't far. I felt good and I wanted to go back before something ruined the finally peaceful mood.
However, before I made it down the street, I noticed a figure appear on the other end, walking towards me. I couldn't make out the person but for some reason I could feel anxiety build up inside me. Especially as I saw the person sway across the narrow pathway, looking exactly like a drunk person.
I stopped and stepped to the side of the alley in hopes for the person to pass me without noticing my presence. I looked down at the still from rain soaked ground, burring my face in my jacket collar, trying to blend in with the shadows casted from the buildings around me. I waited for the person to finally made it's wobbly way up to the point where I was standing. A single weak street light casted a ray onto the drunk person and to my surprise I could recognise his face. It was Bang Yongguk.
I took a step backwards, trying to mould into the wall but I ended up stepping on something that made a laud sound. I cursed under my breath as I knew that my hiding spot was revealed.
I saw him turn and look in my direction. We locked gazes for a while and I was hoping that he didn't recognise me. There was a chance that he wouldn't as we never really met but I was sure that he saw me with Himchan.
“Hey, you!” His voice was raspy and worn out.
I wasn't sure how to respond. My brain was still sore from all the over-thinking and all the emotions that came out of nowhere during the awful day that I just barely survived. Was I supposed to face him or somehow run away?
I kept my gaze, examining his face as he squinted his eyes together, probably trying to steady his drunken vision. He wobbled around to get closer and to my luck he held his distance between us.
“You're Himchan's friend” he stated with slow words. I nodded.
“You're Daehyun right?!” he said eyeing me and I again nodded to which he frowned. His face changed in seconds, all the way from lost to confused, pained and in the end angry.
“You ing basterd!” he half yelled, suddenly moved towards me and pushed my shoulder with his from alcohol weak hand. I stumbled backwards slightly but kept my ground. I could feel anger rise inside me but I was still too emotionally drained to do anything; even to get really angry. I could feel that the rage rising inside me from his words and move were making me weak of energy and couldn't get weak in front of him.
”You in-” he tried to push me again but I ducked his arm which made him wobble towards the wall. Though, he quickly turned around and managed to catch the sleeve of my jacket.
“Why are you doing this to him” his words were somehow slow despite yelling and plain laud. It was irritating. Maybe even more than the fact that I had no idea what he was actually talking about.
“What the hell are you talking about?!” I hissed and tried to shake his grip off my clothes but he seemed to suddenly gain strength to his limbs. He was glaring at me and pulled me back so that I slammed with my back against the hard wall. He then pinned me down with one of his hands on my shoulder. I tied to free myself but couldn't. I could feel my body going weaker with every second so I just gave in to listen to what he had to say.
He didn't say anything for a while but I could see his lip twitching from time to time. He seemed pissed.
“Himchan” he said after the longest silence. His answer didn't make much sense and it just made me more confused.
“What about Himchan” I asked annoyed with the direction of the events.
“Why are you playing with him”
The more he spoke the less sense he made. I was left completely in the dark by his senseless words.
“I really don't know what you're talking about. I'm not playing with Himchan”
”You are! I know you two have some sick going on and you're following some sick rules or some ed up . But since he's not following the rules, you should stop playing with him. You're a sick person! A ing sadist.”
Calm down, breath in and out; was all that was on my mind.
“Look, Yongguk, I don't know what you mean. Himchan and I are totally fine and no one is playing”
“Don't you ing care at least a bit for him? You're selfish as to torture and break his heart like that!” his voice was getting stronger. He didn't seem that drunk anymore.
“Break his heart? And why the do you even care about him when you're the one that dumped him, broke his heart and replaced him with some kid”
He paused for a moment, looking at me in disbelief. After probably analysing my words he started to laugh hysterically, or grotesquely - either way degrading me and it made me feel uncomfortable.
“You really are clueless and probably plain stupid.” he laughed at my face. “You'd have to be blind not to notice and as it seems, you didn't” he shook his head in disapproval, muttering the word under his breath for a couple of times like a mantra.
A disgusting grin was placed on his face but there seemed to be pain inside his eyes as he looked back up, pressing me into the wall even harder.
“I don't know what the hell that boy told you but let me bring some light into your sick twisted world. Do you know why I dumped Himchan?” I shook my head. I decided not to speak as I wasn't sure if I could control my voice. I didn't know why he dumped Himchan and frankly, it was none of my business and I didn't give a about the reason behind it.
“I dumped him because he didn't love me. Scratch that, he did but in the same time he was in love with someone else. I bet that that person was his first love and he still clings to it so tightly that it's just sad and pathetic. And you know what the sad part is? I gave him everything and I did love him, I still do but he rather goes after the one that causes him pain and torture. You know, I waited for him, I did, but after months of distant gazes, the half hearted touches and mumbling or of someone else's name, it all get's too much. I have a ing heart as well. I can feel the pain as well! So to spear us both the torture I dumped him, but the pain… I really did love him and I tried to replace him after we broke up but I couldn't, not even with other guys, so in the end I just wanted to make him feel jealous because he didn't get what he wanted and I wanted him to think that I got what we both wanted. Love. And in the end, he was jealous but still he wouldn't give up on his stupid first love. He wanted both me and the other! He's a selfish and sick busters just like you!” he was yelling the last few sentences and anger started to build up in his eyes. I still wasn't sure why he was explaining all that melodrama to me but I couldn't get out of his grip. And honestly, the alcoholic gaze froze my muscles. I had enough of past emotions in my system from before and it was just too much like the days I already once lived through. So I just stood there. Still and emotionless to his emotional outburst.
“You're just as dumb and mental as we all are” I snorted, regretting my blunt words as he grabbed my face and shoved it into the rough surface of the wall behind me. I could feel the sharp and rather familiar pain spread across my face and my skin was burning from the friction. I was sure there was blood breaking through the damaged surface of my skin.
“Even if I am and even if he seems to love all things ed and broken he still chose to love you more than me.” his last words left me in daze as he put emphasis on the word you. I didn't respond as I was trying to process his unusual sentence but before I could say or ask him anything he let go of my face and disappeared without an explanation. Why was he saying that Himchan was in love with me?
“Yah!” I yelled after him but he was out of my sight. The only thing left were the echoes of my call. I wasn't sure how he could disappear so fast but he did and selfishly he left me with those thoughts.
I stood there for a little while, trying to take in what he said. He claimed that Himchan was in love with me but that was the most absurd thing I ever heard in my life - but was it?
No, Himchan was not in love with me. He never was. He never showed any kind of emotions - it was clear, he was not in love with me…
However, as much as I wanted to believe my own words there was this sudden huge burden on my shoulders. I couldn't shake away the shivers that came as the assailants last words echoed through my brain. His words were heavy and stuck with me. It was suddenly drowning me as I could see the last thing I had slowly drift away. As I said before, I was foolish to think that anything good could stick with me.
Himchan was the only thing left and I knew that his time would come, but I didn't imagine it like that.
Yongguk's words suddenly felt real and I couldn't help but believe him. Why would he made something like that up? I didn't trust people but for some reason I believed him.
I swallowed deeply, trying to keep my head straight and I finally noticed the thick liquid dripping down my face.
I was bleeding as expected. I pushed myself from the wall as I had to get from the street but before I could go, I felt my phone vibrate. Looking at the screen I saw the name I really didn't want to see in the moment. Himchan. It felt like a punch in my stomach and I felt betrayed. For some reason, I fully believed Yongguk's words.
So I just cancelled the incoming call and proceeded down the road.
I had to go down the main road for a while to get back to my apartment. From the looks which were directed in my direction I couldn't help but believe that I looked like . My face and clothed were probably dirty and covered in blood. The vision on one of my eyes was almost blocked by the red liquid. I groaned and tried to get through as fast as possible but as it seemed I didn't have any luck that day.
“Daehyun” I heard a familiar voice call. I paused in my tracks, sighing but still turned in the direction of the voice, only to face Youngjae and that Jongup boy. As much as I could see, they both wore a shocked face, only that Jongup added some disgust to the mix and Youngjae added worry. He stepped towards me in a quick pace.
“Daeyun are you okay? What happened?” he asked franticly looking at my face up close.
“I'm fine” I said with an annoyed voice, looking at the ground in hopes to hide the wounds.
However, to my dismay, things couldn't end just there as we were interrupted by another voice, the one I really didn't want to hear at that moment.
“Daehyun” Himchan's voice ripped thorough my ears and left me sick. He ran to us, from god know's where. I really had no luck.
“Daehyun what the hell happened and why did you ignore my calls!” he seemed angry and worried. I didn't want to see any emotions radiating from him but he seemed full of them. It only made Yongguk's words more real.
I didn't answer and the atmosphere grew thicker.
“You should go to the hospital.” suddenly Jongup broke the silence.
“No way. It's nothing. Just a scratch, hospitals are expensive.” I said irritated by them all. I didn't need anyone. They were the reason why I still couldn't escape the pain. If they all disappeared, maybe I could live a normal life. Maybe I could even feel happy at some point.
“He's right. You're hurt. Let's go home and I'll take care of you” Himchan suddenly said and grabbed my hand. I couldn't stop my reflexes and I jerked my hand away from his grip. A pained expression covered his face and it just made things harder for me. Suddenly, it really seemed like he could have some kind of feelings for me.
“I said I'm fine”
“No, Daehyun someone needs to take care of your wounds. You can't do it on your own.” now Youngjae finally voiced his thoughts. I couldn't really read his face but I knew that he was right.
I looked between he three, turning back to Youngjae.
“Fine, you'll come with me and help me” I said to him and could see shock on all their faces but I didn't care. Youngjae and Himchan were shocked and Jongup seemed shocked and angry. However, Youngjae was my only safe choice. Of course I couldn't choose Jongup as I didn't know him and he annoyed me for some reason; and as for Himchan, he betrayed me and stabbed me in the back. There was no way I could be around him at the moment.
“Oh, n-no I don't think that's a good idea.” Youngjae said, looking away.
I glanced at Himchan who seemed to be in pain because of my rejection and I liked it that way.
So I grabbed Youngjae's hand.
“Please” I was really pleading at that moment. I couldn't face Himchan just about now, even though I knew that it was cowardly. I didn't even know if Yongguk's words were true.
Youngjae hesitated for a moment and than turned to Jongup.
“I'm sorry Jongup but I really think I need to help Daehyun. I'll call you later ok?” he said with sad eyes, apologising. Jongup seemed disappointed but didn't say anything as he just nodded and smiled half-heartedly.
Youngjae returned him the small smile and after he turned to me. “Let's go.” he said and pulled me past still pained Himchan. The other two stayed behind and we left in the direction of my apartment.
We reached it in silence and it stayed that way even when we entered the bathroom where he took care of my face.
“It's not that bad. You have some cuts, but you'll probably get bruises by tomorrow.” he said as he examined his work on my face.
I nodded, making him break the examination from the bandages. He took as step back and leaned on the tiled wall behind him. We stood like that for a little while before he spoke.
“Really, Daehyun what happened?”
I looked away, not really knowing how to explain the situation.
“I fell” was the brilliant excuse and of course he didn't buy any of it as he frowned.
“Fine, whatever you say.” he said and looked away.
“I guess I'll be going now.” he than whispered and walked out without giving me a second look. I followed him to the front door. He put his shoes and jacket on and just as he was about to leave, I grabbed his hand.
He looked back at me with widely opened eyes. He was not expecting me to grab his hand. I wasn't expecting to do it as well but I just did. Lately, I always did unwanted and unpredictable things around him.
“T-thank you.” I mumbled and he smiled but his eyes were sad. “You're welcome Dae. I'll always help you if you need anything… You know that right?”
I nodded. I knew that he would always be there for me but I didn't want that. It made my wall tremble and my defences weak.
He waited a little if I had anything else to say but as I didn't he pulled his hand from by grip.
“Good bye Daehyun”
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Finally managed to post a new chapter. I'm sorry it's late but I'm dealing with a writers block and writing this chapter was a pain in the neck -___- +I'm kinda having mixed feelings for this fic so... dunno... I didn't even want to post this chapter but decided to do it anyways... I just hope it's not too bad...
Anyways, as for the editing - It's mostly done but I'll probably still do it, however I don't know when xD lol
Thank you to all subscribers and everyone who commented! Please leave me some feedback as it helps me to get motivated^^ good or bad, I don't mind...
Have a great day<3
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