Scars
We're not perfect; We're just ordinary people
I woke up next day as the alarm roughly abused my sleeping brain. I shuffled a bit feeling something warm wrapped around me waist. With my eyes still closed I smiled a bit as I traced my fingers down the warm skin. However, as I reached the end I realised the skin I was tracing didn't belong to the person I expected.
The skin was soft, smooth and screamed perfection. The only person who screamed perfection I knew was Himchan.
I opened one of my eye, peaking at the torso next to me. It was the perfect person. His short black hair was sticking in every direction and his perfectly flawless face was pressed into the pillow with his lips slightly parted. That was not the first time I found him sleeping next to me, but it was not something that usually happened. He preferred not to stay after we taken care of our needs. He was first to take a shower and leave, as if he was trying to dispose the evidence of what he did. Though after the breakup he tended to stay the night. We never cuddled or did anything that involved emotions, we just slept together in one bed, sometimes ending wrapped together as Himchan was not a still sleeper.
I traced the skin on his arm for a little longer, admiring the smoothness but kind of missing the roughness of Youngjae's skin. Over the time we spend together, Youngjae's only request I agreed on was cuddling. I hated it at first but it wasn't that bad in the end. I liked to explore his textured skin with my fingertips and that was the only time he'd let me.
His skin was like a mountainy relief. There were holes and damped parts as if he was missing the flesh underneath and there were mountains and bumps as well. His hands were heavily textured, same but less on his thighs, hips and here and there on his stomach.
Not many people knew about his scars. He hid them under long sleeves away from the world but Himchan saw him once in a t-shirt.
Later he asked me how I was even able to touch him. He thought that the scars and the rough surface of the others body was disgusting.
I didn't though. I kind of liked it as they intrigued me.
However, as much as I wanted to explore them Youngjae never really wanted to show them to me or talk about them. The only time I got to see them and touch them was when I woke up in the morning before him and tried to wake him up. As soon as he was up he'd hide them away.
-
After a few minutes I finally shook the other awake. He opened his eyes and groaned.
“I have to go to work Himchan.” I whispered not to completely wake him up. He nodded in respond and yawned.
“Lock when you leave and hide the keys ok?!” I asked as I slowly slid off the bed, feeling the soreness of the night on my back.
He nodded again, mumbling something I didn't understand but I didn't care as I knew it was probably something from his dreams. I never had a problem leaving him behind and I knew he'd do the way I asked, especially as it wasn't the first time.
I took a warm shower which finally relaxed my muscles. Nights with Himchan were not easy. He had stamina and he wasn't the most gentle person in the world. Especially after the breakup, he became a lot more aggressive. I figured this was where he'd let all the energy, anger, pain and sadness break out. He was a composed person but when in bed he turned into this little beast who just liked to inflict pain on the other participant.
But in the end of the day, I didn't mind it. It was different and after I got used to it, it started to feel good. He was a merciless dominant and one hell of a good dominant.
Again a lot different from Youngjae. Thinking of it everything was different with Youngjae. Comparing him with Himchan, they were quite an opposite.
Himchan liked the unlabelled, Youngjae didn't; Himchan didn't bring baggage, Youngjae did; Himchan didn't bring emotions, Youngjae did and when comparing in bed Himchan was a wicked dominant, while Youngjae stayed the clam and gentle one. But I can't say that I don't like Youngjae's gentle side. It was different and it felt good as well. They were both good dominants in bed but both in their different way.
-
The day was long at work. I was bored and there weren't many customers. I worked as a salesman and I hated my job. I hated the low pay and the long hours in the boring, empty shop. It was annoying but that was the best I could get at the moment without school.
One of my big regrets was not finishing high school. When I was in my last year I decided to quit and proceed my singing career. I wanted to become a singer more than anything. I entered an entertainment company and became a trainee.
They promised me to debut but the d-day never came. Somehow after some time, they just informed me that they went bankrupt and that I was out on the street.
I had no where to go as my parents disowned me after I voiced the wish of becoming a singer. They said that if I go out the door to become a singer, I can never return as I will never be their son again.
I left and never returned. I'm not sure why, especially my father hated the idea that much but sometimes Youngjae would say that they probably just tried to threaten me to drop the dream. He said that if I went back to them after my dream broke, they'd probably take me back, but it was all too late now. I missed the last train and I didn't really regret it. I was not a person who would step up to my father and beg him to take me back, I was not a person who would beg someone who inflicted so much pain on me to have mercy. I wasn't the person to beg, I wasn't like Youngjae.
After a while someone finally entered the shop, letting me escape my thoughts. I recognised the face vaguely as one of Youngjae's friends. He didn't have many and he never hung out with them. Honestly, I never saw him talk to anyone, he just pointed this guy out of the crowd one day, saying that they were acquaintances.
I greeted him as a random customer. There wasn't anything else for me to do. I didn't even know if the guy really knew Youngjae.
However, the guy weirdly glanced at me way too many times while he browsed through the piles of clothes. It was suspicious.
When he finally decided on a pair of t-shirts and reached the counter, he broke the silence.
“I'm sorry but aren't you Youngjae's friend?” he asked carefully, probably not sure if I was the right person. I usually never talked to random people but this boy seemed really nice with a huge smile spread over his face. I was sure he could make everyone ease up.
“Um, I guess…” I answered thinking over how to identify myself. Since the boy left and we fought, could I even call him a friend. Maybe Youngjae didn't see me as a friend anymore; but my answer was enough for the boy in front of me.
“Ahh, I thought you looked familiar. I saw you two together a couple of times.” he beamed with his smile which gained a bit more strength after realising that he didn't just talk to a complete stranger - though I still was.
I only nodded while proceeding to get his clothes in his bag. We didn't say anything after that, but there really wasn't anything for us to say.
I didn't need a new friend and there was something about him that bothered me, despite his happy go lucky smile.
------
A couple of weeks passed since Youngjae left but that was nothing unusual. Almost for the whole time I proceeded to wake up next to the perfect boy. Himchan spend almost every night at my place and it was leaving a tool on my body. I felt completely exhausted and my body was in pain. There were dark blue bruises covering almost all my hips. Some were even a week old and the new ones just covered up the leaving space, creating this huge blue and purple splash across my skin.
Taking the shower in the morning was becoming bothersome at this point as I could feel the stinging pain on my back. Himchan tended to leave wounds on my back for the last few days. It was something new and it occurred right after he saw his ex with his new boyfriend wearing couple shirts. It seemed to piss him off so much that he ended up biting and scratching my body so much that my skin broke and the sheets got covered in red blood.
I didn't mind. The only thing that annoyed me were the stains.
-
As it was monday again I had to go to work. Like every other day nothing happened until I saw a familiar face, nervously pacing in front of the the store. The walls were made of glass so I wondered if he thought that I wouldn't see him. After a while he finally entered, this time not looking at the clothes, instead proceeding directly in my direction.
“Hi.” he said quietly looking for my reaction. There was none. I didn't care about the kid so I just nodded.
“Um, look I'm sorry for bothering you but have you maybe seen Youngjae?” he asked, his question throwing me off tracks for a split second.
“No, why?” I asked suspiciously.
“Well, I haven't seen him since last monday and he's not picking up his phone. I can't find him and you're the only friend of his that I know.”
I didn't say anything.
“I-I just though you were close but since you don't know... I won't bother you anymore.” he said turning around to leave but somehow my lips started to work on his own as I spat at him.
“What's your name?”
He turned around slowly with a half smile.
“I'm Jongup. Why ask?” under that sweet smile he seemed cocky but I wasn't sure.
“I just wanted to know what to say to Youngjae when I'll see him later.” I answered calmly, trying to reason my own actions for asking about his name or saying that I will see Youngjae later. The last part was not true and god knows if I would ever see the boy again.
He smiled back, nodding and finally said goodbye, rushing out of the store. In my eyes his rushing was explained as frantic looking for Youngjae. He probably didn't believe me.
The whole incident made me think. Where was Youngjae for a week? I couldn't answer as I didn't know. When we weren't fighting he was either at home or most of the time in my apartment and when we were fighting I didn't know as I didn't care. But now, somehow I started to wonder. Could something happen if the other didn't see him for a week and were they so close that he'd be so worried after not seeing him for only a week? I wasn't worried over him after not seeing him for months. Was I supposed to worry?
Though, I brushed the thoughts away as there was nothing I could do while being at work. The hours passed excruciatingly slowly, slower than usually. Youngjae and Jongup kept returning to my mind with occasional thought of Himchan if I made a sudden movement causing the pain to shoot up my spine or down the wounds. I didn't enjoy any of my thoughts and I just wanted to get out of the hell hole.
-
After the long day was finally over I decided to go home but the thought of the two boys didn't leave me. Himchan was gone when I came back to the apartment, all the traces of his existence erased from my bedroom. It was a good thing that he was a bit of a clean freak and always cleaned after himself and some times even me. He used to say that he just could't see me living in such mess but I didn't think it was that bad.
But it was worse when Youngjae wasn't around. He again darted into my head as I sighed heavily, deciding to go for a walk to clear my head on the cool air.
After a few minutes I felt my phone vibrate.
From: Himchan
To: Daehyun
Yah, what about tonight?”
I quickly typed back, annoyed by his questions.
To: Himchan
From: Daehyun
Maybe later? I'm went on a walk and I'm not sure when I'll be back.
It didn't take long for him to reply
From: Himchan
To: Daehyun
Ok. Well I'll probably be in the club. Get me when you get back.
I agreed. I couldn't say no to the boy. I never did and I wasn't about to do now.
I walked for a while, not knowing where I was going but suddenly I realised that I was standing in front of Youngjae's block of flats. I wasn't sure how I got there but I somehow did. I knew where he lived but he never invited me over and I never asked.
I examined the shady looking building, counting the floors to determine Youngjae's flat. He told me where his window was when we first passed the building together.
I managed to count up all the way to the 8th floor and the 4th window from the right. It was dark. Since the sun was already down, other windows lit up but his was still covered with darkness. Although other windows belonging to his apartment seemed to be lit. Someone was home and I couldn't help but wonder if he was there.
However if he was, wouldn't Jongup find him? Or maybe he didn't know where Youngjae lived.
All these questions played in my brain and I wasn't really sure why. I never cared, I wasn't supposed to care.
Nevertheless, my body again decided to go against me for the second time that day and I found myself on the steep stairs making my way up to the 8th floor. I cursed myself but decided to go anyways as I was already half way. It would be a waste to walk so much for no reason.
I huffed and puffed when I reached the 8th floor. Even though I had a good body, I was completely out of shape. I knew it because whenever I spend the night with Himchan and his incredible stamina, I was always left without breath half way through. In the end I was always completely destroyed and just moving a finger was too much for me.
I got up to the right floor and scanned the surnames on the doors. Finally finding the one I was looking for. YOO was written in bold letters.
I stood there in front of the door, trying to reason my doing. It was completely out of my character and even though I promised to never be like that, I was standing in front of the younger's doors..
It was the first time for me to came after Youngjae, but I reasoned it saying that I didn't really come after him. I just somehow ended up in front of his door. I wasn't there to check on him or beg him to come back to me. The whole situation was just wrong.
I shifted my weight from one leg to another and finally lifted my hand towards the bell but sudden noise coming from the other side stopped me. I looked at the door with shock taking over my body and before they opened I managed to hid behind a corner.
The door opened and i could hear familiar voices echoing across the empty hallway. One belonged to Youngjae and the other I heard just this morning. It belonged to Jongup.
“Are you sure you're ok?” Jongup asked with his puppy voice which caused me to roll my eyes. Something about that boy bothered me.
“Yes, Jonguppie. I'm fine so don't worry huh?!” now Youngjae's voice responded. I had to cringe at the nickname he gave the other boy. He wanted to call me with a nickname before but I said he could't because I was older and his hyung. Nicknames are usually reserved for couples. For couples. We weren't one but did this mean that they were together? Mentally slapping myself I shook my head violently. Now I was even thinking stupidity.
“If you say so…” his voice seemed to be kind of sad or maybe disappointed.
“You don't look to good hyung.” he continued, pushing the other boy.
“I'm just tired uppie. I'll be fine, I promise.” I knew that Jongup wouldn't notice but I did. The little crack in Youngjae's voice when he said promise. He always said it that way when he was lying. I knew it because I spend so much time with him and he lied to me many times. He always promised to stop bothering me about Himchan, he always promised to never come back, he always promised to be better as unlabelled and he always promised to stop hurting his own body. He never did though. I knew he was lying before he said the word promise and the crack just confirmed my prediction.
The younger seemed to buy his lies.
“If you say so… I trust you Youngjae. J-just call me if you need anything.” was all he said before they said there goodbyes. It was clear from his voice that the younger boy was upset but I didn't care.
After he left and the door closed, I decided to leave my hiding place. Now I knew where he was as he wasn't missing anymore. So this meant that I could leave and go but again my body worked against my common sense as I was again standing in front of the door, hand raised to press the bell.
I wanted to stop the sudden movement but I failed as my finger already pressed the button and a laud noise escaped from the other side.
For a split second I considered running away but it was too late as I heard some rumble from the other side and faint groans which I didn't understand because they were muffled by the heavy door.
“Jongup I told you that I want to be alone…” he said as he swiftly opened the door without looking up at me as he quickly tried to pull down one of his sleeves that lifted a tiny bit from opening the door.
As I didn't answer he finally looked up. He was left in shock, not saying anything despite opening his mouth for a couple of times like a fish on land. I wondered what he was thinking and I felt a bit humiliated for standing on his doorsteps just like I was there to beg.
For a split second I wondered if I saw Youngjae as humiliated as I felt when he came back begging to be taken back but before I found the answer the other finally managed to produce a sound.
“D-Daehyun?” he asked as if I wasn't supposed to be real.
I looked at him up and down leaving my gaze on his covered arms. The way he let them stay next to his torso told me that he broke one of his promises again.
My heavy sighed cut his sentence when he asked me why I was there and then I just stepped forward grabbing him by his shoulders to avoid his arms. I pushed him back into the apartment and closed the door without saying a word. He didn't say anything and didn't protest my first visit.
I looked at him questioningly and he seemed to figure what was on my mind as he turned around and led the way to the bathroom.
It was a small bathroom, almost as small as mine. White tiles were coloured in yellowish smudges but it didn't seem to messy. I pushed him towards the toilet and he sat down on the lid.
Gently I grabbed the hem of his hoodie and slowly pulled it off, especially slowly when i pulled over his arms. It wasn't a surprise to find another lair of clothes and underneath a towel tightly wrapped around his both limbs. The hoodie he had on top hid it very well and I was sure that Jongup had no idea about the wounds underneath.
I gently unwrapped the fabric, exposing the red gushing wounds. They were fresh and the other boy probably caught him in the middle of the making. I sighed and looked at him and he again read my mind nodding in the direction of the closet. I dug through a few drawers before I managed to find a first aid kit.
Returning to his sitting body I kneeled between his legs pulling his arms in front of me to take care of them. It wasn't my first time so I didn't think much of the blood or the reasons behind them.
-
A few weeks after he half way moved in with me was the first time I caught him inflicting harm on himself. Of course I knew what he was doing before I caught him since I saw his skin many times but he promised that he stopped. I didn't question it.
But I knew he never kept his promise because every time he got back to me after spending some time at home, I could count a number of unknown bumps and holes, plus some were still beaming red or unhealed. You didn't have to be a genius to see that he never quit. But I didn't question him even then.
When I first found him holding a razor him his hand he cried for hours feeling so ashamed. He hated his scars and he hated that I saw them. Finding him while doing them must have been the worst thing in the world.
After the incident I never found him while doing the deed but he often came around with bandages which had to be changed and of course that was my work. I didn't mind as long as I didn't have to ask or deal with it on a mental level. I was lucky as Youngjae didn't want to talk about them either.
Even if he told me a lot about himself and his problems he never mentioned the scars or the reason behind them.
So taking care of the wounds wasn't something new. Sometimes I thought it was me who was the cause but then again he was completely scarred before I even met him. When we spend the night together for the first time he didn't want to get undress but after I finally made him do it he didn't want to come from under the covers. I wasn't sure why but I went with his request to have the room in complete darkness. I didn't mind. I though he was just a bit unconscious about his tiny bit chubby body which i actually liked. But after I got to touch him I realised that there was much more that the unconsciousness over his body image. It was the first time I felt something as scarred as he was.
I could feel him flinch under my touch every time I touched them. And after a while he got a bit used to it as I never asked about them.
He once vaguely said that he couldn't believe that I wasn't disgusted by touching him as others were disgusted only by the sight. I knew he was talking about his scars but he never named the name. It didn't bother me.
-
After I managed to clean the fresh cuts and bandage them I looked at his hands. The scars were the most frequent on his wrists and forearms which were now covered by bandages, except on the top, near his elbows. There were some on his upper arm as well, but not that many. Since he was sitting shirtless I had a good sight of his stomach and his hips as well. His hips were again quite scarred, his stomach only a little and as i knew the frequency again rose on his thighs.
I sighed again and gently brushed my finger over the biggest scar on his stomach. He flinched of course, looking away.
“You promised.” I whispered. I didn't really care about his empty promises but I was kind of disappointed at this point. I never asked him to promise me something but he still did it on his own. I never asked him to stop cutting and yet he assured me he would every time I had to bandage them. I was disappointed at how weak he was.
He didn't say anything and I knew that rubbing salt into his wounds wouldn't do any good.
“So was that your boyfriend?” I asked, trying to change the subject and looking at his flinching shocked expression.
“Y-you saw?” he managed to say with a frightened tone to his voice and I nodded which caused his eyes to drop.
“H-he's not m-my boyfriend. He's just my friend.” he whispered.
“Well he sure does seem to care a whole lot about you.” I laughed drily, ignoring a funny feeling in my stomach.
“You do too and you're not my boyfriend.” he scoffed, furrowing his brows. My smile dropped at his words and something in my stomach pinched me again.
I didn't say anything as he was right so I just got up, deciding to leave.
“What are you doing here hyung?” he asked before I could leave.
I didn't know what to say as I wasn't sure myself on why I was there. It was utterly absurd so I just left without saying anything. I didn't even look back or say goodbye. I could hear him say something behind me but i decided not to hear it. I ignored the screams behind me as I reached the front door. I could feel anger rise inside me and I knew that I had to get out.
After I got out of the block I rushed back trying to reason my actions. There was no reason behind them.
It angered me and I was pissed, ready to break something. Clenching my fists I decided to release the tension by punching into a wall. I could feel the pain spread through my arm and hot liquid pour down towards the concrete ground. I didn't care about the broken skin and maybe even bones. Anger took over my sanity.
So the only thing I could do was to go back to the club where I knew Himchan was waiting. I knew that tonight it was not going to be just me who would hurt, I was ready to leave marks on the others perfect body as well.
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A bit longer chapter... and omg writing in first person is hard xD this is my second fic written in first person and I don't remember it being so hard XDD
Anyways.. Thank you to all to who subscribed and commented! <33
Feel free to leave more feedback as it does give me the will to write more ;))
Have a great day<3
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