Daehyun pov-

I woke up early in the morning, finding myself next to a calmly sleeping figure. His face was calm and peaceful. I admired his white skin as it glistened in the morning sun. I could't help myself but brush his blonde hair from his forehead.

I wondered what I did to deserve someone like him in my life. He has spend the last 2 years trailing behind me; me dragging him into failure. And yet, here he was... Calmly sleeping next to someone who could never give him what he deserved. 

 

No matter what kind of pain I inflicted on him, he always returned back to me. He was like my satellite. The gravity always somehow managed to drive us together. Whenever we reached the closest point, the rail widened and he took a path away from me, promising to never return to my hands but in the end of the day, his rail always came back into my sight and sooner or later he was again reaching the closest point which we shared. He reached it and again passed, taking a long way around the orbit, only to return to me yet again.

 

I didn't blame him for wanting to leave. I blamed him for returning back to me when there were so many better things for him out there. But of course I couldn't chase him away. I couldn't say no when he came begging to take him back. I couldn't. Honestly, I tried many times, fighting away the word, bitting my tongue until it bled but the word yes always slipped out and we were again where we begun. 

 

I often wondered if he understood the concept of our "relationship". If he saw the never ending circle of torture in which we were caught. Or more like in which he was caught. I wondered why he always came back to put himself through all the pain. It was not me who got hurt, it was him.

I was not worth it. I knew it because I was the one causing the pain. But I didn't care. There was no doubt that I knew how I felt, I knew how he felt and yet I used his feelings without feeling particularly bad about it.

I was ready to confront him over this issue many times, but I knew there would be no use in doing so. Such questions would chase him away for some time and before I could even notice his absence, he'd be pleading for me to take him back yet again.

 

I didn't like to see him pleading and begging. I hated the fact that people would downgraded themselves to a point of begging. It was disgusting but I never told him those words. I didn't like to see him in that awful state. It didn't suit his fluffy face. Those puppy eyes would always pierce through me and it seemed like if I didn't take him back he'd die a horrible death, abandoned on the cold street. 

I couldn't imagine putting a puppy through something like that, because I knew it too well how it felt to be abendoned and living on the cold street.

 

Really why did he always came back? I couldn't take care of him and I definitely couldn't help him anymore. We were just so different and yet so alike that it scared me. The fact that we were both broken and scarred in our own ways connected us more than anything.

I often wondered how to describe out bond but I always failed. I knew that there was no right answer as I myself decided it to be that way, but since he often asked about it, I did think over the issue a couple of times.

I didn't know what we were…

 

Boyfriends? No, I specifically explained that I didn't want an exclusive relationship.

Friends? Maybe but since we shared much more than that, we couldn't really be described as friends. 

Friends with benefits?

 

Though, it is not my place to ask or answer such questions. I was the one that decided that what ever we had was not to be labeled. 

Honestly, I didn't want to restrain myself and my choices; a relationship did just that. I couldn't afford to get caught in something like that. I couldn't afford to get caught in feelings and relationships, because I knew where that road would take me; directly to pain.

However, will all the relapses we had, I was often wondering if in the end if the day he really was my choice and if I was just trying to avoid the unavoidable?

 

-

 

While deep in thought, I felt sudden heat on my stomach as he wrapped his hand around my waist, nuzzling his face into my side. 

 

“Daehyunnie…” he whispered, his voice still rough and his eyes closed. He was still sleeping. I knew, because waking him up was a pain in the neck. When he would spend the night at my place and I had to work in the morning it was always a battle to wake him up and I usually ended up being late for work. Those days were unpleasant because I didn't enjoy listening to my boss yelling at me for being a lazy worker.

 

Luckily today was sunday and I didn't really have to wake him up. I was reliefed as I was feeling good and didn't want anything to ruin my mood. It's been a while since I felt good and I wasn't prepared to let it go just yet. This was again one of our relapses. I haven't seen him for a few weeks, not sure how many thought. It could have been a couple of months and it seemed more legit this way. Yes, it must have been a couple of months.

The night before, he out of nowhere appeared in the club where I usually hang out. He never came there even when we were on good terms, but there he was, pleading of course. And in my drunken, clouded state I broke my own promise, just as he did his own and I took him back without a second thought.

 

-

 

He tightened his grip on me as he pulled closer, trying to close the non existing space between our exposed bodies. He was furrowing his brows as the morning light hit him directly on his closed lids. 

Mumbling something which I didn't quite understand he slightly opened one of his eyes. He peeked out and around the place. I could see that sleep was still lingering behind those brown orbs, his brain didn't start working just jet. 

Again he nuzzled back into my skin as he groaned. 

 

“Why is it morning already?” his morning voice was rough and pleasing to my ears. 

 

“Well, it's not like you have to get up.” I chuckled at his grumpy morning personality. 

 

He frowned again and if he was awake, he'd roll his eyes. 

 

“But you'll get up and I want to stay like this for a bit longer.” he continued complaining and holding tightly onto me.

 

“Well if you want to we can stay here a little bit longer but only if you wake up.” I knew saying something like this would be the most sufficient way to bring him from his dreamy world. 

 

He shifted a bit and tried to open both eyes. I really liked his morning face. He was overly adorable but I'd never admit it to him. 

 

He was lying on my chest after shuffling around under the light covers and he finally managed to put his brain into the first gear. This meant that he was awake but if you were planing to conduct a conversation you were left with unreasonable answers or just silence. He was a grumpy person in the morning. We were kind of the same though. I was grumpy when I was hungry and he was when he was sleepy. 

 

“Daehyunnie.” he whined. His hot breath tickling my exposed skin as he placed his chin on my torso. 

 

I didn't respond as I cringed under the nickname. Honestly speaking, I hated nicknames and Youngjae knew that. Though, he wasn't waiting for a response. It was just  the uncontrollable working of his useless morning brain. I knew that so I decided to let the nickname incident slide.
I brushed my fingers through his now newly blonde hair, which made him smile. His eyes were closed and he like a little kitten enjoyed my touch. The hair between my fingers was shorter than the last time I saw him. The last time I saw him he had brown hair. I liked his brown locks. It suited him, but so did the shade from the yellow pallet. It wasn't the first time he chose to bleach his hair but because of the length I hardly recognised him the day before in the foggy club. 

He looked good though. I could not complain. 

 

I slid my other hand down his exposed back, feeling his soft skin. His back was probably the only intact part of his body. My fingertips drifted down without finding any imperfections on the surface. Though, I did notice that there was less fluffiness as his body pressed against me. He must have lost some weight and that wasn't something I liked. I liked to see him healthy and soft. I liked the softness of his skin and body underneath my hands. 

But I expected to feel more bones. He always lost some weight when we decided to split paths. I asked him once about it and he said that it was sort of a punishment. He seemed very upset when I asked so I dropped the issue afterwards. It really wasn't my business what he did when he was walking the path somewhere far away from me. 

I did remember it from time to time, wondering about the meaning behind the word punishment, but i didn't give it too much thought and I never again asked.

 

-

 

After what seemed like hours Youngjae seemed to finally wake up. He opened his eyes, flailing his lashes wildly and yawned. 

 

“Morning.” I whispered. 

He just nodded in response as he probably changed the gear of his brain.

“How're you feeling?” I asked smirking, knowing that he probably felt like . 

He was drinking a lot last night and I was sure he still felt the effect of the alcohol in his system.

 

He groaned, confirming my assumption but he never admitted to feeling like the world was about to end. 

“I'm good. A bit tired I guess. You?” he looked up with those pretty eyes of his which were still glassy from the intoxication. 

 

“I'm good. Didn't drink as much as you, so if you feel fine, I have to be great.” I chuckled and he rolled his eyes at my teasing. He didn't liked being teased but he liked to tease me all the time and that usually pissed me off. Having revenge was always sweet.

 

“So what now?” he asked after a few moments of comfortable silence as we stayed in the same position. I knew what he was asking and it made me stiffen up but the atmosphere remained calm. He was wondering about us. If finding us in bed together in the morning meant that we were back at where we started.  Since we didn't use labels determining what was going between us, questions like this always brought a lot of displease into me. 

We had this talk too many times.

 

“Don't know. We're back at where we started?” I half stated, half asked. 

 

Deep down I was hoping that he'd decide that it was not where we were. I hoped he'd say that it was all a mistake and we'd part ways and take separate paths. That would be the best for him. 

However, when he agreed that we were still where we started I felt relief slowly spread though my body. The feeling was sickening me. I didn't deserve it. Not at all and it was all because I could never meet to his expectations and I could never commit to what he wanted. Even if I would want to, which I didn't, I still couldn't do what he asked for.

 

“I guess.” he responded, tightening his grip on my body, as if I was to disappear if he let me go.

 

“I bet this time things will be different.” he smiled lightly, but we both knew better.

 

I wondered if he knew that things wouldn't be different. He had to see the disfunction in everything. He said the same sentence every time we ended up together and it never came true. Things were never different; we were caught in a vicious roller-coster which never stopped going in never-ending circles. He had to know that things wouldn't change.

 

Though, I still nodded agreeing to his statement, despite knowing the truth. I didn't want to start a discussion on the already doomed future and the unavoidable fight. I didn't want the ride to stop just yet and a fight would result in just that.

 

This was the main reason for our partings. Fighting. We fought a lot. When we started being the unlabelled, it was almost perfect and nice but after some time we started to fight and get on each others nerves. The fights we had were always overreacted and just plain stupid. Always over trivial things and it always ended in a “breakup”. 

However, despite the dominanting number of the small fights the big one's were not unknown. The really big fights were a rare thing and if they occurred we always had a really long break before he came back. This was the kind of fight we had the last time. 

 

I didn't blame him for his reaction. I did "cheat" on him in his eyes, or at least that's how he phrased it. However, it wasn't my fault. We weren't exclusive, we weren't together… We just used each other for some services and when he caught me with another boy he snapped without a reason. I wouldn't mind if he had someone else. If one of us would start to date, it shouldn't affect the other as we weren't really together. 

He seemed really pissed and it resulted in me not seeing him for months. After the incident I thought that I finally chased him off but he was here again, in my bed and in my embrace. 

He deserved better. I was no good. I was an evil person because I used him. I was a monster in more than one way. I knew he liked me a lot. I knew that if I asked him to be my boyfriend he wouldn't give it a second thought before saying yes. 

Sometimes, I even wondered if he was in love with me? I brushed such thoughts away though. I didn't want to think about the possibility of him being in love with me because it just made me even more evil in my own eyes. 

I wished he'd find someone who'd be able to return the love he needed, because I couldn't give it to him. 

I didn't want to be tied down, I didn't want to be close to people... Being close only meant one thing and that was pain. I couldn't open myslef to care, it was not an option and so was not a relationship. 

 

I promised myself to never ever fall in love. I promised myself to never love again. 

He knew my feelings and yet he retuned. I knew my feelings and yet I took him back. It was disgusting. 

 

-

 

“Daehyun” he whispered after the silence took over for a while. His face was serious but there was a glimpse of fear in his eyes.

“Hmm?”

“About last time…” he said with an uncertain voice. None of us wanted to get on the topic of what happened the last time. I frowned dissatisfied with the direction of the conversation. 

 

“What about it?” It was upsetting. I didn't want to talk about it.

He stayed silent for a while, probably deciding whether to continue the conversation or not. 

 

“W-hy did…” his question was drowned out as he looked away.  From the stutter and the change in his voice, I knew he was fighting away his tears. I saw and heard him cry countless times before and I hated it. I didn't want to see him cry and I didn't want to be the reason for the tears staining his face. 

 

“Youngjae…” I sighed, knowing his question. 

 

“I mean, you know what we are… And that means that we can see other people. You know that…” I was annoyed because I had to answer the question on what we were. Answering without knowing the right answer was irritating  and it made my blood boil. I just had a really short temper when it came to things like this. 

 

“What are we hyung?” he asked, his voice suddenly growing stronger. 

 

I rolled my eyes automatically, shifting my body away from him. I sat on the edge of the bed with my back facing his still lying figure. Removing myself away from the covers and him left me feeling cold as the chilled morning air of the air attacked my skin.

 

“You know what we are. We don't have a label, how am I supposed to say what we are?” 

 

“Hyung, I don't want to be unlabelled anymore.” I could feel him sat up as the bed underneath me moved. 

 

“Well, I don't want to be labeled Youngjae. You know that.” He was starting to piss me off. We never talked about things like that as we both knew that there was no right answer to the questions. It only made us fight and now he was pushing it on the first day of our relapse. 

 

He didn't say anything for a while but I could feel his gaze on my exposed back. It was brushing me the wrong way.

 

“It hurt.” he said after a while. 

 

“Hm?” I wasn't really following anymore as I tried to hold back the steam building inside me. I didn't want to burst into a fit this early in the morning. Not on our first day.

 

“It hurt, when I saw you with him.” he said calmly. 

 

“Well you shouldn't feel that way Jae.” 

“I know, but I can't help it. It hurts when we were apart, I thought it would stop now that I'm here but it didn't. Actually, it hurts more now that I'm here with you. The pain always goes away when I'm with you but not now.”

 

“You know that being with me doesn't bring anything else but pain.” I told him many times that things wouldn't change between us. I told him many times that what we had was pain and nothing else. He never listened though. He knew very well the pain we shared and yet he returned every time for more. Sometimes I wondered if I should just tell him that he was a masohist. Maybe he even knew.

 

He didn't say anything as he probably knew how right I was. 

 

“Hyung, couldn't we just try… once?” his voice was pleading again, the confidence gone and it just enpowered my anger.

 

“No! I told you so many times!” I couldn't do it anymore. I hated pain more than anything in my life and he was causing just that inside my chest. I didn't want to feel the pain anymore.

 

I turned around to face him. I could see glistning lines on his cheeks and his eyes were turning red. He was silently crying. 

 

“Why not hyung? Why don't you like me?” he almost sobbed but still held composure as he tightly held the sheets between his fingers. His knuckles were turning white and it seemed as if he was holding onto the fabric for support.

 

“Ugh, Youngjae.” I scoffed and got up. I wasn't planning to put up with him anymore. I couldn't stand looking at him or listening to his whining, so I decided to take a shower. I needed to cool down as I knew that he wouldn't stop. When he started he never stopped and that just brought the monster out from my core. It just made me a raging mess, usually ending up breaking something, yelling and destroying things around me. It wasn't a quality I was proud off, I hated it but I just couldn't control it. And feeling helpless just escalated the whole thing.

 

I really wanted the anger to stop. I craved for contol which seemed to be far from my reach. Mostly, because one day I just went too far. I hit Youngjae. He left afterwards. I didn't see him for months and was sure I would never see him again but he came back. I saw him waiting at my front door one day when I came home from work. He begged me to take him back. He begged like never before, when in reality if things were normal that beggar should have been me…

 

I entered the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I didn't want him to intrude in the process of cooling down. The shower always helped me to get back to my senses. 

After I finally felt better and got out the other was out of sight. I searched the apartment but all the traces of him being there vanished into thin air.

He probably left. Again. 

This was the first time we got together for only one night. We usually ended up sticking around each other for at least a few weeks, if not months. 

 

I didn't care though. I liked that he was away. I wanted to believe that I wouldn't see him again. I needed the pain to stop.

 

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Here it is.. The first chapter :) 

 

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