Story Title: Raise Me Up

Author: prom15e_10ve

Reviewer: ohmysnappleshakes

Story Link

prom15e_10ve graphics

Review;

Hello! It's Abby here! Here's my first review, hope you like my opinion, and hopefully you become a better author because of it. c:

Title: (3/5)

It's a good start, but I feel as though you could have come up with something else that would have been much better. The connotation of "Raise Me Up" kind of makes me think of someone dying, or ascending to heaven or something, but according to the story, it has to do with someone being being guided and lead into something better, correct? Overall, I still think that it kind of has to do with the story, so I rate it a 3/5.

Poster: (3.7/5)

Hmmm, the poster. I know that it's supposed to be kind a mysterious, angsty-ish poster, right? When I first saw it, the eyes in the background annoyed me, but when I read the story, I understood why it was there. I don't think that the "You were the one that kept me high above the rest" quote is grammatically correct. I think that a better quote could of been used, but it would have still had the same meaning to it. The pictures that you used of Kyuhyun and Yesung are similar, and I can appreciate that. They both give off the same mood, and so I like that a lot. The two things that kind of knocked the poster's points down were the quote, and the background details, i.e the trees and the dragon/cat eyes. 

Foreword/ Description: (3.4/5)

The description is precise and to the point, but it came off a little bit bleak to me. I like the general idea that you were looking for, and I like how you tried to set up to different worlds, most likely foreshadowing that the two worlds would merge somehow. However, I did find a few mistakes, and some cases of "Awkward English." For example, it says In the ancient east.

There is lack of detail in the setting, and it would much more enticing and helpful if you actually put in some more details to help grab the reader's attention.

For example: In an obscure country located in the Ancient East, etc etc.

I kind of like the "...for he has found a cloud that has lifted him out of the darkness", however, clouds don't lift out of darkness.... sunshine comes out after hidden from clouds...because....you know.... clouds... make things dark.... .______.

Maybe I'm being picky, so I guess you could ignore trhat statement.

In the description, the "And with his luck, he would only find one piece of food to call his breakfast, lunch, and dinner."

To use a conjunction to start a sentence is a bit out of place, instead of making a fragment seem like a complete sentence, you could turn in into a compound sentence like: "...to satisfy his forever grumbling stomach, and with a of luck, he found only one piece of food that he could call his breakfast, lunch, and dinner." <--- Sorry, I edited some things, but doesn't that sound a little better then instead of starting the sentence with 'and'? There are many other sentence structures that you could use to revise this sentence; I was just trying to show you one example. 

Characterization: (6.7/10)

I like how you made Kyuhyun. I feel as though he was a little bit rushed in age, and with the whole "he has magical powers thing" or whatever, but the general idea was good. I felt as though Yesung was just someone in the shadows, but when he appeared I like how he gave Kyuhyun hope to pursue a greater cause for a greater good.

Originality: (4.3/5)

I've never seen someone merge an ancient past filled with magic and dragons with a love story. It kind of reminds me of Avatar the Last Airbender, even though your story and that show have like almost nothing to do with each other. I like how you tried to incorporate an extended metaphor into the story with the whole cloud thing, but like I said, in relation to terminology, the whole cloud thing doesn't work. Your story is quite original to me! 4.3/5

Plot: (10.7/15)

I think that the plot was a little bit rushed. In the first few paragraphs, his dad left him, his mom died, and his sister went bye bye too. To let that happen to an eight year old so soon is unrealistic, the child would be traumatized, whether in a fictional supernatural world or in a real life setting. I think that Kyuhyun's age does not really mix well with everything that he had to experience, if he was nine or ten when everything turned badly, then it would have made  more sense. The age that his father left him was fine though, because even in real life parents leave at a very young age. Overall, the plot was well constructed, besides a few awkward situations here and there. The only other major plot twist that I think was rushed was the whole 'wizard/sorceror' thing. I was like 'What?' It went from ordinary kid just trying to help a guy that he had a crush on, to magic boy that has amazing powers and whatnot. I think it would have been better to gradually introduce it. 10.7/15

Spelling/Grammar/Puncuation: (21.5/25)

I was at ease that you didn't have as many mistakes that I see on a daily basis from other people. I was so relieved, that it was not even funny. However, I saw mistakes.

Example: However, this was not meant to be, as Ahra took her last breath, her hand landing limply in Kyuhyun's lap."

Correction: Kyuhyun's wishes were not meant to be fulfilled; Ahra slowly and gently took her last breath, with her hand slacking limply in Kyuhyun's lap.

"... he heard a booming voice cry "make way!". "

There are many mistakes in this just one subordinate clause.

First of all, the M in make should be capitalized, and you need to choose between the exclamation mark and period to go inside of your quotation mark. The rule is that the punctuation always goes inside of the quotes. Always.

Correction: "... he heard a booming voice cry "Make way!"

There were other mistakes regarding grammar and punctuation, but not with spelling. It would take a while to go and find every single one of your grammar mistakes, so I just left you the two above so that you could have a general idea of what I was talking about. 

Writing Style: (9/10)

I like your writing style a lot. For the most part, everything flowed pretty well, and you stayed quite consistent with your plot and ideas. You didn't really tense shift, and I appreciate that. Tense shifting is one of my greatest pet peeves. 

Flow: (4.9/5)

Like I said before, your flow was quite consistent, and nothing really seemed out of place. There was a little bit of rushing, but besides that it was quite enjoyable and easy to follow along. 

Enjoyment: (8/10)

As a reader reading it the first time without going back and being picky, I enjoyed it quite a bit. At the back of my head, it kind of reminded me of a historical fiction, and I thought that it was interesting for me to read me 2nd well written historical story. 

Bonus: (2/5)

Overall Total: (78/100)

ohmysnappleshakes's note:

Very good job on this story! :D I hope that I was too harsh on you.... /OTL

/hides.

Lots of love though! ~ Abby <3 

shimaknae's note:

Hope you are satisfied with the review. Please comment after you pick up and credit the shop with the banner and also credit the review (ohmysnappleshakes). (: Link the review and the shop.