Story Title: Childhood Friend 

Author: CheSanchez

Reviewer: ohmysnappleshakes

Story Link

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Review;

Abby here! Hello CheSanchez! Here's your request! Hopefully you don't think I was too harsh, and hopefully you learn from my critique so that you can become a better writer. (: 

Title: (2.5/5)

Well, to me, 'Childhood Friend' seems quite cliche. I could already tell that it would be an 'Oppa Oppa' story, and I was already dreading the aspect of reading it. The connotation of "Childhood" and "Friend" are quite contradictory- those are both quite happy, friendly words, especially if you put them together in the same sequence. This story is a bit more mysterious, with it having to do with a lost memory and what-not, so I felt as though you had so much room to spice up the title, and make it entising. I, for one, believe that the community of AFF is tired of seeing those kinds of boring, mundance titles. Unless, of course, it's that overpopulated community of individuals that love the cutesy stuff. In my opinion, 'Childhood Friend' does not do your story much justice. Just think about it a little bit more! 

Poster: (2/5)

You didn't even have a poster, lol. I liked the picture of the girl, because after I read the preview or whatever, I could understand why she was looking out the window, i.e 'Is she thinking about her dreams?' 'Is she trying to remember the person that she forgot?', things like that. BUT, you then didn't stay consistent with the picture. You had a medium-quality picture on each of the chapters, and it kind of didn't do the story justice....again... I believe that if you stuck with the picture of the girl, it would have been better. Of course, the best option would be to just request a poster from a shop! (: To be frank, I really hate your background. It reminds me of MySpace. It's just so...bleh.. It doesn't give off a mature feeling to it. You might wanna request a background along with your poster. .___. 

Foreword/Description: (3/5)

You made lots of errors in just the first sentence of the description. 

What's up with the '*' signs? Those are annoying, and well published authors don't use those, sorry to say. It gives off an air immaturity, and once again, represents its fellow sterotypical 'Oppa Oppa' story commpanions. 

So, let's move on to mistakes.

"I promise I'll be back. Just whatever you do, please don't forget about me" a blurry figure yelled at me from a car as he left "How can I forget about you. You were my best friend!" I yelled as the car moved futher away from me. 

I cringe at the lack of puncuation here. Here is the correct way to write it, also with some added detail, as an examplle of how it should look.

"I promise that I'll be back; whatever you do, I beg you, please don't forget about me." A blurry figure yelled from a car that was moving farther and farther away, slowly turning into a small dot. "How could I forget about you? You're my best friend!" I shouted in return, to a car that was disappearing in front of my very eyes.

Afterwards, your sentence structure is inconsistent, and you break your flow quite easily. I think you should add more deatail to the flashback, including introducing Klarissa, so that she doesn't seem like some random person out of no where. About your sentence structure, you talk about her getting a job or whatever, and then you start talking about childhood. Your transition into memory loss was too sudden. Quite too sudden.

Here's an excerpt from one of my stories, that kinda has to do with memory loss. 

" I touched the keychain bracelet fastened on my slender wrist. It was a silver tennis bracelet with gold lining, and attached to it was a silver key. It had the word alpelpesia engraved on the side of the key. It’s beautiful, I have to admit. What if it was a gift from someone? I don’t remember where it came from, or what it’s doing on my arm but-" <----- then it proceeds to a flashback, and then afterwards it's like :

"Someone was calling my name. I think it was Luhan. What is he talking about though? I never fell asleep. I was just…

Actually, I don’t even remember what I was ‘just’ doing.

“I’m fine Luhan, I was never asleep.” I replied quietly, not fully understanding why he was so alarmed. As far as I can tell, I was wide awake the entire time. I slid back into the hospital bed, making myself comfortable.

“No, you weren’t. I was watching you the entire time, I was sitting beside you Tao; I’m pretty sure if I was that close to you I would be able to notice you doing something weird.” He paused to take a deep, shaky breath. “You touched that keychain, and then you like, out or something. You would scream, and then your eyes would roll back into your head. It was like you were in a trance.”

“Yeah, Luhan is right babe. There was something weird going on with you. Do you remember anything that you saw?” Kris said, equally worried. I’m touched by the fact that Kris is distraught over what happened to me, but Luhan fawning over me like that was just plain annoying.

“I was not. But if you so adamantly believe that I was not awake, then fine. I remember nothing… I was awake though. I really was.”  I said, slightly annoyed."

You see how it wasn't obvious with the whole memory thing? I incorporated bits and pieces, and gave hints, but it wasn't like "BAM IN YOUR FACE" * for futh

er example, the story is called Lethal Paranoia.'

There's not much else to say, because your foreword is your author's note, lol. 

Characterization: (4/10)

I feel as though you rush to explain the way Karissa acts and thinks, instead of taking time to go in depth with detail about her past, her personality, etc. I feel as though you just wanna rush up to the romance parts. I feel as though you should involve Amy a little bit more, and slow down Eli and Kevin's progression so that it's more interesting and less rushed. Like, in just 6 chapters they have already kissed and she's like one step away from finding out who the guy in her dreams is? .-. 

Originality: (1.5/5) 

Well, you have heard me complain about the whole "Oppa Opppa" thing, right? It's just too commonplace and mundane; there are are so many stories similar to your story that it's tiring just to find a good OC story. :/ That's why I've only written like two OC stories, because I want to make sure they are well thought and not full of cheesiness. 

Plot: (6/10)

I said before, I feel as though the plot is rushed. I think that you should go back and add more detail, less action. Because you can't spew out a bunch of actoin before going in depth into the story, ya know?

Spelling/Grammar/Puncuation: (15/25)

There were lots of mistakes, but they were more 'I rushed and was careless' mistakes rather than 'My English isn't very fluent, so it's hard to put down coherent thoughts' types of mistakes.

I'll explain what I'm talking aboutwith an example. 

"I found some jeans and a shirt and quickly put it on."

Well, first of all, you name two things, so you should change 'it' to 'them' for the plural, or your best option would be to say 'and quickly threw the outfit on'.

You have the general idea, it's just inconsistancy with staying on track with it. 

Writing Style: (5/10)

It's alright, but it could be improved. I think that with practice, you'll become a better writer. 

Flow: (2.5/5)

Like I said before, it was not consistant. But I think that as I read futher chapters, it started becoming more clear, and a little bit more together. 

Enjoyment: (4/10)

I did not enjoy it as much as I was expecting to. Maybe next time! ^0^ 

Bonus: (0/5)

Overall Total: (44.5/100)

ohmysnappleshakes' note:

Sorry if I was too harsh! D: And sorry if some of this doesn't make sense... it's really late and I still have homework to do. .-.

Ooh, I also see that you live in Texas! I do too! :D 

shimaknae's note: 

Hope you are not too disappointed with the review! And I hope it helped you to improve! (: Sorry for the long wait; the previous reviewer was busy. Please pick up and comment below. Don't forget to credit the reviewer and the shop (with the banner) and link back!