“Umm…..you mean you love me as a fan”

“What?”

“I mean, I can understand you loving me as a fan since I’m this huge, sensational singer and everything. I mean, you meant to say that you love me as a fan right? Couldn’t possibly be anymore than that,”

Lee Seunghyun let go of her hug and stared her in the eyes, questioningly. Thunder-struck was written all over her face. Her eyes were wide with surprise as she stared at him back in bewilderment.  He held her by the shoulders as they stared at each other. Seohyun was still trying to put her thoughts back together after confessing her feelings to him; but what he said just now only made the job two times harder than it already was before.

What is he saying?

I don’t love him as a fan

Can’t he see that I’m in love with him?

She continued to ponder in confusion as she stared at his façade; which seemed more like amused, rather than unhumorous. She really didn’t get why he still couldn’t see her heartfelt feeling for him; even after she had bluntly confessed it and made it clear to him. Suddenly something hit her. As she stared deeper into his eyes, it became more apparent to her; that true feeling he was hiding behind those fake-perky eyes.

It’s that look again

“What? Is there something on my face?”

He gave her a sad excuse for a poker-face, with hopes that she would buy it. So far, her expression seemed steady; after the initial shock-stricken expression printed on her face earlier. Hence, he couldn’t really decipher the true meaning behind that solemn expression she was wearing on her face. She just kept staring at him like that, as if she had finally managed to perceive the falsehood behind his expression; and it was seriously giving him the creeps.

“Why are you staring like that?”

No reaction. Silence. Long stares. A minute went by, when suddenly….

“Do you love me too?”

Out of all the random questions she could have asked him in that sort of predicament, this one had certainly managed to evoke a storm of mass destruction inside his jumbled up thoughts at that moment; making it more hectic than before. Muddle-headed, baffled, shocked; or any other expression in the same league of definition would’ve been the perfect noun to describe how in the world he was feeling at that time. He was totally speechless. His hands were no longer on her shoulders when he suddenly stood up from the bench and darted his gaze away from her. Seohyun just watched his futile masquerade, to obscure his true feelings away from her knowledge.

“You do love me. You do, don’t you?”

“No! I can’t”

“Can’t,” she was now standing next to him, before slowly making her way in front of him to look at him; face to face.

Lee Seunghyun kept his eyes glued to the ground as the latter continued to stare at him, business-like. He simply didn’t have the strength to engage in a staring contest with her. Her eyes had somehow drained what’s left of his courage at that moment, and he just couldn’t lift his head up to face her. Time seemed to stop as silence swooped in and filled the air between them. She kept her eyes directly straight at him, as he continued to stare at the ground below.

“What do you mean you can’t? Does that mean you want to?”

This time; he had finally found his missing grit, and was now looking at her eye-to-eye as she let go those last few words. Never had he encountered such predicament before. This was definitely a whole new league of crisis that he had gotten himself into. He watched her expression. Eyebrows almost scrunched up to one. Tense and confusion lining her face. And a touch of uncertainty coloured her eyes. But what dominated her expression the most, were grief and hope; sad of denial, and hoping for acceptance. It was killing him to see her like that, but his ego for love, wouldn’t allow him to show it to her.

Is this how I looked like when it happened?

When she told me that it was over between us

But this is different

She never felt that pain before

I’m sorry, but you just don’t understand it

“Wow! Would you look at the time? It’s already late, and you need to get back to your dorm. Come on”

“But…”

“Hurry up. In case you didn’t hear, it’s already late now,” Lee Seunghyun was now marching his way towards her dorm which was just around the corner.

Seohyun simply stared at him from the back, as he continued to leave her behind without even looking back at her. It clearly showed that he had no intention; what so ever, to walk her back to her dorm. He was just walking away from her to avoid himself from talking any further about their love story. It was an excuse that she could easily puzzle out.

That’s it!; giving up wasn’t an option for her at that moment. She knew that she had to do something; and she wasn’t prepared to let him get away just like that.

“Hey Seohyun, come o…”

A jolt of surprise suddenly greeted him out of the blue when he felt something warm wrapped around his body. He looked at it and saw two hands covering the area around his chest. He looked back and that’s when realization hit him. It finally dawned on him that Seohyun was now hugging him from the back. Both of them remained motionless after that, as he let her continue to hug him. Few times he had been caught in an awkward situation before, but never had he been in this sort of circumstances before. He really didn’t know how to react when faced with this sort of dilemma. Thus, he opted to just stay quiet and wait for her to say something first. After what felt like a millennia, her lips finally started moving again.

“I saw it”

“Saw what?”

“That look in your eyes”

A sad smile graced his lips upon hearing those words, whilst he reached for her hands before gently, unfolding its grip around him. He turned around to face her; only to be greeted with the sight of her long face and eyes that were swelling with tears. His smile ebbed when he saw her like that. Many times had he reminded himself that no tears of her would fall due to his stupidity anymore; but love was just something that he couldn’t take up. The sight of her crying was not unbearable cause he was some gentleman or anything; instead it was love. That feeling of love for her that had somehow managed to successfully seep in under the layers after layers of ego that had stood tall around his heart, after all these years. He knew he had fallen head over heels for her. But his ego; that was driven by his fear of heartbreak, was just too substantial. He simply didn’t want to accept the calling of her love.

“Seohyun, you don’t know”

“You’re wrong. It’s the same thing”

“What is?”

“That fear you’re trying to hide. I can see it in your eyes,” tremors erupted inside his head when he heard her said that.

She was now crying and smiling; which made him even more muddle-headed. Her beaded eyes, along with her cheerful smile made him stare at her even longer; struggling to read her real emotion at that time. But the latter just kept on smiling at him with her wet eyes.

“I saw the same thing that night too,” Seohyun continued to smile like an idiot without even bothering to wipe away the tears that were running down her cheeks.

She wasn’t really crying because she was hurt or anything. The moment was just too emotional for her at that time, and crying was her way of showing it. She was actually elated to see his reactions. That surprised look on his face, told her that she was on the right track; that it still wasn’t too late for her to change his mind, and finally win his heart.

“When we ate jajangmyun together that night, I knew you had a problem. And I can see fear in your eyes that night. But I didn’t know what you were afraid of. Until just now, when you told me your story”

“What fear? I’m not afraid of anything,” this time Seohyun stared at him hard.

She knew that he knew better about the answer, but was just trying to snake his way out of the conversation. And he knew that she was getting closer to the answer; the problem that has been eluding him since that faithful night where he got his heart thorn to pieces. All of it, she saw; and she knew that she had to make him understand what he was actually feeling and at the same time, accept that fear he was suffering from.

“You’re afraid to love”

“What? That’s ridiculous. I’m not a….”

The words were silenced from him when she suddenly did the boldest thing yet that day. If you think the hug earlier was already more than he could handle, then a kiss would absolutely be a torment for him. But that was exactly what he felt when she cut off his words, and planted a soft kiss on his lips. It lasted for almost ten seconds. It was just a normal touch between their lips (no tongue-action, okay). Yet it still sparked a tsunami of perplexity throughout his nerve system. It totally jellified his whole body; if that was even possible, and totally made his knee go weak. But he still managed to keep himself upright until the kiss finally ended.

Both of them were silent after Seohyun finally pulled back from the kiss. She touched her lips and smiled, before looking at his stumped expression. She herself, was amazed with what she had just did. Other than the accidental kiss they had at the theme park earlier that day, this was like the first time that she had actually, intentionally kissed a guy. But what surprised her the most was the fact that she was the one who made the move first.

Wow!

Where did that come from?

Did I just kiss him?

I did, didn’t I?

Wait, now is not the time. Gotta tell him quickly

“Oppa, I’m sorry for kissing you like that. But I really need to tell you this,” his thoughts were still messed up at that moment, trying to recover from the shocking sudden kiss. But he was still aware of what she was saying; and this time he decided to just listen to her and keep his mouth shut.

“I may not know how heartbreak feels like, but you need to let go of the past and keep moving forward,” he had finally managed to put himself back together by the time she finished those words. His face tensed as he continued to stay quiet and listen to her.

“Maybe that breakup was what best for you at that time. I mean, maybe there was a reason behind that breakup. Maybe god had someone else out there for you. Someone better”

“Like you,” unconsciously blushing, she stared at his face with an awkward smile.

A giggle escaped as she carried on to ogle at his face. Seeing her smiling and giggling like that, really did ease down a bit the tension that clouded his emotion at that time. He thought about whether that smiley face of her; that he had been seeing all day, was what made him realize how beautiful she really was. But come to think of it, it made him realized how lucky he was, to even spend a day with her that day; and be blessed with the opportunity to see her smile like that.

He knew that she was the one that had turned his Valentine’s that day from downright torture, to simply heaven. He couldn’t deny the fact that she was the one that made his heart flutter out of control, after so many years of being soulless. She was that spark that rekindled his faith for love that had died out for such a long time. He started replaying her words inside his head now; listening closely and sensing the meaning behind those words at the same time.

“I don’t know whether god meant me as that someone better for you, but thanks to you I finally knew how it feels to be in love for the first time. And I’m grateful that we met that night and got to know each other. And…”

Lee Seunghyun could see that she was hesitating to finish her words. She was fidgeting; as if what she was going to say next, would change history or something remotely as incredible. But he didn’t want to rush her, and just waited for her to say it. Luckily, he didn’t have to wait long, before finally started to get animated again.

“And I’m really hoping that you could forget your past and open up your heart again. Because this stupid girl in front of you right now is not just in love with you as a fan, but this stupid girl is really, really, really….. in love with you. And I’m really hoping that you would love me back”

There, I did it.

I confessed to him again.

Please accept my love Lee Seunghyun.

He kept a straight face at her as she forged on to stare at him with hopeful eyes; keeping the faith that he would miraculously change his heart and return her love. No audible sound dared to invade the space between them at that moment; which was totally submerged in dead silence.  Seconds went by without any reaction from the latter. She was starting to lose hope when he suddenly looked at his watch and smiled at her. She felt elated upon seeing his smile, but what he said next wasn’t exactly what she had hoped to hear.

“It’s already pass twelve. Looks like Valentine’s day is over. Come on, it’s time for you to get back to your dorm. Your unnies are probably waiting for you right now,” and with that, he swiftly turned his back on her, and started walking again.

Seohyun was speechless. After giving him the talk of the century and saying the words ‘I love you’, his reaction was really heartbreaking. She no longer had the strength to rebut his action or stop him at that time. Preferably, she just watched him from the back before her feet unconsciously started moving on its own. Soon, she found herself following him from behind. No tears came out from her eyes anymore. She was so heartbroken at that time, that even crying wouldn’t help her sooth down the agony that occupied her dejected heart at that time.

So this is how it feels like.

To have your love turned down.

Now I understand oppa, and I’m sorry

I’m sorry that I loved you oppa.