The aroma of brewed coffee filled my nostrils as I sat inside a café with dark varnished wooden furniture and brick walls lined with abstract paintings. The blank screen in front of me taunted me to complete writing my article which was due in a few days. I had written a few paragraphs, but I ended up hitting the “back space” button until I was once again staring at an empty page.

I sighed heavily as I reached for the steaming cup of Americano sitting beside my laptop. I took a sip, and its bitterness instantly jolted me awake and aware of why I was so distracted.

That morning from two years ago, that morning that Jay left, constantly replayed in my mind like a heartbreaking rhapsody I could not erase.

“I can’t, Jay,” I said. “I can’t follow you to Korea. My entire life is here. I can’t just leave all this for you.”

Were those words I said really necessary? Did I have to make it seem like he wasn’t that important to me? He definitely wasn’t my entire world, but he was one of the reasons why I wanted to live. I loved him. I love him. And I will always love him, but I let him go like that.

He had called me several times after he left. But I never answered. I pushed him away. I regretted doing that. I hated myself, but I could not swallow my pride nor gather up courage to call him back after he finally gave up on calling me.

I was sure Jay no longer felt the same way about me. Why would he bother to remember the girl he searched for so diligently, but in the end refused to take a leap of faith for him? At that time, I was afraid that if I took that chance with him, my life would never be the same. It would be a mess. The eyes of the public would constantly be following me. I would be the object of ridicule of his fans. I might lose this job as a writer which I had worked so hard for. Even my family would have to suffer the consequences.

And now, Jay has finally achieved the success he had deserved for such a long time. The musical “Singin’ in the Rain” which he starred in, became a huge hit. Finally, producers had taken notice of how talented he is in both singing and acting. He gained so many fans in such a short period of time. He was casted in several dramas. TRAX’s new album had received an all-kill on several charts. TRAX’s music was finally put into the spotlight after they won on several music shows.

I was sincerely happy for him and Jungmo. But as I saw his performances and dramas on TV, I could not deny how much I missed him. I wished I could talk to him again, even just once, to apologize, to tell him that I love him and I think he’s a wonderful person who deserves everything good in the world…and to properly say goodbye. I didn’t deserve someone like him.

But if that opportunity came along, would I even have the courage to look at him in the eye and utter a single word?

“Good morning, Mr. Perez,” I greeted cautiously as I entered my boss’s office. “Your secretary told me that you wanted to speak to me.”

I stood by the door uncomfortably, worried if the article I had recently submitted was so terribly written that he, the editor-in-chief, had to call out my attention.

Mr. Perez, a handsome man who was still in his early thirties, pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and looked up from the unpublished articles he was reading. He smiled at me brightly and invited me to sit on the leather couch across his desk.

“I read what you turned in last Monday,” he said after I had seated myself.

I looked at him with worry in my eyes. Was he going to fire me?

“I’ve decided to place it on the front page as one of the featured articles for the next issue of our magazine.”

I couldn’t believe what I just heard, “I – I beg your pardon, sir?”

He laughed at my disbelief, breaking the ice of the encounter. “You heard it right, Ms. ____. The rest of the editors and I loved the article you wrote. It’s brilliant!”

“Thank you, sir,” I said, a smile starting to crawl on my lips. “I’ll work even harder next time.”

“Oh, indeed you will for your next assignment!” he replied. “You’re going to Korea for a one-on-one exclusive interview with one of the biggest stars.”

“To Korea?” I stammered.

“Yes, to Korea,” he replied. “You see, I was wondering which one of you writers I would send for such a huge task. It was difficult to book this interview since the artist is extremely busy with promotions and tours all over Asia. He’s such a huge star, and having this exclusive interview will surely boost our magazine’s sales for the coming months.”

I could only nod as I felt waves of trepidation rushing through my veins. Going to Korea meant that I might run into Jay. Suddenly, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to see him again. What if he despised me for not fighting for him? Color drained out of my face. I couldn’t blame him if he felt that way.

“Ms. ____, are you alright?” Mr. Perez asked as he noticed my reaction.

“I – of course, I am, sir. I’d be delighted to take on that task.” Oh goodness, did I really say that?

“Wonderful! You have so much potential for such a young writer. I know you’ll do the interview well.”

“But, sir,” I started, “I can’t speak Korean. Will there be an interpreter accompanying me during the interview?”

He sat up straight on the director’s chair as he searched his desk for something. “You don’t need to worry about that. The artist you’ll be interviewing speaks English quite well. He lived in California for a few years when he was younger.”

He finally found what he was searching for – a brown envelope which appeared thick because of its contents. Mr. Perez handed it to me. “I heard you’re a fan of Korean music and dramas, so I suppose you won’t be needing this…but this contains all the information about Jay Kim that might be useful to you as you formulate questions for the interview.”

“Sir, can you please repeat the name of the artist?”

“Jay Kim, Ms. ____,” he answered with a smile. “Are you a fan of his? Do you like him?”

“No, sir. I don’t like him; I love him,” I said in my mind. I managed to give him a nod.

“I thought so. Speak to my secretary on your way out to ask about the details of your flight. You’re leaving for Korea as soon as your visa is ready,” he told me.

“Alright, sir. Thank you very much. I’ll submit the questions for the interview as soon as I can,” I said before I exited his office.

I tapped my foot nervously as I waited for Jay outside the recording studio. One of the English-speaking staff from SM Entertainment approached me and checked my press ID and read through the set of questions I had prepared. She was probably about my age. She had her hair tied back into a neat ponytail which showed off her small face and her pretty double-lidded eyes. She smiled at me, “Great questions, by the way. Not the usual ones Jay-ssi gets during interviews, but not too prying to his personal life either.”

“Thanks,” I said.

“You look nervous,” she commented as she walked me to one of the meeting rooms inside the SM Entertainment building. “You don’t need to be. Jay-ssi is really nice. Here, have a seat while you wait. He’ll be here in about ten minutes.”

I thanked her and she left me alone in the meeting room to wait. I tried to distract myself by taking in my surroundings. The room was designed in a minimalist, modern style. Its huge glass windows faced the street which was lined with trees with leaves in the hue of orange. It was autumn, but the weak rays of sunlight was enough to illuminate the entire room.

All of a sudden, the door burst open. But it wasn’t Jay who had entered. It was Kim Heechul. His cherry-red hair was left hanging messily around his face. The stylish black clothes he wore made him appear even more intimidating. He seemed angry.  Heechul stared at me with a gaze so piercing it felt like he was staring right through me. I instantly knew that he knew who I was. Jay had told him about me.

“What are you doing here?” he asked me. “How could you just appear in front of him again after you broke his heart like that? Do you know how much it broke him after you let him go so easily?”

He was speaking in Korean, which made it hard for me to understand him, but the biting tone of his voice made his message clear: he did not want Jay to see me.

I was speechless. I wanted to explain, but no words would come out from my mouth.

“Leave,” he told me.

And just as I was about to do so, Jay entered along with his manager.

It was as if time had stopped inside that room. Jay could not hide the surprise in his face upon seeing me. I could only clasp my hand over my mouth to stop myself from sobbing. Heechul stared back and forth between me and Jay.

The tension in the air was so heavy; it was impossible to breathe.

Jay said my name, but this time with a different edge in his voice, as if my name was poison in his mouth that he needed to spit out.

“Do you know each other?” his manager asked, the only one oblivious to the entire situation.

“No – no, of course not,” Jay mumbled as he looked away from me.

“Heechul-ssi, what brings you here?” Jay’s manager asked.

“Nothing, hyung. I was just walking around. I better leave now,” Heechul answered as he gave me one last deadly glare and walked out.

“Let’s just proceed with the interview,” Jay said. “Can we skip the formalities?  You already know who I am, and I don’t need to know who you are.”

I tried my best to regain my composure. I nodded and kept a straight, emotionless expression. Whatever explanations I had, I could not say it here in front of his manager. The look on Jay’s face made it clear that he wanted to keep our past relationship – or what could have been a relationship – a secret from his manager.

I went straight and asked him questions without meeting his eyes. He answered readily and wittily. I could feel his gaze at me the entire time. As the interview came to an end, I finally looked up to see his face.

I knew I had lost my chance with him forever.

I went on pretending like there had been nothing between us. I shook hands with him and had our picture taken together for the magazine. He placed an arm around my shoulder as the photographer came in and snapped our picture.

“Goodbye,” he said coldly after our business together was over.

Much as I tried to hold myself together, a single teardrop escaped my eye. “Goodbye, Jay,” I choked out as I tried to keep my tears and sobs at bay. “I’m sorry.”

I quickly walked out of the room and kept my head down as I made my way out of the building. This was the way I lost the love of my life: I allowed my cowardice to consume me.

It was storming heavily when I stepped out of the building. I had not brought an umbrella with me. I was soaked in a few seconds, but I kept walking farther away, allowing myself to be drenched, allowing my tears to fall freely on my cheeks.

I never imagined it would be possible for me to feel my heart breaking from pain and bitter, unexplainable regret, but at that moment I felt it happen. And I hated myself because it wasn’t only my own heart that I had broken; I had broken Jay’s too. I had hurt Jay; Jay who only loved me and cared for me so much. Jay who was so dedicated and sincere in everything he did.  He deserves all the love in the world…and that was something I was unable to give him.

I walked by one of the old promotional banners of Jay from the “Singin’ in the Rain” musical. He held a blue umbrella and wore a small smile for the camera. He looked amazing, amazing as always. I stopped walking and studied it carefully. I could only smile wistfully as the cold wind and raindrops fell harshly over my face.

“I’m sorry I didn’t fight for you. I loved you, I still do, and I always will. I was too afraid of what other people would say about me – about us. I was afraid I would ruin your life, your career…I knew how much you love being a singer and an actor,” I said to the banner as if it could hear me. “And I’ll be honest. I was being selfish. I didn’t want to leave the life that I knew…”

“But, Jay, I don’t know how I’ll live without you,” I broke down as fresh tears formed in my eyes.

It was over. It was all over.

I noticed that I could no longer feel the rain pouring down on me though it continued to storm. I looked up and saw a blue umbrella hovering above my head. I could smell the scent of rain and cologne, and feel someone’s warm breath at my ear. I turned around.

“Jay-ssi…” I whispered, unable to believe that he was there behind me. How long had he been standing there?

He said my name again; now, without the ice in his voice, but with the same gentleness that he uttered it when he first saw me two years ago. “Jagiyah, I – I don’t know how to live without you either.”

With that, he pulled me into a warm, crushing hug. He eventually allowed the umbrella to fall from his grip. I hugged him back, holding on to him as if I would fall into pieces if I didn’t. I could feel him shaking as he cried into my shoulder. “You weren’t the one being selfish. I was. I should have thought about what it would have meant for you to be with me. I’m sorry.”

“Jay…don’t say such things,” I said as I cupped his face with my hands. He looked handsome even when he cried.

He placed his hands over mine, and slowly moved them away from his cheeks before he kissed the back of my hands.

“I missed you. I really missed you,” I told him.

“I missed you more,” he told me.

“I know it won’t be easy, and I know I may be asking for too much…but will you spend your entire life with me?” Jay asked, his beautiful brown eyes looking sincerely at me.

“I love you, Jay.” I said, and this time, without fear in my voice, “Yes, I will.”

He smiled. Now his eyes were gleaming with happiness. I’m sure mine were too.

He leaned in closer so that both our foreheads were leaning on each other and our lips only mere centimeters apart. “I love you,” he whispered.

He kissed me under the pouring rain. I couldn’t have been happier. It was the beginning of our everlasting story.