'Saranghae.'

I had almost expected an explosion the second I sent the text. But seconds came and went, and so did minutes. Everyone in the gym was still alive and happily celebrating the last day of school.

The big clock that hung across from me on the gym's wall taunted me. Tick. Tock. Fifteen minutes had passed and catcalls suddenly erupted from a group of boys gathered by the window, along with my name. I felt vibrations on my thigh and quickly took my cell phone out.

'I don't.'

I couldn't make sense of everything fast enough - all I knew was that I had to get out of here.

Before they could start looking for me and tease me, I calmly walked out the door. Once I was outside the gym sitting on one of the benches in the front foyer, I realized I should also be humiliated.

Why had he shown everyone the text? Maybe someone saw it over his shoulder...

He also said he doesn't love me back.

Why?

All the signs - those sweet, fleeting moments, those subtle gestures imbibed with care... Were all of those hallucinations too?

Just then I saw him walk outside, probably to leave. He didn't look at me even once...

I also just noticed my best friend had followed me and had been sitting beside me this whole time. Since it was probably the last time I was going to see her, I tried to strike up a normal conversation - but my mind was still numb from the recent events. She knew this too; judging by the small, sympathetic smile she wore.

I couldn't take it anymore. I looked outside through the windows, expecting him to have left already. But no; he was still there - and he had been looking right at me. He looked away quickly, continuing a conversation with a teacher I had never seen him talk to before.

My friend's hand caught me by surprise as it suddenly came into my line of vision and gently wiped away a tear. I hadn't even realized I was crying... It was like my senses had been cut off to the point where the only thing that mattered was him. Anything not connected with him was automatically sent to the back of my mind - including my tears.

 

It was like I was blind to anything that wasn't him.

He and I kept sneaking glances at each other for God knows how long, looking away quickly when we caught the other's eye.

After a while, we just gave up the pretense of talking to someone entirely and just full-out stared at each other through the window.

I looked at the teacher he was supposed to be talking to and saw that he was shaking his head slightly while silently chuckling. I had a feeling my friend was doing the same thing.

Why was he staring at me if he didn't love me back? And why did it look like he was in pain?

I turned to my friend, said goodbye - for what was probably the last time - hugged her, and got up. As soon as I straightened up and caught his eye, he turned away - a stray tear flying into the air from the sudden motion.

I knew his intention was to run, and so I ran the instant I was stable on my feet - but it still wasn't fast enough.

Having been friends for almost a year, I thought there was this silent agreement between us that we both liked each other and that we could never be together because I was moving to California soon. I always knew he liked me back, but had doubted that because of his text. Yet now I stuck to the previous thought. I knew him well enough - the pain in his eyes, the crying, the silent agreement - he was doing this so at least I could have a little less pain. So at least I would think he doesn't love me and would move on.

By the time I was in the spot where he had been standing, he was no-where to be seen. Tears were openly flooding down my face and I slowly started to stagger towards the bus stop. I wanted to look back towards my school - the school that had given me so much and had made me realize what real friendship and love is - I wanted to look back, but I didn't. I wanted to turn around and run back, but I didn't.

 

I just kept walking.

 

Well his "plan" didn't work. A year had passed since I last saw him and I still loved him.

Not a day went by without me thinking, 'Does he even think about me? Does he still love me, or has he moved on? Is he happy now?'

These are the thoughts that haunt me night and day.

The thoughts that race through my head as I rock and cry myself to sleep.

The thoughts that cause me to have him with me in my life - even if it is as a hallucination.