There are so many kinds of ‚love‘ in this world we live in.

Love between siblings, parents and their children, friends, love towards things you love to do, to eat, to smell etc., even love you feel towards your pet.

And last but not least there is the love between lovers.

So how can we clearly define when love starts and when it ends?

When is it just ‘to like’ and when is it ‘to love’?

There is a saying that even lovers are just close friends after all, does that mean every friend is a potential lover?

And how do we fall in love? Because of specific actions? Or are people bond together form the very beginning?  

 

That are things I wonder about when I am looking out of the window on all these people walking on the sideway in front of the company building.

I sometimes just stand there and watch the people pass. It is my usual spot since my debut 2 years ago.

Yeah you read right, I had my debut as a solo artist under YG Entertainment 2 years ago.

Maybe I should tell you about that first before I continue with my story.

 

Let me introduce myself:

Hello dear readers! My name is Kim Ri Ah and I am 20 years old. Since I had my debut with the name ‘Lilith’ pretty much everyone calls me that. Just people that have known me since my trainee days, actually call me by my real name.

When I found out that I was going to debut as a solo artist, I was totally against it. I never wanted to stand on stage with the only person I could rely on being myself.

 I always searched shelter in groups. There all have the same fear of screwing up the performance and you try to comfort each other (well in most cases). And if you are honest, it looks pretty amazing when a group of 3 or more perform one song on one stage as one. 

 

After a lot of protest and YG not giving in, well actually it wasn’t a lot of protest, I told him I wanted to debut in a group and he simply asked me if I wanted to debut or not. So my desire of living the dream I always wanted to live overtook me and I gave in.

Preparing for my debut and the first days weren’t as hard as I imagined them to be. The first time I realized I was really tired out was the first day I actually had free time for myself. I nearly collapsed on my couch and spent all my precious free time sleeping.

 

I am sure I sound ridiculous saying I felt a bit lonely even with all the people around me each day taking care of me. But from time to time I realize I am still feeling lonely. I sometimes even ask myself if becoming a singer was worth leaving my friends and family and every time a quite hoarse voice in my brain shouts out a big ‘YES’.   I think that voice belongs to my ego.

 

But never the less back to my story!

 

 As I have already told you, I am standing next to a big window and watching the people outside.

I was doing that until I heard someone calling for me.

“Ri Ah! Have you already eaten?” Chaerin came half running to me. That Unnie and I became friends during our trainee days so she always switches between Lilith and Ri Ah.

 

I just gave her a tired smile and shook my head. Chaerin was compared to me really cheerful and full of energy, so she took my hand and dragged me with her through the long corridor. Soon we reached Bom, Dara und Minzy and went to a near restaurant. It was already late and we were the only customers. Ok I have to admit the restaurant isn’t well known and in a district were just a few people live. Not a good place, I know but nearly all YG artists and employees go there because it’s only 5 minutes away and of course because the food is good too.

 

I think I should stop bragging about that restaurant, sorry I sometimes get lost in my thoughts.

 

The girls and I were talking about their dating ban.

“I really want to date someone! Don’t you think it’s unfair? I mean we survived 3 years of not dating but I’m soon turning 28 and I don’t have a boyfriend!” Dara kept whining as we waited for our food to arrive.

I just gave her a slight glare when she didn’t stop making these whining sounds. “Can’t we switch the theme? I still have over a year of that ban left…And it’s quite frustrating to see that YG decided not to lift your ban.”

Chaerin chuckled. “Your future love life seems really bright.”

“Why don’t you try dating in secret Dara-Unnie?”  When I tried to search for an answer in her eyes she just glanced a bit frustrated at Chaerin.

“Ah, Arasso…Chaerin-unnie why do see it that strict with the dating ban? Don’t you want to date someone too? Isn’t there someone you like?”

CL sighed and gave me a bit of a pout. “For sure I want! But I am also 2NE1s leader and I’m for sure going to get scold if one of them dates!”

 “Come on! We all want to date! You want it too so what’s standing in the way? I’m quite sure Lilith would keep quiet about it!” Bom gave me a look, so I just nodded my head eagerly.

Bom and Dara continued to try to convince Chaerin to let them date secretly.

 

Hearing them talking about how it would be like to date someone they really love gave me something to think about.

 

And I realized something. Up until now in my 20 years of life I was never really in love with someone. For sure I had a boyfriend during High School but he confessed to me and I just agreed to it because I told myself ‘give it a try he’s not a bad guy’. He was like a very close friend to me and I loved him like one but not in a special way, you know? I loved him like I loved all my other close friends. So how does it feel like to be madly in love with someone? Some people say that love comes slowly and quietly, so does that mean they don’t realize that they feel more than friendship towards someone? Then what gives you the right to say ‘You love him like a lover and not like a friend’? Couldn’t it be that you just love him like a very good friend and kept telling yourself that you absolutely must be in love with him up until you believed it yourself?

 

I am wondering if he and I are maybe in love…