CHAPTER ONE:Lee Sung Yeol

 

 

There it was again, that weird feeling that made his insides squirm. He could sense something wasn’t right, but he was trying his best to ignore it and get some rest, since tomorrow they had recording at an ungodly hour in the morning. SungGyu couldn’t really understand it. Why–when they were about to do their comeback and release their newest album–did their CEO decide to let them do a reality show? That was a lot of pressure for Infinite to handle. As the leader, he knew the strength of the members but still, being idols didn't mean they weren't human. It seemed the company forgot about that after New Challenge.

 

Knowing he wasn’t going to fall asleep anytime soon, and noticing his stomach kept protesting in need of some food, SungGyu decided to make a small trip to the kitchen. Carefully, he closed the door of his bedroom, trying his best not to make any noise. He didn’t want to wake his roommate up.

 

Under his bare feet he could feel the cool wooden floor. SungGyu loved that refreshing sensation, it reminded him that summer had just arrived. Out of all seasons, there was just something about summer that made it his favourite, even with the unexpected rain storms and volatile temperatures. Maybe it was the fact that it brought a bit of calm and comfort to the youngsters of Infinite. Maybe not.

 

Before he could reach the kitchen, something–someone–a curled figure in the living room, caught his attention. Those long legs were so obvious it didn’t matter that the moonlight couldn’t illuminate the owner’s face. SungGyu knew exactly who it was. Slowly, he approached SungYeol who was sitting on the big sofa.

 

“Hey.”

 

His whisper reached the younger boy's ears who quickly turned to look at him, his eyes were red and wide open in surprise at SungGyu’s sudden appearance.  

 

“Hyung,” his voice sounded so young and innocent.

 

“Can’t sleep again?”

 

It was the fourth night straight that SungGyu had found him awake and restless.

 

“…I just can’t,” SungYeol’s words sounded muffled since his face was hidden behind the tangle of arms and legs. That barricade was created to not show the lame version he had become to his leader. He felt so ashamed.

 

After a sigh, SungGyu sat next to him. “It’s okay, SungYeol-ah—”

 

“It’s not,” SungYeol exclaimed, anger could be seen in the eyes that were now piercing SungGyu’s. The expression didn't last long as it rapidly changed into a painful one that looked away, “I can’t stop thinking about it, Hyung... all the time, more questions appear in my mind... so many useless thoughts, too many what if's...” Just like that, an uncomfortable silence surrounded them. The older man noticed how his shoulders were shaking, and hands trembling. SungGyu didn’t like what he was seeing, “…I’m so scared… what... what if they actually kick me out of the group?”

 

As the years passed, SungYeol had developed a special love for Infinite. Before, it didn't really matter to him–to begin with, being an idol wasn't his goal in life–but now, he feared losing it all. He was one of the strongest members in the group, SungGyu had known that for a long time. Behind his spontaneous and fierce personality, there was a wilful and intelligent man that always worked behind the scenes to make Infinite a better group. He wasn't a front man but that didn't mean he wasn't needed. Cliché or not, SungYeol was one of Infinite's pillars. Even with all that strength, the tallest member couldn't stop his tears from finally falling. Slowly, one by one, they started to trace their way down SungYeol’s face.

 

“I won’t allow that,” SungGyu said in a low, but firm tone, “It wasn’t your fault. I believe in you.”

 

“So what if you believe in me?! They don’t,” SungYeol hissed, furiously wiping away his useless tears. He knew the situation he was in, he didn’t need pretty words. “If I hadn’t done that—I shouldn’t have insulted them but I was so jealous, Hyung. I was so damn jealous it drove me crazy! I just couldn’t… I lost it…”

 

“You were drunk, you weren’t completely aware of your actions,” SungGyu kept stating the facts.

 

“I wasn't that drunk and my feelings were real…” SungYeol lowered his face as a dark expression coloured it. His feelings–the only thing he owned–were surely real.

 

His heated tears kept falling, but now, he wasn’t eager to fight them back, he just let them be. He didn’t care how stupid he seemed in front of SungGyu anymore. He wanted to let it all out. To be free of his useless thoughts and fears, at least for tonight.

 

“Hyung,” his voice was barely a whisper. “You know? I’m pretty much cursed. Even if I try, I can't sleep now.”

 

“You can, you just need to calm down.”

 

SungYeol shook his head slowly with a sour smile on his lips, “Everytime I close my eyes I see it... I see his face perfectly.”

 

SungGyu could see how the other boy's jaw trembled as he spoke. He knew the memories were coming back, so with care, he reached for SungYeol's shoulders, trying to show his support.

 

“I keep seeing it, over and over again,” SungYeol’s broken voice indicated to SungGyu that he wished to be anywhere but here. The way he was looking at the moon with a longing gaze, although indifferent to his plight, seemed to show that if he could, that is where he would rather be.

 

“He was aiming at my face. All I did was move to the side… and then, out of nowhere… the car just—” SungYeol’s voice cracked; he could barely speak since the sobs were choking him. “He—right away… If I hadn’t, If I hadn’t  moved back then… then I... I could be the one dead. I could be dead by now, Hyung! Dead!”

 

As if a spell had been broken, that one word had SungYeol breaking down in tears, proving he was still just a kid. A twenty-four year old kid in need of compassion and help. He needed someone, he needed his leader.

 

Without saying a word, SungYeol clung to his leader’s shirt, trying to gain some stability, comfort... anything from the older man. He was crying his heart out, not caring about the noise he was making. His shoulders shook with each choked and violent sob, making his leader’s heart ache. SungYeol was hurting so much and SungGyu didn't know what to do. It had been so long since he last saw a member like that, but no one had ever been so affected because of one mistake.

 

However, no one in Infinite had ever been caught in such a terrible scandal before.

 

No one.

 

“Yeol-ah,” SungGyu whispered, letting SungYeol break down in his arms.

 

As the minutes passed the young man’s cries became weaker until eventually, they stopped. There were no more tears to cry. The entire time, SungGyu had kept petting SungYeol’s hair and whispering little nothings and lame jokes. Somewhere between the cries and curses SungYeol fell asleep. SungGyu didn’t want to move since he didn’t want to wake the younger idol up. He was finally asleep, all that crying had drained the last drop of strength SungYeol had.

 

As gentle as he could, SungGyu dried the boy’s cheek, only to find that SungYeol was burning. He had a fever.

 

“No wonder,” SungGyu sighed.

 

“He’s sick, right?”

 

A deep voice sounded, surprising him for a second.

 

“God! MyungSoo, what are you doing awake? You should be sleeping,” SungGyu finally noticed that L was standing right in front of them. How long had he been there?

 

MyungSoo just shrugged before fixing his fallen tank top strap, “I’ll take care of him, you should get some sleep, Hyung.”

 

SungGyu looked up at the younger male’s unreadable face. Even with attempted indifference, SungGyu could sense L's worry. The way his fingertips moved gently up and down SungYeol’s cheek was enough evidence to prove the leader was right. MyungSoo was worried. Why wouldn’t he? After all, he and SungYeol held a tight and unique relationship. Outsiders, fans and interviewers simply called them best friends. For members and people inside the entertainment industry, there was no one that didn’t find those words too short and simple to describe it. The bond these two–unrelated people–shared was special, it was almost utopic. At least in their reality.

 

He sighed giving up, “I’ll help you look after him.”

 

 

An hour had passed and SungYeol’s fever seemed to start going down thanks to the home remedies MyungSoo knew. For being such a klutz, the idol did a good job. SungGyu had praised him a dozen times but the younger boy always gave the credit to his mother. He had seen her methods way too many times when younger to not know how to take care of a fever.

 

“Say, Hyung. When will you tell us what actually happened to Yeol?” MyungSoo murmured while fixing the pillow that was underneath SungYeol’s head. His voice still monotonous, his eyes busy following his long fingers that were moving the sleeping idol’s fringe from his face. “Since that night you’ve been avoiding the question just like Geonam-hyung and JungRyul-hyung do, because of that we’re left only with the bull the media says.”

 

A sigh escaped from SungGyu’s mouth since he hated the answer he was about to give. Orders were orders. “Right now I can’t tell you.”

 

“You should. The reporters keep on asking us questions that make us uncomfortable. Not because of the questions, but rather because we don't know the answer either. We can’t even record peacefully because everyone's wondering what’s really going on with SungYeol,” MyungSoo’s voice started to sound harsh as his words kept going. Directly or indirectly, SungYeol affected the younger male and it didn’t help the fact that the older male didn’t open up to him. “He’s at the dorms yet he can’t appear in the reality show and why the hell do people keep saying he’s a—?” He paused, his eyes piercing the floor with his cold stare. L didn't dare to say it out loud. He didn’t want to.

 

He finally let his emotions shine through, his eyes reflecting his inner turmoil.

 

“He’s not that...” SungGyu felt so annoyed. How could people say that about SungYeol?

 

Murderer.

 

That was a strong word that didn’t fit with SungYeol at all. How could he be that kind of person? He was just a lost kid that ended up in big trouble. God, everything was a mess, he just wanted to explain it all to his dongsaengs and the fans but he couldn’t. He had been forbidden.

 

“I’ll just tell you this,” SungGyu looked into L's sharp eyes. “Whatever people say, whatever you hear, don’t believe it. He didn’t kill anyone. It was an accident.”

 

 

♫

 

 

“Seems you’re pretty excited about this new album.”

 

“Actually I am,” SungGyu answered his VJ, a playful grin painting his features. “The songs are awesome and we’re actually wrapping up the last one. Right now, L is recording his part. He’s been there for ages so those idiots are just goofing around,” he pointed at the other members as his wide smile changed instantly to his usual sour  expression.

 

“I’m not,” SungJong was the first one to defend himself while doing a pretty complex step between the coffee table and the glass door. Hoya's eyes showed his lack of approval.

 

“It’s wrong again. Why won’t you move your arm correctly, SungJong? I don’t even know how many times you’ve done it now,” Hoya didn't know if he should laugh or cry at the maknae's repetitive mistake. Groaning at his own confusion he took a seat next to SungGyu, he had given up on the kid.

 

“Yeah, you keep on doing that weird movement,” their leader imitated SungJong in an exaggerated way from the couch making Hoya laugh his stress away.

 

“That’s not true, Hyung. I don’t do it like that! I’m doing it right,” the youngest idol whined making SungGyu laugh too.

 

As years passed, it became harder for the older members to make their maknae act like a brat or to order him around. He wasn't a kid anymore.  None of them were.

 

“You’re not,” Hoya insisted for the last time, though he wasn't as serious as he was a moment ago.  

 

Infinite was in one of the company’s studios recording their album's last song and being filmed for the reality show. The waiting room was pretty big but having the program's crew, Woollim’s recording director and the Infinite members made it smaller than it really was. Still, SungJong kept dancing, trying to understand why his movement was wrong while WooHyun and DongWoo kept being their loud selves. Both of them were having a great time messing around with Special Girl's rap. Even the writers and VJ’s couldn't hold their laughter.

 

“Oh god! That last line!” DongWoo laughed so hard that tears were forming in his eyes. WooHyun just smirked at him, feeling proud of his pretty complex, if not lame rap he had re-created.

 

“It’s my version. If Hoya ever gets sick and the sub-unit needs to perform it, I’ll gladly take his place,” WooHyun joked before changing another verse from the rap. This time, SungGyu couldn't stop himself from laughing along with DongWoo.

 

“It’s not that funny,” HoWon rolled his eyes, yet his mouth was curled up on one side contradicting his words.

 

“You know it is Hoya,” WooHyun smiled widely at the dancer.

 

“Not really. Funny are the ones SungYeol raps,” SungJong grinned for a few seconds before controlling himself.

 

None of the guys were laughing at his comment. In fact, all of them had instantly diverted their eyes away from the cameras–cold or worried expressions were covering their faces. They had been doing well for the recording today but now, thanks to their maknae, the mood dropped in an instant. Certainly, whenever SungYeol started rapping in a playful way, he could make them all laugh their hearts out, but right now SungYeol wasn’t with them. He was at the dorms with manager JungRyul who was taking care of him and his fever.

 

At the sudden silence, SungJong whispered an imperceptible apology, his eyes looking regretfully at the floor.

 

Silence.

 

“Well, he does manage to rap pretty awesome lyrics, right?" Out of nowhere came the soft voice from MyungSoo who had finished his recording, provoking some half smiles. Finally, the uncomfortable atmosphere was disappearing.

 

“Yah, when did you finish recording?” WooHyun said with a loud voice, standing up from the sofa.

 

“A while ago.”

 

“You should’ve told me,” Woohyun said impatiently, hurrying to the recording cabin. He had been waiting for so long now, he was dying to sing his part.  

 

He couldn’t help but smile gently at L to show him his gratefulness, but the younger boy simply nodded.

 

 

It was around seven in the evening when the group finally finished recording their last song. They were pretty tired and stressed. One thing was recording a song and another, was having to follow a script while doing it, so when one of their managers said that was it for the day, SungJong actually went to hug JungRyul in a grateful and slightly dramatic way.

 

The ride home went silently since DongWoo was busy listening to his iPod and WooHyun was drooling on L’s shoulder. The only sound was Cross Gene on the radio and SungJong’s groans while playing some hand games with Hoya.

 

“Hyung, did JungRyul-hyung call?” SungGyu, who was sitting at the front seat, asked in a casual way, his eyes looking through the window.

 

“Yeah, I talked with him before you finished recording,” Manager Geonam said after a while, his eyes averting from the road for a second to catch SungGyu’s profile.

 

“Did he say anything about SungYeol-ah?” Came the leader’s direct question calling everyone’s attention. The atmosphere slowly tensed.

 

“Well, it seems SungYeol managed to eat something before falling asleep… and the fever’s finally gone,” their manager added, knowing the kids were listening to him except for WooHyun who was on the seventh cloud.

 

“That’s good,” Hoya said in a low voice, getting a nod from SungJong.

 

“Geonam-hyung?”

 

DongWoo’s voice sounded from the back.

 

“You wanna stop at the coffee shop?” The manager guessed, looking at him from the rear-view mirror.

 

“No, it’s not that,” DongWoo said, placing his headphones on his neck. “It’s just... what happened with SungYeol? He will later record his part, right? He’s the only one who missed recording it today.”

 

For the members of Infinite, everything changed abruptly. None of them were ready for what they were living now. Finding out one morning that SungYeol had his lips open, some severe bruises that marred his pale skin, bloodshot eyes and a weary, if not devastated, posture, was something that instantly shocked them all. They kept asking him, and the older people, what happened yet no one answered them. Not even their CEO would broach the issue. All he ever said was that no one was allowed to talk about it until further notice to avoid any further problems.  The only thing Infinite was allowed to know was the fact that SungYeol’s activities with the group were frozen.

 

After all the commotion from seeing their tall member’s situation, WooHyun ended up crying onto SungYeol’s feeble figure while hugging him and demanding him to speak up, SungJong trying to calm him down while Hoya and DongWoo on the other side kept asking themselves what actually happened. MyungSoo was the only silent one, silent and aggressive since he kept piercing SungGyu with his cold stare.

 

From then on, anything that involved SungYeol was either awkward or discouraging for Infinite. Having the tall man at the dorms made it worse. They were so close to him and still they weren’t able to communicate with him. There was no bridge to connect them. They wanted answers. They felt so insecure. They felt so useless for Infinite and for their band member who wasn’t himself anymore. No more unexpected comments or playful pranks. No more exaggerated reactions or sly remarks. The SungYeol they knew was gone.

 

Desperate to find some answers, Hoya was the first one to search for them on the Internet. What he found left him speechless, he couldn’t believe what the article said so he searched somewhere else. Site after site, click after click, almost the same scandal was written being in korean, japanese or english. SungJong who was next to HoWon dropped to the floor, his head never stopped shaking.

 

“These are lies.”

 

Both of them kept it a secret, not knowing if it was good idea to share it with the others. Yet their secret didn’t last long. That night WooHyun found out about it while watching the news. For a few seconds he froze in front of the TV. Fighting against his shock, he managed to call out for the other members with a broken voice but he didn’t really need to since DongWoo and L heard the television from the kitchen. When SungJong noticed what the others were doing, he begged WooHyun to turn it off but he didn’t listen to him. They kept looking at it, motionless until Hoya disconnected the appliance. A cold pause spread through the living room. None of the members protested, knowing HoWon had done the right thing - not even WooHyun who was normally quick to contradict HoWon. None of them said a thing. Unconsciously, everyone ended up agreeing. Why would they listen to a stranger’s words? If someone knew exactly what happened it would be SungYeol. No one else.

 

After that, none of them looked for information from the media. Yes, they wanted answers but they decided they wouldn’t pressure SungYeol to get them. They could wait. And like that, they accepted, unwillingly, their managers’ silence since they had orders they needed to keep. Still, five days had passed and now DongWoo was truly concerned about his dongsaeng. He wanted the truth. Even if it was just a small part of it. He needed it.

 

“I’m sorry DongWoo,” came Geonam’s sincere answer.

 

 

 

 

edited by xxidpeace