A minute passed silently. I gazed at the starless sky. Time seemed to be crawling. I grabbed a rope, preparing to leap down when Minho’s words came into my mind again. With that, I looked up at Jonghyun. He stared at me with such sincerity that I nearly could not recognize this guy. It was then that I realized he was still holding on to my hand.

“Believe me,” he repeated as he released my hand. I felt a surge of loss. “What is the reason that causes you to be so reserved? How did your parents…pass away?”

I expected the tears to well up inn my eyes but they did not. I wanted so much to lay my head on his shoulder, but I feared he might feel uncomfortable. I shook my head a few times to hide how much I wanted to cry. It was not easy. “I killed them.”

“Tell me more. Let me help.”

“You can’t help!” I yelled, my voice echoing in the quiet night.

“Believe in me!”

“You wouldn’t—”

“You have to be—”

“It’s too—”

“Believe me!”

“No one can help—”

“I can help you. I really can. Let me help, please. Believe in me.”

Believe in me.

Somehow, my heart melted and I gave in. I had always thought that belief was not strong enough to change anything. However, it was something else that made me believe him.

I believe you.

“I was born into a perfect family. I had a father who drove a taxi and a mother who cooked for others,” I started, not daring to face him.

“That’s very good. Go on.”

“We lived simply, yet happily. My father worked seven days a week. Every night, I would wait for my father to buy supper for us. The three of us would eat while watching television. That late-night meal was the only time for us to be together. I would tell them about the new bully in school. They would teach me how to fight back. Life was perfect. Just so perfect. Until one day…one day…” Whenever the memories flowed back, I would close my eyes to let the tears flow smoothly. But this time, I was already so tired and my heart was so dried up. “One day…that day…” I took a long, deep breath. “It all happened.
 

All about my screwed up life came tumbling out like rocks from an avalanche.

“I was totally dejected with my broken family. Then I met a group of friends at some stairway. They showed me new ways to relax: smoking, drinking... I was lured in by the thought of not having to care. I smoked my days away.”

“I cannot imagine you were once a smoker,” Jonghyun said.

“Home was just a place for me to seek quarrels. I tried my best to stay away from home. My mother would always call me names like ‘jinx’ or ‘’ even when she was sober. Finally, one day, I had had enough. I put all my clothes into a bag and shouted to her, ‘I hope you’ll die in a car accident, just like Dad. And I hope you’ll get crushed by a big lorry!’ After that, I stayed in my friend’s house for two days.

“And, two days later…” I was shuddering, my tears rolling out faster. I tried to wipe them off, but they kept coming. I felt like jumping down to the ground, ending the ordeal. Without warning, Jonghyun embraced me, his body warming me up. He was shuddering along with me. I whispered, “Two days later, my mother was crushed by a big lorry. She died on the spot.”

I always believed I was this huge walking mess that would screw up everyone's lives. So I never bothered to talk to anyone, let alone look at anyone in the eye.

It was comfortable in Jonghyun's embrace but I couldn't.

I just couldn't.

I can't.

Sorry.

I wrestled out of his grip and made my way down the pyramid as fast as I could. As fast as my arms would allow me to and I ran. I ran and didn't look back. And at that moment, despite believing my heart was forever dry, I cried. Tears were streaming like the day my Dad died.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

OUCH. WHAT WAS I THINKING WHEN I WAS WRITING THIS CHAPTER?!