"Make me famous," Kai enunciated each word. "Make me famous Bae Suzy." 

I stared into Kai's dark brown eyes. "Kai," I gently pushed his arms off my shoulder. "You're an idol. You're already famous." 

Kai shook his head. "This kind of fame won't last long. When a new idol group or a hit song comes out, I'll be forgotten."

"I can't give you eternal fame." 

"But you can take me to the height of my career," Kai cleared his throat. "Let me use you."

Anger and desperation was in Kai's eyes. He was a slave to fame, and that scared me. 

"Why did you choose to be a celebrity?" 

He averted my eyes. "Just cause." 

I became angry with his nonchalant reply. "Some people, they can't even debut because of their lack of talent, looks, and worst, their lack of luck," I tried to hold back my rage. "But here you are, an idol for the wrong reasons. You debuted sporting a handsome face and sponsored by a well-known entertainment, but what else do you have?"

I let out a sarcastic laugh. "Your rookie fame will die out soon. Kai, you're just a flickering flame." I turned towards my van, ready to leave. 

"I want to feel special," Kai stuttered. "I want to be loved," he shouted. 

I froze as Kai's familiar words rang in my head. 

"Make me famous," Kai yelled at me. "You have to. If I let the press know about your secret feelings for L, it won't just hurt you. L will be put in an awkward situation too." 

I slowly turned around in defeat. I stared at Kai in disgust. He was blackmailing me.  "Tomorrow. 10 AM. Fun Studios." I quickly entered my car and slammed the door. I didn't know the exact reason why I had agreed to help Kai. Part of it was definitely to protect L, but there was another part that I couldn't decipher.

"We're here," Manager Oppa parked the van. 

"Thanks," I unbuckled my seatbelt. "Tomorrow, I'm going to the studio at 10 in the morning." 

Oppa scratched his head in confusion. "Isn't tomorrow a free day for you?"

I shrugged and closed the door. Quickly I walked to my apartment. I unlocked the door and ran to my room. "It should be here," I whispered as I opened my desk drawer. 

Like I had predicted, the brown diary waited for me under all the special letters and pictures I had collected. I opened the forgotten book to the first page.

October 10, 2007

Dear Diary, 
Today is my birthday. I want to tell you that I had somehow forgotten my birthday and someone had reminded me, but I didn't. I knew today was my birthday and so did Myungsoo. Myungsoo gave me you as a birthday gift. He told me to write everyday. I told him I wouldn't write everyday, but I'd try to write often. He laughed. It was the first time I had seen him laugh so close. 
It was also the first time I had received a birthday present since I was 10. I feel happy, but scared at the same time. I want to become close friends with him, but what if as I let myself depend on him, he hurts me.

I smiled sadly as I reminisced through the trainee days with this old diary. After reading a couple more pages, I found what I had been looking for. 

February 7, 2008

Dear Diary,
I'm writing this in the practice room right now. It's eleven and everyone seems to have gone home. Today, Myungsoo told me he wants to become a idol to perform for hundreds of people. With passion in his eyes, he talked to me about music and dance, and how he wants to share his love for them with others.
After listening to his dreams, I felt ashamed of myself. Myungsoo is a big, bright shining star and I am just.. mediocre me.
Diary, if someone asked me why I want to be a celebrity, and I chose to tell them them truth, do you know how I would answer? I would tell them this: I want to feel special. I want to be loved. 



Short chapter, but Merry Christmas Eve everyone! Remember to subscribe and comment. Thanks, and hope you all are healthy and safe.