Everyone has a dream, or had a dream until they realized how useless and painfully awful dreaming can be. When a dream is accomplished, another dream follows and then another. It’s a never ending sequence because the heart can never be satisfied. Luhan was no exception to this rule and it was all he was thinking about sitting on the boat he rented for the day. He wanted to rid his heart of the pain it was feeling. Why today, was he raveled up back in that melancholy? He was pensive as he took little steps to the edge of the boat, climbed the rail and then stood still. In front of him were the ocean’s waves of death and behind him was a boat of life. He was stuck in the middle and as he closed his eyes, he’d made the decision to take his chances with the water. Luhan took his final steps. 

             When he was young his dream was to be anything but perfect. To have some kind of flaw; to have something wrong with him was the only thing he wanted. He was a child, and to a child being anything close to perfect is being different from the rest of the world. He prayed every single day for something to go wrong. Then, when he was sixteen the worst flaw was bestowed upon him. After that, all he ever wanted was to go back to the perfection that was once his.

           Luhan let himself crash into the water, he let the waves smash against him, and he let his breathe slip away from him without another movement.

 

         

             There was a bright light around him as he woke up from his deep slumber. He forgot all about drowning for a second and thought he was back at home, in his warm bed just sleeping. But, he realized what was warm here was the ground and got up as everything came rushing back to him. Had he maybe survived? But why, when he didn’t want to, why?

           Luhan thought some kind soul must have thought Luhan wanted to survive and left him off at an island, but that was far from reality. He noticed that there were others lying on the ground near him, some were getting up and all that did were looking ahead at a large mansion. On the gate there was a sign.

            Welcome to Hell’s Castle,

Hello earthlings who have tried to commit suicide, this will be where you reside until your time comes. You can not escape the time already given to you, so until you finally die you will live here. You will be fed, clothed, and given a room. The ones to take care of you will be death gods. Many of you would be going straight to hell if it was not for god’s kindness. Maybe you’re time here can change that, we will see.

                                                                                                Satin

            Satin?  What was this place? Luhan was puzzled and was indecisive about whether or not he should wander through the gates. He saw another chubbier boy going in, and decided to follow him. The chubby boy turned around. “Do you know what this is?” he asked.

            Luhan wishes he could say yes, but he does not, he’s just as confused. He just smiles and says “No, we should find out though.” The boy gives him a blank look, but realizes that it is the start of a friendship, so he starts to walk alongside Luhan.

             There were many people surrounding them and directing them where to go, and there were many people walking in. The first station was room assignment. Luhan chose to room with the chubby boy whose name he discovered is Xiumin. After that was the second station for food. Luhan felt so sure that Xiumin would be eating, that he would gobble up anything but first impressions are almost always wrong and Xiumin declared he does not eat so they went straight to Station 3.

             Station 3 was where the death gods finally explained everything. It was in an auditorium, both Xiumin and Luhan took seat in the middle. The one speaking was a fairly young looking, but very handsome boy. Luhan was shocked by his looks. Was he ever real like I once was? Can such a person exist?

              Sehun looked through the audience of new arrivals, the usual empty eyes, the usual saddened souls, the usual trauma that was locked away somewhere in their soul. But, there was one that was different, one that took Sehun’s interest. There was a light in his eyes. It was dull, it was barely there, it was not noticeable but Sehun liked details and that very detail about Luhan intrigued him. He couldn’t help but stare at that light. It made him feel something. This was the first time in over a hundred years he’d felt something. He’d forgotten what “feeling” was and no one had ever made him want to know again. He couldn’t put into words what it was that he felt. He wasn’t sure, he just knew it was something warm. He took a breath and started.

             “You are here because you trying to destroy the time fate gave you. That is unacceptable, that in itself is a sin and you should be sent to hell. You shouldn’t even be allowed to be here, but you are, so be thankful. There are not many rules. Just do not bother others, that is all. You have a few options. The first option is that you can end your time here and be damned eternally to hell,” Sehun stopped when he saw Luhan tiling his head the slightest bit as if he was confused by why Sehun said what he said. The way his hazel hair swayed with that slight movement made Sehun stop and want to re-explain. It was not part of the speech, and it was probably the first time anyone did this so Sehun hesitated. In the nature of this place questions were not asked. “This is a middle ground, between the after life and earth. You are all merely just souls and have not yet destroyed time. If you want to continue on your journey of destroying time, even though we have given you a second chance, then you may. But, as I said before it is a sin and that is why you will go to hell,” he was staring solely at Luhan to see any indication that he understood and moved on.

            “The second option would be to sell half your soul and return back to earth. If you feel that you made a mistake then you can go back but it will cost you half your soul. Third is that you can just stay here until your time ends and your destiny will be decided after that. Fourth is the position of a death god however right now that is not available so details will not be explained,” he closed a book that he had not used to recite the speech; he’d done it enough time before to have it memorized.

 

           

            Luhan immediately noticed how different it was here. Maybe he’d made the wrong choice, he wasn’t sure. But it didn’t take him longer than a few days to notice that no one did anything here. No one wanted to do anything, including that no one wanted to talk. No one wanted to think, no one wanted to share, there wasn’t a single soul that was willing to help another. Everyone was in worse condition than he was and yet no one wanted help. Every day, he felt more and more inclined to become like them. He was becoming like them slowly, he was loosing interest.

            The only thing that kept him going were memories about music, he would revisit them everyday when Xiumin went for a shower. “hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmmmm, la la la la la laa.” It was not anything more than hums and las but it  was music nonetheless. It was so faint so that no one could hear, but there would be one person to hear. The very observative Sehun noticed a sound while walking through the hallway and stopped right by the doorway. He didn’t know what it was, but it was beautiful. He was lucky, the door was left open and he could see the little spark in Luhan’s eyes glowing the slightest bit more brightly. To his dismay Luhan stopped humming and looked up, startled. Sehun want to continue to listen to that gentle voice, he wanted to fall asleep listening to it and wake up listening to it. He want to do all his work while listening to it.

            “I-I’m so sorr-” Luhan started, he was blushing, though it was barely there Sehun took note of the pale pink tint his cheeks had to them. Again, he felt it. That warm feeling.

            “Why did you stop?” Sehun interrupted Luhan who was about to apologize.

            “Because it’s bothersome?” Luhan said tilting his head again, that same way that he did the first time in the auditorium. Again, that warm feeling and it was scaring Sehun now. Why was he getting this feeling inside, he didn’t understand.

            “No, it’s not. Can you do it once more? I’ve never heard something like that? What was that? What was it that you were doing?” Sehun said taking a notebook out to write it down, he would maybe report it to the devil when he saw him. It was scary yet magnificent. There was some kind of magic to it.

            “The song? It was Yiruma’s Love Rain,” Luhan said with a smile, finally someone was showing some kind of other emotion than just sitting around with a straight face. He was happy for this, but he couldn’t help but feel just a bit nervous inside as the person standing in front of him was so handsome to him.

            “Song?” This confused Sehun who did not know exactly what a song was. His insides felt even more heated as he saw Luhan’s lips go up in an expression that looked so striking on him. But, what was it that he was doing exactly? What was his face doing? Sehun wasn’t even sure of this much. He wasn’t sure if he was happy or dismal about the fact that Xiumin showed up just then, ending any further conversation that could have taken place.

 

            Luhan waited to have some form of contact with Sehun, he was the only one willing to give him any and also the only one that Luhan longed for any with. Xiumin was a lost case, Luhan cared for him but that was about it, it ended there. It felt awkward saying anything during meal times because no one else would talk. Instead, Luhan waited outside all day. And finally, finally one night he caught Sehun alone waking outside. Immediately Luhan called out to him. Sehun turned around to see who it was and was content to see the one that was running around in his mind to be the one calling him.

            What was this? How could Sehun explain his satisfaction to himself. He walked over to where Luhan was sitting and sat beside him. “You still have to tell me, what that was last time,” he said pulling out the notebook again.

            Luhan, understanding that Sehun was not asking what song it was, but what he was doing thought of an answer and answered after a few minutes, “that was called music.”

           Music. “It comes from the heart,” continued Luhan and patted Sehun’s chest where his heart was. Sehun’s eyes widened at his touch and he instinctively moved back, it was the first time since he got here that anyone had ever touched him. “A-Are you okay?” Luhan asked pulling his hand away.

            Sehun just nodded and slightly touched one of Luhan’s fingers on his hand that was laid flat on the bench with his own. He felt his face getting hot but it felt so good inside, this touch, it felt nice. Sehun decided to not report about the songs.

 

           

           “Sehun, why is everything here so negative?” Luhan asked his companion. They’d started meeting up every night now, right there on that same bench. The place where no one went, where no one saw, and where no one disturbed them. Luhan was starting to really adore Sehun. The words cute and adorable were completely the wrong words to describe him but they were what Luhan saw. He was adorable. The way he didn’t know anything, how he was so curious to learn, how he cared. It amused Luhan. Today Sehun had his entire hand places on top of Luhan’s.  

           Sehun didn’t know how to answer this question, like many of Luhan’s other questions. “I, It’s not negative, it’s just normal,” said Sehun who had become used to the atmosphere and everything about it in the years that he’s been living here. 

            Luhan was quick to shake his head, “No. That’s not true. I just don’t understand anything about it. No one talks, no one creates, no one cares about anything. How can that be?!” Luhan asked in frustration.

            These questions were a little overwhelming for Sehun because they were a description of what he was before he met Luhan. He took long to answer but he did. “It’s because everyone that comes here wants to die, they want to leave everything behind but are constantly plagued by memories of their past instead. They can’t leave here, but they want to. Most people that come here are truly depressed about their lives.”

         Sehun noticed Luhan furrowing his eyebrows as if in disagreement with the statement. “You know that suicide isn’t a choice right?” Luhan asked Sehun in an almost defensive way. “Suicide is forced by society, we don’t just think that we want to die. People force us to do it, by the way they make us feel. By the ways that they act towards us, it’s not our own fault.”

        Sehun shrugged “I wouldn’t know.”

        “They misunderstand you guys too. Why do they call you death gods? You aren’t. You’re all angels. That’s the only way I can see it, you help lost souls.”

         Sehun felt happy inside and almost wanted to turn his lips upwards like he’s seen Luhan do sometimes but refrained, since he still did not know the meaning of it. “You know one time I got a glimpse of heaven where the real angels work and it’s exactly like here except everyone is talking, and everything is lighter. Then, when I saw hell it was also the same as here except people always had down turned lips and everyone was more violent than here. Heaven is the only place where real angels work.”

         “We should make this heaven then, because you are a real angel. Instead of Hell’s castle let’s make it the castle of the souls.”

 

       

          After that day Luhan sang out louder every day, he wanted to make this place a better place. If not for him, then at least for Sehun. He started a poster on the wall, one of reasons why people left. Luhan’s was at the very top and out in the open for everyone to read. “I’m Gay,” it said. Next was Xiumin who was urged by Luhan. Xiumin’s was “I’m fat”

           He left the poster there, everyone in this place has insecurities, but the fact that everyone had them meant that they wouldn’t judge each other so there was nothing to be afraid of. Slowly, but surely the poster started to fill up. Sometime people would leave sentences expressing their feelings and become a little, just a tiny bit more light hearted by these small things.

           During meal times, everyday Luhan would try to talk to someone different, he would try to make Xiumin eat, he would try singing. Everyday, he got reprimanded by one of those death gods. They didn’t know why they were telling him to stop, they didn’t know what rule he was breaking but what he was doing was weird. They were scared.

           Around this time was also the time that Sehun decided Luhan deserves to live. Despite Luhan’s persistent efforts there was little improvement in the conditions of the people, but the spark in Luhan’s eyes kept growing. There wasn’t much time left, Sehun had to get Luhan to leave before they found his body on earth and buried it. Then, the chances of Luhan being able to leave were slim to none. Whenever someone stays here they end up in hell, but Luhan deserved to be in heaven. Even if the say your time here decides where you go, it’s all a lie and Sehun knew that.

 

           

            “Is the reason you killed yourself up on the poster?” Luhan asked Sehun another night. His hand held onto Sehun’s tightly. He was genuinely curious of the reason. Sehun shook his head. “Then will you at least tell me?”   Luhan would be respectful even if Sehun said no, but he had to ak at least once.

             “I-I don’t even remember. I don’t remember anything. I don’t remember how to feel, I don’t remember what I like and dislike, I don’t remember what that face you make with your lips upturned means.”

             Luhan did the face Sehun was talking about. “Like this?” he asked and as Sehun nodded Luhan said “This is called a smile.”

            “Smile.” Sehun repeated. He then continued talking about himself, he had to let it out somewhere. “I think I’ve seen that before. You know you make me remember sometimes Luhan? You know sometimes when I see you I have a picture flashback.What does sadness and happiness feel like? You sometimes talk about that. And anger, jealousy, love, I want to know what they all feel like. But I can’t, I just can’t! I gave all my memories away to the devil to be able to become a death god because some memories are too painful.”

            Now Luhan knew, the process of becoming a death god required the donation of your memories. He knew that even if Sehun had flashbacks from time to time, he could never full remember. He could never fully understand just by watching. “I’ll teach it to you all again.”

             Sehun looked at Luhan and Luhan turned to look right back at him. “Smile,” Luhan almost demanded and Sehun tried it. He tried to turn his lips up wards. It looked a little awkward, it looked a little uneven, but Luhan loved it. He wanted Sehun to stay like that. “Does it feel good?” He asked touching Sehun’s lips.

            Sehun nodded his head slowly. “Want to feel something even better?” Luhan asked him. Luhan felt somewhere that it wasn’t right to do this, that it wouldn’t be okay. But, he had to do it anyway. He leaned in and kissed Sehun on the lips as he intertwined their fingers. Sehun wasn’t sure of this feeling, he felt so comfortable. It was much better than a smile, and a smile was already too good for him. After about three seconds they pulled away and Luhan was almost laughing from happiness. Sehun was still wearing that smile, and now wondering what laughter was.

 

           

            “Luhan what do you think of returning to earth?” Sehun asked the boy sitting on his bed. Luhan and Sehun had started rooming together and Sehun’s roommate had changed and went with Xiumin.

            “Never, I like it here,” I like it with you. He never finished his whole sentence, it still felt embarrassing to say anything of that sort.

            “Why do you like it here?”

            “Because… I just do. I feel less lonely here. It’s not worth half my soul either.” He said this despite knowing what half a soul meant. Half a soul that he could never get back, it was enslaved and it would eat away at him, it would be half a soul that would kill the rest of his soul.

            Sehun didn’t say anything more and got in bed next to Luhan. “Teach me something.”

            “Do you know what a hug is?”

            Sehun shook his head. He’d never encountered the word hug before. It wasn’t a word in the vocabulary they gave the death gods during the training to memorize since everything else had been forgotten they’d needed to rememorize words.

            Luhan put both arms around Sehun tightly, “This is a hug.” Without Luhan having to tell him to Sehun hugged him as well. He liked this the best of all the things Luhan had taught him so far. There was music, smile, kiss, and now hug. Out of them Sehun’s favorite was hug. It was the most comfortable, the most endearing to him. It was something he wanted to do forever.

            With this hug, Sehun slowly drifted off to sleep as Luhan hummed to him like he did every night and every morning.

 

           

            Sehun had received it, the bottle of potion. It was potion to allow any one soul to go back to earth; he had received it and hid it. His soul was already extracted, but he tried to seem as lively as possible, which may not have been too much because Luhan took notice.

            “What’s wrong? You seem sick, is it possible for souls to get sick?” Luhan prodded.

            Sehun just shook his head and did that thing again, that smile thing. “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.” Sehun wanted to wait before giving him the potion. He wanted to remember who Luhan was forever and to be able to do that he needed to wait. He needed to wait till he was worn out an after that he could let Luhan go, he needed to make sure that even if he was worn out he remembered. “C-Can you touch me, how to hum?”

           Luhan nodded and started humming. “Just do it how you please, it comes from the heart remember?”

            Sehun was scared to try it. What if he didn’t have a heart beautiful enough to hum? He wanted to able to hum to himself after Luhan left; he wanted another way to remember. Luhan, seeing his discomfort, tried to hum a little louder. Sehun joined in. He’d heard this one before from Luhan.

           “See, you did it!” Luhan said giving him a thumbs up.  Sehun nodded and continued humming, he was glad that he was able to do it. He’d slowly make little things that could let him remember such as this. Never would he forget.

 

         

             Sehun knew time was approaching fast or him to give the potion to Luhan. He had to do it before Luhan’s body was found in some place and buried and what irked him was that he didn’t know when that would be, so it made it harder to allow himself more time with Luhan.

             He made the most of his time though, thankful that he’d met someone like him. Thankful, that at least he knew there was a limited amount of time because if he didn’t he might have neglected his love. But now, now he was forced to accept it. He didn’t know if Luhan felt the same, he wasn’t even sure if what he felt was love, but he believed it to be. He couldn’t let Luhan know though, because if Luhan knew and felt the same then it would be that much harder to let him go.

 

             

              Sehun felt weaker everyday and it was apparent. He moved much more slowly than before, he stayed in his room almost all the time, except when he had to work. Luhan had started eating his meals with Sehun in the room. He would bring a meal for them both everyday.

             It had to be today was what Sehun thought everyday but he couldn’t bring himself to do it, he couldn’t stand the thought of Luhan not being by his side. But finally, finally he took the courage to do it. Hands shaking, “Can you get me a tissue from the other room. There are none left in this room,” Sehun muttered. Sehun hoped that Luhan would decline, so that he could put it off another day, but of course Luhan quickly agreed to do anything for his partner.

            While he was gone Sehun, still shaking, unscrewed the top of the potion bottle and poured it into Luhan’s water as fast as he possibly could. As he watched it mix in the with the water he couldn’t help but think what if. Luhan had told him of stories from back on earth, and what if something like that happened here. What if god were to tell him that he was free to go to, what if god said that since he was in love he could go. But, he knew that kind of thing would never happen here. Undeniably, this idea seemed farfetched to Sehun, maybe even in one of those stories it would never happen.

             When Luhan came back, he saw a paralyzed Sehun looking back at him and immediately started to worry. “Is something wrong?!” he exclaimed and ran to his side.

              Sehun shook his head. “I’m just a little out of it, let’s eat.” Luhan nodded, still a little concerned but obeyed. He started to eat his food while Sehun only watched him, not moving.

             “Are you sure nothing’s wrong?”

             “Yes, I’m sure. Luhan, listen, no matter what anyone says just be who you are and don’t care. Just live okay? You deserve it. Just ignore people that say anything harsh, they don’t deserve to have a place in your life,” Sehun didn’t know why he was saying thee words because he knew that once Luhan was back in hi own body, he would forget everything. He would forget the castle, he would even forget Sehun.

             At this point Luhan was confused as he chewed, and picked up his glass to clear his mouth before speaking. But, as soon as he drank the water he felt a weird sensation, a kind of pain in his whole body, like someone had thrown needles everywhere. He couldn’t see a thing, while all Sehun saw was that inch by inch Luhan’s body was evaporating. “Luhan I love – ” Before Sehun got to finish the last part of him left. The last part of him to go was perhaps that spark in his eyes, that spark that changed everything. 

            Luhan was gone forever.  They would never talk again, they would never hold hands again, they would never hug again. As Sehun started humming to himself, he felt tears slowly rolling down his face. Was this what one called sadness? He didn’t know.

           He just wished he’d had the courage to say “Thank you. Thank you for teaching me how to love.This emotion that I felt was love, I'm sure. I’m being selfish by doing this to you, by keeping these memories we shared for only myself. But I need them, you don’t, they will only cause you pain. I wish for you not to remember me, and to find someone new, someone different. Thank you for accepting my love, and maybe loving me. I think, I hope, and I will always, even if I am lying, tell myself that you loved me just as much as I loved you. You'll remain forever in my heart.” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So this was the first boyxboy  fic I ever wrote  ;A; 

Sorry if it and that it's super long and probably has typos that I will fix later x_x 

Should I split this into two chapters? o-o