Chapter 2
Is It Okay if I Like You the Way I Do?
There was no hint of a cloud in the sky, but there was a big dark cloud above my head. It was only yesterday when Yixing told me he liked someone. He told me that he would introduce this person to me the day after so I waited at a coffee shop near my uni, we had promised to see each other there.
I wasn't nervous. I just felt that I didn't deserve the pain. It had been two years but those two years were awesome? We had never even fought and yet Yixing found that I wasn't fit for him. Now what kind of person that he wanted? This kind of question lingered around my head since that night. I knew I was definitely obsessed when I didn't even care about his happiness. The thing is, I couldn't even support him like what a best friend supposed to do. That was hurt so much but I couldn't complain.
I had waited for more than 2 hours but he didn't show up. Even the lady next to my seat asked me who I was waiting for and I said no one since I wasn't sure if he would really come at that moment. I kind of like my alone time in that place, actually. With the sound of coffee brewing that Yixing liked and the smell of the place that somehow reminded me of my childhood (because my dad loved coffee than he loved his wife and son) It wasn't a good memory though but I wasn't really affected at that time. Maybe because deep down inside I had another weary that disturbed me.
"Maybe you should call?" the lady tried to talk to me again. I just answered it with shrug and smile. "Is this person your friend?" She continued and I said yes, he's my best friend.
"If he really is your friend then he won't tell you whether he would really come or not." Why was that, I asked. "Because he knows that you know him too well. He probably thinks that this person who waits for me would understand my condition, that he would forgive anything that I've done eventhough it hurts him." But I didn't understand, I said. And she smiled. "You will, my dear. You will. Is this person an important friend?" Very, I said. "That will do, then. You just have to lower your pride, call him and ask if this situation really bothers you." I shook my head and said that everything was fine. I said thank you for her advice and took another sip of my coffee.
What was that woman tried to say to me I didn't understand at all. It wasn't about my pride but pain. I thought it was better to not know anyone around him that it would make my heart feel pain. What I needed to know was only about Zhang Yixing and his actual feeling toward me. One thing that I knew that he didn't feel the same way as I did so I tried to understand this situation although I never succeeded. I tried to take a deep breath and swallowed and forgot every things about him which located inside of my heart but it just a waste of time. Once again it wasn't about my pride, or maybe it was his pride? His own pride that somehow affected me.
Two hours and a half I decided to move away. I gave the exact amount that I had to pay and walked out from the best place in town. Another memory had formed in that coffee shop but unfortunately not the best one.
I was contemplating whether to call him or not because I wanted to know the answer but at the same time I was scared. So then I decided to leave it the way it was. I wasn't the one who responsible so I let Yixing decided on his own whether he should feel sorry toward me or not. He was a forgetful--I had to note that, but Yixing never ever forgot about our meeting days. It was the first time and this made me realize that Yixing already had someone else who was more important than me. I knew the fact already but to even realize it was more than hurt.
Yixing learned to live without me so I had to do the same.
"I'm so sorry for yesterday. I had to finish my assignment. I thought it would finish right before our meeting but I could never finish that until this morning. I'm so sorry, Wufan."
It was 7 am the next morning and I was sure he hadn't even sleep. I took a sip of my morning coffee and it tasted bitter than usual. I hadn't even washed my face but I kept listening to his apology without saying a word. We stayed silent for about a minute until I decided to break the silence by clearing my throat.
"I'm sorry," he said. It was the only thing that he could say to me and I said it was fine. He should give me a call first if he couldn't make it and he said another sorry to me. It was the most awkward phone call that ever happened between us. Usually we could spend more than 2 hours talking about everything but at that time 2 minutes seemed like forever. I knew that I would just forgive him as if nothing happened but somehow this state was better.
I didn't want to meet this other person that Yixing wanted to introduce to me, that's why I thought hiding was the right decision. But meeting him was the thing that Yixing wanted so I couldn't not stay in hiding forever. So I decided to ask about this person. He said that he couldn't introduce me yet to this person because he went back already to Beijing.
"He's my best friend in college. I really want you guys to meet because both of you are the most important people to me." It wasn't only me, now he added one more important person. Did that person know his feeling, I asked. And he said no, as I expected. "I don't think I will tell him because I'm scared that he won't feel the same way. Do you know how, Wufan?" I shook my head and said that I was facing the same problem at that time.
"Do you like someone?" I said yes but this person didn't realize. "It hurts isn't it. I feel the same way too. Do I know this person that you like?" I thought for a while and said that Yixing probably knew. There was another silence and I waited until he spoke first.
"Who?"
I said that he would know by himself later and he just answered it with an OK. He said that he missed me and wanted to meet for a while so I told him to come to my apartment since I hadn't even bath. He said he would be there in 15 minutes so I jumped up in the shower.
When showering I thought a lot about things. About my worry, about how to hide the feelings and how to act in front of him after this. Zhang Yixing was like the only person that existed in my life. I didn't think about my parents or relatives at that moment. I didn't have any friends so I didn't even have to worry about such a thing. That's why I thought I need to find another important person. I got to move on. Yixing wasn't the only one in this world that's why I thought that I was too stupid. I wasted my time, almost my whole life time for Yixing. I got to slowly getting rid of this obsession, and I needed to learn.
Right after 15 minutes my apartment bell rang. That was another unusual thing that happened between us. Usually Yixing would just came in because he knew the password, but at that time he did the otherwise. I opened the door, still with a towel on my head. He smiled and walked in with a big plastic bag in his hand. What was that, I asked. He said he wanted to cook for me as an apology. I said do whatever you want because I needed another 30 minutes to sleep. I never woke up this early before so I needed more time to regain my energy.
The image of Yixing cooking in my kitchen really made me feel anxious. I couldn't even rest properly because his presence disturbed me. I loved the fact that it was the first time for both of us acting as if we were a couple. But I was afraid that it would over in an bit of time. I thought that I could overcome the problem but as hard as I wanted to overcome, it became more and more impossible to do. That feeling that I felt was literaly stuck at me like a gum.
In 30 minutes he woke me up. I was able to close my eyes but I believe it wasn't more than 5 minutes.
He started to talk, trying to act like there was nothing happened between us. But I couldn't do the same. I didn't know what happened to me but I had to admit that I was mad, like totally angry. I knew I was not supposed to be angry, it wasn't even his fault but I didn't know where to release my anger so I just kept silence all the time.
"Are you okay?" He asked, and I just answered it with a nod. He sighed, "No you're not. Wu Yifan please look at me right in the eye." I did as he told me.
"I'm so sorry, okay. I know you're angry because yesterday I didn't make it but you have to understand my condition too. I was unable to come because I gotta finish the things that I left. I really wanted to go but I couldn't. What's wrong with you? You always considerate to me but what's happening right now? You're not that Wu Yifan, my best friend, that I used to know!"
I was still looking right at both of his eyes when he said so. But those words didn't help me to understand, but it made my anger went up higher. He wasn't supposed to say that thing to me when he was the one who made me feel that way. Zhang Yixing that I knew before would never have any doubt on me. So that morning didn't end up like what we wanted in the first place. I began to yell at him and I felt even sorry after that. After realizing that I said something that I wasn't supposed to say;
I loved him.
I was the one who ran away after that. I slammed my own apartment door right in front of his face without giving any explanation. From the last face that I could recall he looked so shocked he looked like he couldn't digest anything that I said to him.
I didn't know where to go I just wandering around while recalling everything that happened. It just happened like a speed of light. I couldn't even believe what I said, I felt like I was kind of drunk at that moment. I was looking at him and said everything that bothering me. Said that his tone when he talked to me was a bit different, said that I didn't want to meet his friend because I was supposed to be the only friend that he had, that he always made me angry recently, that I felt pain right inside of my heart, that the pain won't just disappear by itself, that the pain was caused by him, that I loved him too much I couldn't even explain and after that I just ran away.
I couldn't go home although he probably already went home. It was 2 hours after that incident and I decided to go to that coffee shop again. It probably the only place where I could rest properly without thinking about anything else. So I sat on the farthest seat in the store because I didn't want to talk to anyone. I needed some more time to reflect.
I didn't know whether I could meet Yixing again after that or not. The worst scenario was he just left me like a leftover bread that he always gave to me. He absolutely didn't need me anymore since there was another man who filled his days. Although I was angry I couldn't bring myself to hate him. I said I was angry but hating was a different thing. Hate is the worst feeling that every human ever feel. It hurts not only for the one who hates but also the other person. Hate is contagious. I didn't want to hurt him and myself like that.
Another place that I visited after finishing my coffee was music store. I forgot about music and Schubert because of Yixing. Schubert wasn't my inspiration anymore but Yixing. I even said this to my lecturer and she laughed at me like I was a cheap joke. When she said why I just told her everything about him, that we met because of an incident and I failed my Schubert presentation because of him, and then she said that I already found my muse. That Yixing was no longer a special person but a muse.
I played my Schubert's Symphony no. 5 with my eyes closed, I didn't care about all those voices around me who amazed with my talent. By playing my favorite composer's symphony really reminded me again how music was the only place I could go home to. When I believe that music won't ever hurt me, I learned again to accept the fact that Yixing was only a muse and he couldn't be more than that. Just like music. I could play and enjoy its beauty but I couldn't own it because I wasn't the one who made the music. Yixing too. His heart wasn't made for me.
When I went home, Yixing wasn't there anymore, obviously. But there was a letter in my bedroom that I couldn't read right away. My apartment became so neat and the refrigerator was packed with foods to live for more than a month. I knew he did this but the reason behind that I couldn't find. That was when I decided to read the letter in my hand.
Dear Wufan,
I don't think I can talk to you in person a couple days ahead (because I don't think you want to meet me and talk) so I decided to talk to you through this letter.
First, I didn't know anything until you talked this morning about the pain that you feel because of me. I thought we promised to be open about everything that we felt? That there would be no secret between us two, remember?
Second, you need to take care of yourself more. Today isn't the first time I go to your apartment but I was shocked by the fact that there was nothing inside of your refrigerator. Do you eat ramen all the time? Also clean your house like twice a week, I beg you. I tried to take care of everything but it was totally hard to do so I just cleaned everything but your room and bathroom.
Third, I will tell you this when we meet in person so please call me anytime you're ready.
Comeback please, Wufan. I'm so sorry for everything.
It was the Zhang Yixing that I knew. The letter was just the only thing that he wanted to say about my condition but not about my heart. The third thing that he wanted to talk to me was probably about my heart. About our relationship after this and what I meant by relationship was whether we could meet again as a friend or just forget about each other's existence.
Yixing was the best thing that ever happened in my life and I couldn't even imagine how to live without him. But at the end I decided to go. Leaving my whole life behind to learn something new about life, and to get back my old self. I didn't say anything to Yixing but a letter that I put on my bed, hoping that he went back to check and to find that I wasn't there anymore.
On the next day, without any well thought out plan, leaving my small apartment for Qingdao.
To be continued.
So, eum, sorry for the long wait and the long update. As you guys see that Kris is finally moving and leaving Yixing behind, I have already planned how it is supposed to end but you guys can also say what you think about this story as well as to suggest me what will happen to Kris and Yixing after this chapter :) So, hope you guys still enjoy my story and see you on the next update.
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