Chapter 1
Is It Okay if I Like You the Way I Do?
What is a first love?
The answer for this must be different, according to who you are, what kind of experiences that you had and according to the answers that you got. My first love story might be different from yours because everyone has their own ending and beginning. For me, both weren't as smooth as what you thought it would be but not as terrifying as it might look as well. The key is actually in your heart. If you don't feel pain then it work well, otherwise you can never live the pain forever. At least that's what I believe about my definition of first love.
Now let me tell you about this person that somehow become my first and my last. His name is Zhang Yixing. I love him so much I can't even breath. He gives me so much pain but it doesn't harm me that much, at least now I live in peace. I love to see his smile because the dimple in his left cheek. I love his singing because his voice ran through my veins it's not even funny. His hair, his eyes, his hands, his body, his everything, I can't even lie that I love to be around his perfect family that accepts me the way I am. I love being with him and I'd love to give my whole future for this guy named Zhang Yixing.
Anyway, my name is Wu Yifan and I'm not perfect, not without Yixing beside me.
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The beginning of this story started when we met for the first time. He was a big fan of sweets and I was obsessed by Schubert's unfinished symphony. We walked side by side without noticing each other's existence until destiny bumped into us in the form of beautiful little kids. We both fell down at the same time and the kids were running, scared to be scolded by two shocked tall guys. I almost cursed when I heard someone beside me. That's when I saw him. His delicate face, his trembling hands and his vanilla ice cream that turned upside down about 10 cm near his bleeding arm. First thing I asked was are you okay but he said he wasn't so I had to take him to the hospital.
That's when I knew that he had a rare disease. He couldn't get hurt. He must not bleed or else it won't stop. I walked in to his room when the nurse said he wanted to see me. He looked fragile and I knew he tried his best to smile at me and thanked me. I offered to take him home but he said he couldn't come home until he finished all the treatments. He asked me to call his parents and when I finished with the phone call, another doctor came and took him away from that room. I didn't know why but I followed every steps that they make, I kind of feel that I was the one who responsible for this. I took him here so I had to tell his parents about what happened.
Surprisingly, his parents weren't as panicked as I thought they would be. His mom cried but his dad just walked beside her and sometimes patting her back.
"My name is Wu Yifan," I introduced myself to them and they introduced themselves back and his mom never stopped thanking me.
After that his dad went to meet the doctor and his mom took me to the hospital's canteen. "This is not the first time," she said. His mom blamed herself because this disease came from her. But she said he was going to be fine because it wasn't as scary as it looked. Luckily he wasn't in the worst stadium. He was just gonna bleed but it would stop at certain time as long as the doctor gave him an immediate treatment. Not so long after we chatted, his dad came and gave me another thank. I said they don't have to thank me because I just happened to be there and we both were the victim so I just felt that I had to.
"Thank you for at least took a good care for him. If you just left him there he would not get a fast treatment and that would be dangerous. Thank you so much Mr. Wu. I appreciate your help," those eyes when his dad said those words to me were the most sincere eyes I've ever seen in my life. At that point I knew that this Zhang Yixing guy lived a perfect happy life with his family. I might feel a little bit jealous because I never experienced this kind of life before. The last time I sat together with my parents was when I was 10 years old when they decided to get a divorce. And at that time I decided to move out from their live and lived with my grandma. I went out to live by myself when I graduated from high school and working hard to get myself into college.
This accident with Zhang Yixing happened when I actually had a presentation about my favorite composer, Schubert, and in the end I failed that class because of destiny decided to greet me at that time. I was majoring in music and art. I wasn't there to sing but to compose. I wanted to make a lot of beautiful music to make people happy. And one of my works was later inspired by this Zhang Yixing guy.
As expected, we became friends after that. I loved to hear his story more than my favorite symphonies of all time. His unique voice and gestures really took me to another world that I always hesitated to deal with. One day he asked me about first love. What is a first love to me and I said I never had once. He thought I was lying but I said no. He laughed but then decided to believe in me. After that he told me about his first love. It was when he was 17 years old with a Korean guy.
"I don't know his name but this guy is most likely a dancer. He wore that dancer-like outfit with snapback, earphone and stuff you know what I mean?" I nodded and he continued talking. "So I was eating ice cream near the bridge and this guy just suddenly danced his body away crossed to my side without even care about eyes starring at him. It was so smooth and last not more than 5 minutes but I was too mesmerized so it took me a little bit longer to realize that he just went away.
"Then I followed my curiosity and found him not far from the bridge, talking on the phone using a language that I didn't even understand and I just stood there about 2 meters behind him and waited until he finished talking. You know that when there's someone looking at you intensely, you'll feel something strange right here, right?" he moved his right hand to my back and patted the part of my back under the shoulder. I said not exactly there but I did understand. He breathed for a second and continued.
"So he just stared back at me but I didn't even blinked," He laughed. His scrunched eyes, wide opened mouth, the voice of his laughter, I examined it one by one, bit by bit and took them inside of the scariest place in my body, my heart. I smiled back at him without moving my mouth for an inch and waited for him to continue. "Then he walked to my direction and stopped right in front of my nose and smiled. He didn't tell me his name he just asked me whether I liked dancing or not with his broken Chinese and I said I dance but I like sweets more. Can you see how stupid I am?" He sighed and scratched his right palm. "Of course he didn't understand what I was saying so he just smiled and said it was nice to meet me and left. I was like what was just happening? And after that we haven't even met again until now. Weird, isn't it?"
No, I said. It was a beautiful first love story, at least he had one while I was just a cold hearted person that never experience such a story, and he smiled. He told me that I would one day. Everyone must have a first love even a cold hearted person like me, he said. And he was right. I always knew that everything he said was always right.
"Wufan, you know that we all have different stories, right? You will too, later, with maybe someone unknown, someone that you never met before. You make your own story so make it as beautiful as you can."
But what about your story, I asked him. Why didn't you make it beautiful? He smiled again after listening to my question. The definition of beautiful is different for each one of us, he said.
"My story might not ended happily but I'm happy. What would you want the end of my story be, then?" he asked and I said that I want it to end beautifully, and both of them met again.
"That might be a good and beautiful ending for you, but for me my version of ending is the most right one. It was beautiful though, when he just stayed as a memory for me. At least I can still remember him deep down here." he said and pointed toward his left chest. "So that I can tell you this story and it won't be a boring story like if I said we became friends right now, right?"
I nodded with a full agreement. His thought always made me think twice about my life. My life was a boring one and I didn't know what to do with it, until this guy came to me. Maybe destiny thought that they had to change something about my life that's why he sent Zhang Yixing over to me with his colorful thoughts and awesome companions.
There was a day when he came to my campus and surprised me with a box of home-made sandwich for lunch. I thanked him and we both went to the library to eat our lunch together.
"College life is different, right? I find a lot of scary things in my college life but I guess you're fine with yours?" I nodded and asked what made it so scary for him. "I don't have friends. I mean, I know a lot of people who go to the same class as me but we're not that close. You're the only person that I can be closed with, I wonder why." He giggled and bit a big part of sandwich and I did the same. "I stay because I love my major and because of one of my lecturers who believes in me so much, I also wonder why.
"I'm not that smart, you know, I just do what most people do, I read as much as they read, I do as much as they do but this lecturer of mine always says that I will be big one day. Will. How can he be so sure? I don't even believe in myself that I will, though?" I laughed and he smacked my chest but I kept laughing. Why don't you believe in yourself, I asked. Because I had nothing to be proud of, he said.
"I just feel that the way he believes in me is kind of weird. The way he reads me, the way he pushes me to move a little bit forward, if you were me, doesn't it make you scared?" No, I said. It would make me happy because there was someone who brave enough to bet on my future. "And if you were my lecturer would you do the same?" I nodded. "Why?"
I said because his eyes said so. Because in Zhang Yixing's eyes there laid a confidence, a bravery that most people didn't have. A thing that made me jealous that I couldn't even said what it was. Those eyes that when you first saw those, you just knew that he was the right one. He smiled again and it was the most beautiful smile he ever showed me.
"So when you first saw me, did you feel that I would be the one?" Without hesitation I nodded and we stared at each other's eyes for more than a minute and we both laughed at the same time. And then he moved closer to me and whispered, "Thank you."
"So tell me about this Schubert guy. What so good about him?" I laughed at his question and I said that if I started talking about Schubert it would last more than a week. And he said it won't matter. So, I started.
It was for the first time I told anyone about my Schubert's obsessions because no one would listen. No one ever cared about what I was doing in this life, they didn't probably care about my existence. Yixing said he didn't have friend at college but at least he knew some. When you took a major in music and art no one is your friend. All of us competed to be the best. To be recognized by the whole world. To prove that we've sold our body and soul to the God of music. Yes, we did. I told him that Schubert inspired me so much in doing my work. His Unfinished Symphony might not be finished on time but at least Schubert used his precious 6 years before his death to make something.
"What would you do in your 6 years before your death?" he asked. I stopped talking and thinking for a while. Then I said I would do the same like Schubert. I wanted to make that 6 years precious. I wanted to do something to someone that I like and presented him my best work. Then I asked him what would he do and he said, "Probably still doing the same thing.
"I'm sick and 6 years before my death is probably would be the time when I couldn't move for even an inch, all the cells aren't working anymore so I might just lay on my bed waiting for the death to come." Why could you think so, I asked. It was the most terrible thing I've ever heard in my whole life. And then he laughed and said he was just kidding.
"There's no way I would die that soon. You're gonna die before me I believe, so on that 6 years before my death I'd use my 5 years to take care of you." I smiled at him then I said, deal. And that was how we promised each other to be friends forever until the death visited one of us.
The word friend maybe the best thing that ever happened to Yixing's life since he never had one but me, however deep down my soul that word seemed like it won't fit perfectly for us. Since the first day we met we were friends for almost two years but Zhang Yixing never realized. Or maybe like everyone else did, he never cared about me. The only thing that he cared about was his only feeling, to prevent himself from getting hurt. But he forgot about someone closer. He forgot about me and abandoned that feeling that I willingly gave to him.
Right until the day he told me that he had someone that he liked. On that day, my whole world started to turn upside down.
To be continued.
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