I woke up early in the morning. The digital clock on my nightstand blinked in red: 7:32 AM. I sighed, lifting my hands up, stretching towards the ceiling. My eyes kept on the ceiling long after I allowed my arms to fall against my sides. Another morning of numbness and silence.

 

I turn over on my side and stare at the empty space beside me. Only a few months ago that space beside me was occupied. It was filled by you. When you would hold me in your loving arms and hug me close to your body until I fell asleep. Now... Well, you're happier. You aren't at my miserable side.

 

Suddenly the air in my lungs caught in my throat. It became hard to breathe. It was only when I reached out and touched your pillow that I was able to regain my oxygen. It was only you that could get me to breathe. It’s only when my hands reached out to you that I felt whole.

 

Finally, I pushed myself off of the mattress and forced myself into the shower. I carefully scrubbed my aching body, still cut up and scratched from the accident I had gotten into a few weeks ago. I couldn't help but wonder when the car smashed against my side if you would even care if I had died. In a way I wish I had died. Sick, isn't it? All I wanted was to get was a reaction out of you, to hope that I would be able to see you again. But I lived, and it was my best friends who came in to take care of me and check me out of the hospital, not you.

 

When I finished with my shower and drying myself off, I walked over to my vanity and began applying makeup to my face. You always told me I looked prettier without the makeup. That you loved my panda eyes over my made up cat eyes.  But that was so long ago, now I had to at least cover up the face that pathetically wept over your departure every single night. I had to look a bit decent.

 

I picked out my outfit for the day, wanting to look a little bit prettier today. It was only because I would be seeing you after work, of course. How stupid was I? To continue to visit you even after we separated? How foolish was I to willingly allow my heart to break again? But I wanted to. It was only because I loved you so much. Because I felt my heart a little bit happier just being around you. Because even if your fingers no longer filled the space in between my own, my hands would always search for yours out of love and longing.

 

The walk to work was nice. I found a smile appearing on my face as I passed my neighbors and the usual street vendors. I greeted some casually while with others I laughed freely despite the fact that I could very clearly see the pity in their eyes. That didn't get to me anymore. I just kept my head held high and moved along. It was what I had to do.

 

The bells on the daycare's double doors sounded as I walked in. I smile at Jin-Ah, the secretary, and made small talk with her until she shooed me away so I could go and deal with the morning children. These children were all under five years old, all of their personalities were so different and easily swayed by toys or food or treats. This was a job I loved. Taking care of children and playing with them made my mind go to better places. They were all I would focus on. They were what made my life bearable.

 

 

“Guess who?” a sweet voice chuckled as my vision became obstructed.

 

I smiled and ran my fingers along the hands over my eyes.

 

“Gyu!” I laughed.

 

When I was finally able to see I saw your perfect face before mine. Your smile was like sugar, I craved more and more of it as you continued to look at me with your loving eyes.

 

“You win!” you laughed with me. “As a prize you get to kiss your favorite hamster.”

 

You puckered up your beautiful lips and closed your eyes. I gave you a quick peck and squeals of disgust and delight erupted from all around us. The children in the daycare had been observing our little exchange.

 

“Unnie! Why are you and your boyfriend kissing?” one of the little girls, Min-Ah, giggled along with her small group of friends. “Boys have cooties!”

 

You chuckled and scooped Min-Ah up into your arms and spun her around. The two of you giggled as I watched with the other kids in amusement.

 

“I don’t have cooties!” You snickered as you set the little girl down on her feet. “I’m a man. Boys lose their cooties when they turn into men.”

 

The girls ‘oh’ed as if they really understood what you were trying to say to them. I shook my head and watched as the girls ran off to the dollhouse on the other side of the playroom. Only Min-Ah stayed behind and continued to stare at you. I couldn’t really blame her though you were the most handsome man I had ever laid my eyes on.

 

“Let’s keep her,” you whispered in my ear, lacing your fingers in between mine. “You can be the mommy and I’ll be the daddy.”

 

 

My fingers traced along the inside of my palm as I sat on one of the benches outside on the playground. The kids were playing about on every single piece of equipment their little arms and legs could take them. Their laughter and squeals filled my ears and softened the hollowness in my heart that would return in the evening. These children could only numb me for so long…

 

“Unnie?”

 

I looked to my side and found Min-Ah smiling up at me. In her tiny hands she held a fully bloomed daisy with the dirt and roots still attached to it. A smile came upon my face.

 

“Yes, Min-Ah?”

 

“You’re going to visit Sung-Gyu oppa later, right?” she asked me, a small blush dusted along her chubby cheeks.

 

I nodded, plastering on a fake enthusiastic smile on my face.

 

“Please give this to him and tell him that I miss seeing him,” Min-Ah said and placed the flower in my palms.

 

“Of course,” I assured her and looked into its yellow face.

 

“Unnie? Do you miss oppa?”

 

“I miss Sung-Gyu oppa very much, Min-Ah,” I told her, my voice faltering.

 

She wrapped her arms around my legs and hugged them. I her dark hair and felt a tiny bit better.

 

“Oppa still loves you. That’s what he told me. He said that he would always love you,” she said to me.

 

I smiled, shaking my head, “When did oppa tell you that?”

 

“Min-Ah! Come and play jump rope with us!” one of her friends yelled and gestured to the pink and silver colored rope.

 

“Okay!” she smiled and ran off.

 

The rest of the day went by quickly. Days when I had to visit you always went by faster. I didn’t know whether to consider that a good thing or a bad thing. My co-workers all hugged me and told me that I would be okay, just like they always did. I told them not to worry about me and left as quickly as I could. I would hopefully make it by your new place before the sun set.

 

The bus ride was a bit longer than usual, but it didn’t matter. In a sense it was worth it. I cradled Min-Ah’s gift to you in my hands, I hoped that you would like it, that you would appreciate her effort. I tugged on the silver string on the bus and got off at my stop.

 

I took a deep breath and walked along the stone steps of your home. No matter how many times I had been here I couldn’t get over the day I helped move you here. Tears filled my eyes as I continued walking along until I got to where you were laying. My steps only became heavier and heavier until I made it to your spot on the grass.

 

“Hey Gyu,” I said softly and sniffled. “How have you been?”

 

Familiar silence greeted me as the summer breeze swirled around me. I sat beside you and settled the lone daisy above your head.

 

“I miss you,” I whispered, biting down on my lip as the familiar tearing in my chest ripped open. “I miss you so much, but you already know that. There isn’t a day when I don’t miss you.”

 

Your eyes looked at me, blankly, just as always. I didn’t know whether you know what I was talking about or not, but you continued to stare at me and I took that as the okay to go on. My hand stretched out to touch your cheek, but you flinched away. A sigh passed through my lips as I tried to calm myself down. But my heart felt broken as more tears continued to fall down my face. I didn’t know why I did this to myself. I honestly didn’t know.

 

“Had I just listened to you that night,” I continued on, my voice cracking on practically ever single syllable that came out of my mouth. “Maybe you wouldn’t be here. You would be at home with me. You be able to remember me.”

 

I could feel your eyes on me. You were possibly just as confused as ever. How could I blame you though? All I could do was blame myself. I was the reason why you were this way. My stupidity was the reason why you ended up in this rehabilitation center. It was why you ended up losing so much.

 

My eyes looked upwards at the pink and orange skies and I wiped away my tears. I needed to stop breaking down in front of you. I still wasn’t 100% sure as to why you still allowed me to come and visit you here. After all, I was always complaining and making you fear me even more.

 

“Isn’t it pretty?” I asked you softly, pointing at the dimming sky. “It’s like a painting.”

 

I saw you nod beside me as your eyes followed my finger. You never smiled with me, but you smiled around everyone else: your nurses, your therapists, your parents, little Min-Ah, the others in the center… but you never smiled at me anymore. You only stared. You flinched and moved away from me. Every attempt to get close to you, you would always reject. Maybe there wasn’t anymore point in visiting you if this was the case. I wish that you could just smile at me again. Just once more. But it wouldn’t happen. Nothing would ever be the same now.

 

“Do you hate me?” I finally asked the question I had kept inside for so long. My eyes looked up into yours, they were still blank. “Just tell me you don’t like me, Sung-Gyu. Just tell me that and I promise I won’t visit you anymore. I’ll leave you alone. I’ll leave you so you can be at peace.”

 

You stayed still, your eyes practically penetrating into my skin as the cooler summer air touched on our skin. The sun had gone down and so all that lit up the front yard of the center was the lamps lined up near the pathway. I didn’t know what went through your mind—if anything went through your mind—but your expression was something that left me with less hope that I had arrived with that day. I sniffled, tears filling my vision again, and I stood up. I wiped off the grass from my skirt and picked up my purse. It was really best if I left you. You would be able to heal much more positively than if I continued to see you. You needed to smile. You didn’t need this weeping girl at your side. Because you didn’t remember, your scars would be so much easier to heal than mine. Maybe that was for the best. Perhaps all of this was best for the two us, us two crazy kids as my neighbors said about us so long ago.

 

“Goodbye.” Was all I was able to say as I began walking away from you. Each step I took was heavier than the last, my heart fell further and further into my stomach, and I felt like all of the oxygen in my lungs was out. But I kept telling myself that this was for the best. This was for you so you would be able to heal. My hands trembled as I clutched onto the strap of my purse. I needed to learn how to breathe without you. My hands needed to learn to hold onto something else, not your hands.

 

Before I left the last thing I hear was a whimper of pain, but I only assumed that it was me because my body was shaking like a mad woman.

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A/N: I might do another chapter or two of this. I feel like I should explain what happened to Sung-Gyu and what's wrong with him... Let me know what you guys think! ^^