Heya everyone, I am sooo sorry at the failed in the last chapter, and I am super sorry I had kill Kai's parents, but come on...every one's life cannot be so simple now can it??

oh and thank you all for subscribing to my work, and commenting!!

btw, I am planning to write a oneshot featuring my OTL jongho...I am open to any themes, thanks a lot!!

-czyind16

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 When I reached China, I expected to see my house as the taxi took a turn, but the sight that welcomed me was reality.  A burned down house, nothing but emptiness in the place of a once noisy, cheerful house. The neighbours poured out of their houses, offering their condolenses. Mrs.Chang, mom's best friend asked me to stay with her, and without waiting for my answer she left with my bags and belongings, shooing all the onlookers aways while walking to her house which was just a few houses away from ours.

It was a miracle they said that the fire men got here in time, otherwise the loss would have been even worse. But for me the firemen were late, too late. They said my sister was alive when she was found, she had died on the way to the hospital. It hurt me over and over again.

Soon enough all of them were gone, they left me there alone, but I didn't sense their absence, all I felt was emptiness.

And I let that emptiness consume me, it spread like fire all over my body. I had to get away from here, and my feet guided me to Mrs.Changs house. I went straight to bed, letting sleep get to, to escape from this place I called hell.

After the papers had been signed, the will read and the creamation of the chared bodies of my parents were completed I left to Korea. Inspite of what the media say, the company was helpful, manager hyung was there with me throught the whole procedure, though I needed someone else here right now. He had offered to come along, but I refused, I couldn't let him see me like this. So weak and vulnerable.

But even in Korea the ghost of my family's death did not leave me, I started to detach my self from the guys, and built a wall around me, ocassionally letting Sehun in. I found strange comfort in silence, just sitting there and looking out the window had become my favorite hobby. 

The other members were worried, I know they were, it was obvious from the little glances and their efforts to get me involved in their conversations. But all these things were no use. I felt alone. I think that I was the one responsible for my family's death, the whole fire wouldn't have happened if I was there. I should have just told them that I didn't want to go away from them.

"I shouldn't have left. I am alone" was the mantra that my mind kept repeating. Even Sehun didn't need me, he had moved on,  I had seen him, kissing Luhan hyung. I always knew he had a thing for my Sehun, I should stop that right? he won't like it if he knew that I still considered him mine after ignoring him for so long.

I saw no reason for me to live in this place now, theres no need for me right? At some point  I had stoped eating, I couldn't sit down at the same table as them. I felt even more alone when I was with them, it was suffocating and with Sehun sitting between me and Luhan. I knew he did this out of pity towards me, because all his attention used to be on Luhan hyung. But now the time has come for this to stop. The pain in my heart was too much. I was waiting for, just the right moment, and then I'll be gone, no more a burden.

But what I had prepared for is the talk I had today with a certain someone...

I was sitting by the window of our bedroom, I was alone, Baekhyun hyung had gone out, and Sehun would most probably be with his Luhan hyung, sipping that god damned bubble tea. It was the perfect opportunity for me, I had already made the preperations, my reasons and explanations in a letter in Sehun's drawer. Just I was about to do it, when he walks in. Well imagine my surprise, he's been avoiding me like plague since the day Sehun and I started dating.

"Just leave him alone will you?" said he.

"What?"  I asked, completely puzzeled at his behaviour. I could smell the alcohol, maybe thats why he is acting so weird.

"Your hurting him, you call yourself his boyfriend? bull!" 

I just looked at him, with a bored expression on my face, I didn't understand what he was saying, so I just left it, cuz I had more pressing matters to perform. But that just got him more annoyed I guess, because he lunged at me. And all I remeber next is blackness.

  ***************

  It has been moths since that day, the day when I became one with Kai, the day he broke down the very next morning, the day when everything changed. When I say changed, I don't mean that we broke up or anything, its just that he became every distant to everyone, the usually cool, jumpy and eratic Jongin was gone, I think he left a part of himself  back in China.

He went  to China within two to three days from the day he recieved the news, and he was there for about a month. I had offered to go along with him but he refused. The promotions of the group had been delayed, and new teasers and songs were being recorded.

Kai had literally become a machine, he eats, he drinks, and he sleeps. But sometimes he would come and sit next to me, while I am in the living room, way past bed time, and he lies his head on my shoulder, and cuddles into me. Those are the time when I feel utterly heart broken, because I can't do anything to bring my Kai back, I feel so helpless. And on those days, when he sits by the window, just staring out into space, letting a few drops silently fall down, without anyones notice, but I see it, it makes me cry.

But I can't tell him all this, I can't tell him how lonely I feel at nights. I can't tell him that its gonna be ok, cuz its not. I know how it feels like to be alone. I know because I don't have parents, I do have parents, but I don't. But Jongin doesn't know that. No body knows that.

But over the last month I found myself coming closer to Luhan hyung, it was comfort, a change from the now shut-off Kai. But he was like my brother, at least I felt that way. But i knew he had feelings for me, he had confessed to me a month after the whole incident, he told me he would wait for me, and he kissed me. But it wasn't the same for me, because Kai is my evrything, he needs me now, more than anything, and I want to be with him, only if he let me be there for him. So I had told hyung not to bother, now he and Lay hyung were going out.

Day by day the situation started to get worse, he stopped eating at one point, no matter how much all 11of us tried to convince him and force food into him he would not eat. He would come to the table when forced, but would hang his head low, and not touch a morsel of food.

He had become so thin, that I was too scared to even touch him, in the fear that I would break him, now I know how Edward felt around Bella (of cource, I don't wanna eat Jongin up). The only thing that remained the same was his passion towards dance, that was the only time my old Jongin returned.

Oh how I yearned for us to start practicing so that I can at least get a glimpse of my old Kai, the carefree Kai, the moodchanger of the group, my Jagiya. But that pleasure to seemed short lived, as the moment the music stopped, the new Kai would be back...during most of breaks he spends time with himself, even though all of us try to include him in our conversations, we just get an unsatisfactory murmer as an answer.

But it was enough, I had to talk to Jongin today, it was far to much agony he was putting himself through. I knew he blamed himself for their death, but he wasn't at fault. I recognised that he was showing signs of depression too.  

So today was the day I finally told him what I think and get him to change, take him out maybe, that'll be a good change right? As I finally entered our shared dorm, almost packed and ready to move with the other EXO members, I noticed the eerie silence. A sense of dreading over came me as I opened the bedroom door.

I didn't screm, I couldn't scream, the scene in front of me was just to devastating.