I sit in my car and turn the music player on. The faded smell of which still faintly permeats the car comes to my nose. I lean myself back into the seat and close my eyes. "...why did we turn this cold? we can't even look each other in the eyes anymore..." the lyrics of the song goes something along these lines. I think about the dream I had, about the fear that have captured me then. And the awful smell...Even it was only a dream it felt so real and so close. Even now thinking about it, I freeze. It must've be because we had a talk with Lay about death that day... I decide to tell nobody about the dream. And the thing with my father this morning, "I even tolerated your birth..." this sentence stays in my mind for an uncomfortably long time. I think of my late mother that passed away five years ago ... would she be proud if she would know about the way I live? What would she say..My father has been a man of superior strength, a man of unyielding thoughness, relentless and impatient. His whole life he fought to become a successful, well-known regisseur. which he then achieved with his unbreakable ambition. He is full of contempt for anyone he thinks is a weakling and for him I am a weakling from the day of my birth...

And the talk with Soojin bugs me a little even it shouldn't bother me. We were cool till now. I mean we never really asked what we are to each other. What did she want me to say? That we are lovers? Or that we are friends? Or just strangers longing for the same things... but maybe she is like home to me. A place I keep running to. No matter if we talk much together or not, no matter if we meet other people or how much we fight, I find myself again and again at her place. I think about it for a moment. My heart was beating fast when I first met her, my want grew into that I really wanted to be with her, to be on her. And then the feelings slowly left - but I kept running back after times so that I could feel it once again. But no matter what we did or do, we remain strangers in a way. Maybe we are too much alike, scared to be left alone, holding on something just to not fall. It's at the end just for our own sake, to not fall to the harsh ground, to not fall into the arms of the reality... I give a last look up to her apartement and find her at the window. She is holding a glass of wine in her hand. I turn my engine on and drive away.

After leaving Soojin I drive down the city and shake all the thought off my mind as I turn the radio up to full volume. These days only KPOP songs seem to be playing everywhere. I don't like driving down Seoul city around lunch time. There are alway way too many cars on the streets and even more people waiting for the bus. I look away and smoke one or two or even three cigarettes one after other. Right now, nothing is moving  even though the lights are green. As I wait in the car I look at the drivers in the cars next to me and everyone seems stressed. Maybe they are late for work or for a family dinner, or maybe they are late to get their weed or they need to bring weed to their people. Then my phone rings and Suho is at the other end of the phone and tells me to come over to the cafe next to the Lights Bar where we usually hang during daytime.

To my suprise I am at the cafe before the others. I'm sitting at a booth near a huge window. I ask the waitress to bring me a big cup of coffee and she giggles while taking my order and hushes back to bring my coffee. She stays next to my table for some minutes, looking at me still giggling before she leaves. I look down on my hands and they seem shaking. My eyes suddenly focus in on the eyes of a small, dark, intense-looking guy wearing a black suit sitting some tables across from me. I look away for a moment and then back to him and he is still starring at me. I put my sunglasses on and take a sip of my coffee. I still feel his eyes on me and all I can think is either he doesn't see me or that I am not here.

Suho suddenly touches my shoulders and sits down along with Youngmin and Ammy. Youngmin and Ammy go to the same film class as me. "Do you even plan to show up in the class from now and then Kai?" Ammy laughs and tells me that Jihyun has passed out in class and got hospitalized for anorexia today. "Her career is over. That can forget being a model now, the fashion industry wont wait for her recovery" Youngmin adds on in joyful voice as she seems to be enjoying the news sincerly. I don't say anything but light a cigarette and take a drag of it.

"Your dad's movie is coming out soon, right, Kai?'" Ammy asks me.

"Yeah" I say not really sure when it really comes out.

"You have the luck to have such a father.. I mean even when you not show up at the classes you still get the best marks"

"I guess..." I say and look out of the window.

"Dude" Suho says as if he wants to change the topic as soon as possible and I am thankful for it "Are you coming to Chen's party? He is back from the States for holidays and is throwing a party at his oldies place" He tells me that the party is somewhere this week and I tell him that I might come over and that he should remind me again.

We stay for hours at the cafe and Youngmin and Ammy keep talking about new gossips, what they want to wear for the party and about who sleeps with whom and a lot of stuff that I can't remember. I look over to the table that the small guy was sitting before and now he is gone and I wonder if I just have dreamed that he was there or if he has just left. Then I text Lay and say that we should meet at the Lights Bar later and that he should contact Kris too since I really feel like doing some coke.

ps: you will understand more why Kai's father thinks he is a weakling in later chapters. I know right now not much is happening but these side stories are important for the storyline :) hope you still enjoy it.