I am out of breath and sit up on my bed. I look around nervously and find myself in my room. It was all a dream... just a dream. I touch my chest and my shirt is wet. I must've sweat a lot. I take some deep breaths. I don't know how or when I got home last night. I feel the huge headache and touch my forhead. It's warm. Maybe I have the fever. I stand up and walk to the washroom. I lean down the sink and wash my face with cold water several of times and then raise up my head and look at myself in the mirror. I got cut on the left side of my cheek. I can't feel any pain though.

While I was walking down the stairs for the kitchen I spot my father sitting in the armchair under the big lamp reading his newspaper in the livingroom. He looks up from his paper. I really don't want to talk to him right now so I just walk on to the other direction to the kitchen. Just before I can open the door he calls for me. I stop for a moment but decide to turn. I can feel his gaze on me even though I am avoiding his eyes.

"Good morning" he says with his low voice. I say nothing but keep looking down on my hands. Maybe I should try to varnish my nails in black? Just like Lay does it sometimes.
He throws his newspaper to the side and stands up and puts his hand on my shoulder. I meet his eyes. He looks mad, madder than usually. Then he touches my cheek, the cut, and then he sits back in his chair with an heavy breath.

"This" he says with a slow but with a raging undertone "goes too far kid! I tolerated everything you did till now. I even tolerated your birth..." he sighs and pauses and then goes on "I reckon it never occurred to you that you are in fact MY son, you carry my last name around. I thought maybe this time you would be smater and help me with my event tonight. Important people will gather together here for the upcoming movie..." he takes a deep breath and I can see his hands shaking in anger. "and I, my son, won't let you ruin it. I don't care where the hell you want to stay but just don't show up tonight! I am truly ashamed that I have such a weak son, and this scar is the proof!" I feel the frustration rising and hot tears trying to find their way out of my eyes but I hold them back.

"It's not like I am proud either, to be..." I take a deep breath "...your son" I whisper the last part more to myself and leave the livingroom smacking the door behind me.


I think I smoked about one pack when I finally arrive at Soojin's place. It takes her about 5 minutes to open the door. She is wearing a white top and jeans shorts. When she sees me at the door she hugs me quieckly and gives me a kiss. I close the door behind me as I step in her crib. She is living alone in a well set up, two room house. But she is kind of messy compared to the other girls that I know. I let myself fall on the couch. She seems nervous and tries to find something in the mess. I hear her mutter stuff under her breath as she picks one thing after another to look underneath. I tell her to come over here, sit down and she comes over to me and sits next to me. "What are you looking for?" I ask her. She gives a short nervous laugh, I see her hands tembling "The pills, the ing yellow pills... I can't find them" she simply sighs. I offer her a cigarette and we smoke.

"What do you think?" she asks.
"What?"
"Look at me"
I look at her.
"And, what do you think?"
"What?" I ask her again while looking at her.
"I got a new haircut" I look closer at her. More than the new haircut her swollen eyes stand out. She must have been crying again. Maybe another breakdown. She takes a deep drag out of the cigarette.
"It looks good" I say not really sure what is different.

She gives me a tired smile and goes through her hair with her fingers. She puts her arm around my back and says something like 'You look even better with the cut, it makes you look rougher...' She is like that, wouldn't even ask why I have this cut. I look at her pale but mysterious face, I look in her eyes, then down to her small nose and down to her redish lips, and to her neck... then I raise my head and look her again into her eyes. I put my hands on her shoulders and she strikes my back. "I am glad you came..." she whispers and I kiss her. I don't know when it was the last time I have visit her, maybe 2 or 3 days or maybe even a week. I am not sure. For a moment she backs off and I look at her. There is a silence. She lowers her eyes down to her hands on her laps. "Kai..." she says with a low voice "...what is this?"

"What is what?" I ask and feel stupid.
"The thing with us... I mean... I feel like even when you are here, you aren't really here..., does this make sense?"
I look at her, waiting for her to go on. What does she want me to say?
"I mean, Kai, you know I was there for you, I think I cared... but now, ..." she stops.
"Yeah?"
"Well, it's hard to feel sorry for someone who doesn't care...."
I don't say anything.
"Is there anything that you even care? Anything that can make you happy?"
"I don't know... I guess not...I just don't want to care. When you start to care, things get worse and you get hurt. And you should stop to care too..."

For a moment I try to think of something that makes me happy... a moment of happiness... maybe the time I layed in my mothers arm years ago, the way she my hair softly with her fingers and kissed my forhead with all her love...maybe then I was happy... but these were long lost memories...
She laughs and looks out the window and I think for a minute that she's going to cry. "I guess you are right..."
I stand up and walk to the door. She looks up to me. "Soojin, nothing matters but the moment you live in, don't care that much. It doesn't matter what the thing between us is called, it is the way it is. What matters is that we are on it" And I open the door and walk out.

note: this chapter is not so long but I really wanted to publish it already. I hope you like it... I wish I had more readers though T__T